New Perspective Evangelion
by Dartz-IRL
Summary: Newton's First law. An Object in motion will remain in motion until acted on by an external force. The events of Neon Genesis Evangelion, as seen by the Fourth Child. Self Insert:ACC
1. A new pair of shoes

New Perspective Evangelion.

I think, maybe it might've started as a dream, or did it end that way? Dammit, even now, years later, it's giving me a headache trying to figure it out. I suppose, the only conclusion I can draw is that it was indeed all a dream, but not what I thought would be.

I thought perhaps if I wrote this down somewhere, maybe I might understand it better. What's that called? I think it's 'Catharsis' or something, honestly I don't know. At the very least, I can clear my head.

One thing I do know however, is how, and when, it began.

**I…..I**

'_Where am I?' _I wondered as, instantaneously, I became aware of my surroundings

"I don't want to die daddy. I don't want to die daddy," I whimpered in fear. But why?

What was happening to me?

I was sitting on a hard blue chair, a seatbelt tightly around my waist. I knew immediately that I was on a plane. I was confused. I was terrified. I hated flying. I'd never flown and I, God willing, never would again. I could see down the aisle ahead, other passengers frantically pushing themselves down into the brace position. The recirculated air was heavy with the smell of burning plastic, sweat and fear.

The plane bucked and shuddered sending luggage flying from the overhead storage bins, the flying tin can rearing back up as if it had been lifted by the king of winds himself.

"It's okay sweetie. I'll protect you," A tall, dark haired man sitting beside reassured me, running his hand through my hair. He pulled me close, threatening to crush the air from my lungs as he tried to protect me.

"Don't worry, I'll protect you. I'll protect you. I'll protect you," he repeated, trying desperately to hide his own panic. I gasped for breath as he closed his arms tightly around me.

The engine power tailed off, and for a moment, I thought maybe what might've been going on was over. I could see out my window the white cloud tops below the silver swept back wing. I could see one of the control surfaces jammed straight up, servo motors whining and straining.

With a dull, distant crump, it disintegrated into so much tinfoil, shimmering as it fell behind. Slowly, the aircraft began to roll over, dropping its injured wing.

Immediately, my stomach was thrown into my mouth as the crippled jet reached the top of its phugoid arc, pitching nose down, the engines screaming to full throttle once more. Or maybe it was a scream of terror. I knew now that whatever was happening was about to end, I could feel the plane begin to roll over, going belly up before it's final plunge, some baby nearby crying for it's mother as it shot past, heading to the tail of the plane.

"Brace! Brace! Brace!." One of the hostesses yelled above the panic. The man beside me forced my head down into my lap and against the seat in front, cracking my skull painfully off the plastic seat back tray. Around me, I saw an old couple hugging each other, and some lonely man hurriedly scribbling something on a square of paper, before it tumbled from his hands, floating back up the cabin towards the tail. The view out the window was almost completely inverted, full of dark green trees that were rapidly getting closer.

Whimpering, terrified and wet, I braced myself for some final, crunching impact.

I could hear someone yelling "This is it,"

The whine of the engines deepened as the aircraft completed its roll, and I felt myself thrown back hard into my seat as the nose began to rise back up slowly.

For a moment, I looked to the man beside me, wearing what seemed like a relived smile. Slowly, the aircraft levelled off, before beginning to climb to safety once more. Above the terrified din I could hear someone praying behind me.

I glanced out the square window, watching the forest beneath rush up to meet me, the occasional grey building flashing past. Powerlines lashed passed, sparking a bright atomic blue as the wing snapped through them.

A road, with some maintenance workers looking right back up at me.

Followed by more trees.

"Oh no," I said simply, dejectedly.

The wing began to clip the tops of the trees, shearing the tips off with a sound like hail pattering on a roof. I wanted to screw my eyes closed and hide, somehow, but I found myself compelled to watch out the porthole.

The screeching engine snapped off with a horrible crunch sending roaring orange flame shooting through the forest, feeling hot on my face through the glass.

The aircraft lurched forward with a screech of tearing metal as the tail struck the ground, sending luggage and debris flying through the cabin. A suitcase struck me painfully across the face bringing tears to my eyes. The man beside me just forced me down harder against the seat as the acrid sulphur smell of fire and jet fuel assaulted my nostrils

The plane began to roll onto its side, parts of the fuselage tearing wide open and taking screaming passengers to what I was sure was certain death. Bright orange fire flashed past the windows and through the shredded fuselage, burning into the cabin, destroying suitcases and suit jackets. The smell of raw jet fuel was overpowering.

The second impact dug the nose in, the fuselage flipping dizzyingly and tearing itself apart. Rows of seats shot past through the air, passengers still sitting in them. Some were on fire, I was sure of it. I could feel myself burning hot, the taste of vomit in my mouth.

I was surprised to see that there was tree standing tall in the centre isle for some reason.

All hell broke loose as the still relative order of the fuselage descended into a terrible chaos of screaming people and shrieking metal as the plane shattered into millions of pieces of aluminium and wire with an endless tumbling.

The fire roared hot on my face, arms and skin and pieces of debris stabbed at me. Something snapped at my waist sending me flying forward through thin air and hot fire once more before coming to a stop on something cold and soft, finally ending as something hot, heavy and metallic landed on top of me.

Strangely I was still looking out through a cracked window and I can remember the air conditioning blowing cool air on my face from an overhead fan.

"Please, I don't want to die..."

That was when I lost consciousness for the first time.

**I…..I**

-MEEP-…..-MEEP-…..-MEEP-…..-MEEP-

I was woken again by an incessant, rhythmic beeping. Groaning, still feeling groggy, I pulled whatever blanket I was lying under over my head and tried to tune the invading electronic note out.

"Fucking Alarm." I mumbled, reaching aimlessly out to silence the irritating siren.

Something stung painfully at my arm, biting deep into my flesh. Something else tickled on my nose, blowing cold air.

"What the?" I searched for the cause, being rewarded by something plastic, almost sellotaped into my arm.

Slowly, I opened my eyes, to be met first with a sterile white pillow, a few stray strands of black hair splashed across it. Beyond that, what looked like a television, or something, the source of the irritating alarm at any rate. Beyond that, a low, pale green wall, and a bright window, sunlight warm down my body. A pleasant smell of lemon disinfectant tingled at my nostrils. A clean, comforting smell.

I blinked slightly, waiting for the pieces to connect in my mind.

Click.

I jumped upright in my bed, instantly aware that something was very wrong. Apprehension twisted my gut as I tried to figure out where I was, and how I got there. My gaze darted around the room searching desperately for some reference to tell me where in hell I was.

What happened before I woke up was just a nightmare. Wasn't it?

A fire lance of pain shot through my stomach, burning it way through my chest. I grimaced and whimpered beneath the darting pain. It had to be a nightmare. It couldn't have been anything else. What else could it have been?

The room around me I recognised immediately as some sort of hospital ward. The pale green walls surrounded me, except for a brown wood veneer door, and an old television. I couldn't exactly say much for their decoration skills. On my right was the source of my wakeup alarm, a beeping cardiograph timing out my pulse. Slowly, I became aware of the cold prickle of the plastic sensor pads on my chest, alongside some strange weight that shifted as I turned. I was aware of cables running across my cheeks, taped down and a dry hoarseness in my throat that I couldn't place.

It hurt to swallow.

Other discomforts clamoured for my attention. An uncomfortable and strange pressure between my legs, that same pin prick in my arm, stabbing pains in my arms and legs and a tightness around my stomach making it hard to breath. Physically, I felt like I'd been run over by a truck.

'_Or been in a plane crash.' _My mind noted, remembering my dream disturbed sleep.

It had been just a bad dream, hadn't it?

Above my head was a plain card written in what looked like Chinese, or maybe Japanese characters spelling out some unknown word. Another mystery added to the pile then; and Forrest Gump me still being stuck for a reason why I was there in the first place.

I noticed the stand beside me, an I.V. line running from a bag filled with what looked clear water, down to the pinprick in my bandaged arm.

At least I'd found an answer to that question.

My arm was strange, different, hairless now, slender pale and delicate. Absent mindedly, I flexed my hand, gripping it into a fist and releasing repeatedly, proving to myself it was mine.

"Weird," I commented to whoever was listening. My voice cracked.

My gaze followed up my arm, onto the duck egg coloured hospital gown, then down onto my chest and the source of the strange weight. A sick feeling of shock and fear rose in my stomach as I noticed the reason for the extra weight on my chest. The extra weight _was_ my chest. A gentle poke rewarded by an uncomfortable tingle told me that they weren't someone's idea of a sick joke.

Just to be sure I cautiously checked under my hospital gown.

A clear tube penetrating some bandages around my slender stomach down onto my wider hips and some more plastic tubing that led into…

A scream of combined terror and shock drew nearby hospital staff my room. A tall, gaunt doctor and a short, brunette nurse. As they ran through the door they were surprised to see me sitting up in bed repeating. "This can't be real," over and over to myself.

This had to be some sort of nightmare. Some sort of weird story. It couldn't be real. It was the stuff of a bad _Twilight Zone _episode, a delusion best left to a patient going batshit insane in a mental asylum. It was a simple scientific fact. One did not simply go to bed one night as a man and wake up as a girl.

Terrified, I looked right into the dark brown eyes of a doctor, approaching me like some devil with a stethoscope.

The doctors started talking at me, but I couldn't speak whatever language they were speaking. It was so fast and clipped, I couldn't understand what they were saying. It was Japanese, I knew that much. It seemed so immediate and so aggressive. It just terrified me even more.

A nurse picked up my right arm, probably to change my I.V line or check my pulse or something. I snatched it away fearfully. Whatever it was I didn't want her to do it. She scowled at me before trying to pull it away from my chest. I pulled back.

She said something to Doctor which got his attention. He tried to take my arm from me but I had decided that no one was going to touch it. He tugged at my arm to release it, accidentally hurting my stomach.

"Get away from me!" I yelled, causing him and the nurse to jump back surprised. "What the fuck did you do to me?"

The doctor and the nurse started talking to each other while I cradled my arm defensively. A single imperative entered my mind.

I had to get out of there. This was some sort of insane asylum, some sort of psychotic delusion, or something, nothing good in anyways. Whatever happened, I had to escape from this place of terror. I pushed myself almost fully upright in the bed and tried to stand up but the doctor spotted me and roughly pushed me down again.

"Get off me!" I shouted trying to get myself free from his arms.

"Get off me!" I began to scream, absolutely terrified, squirming and shaking, desperately trying to get away, to free myself from his evil grip.

He gave an order to the nurse who picked a syringe off of a tray they had wheeled in.

I had to get out now.

They were going to drug me, do bad things to me. I wasn't going to hang around in a fucking loony bin and let them pump me full of psychoactive God knows what drugs.

I clenched my right hand into a fist and punched the doctor as hard as I could, drawing blood from his nose and in the process tearing the I.V line from my arm, which hurt. A prick on my shoulder reminded me that the nurse had been preparing an injection but before I could smack the needle away I collapsed into a drug induced sleep.

**I…..I**

Nightmares haunted my sleep, Memories of the crash disturbing my rest. And then these strange things that stuck in my memory, as if they were recorded on a video for my benefit.

I can remember myself, at least, my 'new' self sitting on some ageing diesel-reeking commuter train, opposite a grinning grey haired albino boy, humming 'ode to joy' to himself. The way he smiled at me, I knew immediately who he was.

"Nagisa Kawaoru," he introduced himself with a polite bow.

I looked at my own body, red faced embarrassed to see myself wearing what looked like the school uniform from Class 2-A, my class satchel packed neatly beside me. and a cup of steaming coffee on the table. The otherwise white carriage was floodlit a brilliant orange by the sun, setting behind some distant mountains, lending the air a strange haze.

"When an object is in motion," he started, his blood red eyes having a dark, infinite depth that made me feel as if he could read my very soul. "It will continue on course unless some, external, unbalanced force acts on it."

"Newton's First Law," I said, recognising the quote.

"Correct," the Angel nodded. "Remember that, and that will be all you will need to know."

"Know about what?" I demanded.

"You'll see," he responded, "But as long as you use the fruit of knowledge you've received, you will be fine, that is all you need to know."

There was something about his reassuring tone of voice that just bugged the hell out of me. A quick deduction and I understood immediately that he was responsible for what had happened to me.

And then I was woken once more.

**I…..I**

"Goddamit," I mumbled, recognising the lemon smell of the disinfectant on the hospital bedsheets. My awareness slowly filtered back, every sensation and tingle from my body making itself known as I lay there on my back.

For some time, I found myself compelled to just lay there and stare at the foam tiled ceiling, contemplating what exactly was happening to me.

Then at my chest, two soft rounded bumps hidden beneath the light white bedsheet.

Then back to the ceiling.

Then down at my chest again.

Then forcing myself to stare at the ceiling once more.

Then slowly, curiously back down to my newly acquired chest.

Followed by a quick embarrassed snap back up to the uniform tiles above me.

_This is stupid, _I realised humourlessly.

If I was going to be stuck as a girl, there were some changes I was going to have to get used to. Slowly, I pushed myself upright in my bed, the light blankets dropping from around my body, pooling at my waist.

It was strange. I didn't hurt as much as the last time I'd woken up. Maybe whatever had been wrong with my new body had healed itself. An intrepid curiosity took hold as I inspected myself, gently squeezing the two new lumps.

It tingled and tickled and I was forced to stifle a perverted giggle. Already, I could feel a burning heat on my cheeks as I was sure I blushed a vivid red. And then an odd…discomfort building between my legs as I felt blood flood to my more sensitive areas. Slowly, I lifted my hospital gown to see what was beneath.

Tubing for a catheter, or something, whatever it was it was bloody uncomfortable. Had this body been in some sort of coma? That would explain more than a few things. Slowly parting the relatively innocent pipework I found what I was looking for.

Yup, definitely a girl, no doubt about it.100 percent double X chromosome female.

"How disgusting," I snapped at myself, quickly covering my shame, hiding it from my own eyes. It was obvious. Whoever's body this had been, had only been a teenager.

I dropped back onto my pillow, returning my gaze to the by now familiar ceiling above me, trying to get this in some sort of order in my head.

"I go to bed," I started explaining to the situation to myself. And trying my new voice out. "Have some nightmare about a plane crash. Then, I wake up in this hospital," I swallowed my embarrassment. "As a girl, go buggo because of said problem, get sedated, have a dream about Kawaoru Nagisa quoting Newton's laws, and now I'm here."

Silence, and then my final conclusion.

"That is such a load of bullshit,"

This couldn't be real. No fracking way. This had to be some sort of dream, or maybe a nightmare. So then, how do I wake up?

Simple.

'_Wake up.' _I closed my eyes.

No such luck.

"Hello!" I called out to whatever power was running the place. "I'm ready to wake up now!"

I was answered only by the ring of my own voice of the walls, a distant rattle in the air-conditioning above me, and some mysterious announcements over the hospital PA system.

So what was my best choice now then?

I decided I'd just have to go with it for now, until hopefully, I found some way home. If this was just a dream, or me going nuts from being alone too much, I lost nothing by playing along with it. If this was real, then I could lose everything by assuming otherwise.

"Okay…Okay," I whispered on my exhaling breath.

The beat of a passing helicopter drew my attention out the window to my right, it's shadow rushing by and rattling the glass panes. Looking out through the window, I could see a large object silhouetted by morning sun. A massive dark diamond surrounded by a swaying steel forest of cranes.

It looked like the Fifth Angel… Ramiel… from Neon Genesis Evangelion. That would explain Kawaoru…

There really was no doubt now. Whatever was going on, to top it all off, I was in the world of _Evangelion. _I even knew _when_ I was. It had to be sometime between episode six, and maybe ten. It was a small relief then that I wouldn't be 'tanged' the next day.

"Bollox," I dropped back down onto the bed.

I heard the door squeak open. I pushed myself upright to greet the nurse, the same brunette who'd earlier pumped me full of sedatives.

"Oh." she nearly dropped her tray with the shock of seeing me staring back at her.

I just grinned back at her, considering it adequate revenge for her drugging me asleep.

Quickly, she fumbled with a small black plastic object, a pager or a mobile phone, tapping out a message with one hand as she tried to balance the tray with the other. Silently, I willed it to fall to the ground, but again, no such luck.

Placing the tray on a small wooden table at the end of my bed, she quickly launched into what I could only guess where a series of questions.

"I don't understand," was the only answer I could offer her.

She gave me an odd look for a moment, perhaps wondering why a Japanese girl couldn't speak Japanese.

She answered me again in Japanese, raising her hands slightly, apologetically, followed by what I guessed was an order to wait. It wasn't as if I was going anywhere anyway. Every movement in my bed reminded me that I was still tethered to it by my most sensitive areas.

A new arrival rushed in, a European man wearing the white overcoat of a doctor.

"Good Morning Noriko," he said in a reassuringly cheerful English accent. "I'm Doctor James, I can act as an interpreter, if you'd like."

"Um….Morning." I answered rather sheepishly, still a little embarrassed that someone was seeing me like I was. And Noriko? That must be my name, or at least whoever _I_ had been. Still half in shock, I was just glad to have someone I could understand.

"And how are feeling this morning?" he asked.

"Fine, I guess," I responded, my insecurities slowly fading away.

I suppose there was a reason Doctors are meant to have compassionate eyes, or maybe it was just that he was speaking in a language that I could actually understand.

"That's good," his smile broadened, as he clicked a pen against his clipboard. "Now then, I have some questions I need to ask, just to check a few things, you don't mind do you?"

I did actually. If they asked me who I was, or what I'd been doing then how could I answer him with anything except, 'I don't know'. I didn't even know my own name for Gods sakes. I could guess it was Noriko something, but for all I knew it could've been Noriko J Croft. Would they figure out then that maybe I wasn't really who I appeared to be, or just think I was psychologically damaged by whatever accident had put me in hospital in the first place.

So if this was NGE, at least I knew I'd fit in perfectly. I was already hanging into my sanity by a thread.

"No," I shook my head nervously. It wasn't as if I really had much of a choice in the matter anyway.

"Good, good," he smiled at me. "Now, can you tell me your name?"

Already failed the test at the first question. It was like my Maths finals all over again. Quickly, I searched for something, anything that could be a hit at what my last name might be. A small label, written in roman characters, was taped to the now silent cardiograph.

'Nagato, Noriko No. 513.' it read in bold black letters, along with a number of other little characters I couldn't place.

I turned to the doctor, still patiently waiting for my a response, and with the utmost confidence that I was right, I answered.

"Noriko Nagato,"

He frowned playfully at me.

"You read the machine, didn't you?"

Damn.

"Em…kind of," I scratched the back of my head sheepishly. Caught cheating, it really was like my Maths finals all over again.

"Well," he cleared his throat dramatically, glancing at his clipboard "You did that the last time too,"

"Um…Last time?" I questioned.

His shoulders dropped with a loud sigh. Had I said something wrong? What did he mean by 'Last Time'? The last time I was awake, I'd been drugged asleep. I think. Another insecurity to gnaw at the back of my mind.

"Well, we don't need to worry about it," he obviously dodged the issue. "Can you tell me a little about yourself?"

I could already see him writing 'Severe Emotional Trauma', or something to that effect on his brown clipboard. Anyway, I had to at least attempt to find an answer. There was a chance I could be right.

"I am Japanese,"

It didn't exactly take Vulcan level logic to work that out. I had a Japanese name, and I was definitely in a Japanese hospital.

"Correct," the doctor nodded. "At least, you were born here," he corrected me. "Now, do you remember anything else?"

On a leap of faith I just closed my eyes, and hoped that perhaps, like deleted data on a disk, some of Noriko's memories might be left behind before they were overwritten.

Nope, nothing except an odd feeling that something was missing from my left arm. Other than that, nothing.

"No," I looked at my left arm, and a strange pink scar that suddenly seemed more important somehow.

"Your family, you're home, anything?" he nudged.

Family?

Choked up momentarily, it came as a kick to the teeth reminder of my own real family. Whatever the hell had just happened to me, they probably knew about it now. Christ I just wanted them to be with me. I didn't want to cry, I didn't want to suddenly break down like this. Events were finally catching up to me as it became clear that I was alone, and that nobody was going to come and take me home. Wet tears ran down my cheeks as I looked back up at the doctor, who was still waiting.

"I don't…" I sniffed. "I don't remember."

That was a lie. That just made me feel worse. Guilt for not even acknowledging their existence. I buried my face in my hands and tried to get some semblance of control of myself. Well, my mother had always been complaining about how she wished she'd had a daughter instead of two sons. My own fault for being a lazy ass sometimes I guess.

Whimpering, I looked to the Doctor. I couldn't ask him to just take me home. He probably didn't know where home was.

"In your own time," Dr. James said softly

"I'm okay," I sniffed, wiping my nose. "I'm okay, I'm okay,"

I could deal with this. Compared to the traditional EVA tragic past, this was a breeze. At least they were still alive. Or maybe killed during Second Impact. Fracking hormone driven emotions won't even give me a chance to calm down and get a level head.

I closed my eyes and took a long shivered breath, holding it, swallowing that lump in my throat and then just looking back up at the doctor. I wasn't going to curl up into some ball of despair over this. Worse things happened at sea, I could deal with it. I could deal with it.

Teary eyed and quaking slightly I looked to the doctor to continue. Someone said the truth hurts, so I wanted some golden anaesthetic first. But I was at least four years too young for that now.

"So you remember nothing then?"

"No," I answered in a small voice. "Nothing before waking up."

"Okay," he sighed. "Perhaps I could tell you a little about yourself then?"

Judging by his tone, this was a common thing.

"I'd like that,"

Anything to divert my train of thought from it's inevitable destination.

"Alright," he cleared his throat, leafing through the pages on his board. "You were born here, in Japan, on November 11th, 2000. You were registered at Usui refugee centre in Gunma, so that'd make you a Japanese citizen,"

Hence the probable mystery as to why a fourteen year old Japanese girl could only speak English. And fluent English at that. I just listened intently as the Doctor continued.

"You're parents names were Megumi Nagato, your mother, and Hiroki Nagato, your father."

The mention of 'my' mothers name had me looking again at my left wrist, as if something was missing.

"Anyway, sometime after the Valentine armistice, records are unclear on this, your family moved to Europe, taking you with them. Your Father's agency was transferring him back here when your flight came down,"

According to Doctor James, my mother was killed in a car accident about three years beforehand. That meant I had no living relatives left, that they could find anyway.

That's the way it continued really. I suppose the doctor expected each new sentence to be a hammer blow to me psyche but I honestly wasn't too bothered by it. To tell the truth I was strangely enthralled by this tale of my past. And, I finally had an explanation for that so called nightmare.

As it was, I was also one of only three survivors of the crash of Oceanic Flight 214. The Pilot who was a vegetable somewhere in the hospital, and a four year old girl that was found in a tree, having been thrown clear of the wreckage. I'd been found alive, but unconscious in the wreckage.

Suffice to say, with some diversion, I was beginning to feel better.

Although, had I actually known anyone involved at the time, I'd probably have been huddled in a ball on the floor crying for my mommy. As it was, I just wanted to hear more of this short, but interesting story that was 'my' life. I was meeting a new person, and I wanted to know everything about her.

"Of course, there are some matters that I'm hesitant to bring up right now," he paused and took a deep breath. I just watched him, waiting patiently for whatever he was going to tell me "Well, it'll have to come out eventually I suppose,"

I stared at him, impatiently waiting for whatever this might be.

"Your Father was also killed in the crash." he concluded solemnly.

That left me at a bit of a loss. I just wasn't sure how I was supposed to respond to that. I wasn't really too concerned about the death of someone I hadn't known. To me, Hiroki Nagato was just a name on a piece of paper.

"I understand." I answered flatly.

Saying 'Okay' with a bright smile would've probably had me being quickly sent for intensive psychotherapy sessions.

"How are you feeling now?" he asked.

"I'm okay," I responded. "Just a bit rattled. It's a lot to take in,"

"Take your time," The doctor said, his compassionate smile returning. "I have other patients to attend to Noriko, so, I'll have to see you tomorrow then. There should be a government official as well. Nurse Ibuki here will take care of your 'private' issues. Cheerio!"

"Em, Cheerio," I answered, more interested in the fifty year old, slightly overweight, brunette nurse that had been working unnoticed in my room the whole time. She was the same one who had drugged me before, and found me awake earlier.

What could the Doctor possibly mean by 'Private issues'?

The nurse snapped a pair of rubber gloves from a small cardboard box. She said something that sounded as if it was supposed to reassure me as she slowly approached. I shrank back into my pillow, still trying to figure out what she wanted to do.

When I did, I knew true fear.

What happened afterwards is best not mentioned. Suffice to say, twenty minutes later I was no longer tethered to my bed, though I'd gained a very sore spot between my legs for the privilege. They'd finally disconnected me from all the little electronics, I could move if I wanted.

But where could I go.

I was also eating my way through some soft strawberry jelly and ice cream, the first thing my body had eaten through the mouth in around seven months. I poked at a still-fresh scar that slashed across my stomach like a failed attempt at seppuku. It had partners on my right arm and leg, running parallel to the bone. I could feel the metal holding the bones together underneath when I squeezed.

My first full day inded with me lying back on my bed, staring once more at the ceiling. I was cranking the day**'**s events over in my mind, trying to fill in certain blanks, and maybe get some small idea of what might be coming.

A government official, did that mean Foster care then?

I had the traditional EVA tragic past, so it was entirely possible that perhaps I could find myself behind the sticks of an Evangelion. The fanboy within stirred at the merest hint of that possibility, desperately searching for any and all possible scenarios that could put me at the controls of Unit 01, no matter how far-fetched.

And then, night fell, and the hospital fell silent. In the darkness, I was alone, lying there, listening to the rattle of the ventilation, with the silhouette of Ramiel against the moonlit sky as my only company.

Nuts to EVA, I really wanted to go home, just wake up in my own bed, realise this was a nightmare and live happily ever after.

Sometime after that, I fell into a peaceful and welcome sleep.

**I…..I**

Morning came, and I was woken by the warmth of the sun shining on my face. The by now familiar smell of lemon told me exactly where I was. I was still in the hospital room. I was still Noriko Nagato.

Damn. It looked like I couldn't expect that to change anytime soon.

Breakfast arrived, a bowl of what appeared to be Corn Flakes and a cup of green tea. An unusual mix, but filling enough.

I was quickly finding though, that some things were common to both genders. Like the uncomfortable pressure of a full bladder.

Which meant I had to find a bathroom. There was no way in hell I was using the bed pan. Embarrasingly, I wasn't quite sure how it was supposed to work…

Slowly, I swung my creaking legs over the edge of the bed, pulling myself up onto my feet for the first time. My joints were stiff and painful, not having been used. Like a drunk who's had more than one too many I struggled on jelly legs to find something that resembled a centre of balance.

At least I didn't fall flat on my face.

It occurred to me that after seven months in a bed, I shouldn't have been able to walk. That was after I'd made it to the doorway, clinging tightly to the frame.

Still struggling to walk, concentrating on just putting one foot in front of the other, I staggered my way out the veneer door, and into the stark white corridor outside. Joints creaked and muscles ached, but my legs were working. Left…right…left…right. Not hard, I just had to concentrate.

A cute bottle blonde nurse smiled at me, before carrying on with whatever business she was taking care of. Using a wooden banister that ran along the wall for balance I stumbled forward on my intrepid search . My bare feet padded on the cold linoleum floor as tried to figure out where the nearest bathroom was.

I gave thanks that most signs were bilingual, but most only directed me to either 'Radiology' or 'Cardiology'. They may have been in English, but they weren't in any language I spoke. It was almost pure chance that found me standing outside the pastel pink doorway marked with the internationally recognised symbol for 'ladies'.

I swallowed, my hand stopping before it reached the metal push plate.

Twenty years of social conditioning told me that what was beyond that door was forbidden country. Only bad things could come of it. But I couldn't exactly go to the gents now, could I?

The choice was harder than I thought it'd be anyway.

"Well, to boldly go where no man has gone before,"

Somehow, Captain Kirk's famous quote seemed strangely appropriate. It also sounded just plain weird coming from a fourteen year old girl. A squeak of the door and I passed into a perfume smelling world of pastel colours, pink and pale blues. The air inside reeked of lavender, rose, apricot, and God knows what else.

I really didn't belong in there.

But nobody had yelled at me so I carried on my search for an empty stall. I barely noticed my reflection in the mirrors above the row of washbasins on my left as I closed the door behind me and took care of what I came to do.

That was...weird.

Washing my hands I caught my first good look at myself in the mirror. My face was traditional oriental Japanese, with chestnut brown eyes and slightly pale, rounded cheeks. Of course, I was more than a little rough around the edges, with a few stray strands of long black hair across my face, the rest hanging haphazardly behind my shoulders.

"Well hello there Noriko," I smiled at myself, the doppelganger in the mirror matching my actions perfectly. "Nice to meet you Miss Nagato,"

I was a little thin and underfed, a little wiry in my arms and legs, but I still had an acceptable figure. An old lady who'd entered unheard gave me the strangest look, as if I was mad, but I just answered her with a smile

And so, I made my way back to my room. Already, I was beginning to adapt to my altered centre of gravity. I could walk without tripping over my own feet at least, though it was obvious to just about everyone I passed that it'd been a while since I'd been standing on my own two feet.

Returning to my bed, I sat and watched a few shows, even if I couldn't understand what was being said, one of the shows, I couldn't remember the title, seemed strangely familiar.

"Good Afternoon Noriko!" Dr James' cheerful voice interrupted my viewing pleasure.

"Afternoon," I responded, a little irritated.

"You remember yesterday?"

I nodded.

"Good." He smiled, looking almost relieved. "I've brought someone from the government to see you. Captain Misato Katsuragi from NERV,"

Really? _The_ Misato Katsuragi. My mind spinlocked.

The Major…correction, Captain appeared with a smile on her face, standing in the doorway, carrying a grey folder under her arm. She was beautiful, with a bright smile that warmed the entire room. A short red jacket and a long skirt worn high made her seem taller than she actually was compared to the doctor, but she was still taller than myself.

A quick exchange between her and the Doctor and I guessed he explained my language difficulties to her. It just unnerved me that they were discussing what was likely my future, and I didn't have a say in it.

The fanboy within me remembered a Misato/Asuka fic I'd once read.

In reality, that was about as likely as Shinji falling from the cockpit of Unit 01 and me taking his place. Of course, _in reality_, this was all just some TV series, with two movies at the end. And Misato was speaking to me as she placed a grey folder on my bedside table.

"Your Father worked for an agency called NERV." the Doctor translated Misato's words for my benefit. "He was being transferred here, to Tokyo-3 when the plane crashed."

I just nodded, this being old news me.

"He worked on something called 'Evangelion', did he ever tell you about this?" the Captain/Doctor asked.

Technically, I didn't know the answer to that. He might've told Noriko, but I couldn't remember if he did. I did know what an EVA was, but there wasn't a way in hell I'd let anyone else know that. Inanyways, I'd have to keep my series knowledge secret, anything otherwise could be very dangerous.

That, and there really was only one reason she could be talking to a fourteen year old orphan child about a giant robot. I started to fizz inside with a giddy excitement.

"No." I answered meekly, nervously, expecting any moment for it either to be explained or offered to me.

She smiled and nodded.

"I'll leave these folders with you then tonight. They'll tell you everything you need to know."

Again, I could only nod my understanding, feeling nervously sick, like a kid climbing down the stairs on Christmas morning, waiting to see what was waiting for him under the tree.

"I'll see you tomorrow Noriko," Misato smiled at me. "There is something I need to discuss with you then,"

I already knew exactly what that was going to be.

My second full day as Noriko Nagato was ended by me reading through the grey leaflet, marked in English 'For your eyes only'

I think I fell asleep halfway through reading it.

**I…..I**

By morning, the paper had bleached white, becoming illegible. They really did want to keep that stuff secret. There was nothing in the dossier I hadn't known already anyway, all it did was make it perfectly obvious to me that I was going to be a Pilot.

A real Evangelion pilot.

It was chilling. It was thrilling. Half of me screamed to just do it, while the rest reminded me of the horrible fate that awaited all EVA pilots.

Any worse a fate if I just said no?

I live for how long as a ward of the State, before Third Impact?

I knew what state care was like back home, and that was something I really wanted to avoid. I knew enough as any other person anyway, heard enough stories to know to bury my head in the sand like the rest of society.

Right. _Anything_ would be better than what social services would do.

I had breakfast on that thought.

I didn't want to be an orphan left in an internet café overnight because the State couldn't find a place for me to stay.

I was pretty certain that if I agreed to pilot, I'd be well treated. Misato seemed kind and… in a moment of gallows humour… it was only going to be for a few months.

Besides, what sort of mecha fanboy would I be if I gave up on the chance to pilot my own Giant Robot? Well, scratch the 'boy' part now, I thought, patting myself on the chest.

The joke fell flat, and I suddenly started to feel horribly uncomfortable with myself. The shock of my little switcheroo was starting to fade. It was starting to hit home that yes, I really was in a different body.

And it really did feel alien.

I suppressed the thought, forcing it out of my mind with a huff. I had bigger things to worry about right now than the bits between my legs.

Which was a wonderful time to realise I needed to use the toilet again. Looking on the bright side of things, I was getting better at walking. I'd gone from being bedridden for seven months, to ambling around with a little difficulty, in three days.

That's got to be a record.

Wandering around a hospital in a light gown was starting to get a little embarrassing. People stared at me and I couldn't figure out why. I wasn't naked or dirty or anything. A little ragged, but there were other kids. There were worse injuries

I saw an old woman who'd been burned down one side of her body, like the most god-awful sunburn you could imagine. I passed a childrens ward where some teenage boy in a tracksuit was sitting beside a little girl in a bed. She was wearing some sort of gantry on her head.

I found some vending machines, then remembered that I had no money. I couldn't recognise anything that was for sale anyway. A television nearby was showing what looked like The Discovery Channel. It was a documentary following divers in some underwater city, pointing out corroded artifacts of the twentieth century. A crab crawled out of a seaweed-covered Corvette while the divers found their way around a ruined McDonalds. The Mythbusters would be on next, according to the banner.

I didn't have to read the Kanji to recognise them. Strange. I wonder what else is the same?

Stealing an English-language National Geographic with a picture of an abandoned city on the cover, I made my way back to my own private little room. After twenty minutes of not very fast walking, I was already feeling a little tired.

Doctor James was waiting for me, glaring.

"You were supposed to stay in your room,"

"I needed to go... y'know."

"That's what the bedpan was for." he held up the tray, pointing inside.

"It's embarrassing," I frowned, sitting down on a chair originally intended for visitors. I was up and about, and for some reason, I was determined to stay that way.

"You're still under observation. Most patients in your position are barely able to sit up in bed, let alone go for an easy stroll. Then again, you're not like most patients are you?"

Huh?

He noticed my expression. "Get back in to bed and I'll tell you," he smiled.

I sighed. He was treating me like a child. Reluctantly, I climbed under the covers.

"Now?"

"Alright," he nodded. "Stop me if this gets a little much."

I nodded.

"Right, when you were found by the rescue teams, you were barely alive. You'd been well..." he looked for the right word "... the medical term would be smashed to pieces. Most people would've been dead, but you were extremely fit for a girl your age. Even so, you were barely alive when you got here. You lost a lot of blood you see, and when that happens, it causes all sorts of things to go wrong. Your heart stopped."

I was fascinated. And a little disturbed. I could hear my heartbeat thumping in my ear.

"We managed to resuscitate you, but it took too long. The brain was starved of oxygen and when that happens..." he was searching for the idiot's explanation, "it starts to shut down and die." He wore a grave expression "You were brain-dead Noriko, according to all our instruments anyway. You were declared legally dead."

"Isn't that normally... well... irreversible?" That's what I understood.

"Yes," he nodded again. "It used to be a much higher standard before the Impact, that's under review because you," he chuckled, "Obviously it was declared too soon. We kept your body alive under assumed consent laws, while we tested donor compatibility. You're a post-impact young woman you see."

For a moment, I thought of vultures tearing my body apart. Okay, it might not technically have been mine, but it still made me a little queasy.

"We found a few suitable recipients and well," he sighed, "I pulled the plug on you, turning off the life support machines. And you didn't stop breathing."

For some reason, that filled me with pride, "Sorry about that," I smiled at him.

"Plank of Carnaedes," he shrugged. "You stayed alive. You're entitled to that. When you didn't die, we switched over to making sure you wouldn't die. We did our best for your injuries."

I scratched the scar on my arm.

"It's all riveted and plated," he explained. "Your legs aswell. You surprised us again by healing up much faster than expected. We had a pool on when you'd wake up, especially when you started showing signs that you were dreaming. I lost,"

"Sorry," I giggled. "Dreaming?"

"Yes, quite a lot actually, especially in the month or so before you woke up for the first time."

The memory of that made me shudder.

"Your mind was extremely active, like you were constantly dreaming. And only a few days after you regain your full awareness, after seven months in bed, you're up and walking around with little difficulty.

There's something with you...I dunno." He ran his hand through his hair. "Maybe that's why the government are so interested in you. You're a really special young woman, Noriko."

And the 'young woman' part of that made me cringe. Special person... maybe I just got lucky. Or whatever force which decided to do this to me decided to give me a chance, rather than leaving me laying in a bed for months going through months of therapy.

And the dreaming... was that me being 'uploaded', for want of a better term?

"It's all a little much to take in. I'm just glad I can walk,"

"You should be," he said.

Lucky to be able to walk. Lucky to be able to pilot EVA. Lucky to get a second chance at life?

The Doctor had more tests to run. Memory tests especially... I think he suspected I was lying about not knowing anything about Noriko's past beyond what he could tell.

As far as my brain was concerned, I went to bed one night as myself... after staying up a little too long reading something about Shinji and Asuka being sent back in time... dropped into a sleep, had a God-awful nightmare about a plane crash that makes me shiver when I think about it, then woke up in a hospital bed with some extra weight on my chest.

A NERV recruitment ad was on television. It reminded me of Starship Troopers.

It was late afternoon and I was getting pretty tired when there was a knock on the door. Misato was back. Her and the Doctor had a long discussion, showing results on tests, charts and I didn't know what else. There was no more uncomfortable thing than knowing you were being talked about, in a language you couldn't understand.

She only had one simple question for me.

"Would you like to try and Pilot EVA?"

I wanted to say yes. But there was something I had to ask.

"Can I refuse?"

The Doctor translated my question. Misato smiled softly.

"It's best if you do this willingly,"

So, that would be a 'no' then

I nodded. "Right, I'll do it,"

I tried to hide how giddy I was inside.

**I…..I**

Thank you to Arkiel and Jabberwok for their assistance working on this. Cattynebulart for comments that led to the revision.

A few edits to confirm Noriko's background, and modify a few details both to draw attention to the fact that she should not be doing so well fresh out of a 7 month coma. God this feels old when reading it. I did it in late 2006… it is now late 2010. That's a hell of a gap … for Noriko, those 4 years were about 5 weeks. Gunbuster effect?

-Dartz


	2. The Fourth Children

New Perspective Evangelion

I don't own NGE, someone else does,  
Some stuff might be mentioned that's copyright,  
Don't bug me about it.  
It's just in the name of fun anyway.

'The Fourth Children'

**I…I**

It was something I just didn't want to do. God help me I wanted to avoid it for as long as possible. Of course, therein lay the problem. What I wanted to do, was the exact opposite of what I had to do.

"You need to wear something other than a paper hospital gown when Captain Katsuragi picks you up," Doctor James had said.

Okay, I could agree with that.

But still, it was what that 'something' was that was the problem.

Either the Doctor or the Captain, I didn't know who, had kindly provided me with some simple clothes to wear for the day. The loose white t-shirt wouldn't be a problem. Neither would the cheap jeans and narrow false leather belt, or the white tennis shoes and socks.

My problem was the otherwise innocuous white cotton bra and panties combination that lay beside my clothes on my bed.

It was one of those lines that, once I crossed it, there'd be no going back. 20 years of conditioning by society told me that women's underwear was a 'no'. If any psychiatrist ever found out about this, I'd bet it'd make a fascinating paper. Of course, I'd expect it to be worth a Nobel prize.

"She'll be here in a minute," The doc knocked on the door. "Hurry up!"

"Em…." I stuttered, "Just a minute!"

There really was going to be no avoiding this. I couldn't exactly just wear my other clothes, with no underwear beneath. I really had no other choice with this.

My dirty blue gown was dumped in the bin, and I stood naked, still trying to work up some amount of courage to step into the delicate white cotton smalls.

Just get on with it! Stop stalling and just put them on. They won't kill you.

They seemed a bit too small anyway, my mental body image still being of someone twice my actual size. But, there was nothing else coming

Embarrassment twisted my stomach as I finally worked up the courage to at least try them. One leg in, followed by the other. Snug and tight, and wrong as everything else. Comfortable when I could put that out of my mind, though I was ashamed to admit that to myself. Somehow, I knew there was a group of security guards watching me over CCTV, laughing at me, or worse.

"This is so embarrassing." I mumbled shamefully, struggling to fit myself in the brassiere.

My only experience with that particular piece female underwear was taking the thing off. And I was sure that any minute the wall could drop away and reveal some hidden camera crew, and the fact that the shame rushing through my body and heating my face was being broadcast live to millions of viewers.

Eventually, I struggled my way into the supporting garments.

At least with some proper clothes on I could feel almost normal. God help me though if someone decided I had to wear a skirt, or worse, a bikini.

"Miss Katsuragi'll be here soon" The doctor called in. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, Yeah!" I shouted out, quickly tying my shoelaces, any semblance of shame melting away by the thought of seeing Misato again. "I'm ready now,"

Dr. James guided me to the front door where I bade him goodbye and thanks for his kindness.

With the dressings taken off my leg and arm I could walk easier, but it was still hard. Supposedly, I hadn't walked for around seven months so some of my muscles had begun to atrophy. The underwear felt a still bit weird as well, but like the Borg, I could adapt.

Eventually, nearly an hour late, Misato's distinctive sports car skidded to a halt opposite me, the Tokyo-3 sunlight glittering off the gloss blue paint, as well as every single dent, ding, scratch and chip.

The passenger door swung open with a squeak, Misato's sunny face beckoning me inside.

Judging by the rather dilapidated state of her car, that might not be the safest move. The entire front bumper looked as if it was being held on just by a few strips of sellotape. The whole vehicle looked like someone had dropped an atom bomb on it.

Which, in Episode One, they had.

The thing was probably a bloody deathtrap. But, like everything, it wasn't as if I really had a choice in the matter. I didn't have any money for public transport, or anywhere to go if I did.

So, I quietly slipped down into the passenger seat beside the cheerful Captain and closed the door with a terminal 'thunk'. Inside, the lavender smell of Misato's perfume mixed with the scent of the little paper pine tree hanging from the mirror and what might've been leaking exhaust fumes. The upholstery was faded and worn, the dashboard sun cracked and the carpets scuffed and muddy. A pile of old batteries on the back seat covered by a dirty white sheet did little to inspire confidence in the machine.

Was that a worn big end knocking I could hear behind me? A con-rod ready to make its bid for freedom through the crankcase in a shower of shattered steel and overworked oil.

Misato said something to me, a direction to do something, but all I could do was blink in confused ignorance. A gentle tap on the seatbelt buckle told me exactly what she meant.

"Right, Okay," I nodded my understanding. "Em…Hai!"

'Hai' Was Japanese for 'Yes', or something like that right? It seemed to be. She understood what I meant anyway.

A grey dossier, tape sealed with my name written on it, had been left on top of the glove compartment, something to read on the journey. With a squeal of tortured tyres, the car shot off, pushing me hard back into the seat.

Occasionally, the Captain would try and break the silence with some small conversation, but the only response I could give her was an ignorant smile. Eventually, she just gave up, the two of us continuing our journey in silence.

I had a more distracting problem though.

It wasn't that Misato was driving fast per se, it was just the way she had a tendency to hit just about any bump in the road at full speed, jolting me uncomfortably each time. Another item added to the list of things I had to get used to about my body was what the bustgunner effect.

Suffice to say, it wasn't just the car's suspension that was bouncing off the bumps.

I tried holding things steady with for a while, before giving up when Misato laughed at me. How the hell could she tolerate it, she was even bigger? Groaning, I shifted and fidgeted constantly in my seat, searching for some hidden place of relative comfort, despite my underwear trying to work it's way into ever more uncomfortable locations. With my new body, everything just felt strange, weight and sensation shifting unpredictably with even the smallest jolt.

Eventually I settled down somewhat, just watching out the window, still fascinated by the remains of the Angel and now all the shining fifty story glass and steel skyscrapers as well.

I'd never seen a building taller than ten.

I think, judging by the way Misato was waving her arm, she was trying to explain to me that the buildings could be raised and lowered. I just boggled at how the entire city was designed and constructed in only fifteen years, as well as the machinery below ground required to move it and operate it.

Finally, after maybe an hours journey through traffic we pulled up outside a familiar looking apartment block. My heart skipped a beat as I realised just why we were stopping there.

The Katsuragi apartment was likely to be my new home.

It made sense I suppose. I couldn't exactly live by myself, and the other two EVA Pilots already lived there, so it was the logical choice. I swallowed a sudden surge of nervous excitement, knowing that I'd probably be meeting Asuka and Shinji in a few minutes.

With a simple gesture Misato indicated that I should follow her. She quickly led me to a lift which took me ten stories up.

I took special care as we walked to the apartment to keep away from the railing that looked out over a fall of at least ten stories, down to a small atrium garden and playground inside the rectangular building.

And a single grey steel door directly in front of me with a brass plate marked 1014, and a series of Kanji I couldn't read.

She opened the apartment door but allowed me to enter first. Curiously, I stepped into what would be my home for the foreseeable future, a small tiled floor before a step up into the kitchen. Quickly, I was stopped by a tap on shoulder before I could get too far in.

Misato just smiled and pointed to my feet, before slipping out of her own high heels.

"Right, Okay," I nodded.

"Tadaima!" she announced, deftly tossing her jacket onto a hanger by the door.

I quickly shuffled out of the shoes that I had been given in the hospital and stepped up into the hallway. I couldn't help but feel like I was an intruder sneaking into somewhere he didn't belong.

"Em…Tadoyma." I copied her as best I could, following her in.

We were answered by a single lonely penguin, waddling his way to his owners arms, and silence.

If this was Misato's apartment, then where were Asuka and Shinji?

Stupid question.

They had to be at school, or training at NERV. I couldn't expect them to be here all the time. Misato cuddled and cooed at the penguin in her arms as if the bird was her own young baby, kissing the lucky bird as I began to explore my new residence.

It was just like the apartment from the series, a dead match, from the television and video set by the glass balcony doors, a cheap wooden table and chair set in the kitchen, to a short hallway and three doors, a fourth opening into what looked like a small hot press with a bed on the floor, a heart shaped sign hanging on the door.

I swallowed a building lump in my throat as I found a set of pair red plastic clip on the table in the kitchen, a few strands of rusty hair caught in them

They were Asuka's.

A digital tape player lay on the kitchen counter beside the cooker, headphone leads coiling and snaking around the little black box. I'd owned one just like it once, nearly ten years ago.

It probably belonged to Shinji.

In the wash basket were a few sets of dirty leotards, some underwear and other odds and ends.

A sudden rush of excitement. They were here. They were real people. I was there. I really was there.

I almost expected the two Pilot's to appear at the door arguing with each other. It was a strange feeling, bubbling in the pit of my stomach, a sensation that they'd just left the room and would be back any minute.

And what would Asuka think of me?

I know it was just fanboyish immaturity, and I kicked myself for it, but I just wanted to know what the German girl thought of me. Would she see me as a rival, something to be crushed and ground down into the ground?

Shinji, I was sure he'd be kind, but what could I say to him without accidentally hurting him, or poking at some raw nerve?

Christ, I knew so much about these people. More than I probably had a right to anyway. Asuka's mother, Misato and Second Impact, even Shinji's first meeting with Unit 01. One wrong word, a stupid slip of the tongue and I could find myself in hot water, or worse.

I could see the interrogation. The darkness, and a hot bright light burning in my face, hiding my inquisitors from view.

'Now tell us, just how did you know I had a boyfriend named Ryoji Kaji in college? And that we'd spent a week working on 'extra curricular activities'?'

'Um….'

Thank God for the language barrier is all I can say. I couldn't say something stupid if I couldn't speak the language, could I?

"Noriko." The Captain called for me.

She'd found a fresh towel, a selection of toiletries and some nightclothes for me to wear.

"Em…shower?"

I made the universal 'shower' gesture, sweeping my hand over my head to make sure she understood. I felt I looked like a right idiot doing it, but, I think she understood what I meant. Crazy hand gestures really were a universal language in themselves.

As the door slid shut behind me, I was confronted with the realisation that I'd have to undress myself again, then wash my naked body.

Maybe if I just closed my eyes and pretended nothing was different, I could do it.

I could take my clothes off, drop my underwear on the floor, run the shower and wash myself without ever noticing my current biological situation, or the fact that, in all fairness, I had quite a nice figure.

Nope, no chance of that.

My subconscious was having no small difficulty coming to terms with the obvious fact that the attractive female who was supposedly showering with me and gently lathering my body up with lavender soap was in fact just myself.

That, and I was getting …ahem…'ticklish' again.

Looking down at the results, I felt nauseous, strangely giddy and more than a little embarrassed and red faced at the effects. I tried to shake it off, but I found myself almost wanting to laugh at my own stupidity.

My brain, unsure what to make of the confusing sensations it had been receiving all day finally came to the conclusion that I was somehow sick, or had accidentally poisoned myself.

I threw the entire contents of my stomach up into the toilet, retching painfully until it was empty.

Good God would I ever get used to this?

Just get this done and carry on from there.

I finished cleaning my hair, which was a chore considering it now hung well below my shoulders. A small leaflet mixed in with the toiletries told me exactly what special hygiene needs EVA Pilot's had. As I took the razor to my legs, I consoled myself with the knowledge that even Shinji had to shave his body hairless.

And there was something soothing about shaving my legs, that I couldn't quite place. Until my shaven legs began to itch terribly.

I could deal with it. I could get used to it. Eventually.

Sliding the bathroom door open again, I was greeting by two words. A phrase I knew well from the poor quality fansubs that had first introduced us.

"Anta Baka."

The voice was too shrill to be Misato's, so it had to be someone else. And only one member of the Katsuragi household sounded like the BR announcer girl. Naturally.

With her rust coloured hair and turquoise school uniform, Asuka Langly Soryhu was standing beside the living room couch, radiating her natural pride and self confidence. It was enough to make me want to hide back in the shower before she noticed me.

"Gomen Nasai."

Small and meek, almost hiding from the teuton's accusations, it didn't take a genius to figure out who it belonged to. Searching for something in his white shirt pocket was Shinji Ikari.

Sitting cross legged at the table, nursing a can of beer was Misato, grinning right at me.

She hadn't told them yet, had she?

A shrill demand from the German redhead gave my answer.

That was a 'no' then.

Shinji nearly dropped the notepapers he was holding when he discovered the reason why she was shouting.

Another demand from Asuka, this time directed to the NERV Captain sitting at the table, grinning like a Cheshire cat at her. How long was Misato going to hold out on an answer? How long would it take for me to run to the door and avoid a violent confrontation?

"Nagato Noriko, Fourth Children," The dark-haired beauty finally introduced me.

"Fourth Children?" Shinji parroted. "Ikari Shinji," He bowed politely

Asuka was stunned for a moment, giving quick, sharp glances between myself, the future Major and the third Children. I could see it, the realisation working it's way into the deepest reaches of her mind, slowly insinuating itself into her consciousness.

A little unsure what to do myself, I could only bow like I'd seen in so many television shows.

With a snort and a prideful toss of her hair, I knew whatever Asuka'd said had been to cover her ass, and hide the fact that Shinji'd caught on well before her.

"Soryhu Asuka Langley, Second Children."

That much I understood at least, the fast paced monologue that followed shooting clear over my head.

I stared blankly, not having the foggiest idea what she was on about. Damn it, she probably already thought I was an idiot the way I was staring at her. If there was one memory of Noriko's I desperately wanted, it was her language skills.

Eventually Misato thankfully explained to her that I couldn't understand a word she was saying.

"So why can't you speak Japanese anyway, Fourth Child?"

"Em, I don't know."

"How can you not know if you'd ever been taught Japanese?" she asked in that colour of arrogance I knew she reserved for especially stupid statements.

I couldn't answer her. I just couldn't. I couldn't physically force the words out. There was something about her presence, the way she was standing that made her seem to tower over me, despite the fact that I was damned sure I had a few inches on her. Asuka's ice blue eyes studied me intently, as she clearly gauged my potential as a rival.

I had to say something.

I had to.

Anything.

Just to show I wasn't an idiot.

"I don't know," I squawked.

Cue sarcastic clapping, ringing in the back of my mind.

"What are you, stupid? Can't you say anything else?"

"I…."

Don't say it. Please don't say it. For the love of God don't say it.

"….don't know."

And I'd laughed at Shinji for being spineless. There I was, standing, acting with as much backbone as your average jellyfish. God, she probably thinks I'm such an eejit now.

"Now you're just annoying me. One last chance Fourth Child. Why weren't you taught Japanese?"

Okay, focus. Just tell the truth.

"I was in hospital for seven months. My memory's been damaged, so I can't remember."

It was an improvement anyway.

"There," she smiled. "That wasn't so hard, was it?"

"Not really."

Shinji was already getting dinner ready as Asuka changed her clothes. I just found place to hide on the couch. I'd been such an idiot I wanted to kick myself for it, bury myself in the grey pages of my Pilots manual and hide from my embarrassment and shame over my own stupidity.

Honestly though, could anybody else say they would've done any better?

The words in front of me blurred into single black lines while I tried to pretend I wasn't interested in the attractive German who'd dropped into the chair beside me.

I wasn't interested in her pale green T-shirt.

I wasn't interested in her tight fitting denim shorts.

Or her long, rust red hair for that matter.

Damn.

I just pushed my head deeper into the dossier and tried to let on I wasn't too concerned at all. It told me exactly how my short life would end anyway. Crushed by Unit 01 it was going to be.

"So you're the Pilot of Unit 03 then?"

Just focus on the words on the page, and not on who's asking the question

"Em…That's what it says here,"

"Nothing but a Yank Tank," she huffed. "It's _much _too complicated."

"It's a production model, similar to Unit 02." I said, reading from the dossier.

"It's nothing like MY Unit 02…"

"It says here it's supposed to be better," I interrupted, blissfully ignorant of the immediate danger, still reading the specifications. "Because of the degree integration of computer control into the firing system, it has a faster target acquisition time, as well as a higher hit ratio with standard weaponry,"

I should've really remembered _who _I was talking to.

"An EVA can only be as good as the Pilot, Fourth Child," Asuka finally snapped. "I'm _still_ the number one Pilot with the highest synchronisation scores. You haven't even performed your activation tests yet have you Fourth?"

"Eh…"

I don't know why I hadn't expected it. Had I still been a guy, chances are I'd have gained a stinging red hand print across my cheek for the trouble. As it was, the Second Child was staring my accidental challenge down, daring me to counter attack.

"Well, I've been in a hospital, I can't synchronise when I'm in hospital, can I?"

Maybe surrender would've been the better choice.

"Of course not. It's a wonder they even selected you as Pilot after being injured like that,"

Asuka blitzkrieged my token challenge to her personal superiority. The final assault was broken only by a voice calling us to the kitchen. All hostility's were to be ended by a plate of fried fish and rice.

At least dinner was quiet.

My first meal ended and time passed with Misato trying to teach me some basic Japanese from a battered old phrasebook. My accent butchered her native tongue, but learning enough Japanese to tell people I couldn't speak Japanese gave me a fine sense of accomplishment anyway.

An argument between the two Pilots was passed by me quietly reading my manual, ducking beneath the flying German and Japanese insults, Shinji giving back most of what he took.

Was I going to have to listen to this all the time?

Or could I just move in with Rei?

She'd be a nice, quiet person to live with, wouldn't she?

The argument died down, as what sounded like a shower began to hum in the background.

Pen-Pen arrived, demanding my attention, staring at me with his beady little green eyes, just waiting for me to do something. It was almost like he knew something wasn't right about me.

He just stared.

"Waark!" he announced, before waddling away to Shinji, cleaning the dishes.

It was almost disappointing. I'd been expecting something more substantial, 'Nevermore' perhaps.

"Weird Bird."

It's because of all the beer Misato feeds him." Asuka explained. "He's gone funny in the head with it."

"Beer?" My eye's widened and my lips went dry. It'd been a while since I'd had a drink. That, and I just wanted to know how the hell a penguin could drink from a can.

"If you can even call it that. It's nothing but swill compared to German beer."

I quite like Yebisu. A restaurant back home sold it.

"Gomen, Gomen, " Shinji stammered, before almost running through the hall to his room while holding his nose.

"What was that about?"

Misato came from the hall behind him wearing a towel, and not much else.

"Deviant probably peaked at Misato in the shower, not that she makes much of an effort to hide herself."

She said something in German that didn't sound to friendly before returning to the television.

A documentary about the Second Impact War in Europe was on. Asuka took great pride in explaining the various victories of the German Federal Army against the Eastern Communist Coalition, despite the fact that during the war all the armies of the former European Union had been united into one common army.

She also was quick to warn me about 'Any rookie behaviour getting in her way' during the next Angel battle.

Misato said something to Asuka, something she didn't sound too pleased about either.

"You're sleeping in my room tonight Fourth Child."

That was it.

I would've preferred somewhere on my own, the couch perhaps. Even Shinji's room would be better.

The Pilot's room was small, and a little messy, with some clothes and underwear thrown around, mixed with clothes catalogues and copies of German magazines piled haphazardly in the corner, heavy with the scent of perfumes, deodorant and sweat.

A small white rectangular mat on the floor, squeezed between the bed and the closet space.

Quietly, I just slipped between my lightweight bedsheets, cowering while Asuka got ready for bed beside me.

While she was getting changed I tried my absolute best to avoid seeing her naked. It just wasn't right to look at her, or even share the same bedroom as the Second Child.

If I was lucky, maybe I might even wake up in my own bed. This was my third night's sleep as Noriko so, third time lucky, right? I could wake up in my own bed, maybe with some new pointers on characterisation, or a fanfic idea.

Somehow that didn't exactly seem like a going possibility. For one thing, my maths were wrong...

"I want to go home," I mumbled to myself. "I just want to go home."

"Where're you from anyway?" Asuka cut in.

"Em….I don't know."

Asuka gave a grunt of annoyed frustration before turning over in her bed, muttering something to herself.

She probably hated me now, or at least thought I was an idiot. That was just perfect. I just rolled over, curled up into myself and tried to get some sleep. Eventually, I was successful.

I ended up keeping Misato's nightdress. It smelt faintly of beer and lavender, and I had no problems feeling attracted to her

**I...I**

Thank you to Jabberwok for his help writing this.

Edited 2010. Still way too bloody short

Dartz


	3. New Car smell

New Perspective Evangelion

I don't own NGE, someone else does,  
Some stuff might be mentioned that's copyright,  
Don't bug me about it.  
It's just in the name of fun anyway.

Kudos to JCM and Himonky for their help with this.

**I…I**

Morning came, and the first thing I was aware of was a painful kick to the hip.

"Mmmm, Misato, do that again." I mumbled dreamily into my pillow.

When the Captain had discovered the truth of my origins, she'd gone out of her way to ensure that I was given a personal and thorough tour of the intricacies of my new anatomy. Perhaps there was something to this female form after all?

"Wha….? Ak. It's your activation test Fourth Child."

The high pitched voice of my new roommate kicked me back into reality. It was like a screaming power saw cutting hard steel, slowing ripping it's way into my dreams and shredding them to pieces.

"Yeah, yeah."

I buried my face in my pillow, and willed her to go away and leave me sleep, trying to block her out. Nuts to her, she should let me enjoy my few moments wrapped in the soothing warmth of my own blankets, the softness of my own skin, and the nimble fingers of the future Major.

"Get up!" she ripped my blankets off.

Suddenly colder, I rolled over and looked up at the redhead through sleep heavy eyes. She was standing proudly over me, wearing the uniform of Tokyo-3 junior high.

"Alright," I groaned, batting uselessly at the space where her foot had been.

Did she say something about an activation test? How come she was told, and I wasn't? Ah, right, it had been in the manual. I'd read that last night.

It was to be at 2:00pm.

What time was it?

A bleary eyed look at the digital clock above me told me it was only seven in the morning. Seven hours, or something like that, to go. At least let me get some sleep before I get infected by Bardiel.

Nope, it was too late for that now. My bedclothes were currently in the hands of an annoyed German who's sole objective was to remove me from my comfortable place of rest.

Grumbling to myself, I pushed myself upright, my breasts shifting irritatingly again. My fifth day as Noriko had begun.

Joining my three flatmates for breakfast, still wearing my nightshirt while the others were already dressed, I found my empty chair at the table.

"Good morning Noriko," Misato greeted me cheerfully, and slowly so I could understand her.

"Good Morning…em…" The correct choice of honorific and level of politeness?

Katsuragi-san," I ventured.

I'd always told it pays to be as polite and respectful as possible in Japan, and besides that was the way they did it on TV.

"Misato," she waved it off.

Minor formality glitches not withstanding the Captains language lessons from the previous night were already showing some minor effects. But still, the topic of the morning's conversation remained a mystery to me as I concentrated on the slightly soggy cereal in the bowl in front of me, and how best to keep it from a persistent penguin begging for a share.

Eight O'clock saw a ring at the door, which was answered by Shinji, the boy sighing as he realised nobody else would do it.

Asuka and Misato couldn't have been bothered, and I was too concerned myself with trying to copy what everyone was doing. Okay so it may have seemed stupid and petty but, the way I figured it, with my two female flatmates as role models, if I just did what they did and kept my mouth shut, I'd pick up this Japanese girl thing in a few weeks and nobody would be any the wiser as to my true origins. As it was, I was having trouble just matching the way Misato sat, that strange way she crossed her legs on her chair, pressing the soles of her feet together.

The purpled haired beauty grinned at me as I fidgeted on that seat, trying not to tip forward.

I was glad to see she was getting some entertainment out of it at least. How she could do it I didn't know.

Asuka swore as a dawn chorus of voices answered the door. I could see the chill visibly run down her spine as the source of the morning song appeared through the door. Two smiling faces accompanied by the flash of video camera lens.

"San Baka" Asuka huffed, or something to that effect

"What?"

"The three stooges."

Misato smiled a good morning, hugging herself in such a way as to make her breasts rise proudly. Asuka snorted her distaste for our guardian, while I wondered if I had to do that too. I sure as hell didn't want to, the mere thought of one of them getting interested in me, kissing me, doing….'things' to me, had my stomach wrapping itself in sickening knots.

"Ahoy O'Gozzoymuss" I offered meekly in my own incongruous North Dublin drawl.

Silence, and instantly, I knew I'd made a terrible mistake.

Both stared at me, trying to figure out who I was. I recognised that look on their faces immediately and it terrified me. It was one I'd worn many times myself the first time I'd met a nice girl and wondered just what lay waiting beneath her clothes.

Another barked demand from the pair sent Shinji reeling against wall. The grey eyed youth struggled to regain his footing, as I struggled to figure out what happened.

"Gomen." he stuttered, before launching into a rapid fire explanation

The fair haired boy, Kensuke Aida obviously, adjusted his glasses, his gaze shifting between me and Shinji. Touji doing similar, glancing between the Pilot of Unit 01 and myself.

'Please no, not _that_,' I thought, cringing noticeably

I knew what they wanted, simply because in their position, I would've been looking for the exact same thing. Of course, I was that shy, pale skinned quiet type so beloved of dating-sim fanboys, in their eyes at least. They looked to me to be veritable experts in the genre.

I could just imagine what Shinji was saying to them.

"There's something about Noriko that worries me. She's interesting and all that, but I can't help but get the feeling that there's more to her quietness than a simple lack of language skills. Maybe you might know what I should do."

Whatever he'd said, he finished with one phrase I could pick out.

"Pilot Sangouki"

Aida's eyes lit up with those words

"Aida Kensuke," he offered smartly, with a respectful bow

Should I even answer?

If I said something, and he got the wrong idea, well….it just wasn't going to be fun for either of us. My own fanboy battalion was something I could quite happily do without.

"Suzahara Touji," the tracksuited teenager bowed in turn.

Did I have to do something now?

Just be polite and courteous, it was the Japanese thing to do.

"I am Nagato Noriko," I said meekly, lowering my head.

Asuka winced.

It was a welcome relief for them both to answer with what sounded like a courteous "Nice to meet you." At least, I hoped that's what it was. There was something about their leering eyes that, somehow, made me think there was much more to it than that.

Thankfully, I wouldn't find out.

"Sayonara Misato," they waved as they left.

"Sayonara," she answered through her second golden beer can.

"Sayonara Noriko," the two chimed in.

"Oh God no," I mumbled, burying my face in my hands.

Looking at the pale orange sludge of dissolving cornflakes in front of me, I suddenly decided that I wasn't feeling too hungry after all.

It was best just to get dressed and hide until everyone left, and save myself from making a fool of myself again. My shared room would be my sanctuary from social slip ups and new psychological scars.

Unfortunately, Asuka had other ideas.

A few seconds after I closed the door, I heard it rattle open again. I could've cursed her for following me.

"You do know what you've just done Fourth Child?" she said.

I wanted her to leave me alone. I wanted to go back to bed. I wanted to curl up beneath my warm blankets and return to that blissful state between waking up and becoming fully aware of the world where I wouldn't have to worry about any of these small social niceties.

But still, I knew what she meant, and I still felt I would be a traitor to my gender if I didn't take the side of the stooges.

"They were just being polite." I answered, trying not to shrink back before the Second Child. "So was I."

"Polite?" Asuka snorted. "There was only _one_ thing they were doing and it wasn't being polite."

"Not all guys are like that," I said. "It's possible for a man to be polite to a woman without being….interested….y'know."

It still sent cold shivers up my back just thinking about it.

"Ack…" The Bavarian twitched, "How hopelessly romantic. Look, listen here…." she grabbed me roughly by the shoulder, dragging me close. "…Because this is a Euro's worth of free advice that could save your life someday."

I just nodded.

"Never _ever_ give them an opening," she said. "They will _always _exploit it. They are relentless. They will follow you to the ends of the Earth. When you have nowhere further to run they will wear down your defences, and when they do, you will be theirs for the taking, understand?"

There was something about the way she explained it that sent a chill down my spine, the way it made men sound almost like the Borg

"Sort of." I mumbled, thinking it was best not to argue the point, "But then, what am I supposed to do?"

"What are you, stupid?" Asuka huffed, "Ignore them of course. If you absolutely have to talk to them, make sure they know _you_ are the one in control."

All I could do was groan slightly and stare at my bare feet. This was so much more complicated than I thought it would be. Who could've thought an attractive girl could have such problems?.

What was going to happen when they decided it was time to send me to school as well?

Urgh….

It would probably be best for my sanity not to dwell on that too much.

"Thanks." I said eventually, still nowhere near being sure of myself.

"Well, that's just one of the benefits of an Asuka Langly Soryhu friendship Fourth Child. You should count yourself lucky you have this opportunity."

She made it sound almost like a sales pitch. But still, she'd actually offered friendship. Whether I was some means towards supporting her own ego, or she'd just taken pity on me I didn't know, but still, it came as an electric excitement that Asuka would actually consider _me_ a friend. Regardless as to whether it was some dumb fanboy thing on my part, or gratefulness that I could actually consider myself as having a friend, I still smiled widely.

"Thank you," I said again

"Just don't let it go to your head."

Too late.

"And learn Japanese quickly, okay? I don't want to have to be your interpreter."

"I will!" I chirruped gleefully.

"Asuka!" Misato called from outside, tapping on the door.

"Gah!" she spat, before answering back, not sounding too pleased about whatever our guardian had said.

"School," the redhead explained simply, "Not that I_ need_ to go of course, but the law is the law."

"I don't have to go," I grinned.

It had been decided that, for the time being, I could give Japanese schooling a miss, something for which I was most grateful. I definitely didn't look forward to a return to the industrial meat grinder that was institutionalised secondary education.

"Well it's good for some," she remarked with a toss of her hair. "Good luck with your test, I could do with some competent backup for once."

And then she left.

I was buzzing almost. While I still couldn't figure out just why she was doing it, Asuka had decided to consider me a friend. Whatever the reason, she was someone who had decided they _wanted _to be with me. I just had to hope I didn't screw it up again and end up annoying her. Asuka as an enemy I didn't want.

I washed myself and got dressed, which, with only Misato in the apartment, was quite pleasant. I didn't have much to wear, just some essentials that had been provided, but I didn't mind. I think I might've felt good about myself, a little more comfortable with my situation now that I was beginning to get used to it.

"Noriko" Misato called for me. "It is time."

As we both left the apartment, I was actually in a good mood.

I was guided back to the 'blue bucket', as I privately called Misato's Alpine, for the short journey down to the Geofront. Sitting in the speeding death trap, I tried to bury my face in the little phrasebook I'd been given and ignore the death rattle of the door on it's hinges.

"How do you feel?" Misato asked.

I couldn't answer, at least, I didn't have anywhere near the vocabulary to fully articulate myself.

Sickeningly apprehensive, that I might soon be running through the fingers of Unit 01. Confused, as to why Asuka would want me for a friend. Excited anticipation, that I'd be sitting at the controls of a giant robot, and more than a little curious at the same time. All whirled and spun like a washing machine in the back of my mind. Would breathing LCL really be as easy as it was in the series, or would it be more like _The Abyss _with me coughing and hacking the blood of Lilith onto the walkways Would Bardiel attack early, or the EVA run amok in headquarters?

Though, in the end, I really only had one word to choose from.

"I am…em…excited."

I was facing my possible death, and to tell the truth I was more concerned with whether the plugsuit would be comfortable or not.

Maybe it was a sign, that perhaps any fears I had were unfounded. Of course, maybe it was just my subconscious being kind for once and searching for some way for me not to think about becoming pilot pâté.

Either way, the 'Emergency Procedures' section of the manual was proving a gripping read.

I was jostled from my studies by a sudden jerked change of direction of the car. The vehicle was locked to some carriage, travelling downwards through some darkened tunnel, descending deeper with every second.

There is no Bardiel, my mind repeated. It's too early for Bardiel.

"Noriko."

"Huh?"

"It will be okay," Misato smiled at me. "You will enjoy this."

'_Enjoy what?_', I wondered.

Instantly, the car was flooded with brilliant morning sunlight once more. I blinked at the sight of inverted steel towers, hanging from the ceiling like great shining steel stalactites. Awestruck, I wondered at the mechanisms necessary to build and maintain the Ceiling City, that could raise and lower thousands of tonnes of tower in minutes. A spider's web of tunnels and catwalks weaved between the hanging towers, linking great grey sleeping pig-like structures that must've housed the mega-scale machinery needed.

Below, verdant green fields and rolling hills, a lake glistening in the morning sun almost as if a million miniature stars were blinking on its surface. The military grey form of a single battlecruiser slept peacefully on the water. Far in the corner, the pyramid structure of NERV headquarters sat dominantly, a building that would probably rival any building on the surface for height. It was definitely the largest I'd seen anyway.

The car appeared to be almost suspended in midair, floating slowly towards the ground far below. In the distance, a few grey towers poked up from the summer meadows, lop sided and leaning strangely.

Damage, from the Angel attacks.

All of this churned around in my mind, my lips struggling to articulate everything I wanted to say. It all boiled and distilled down into one single anti-climatic statement.

"Wow."

The headquarters building was more of the same, it was huge inside, great glass atriums and ten story escalators led to a warren of corridors and side passages, the type someone could disappear into one day and never find their way out. Hundreds of people milled about doing jobs I couldn't fathom, orange boiler suited technicians and tan uniformed bureaucrats. I flashed through pages in the dossier I'd been given, searching for a map, anything that could possibly be our destination, or just where in the hell I was.

All the corridors, storerooms and offices just looked the same. A flat, sterile white, with a red bar running along the wall. The occasional brass panel told me where I was, at least, it told me the name of where I was.

We passed the NERV psychological wards, dark and cordoned off with yellow tape, some rubble blocking the way some distance down. I just kept close to Misato being damned careful not to get lost. Chances are they'd never find me if I did.

Another sign.

MEDULA 247-A:: CENTRAL DOGMA

Didn't we already pass that?

I swear, sometimes it felt like we were just walking in circles.

In the end, I wasn't sure if it was by design, or just sheer luck on Misato's part, but somehow, we found our way to what seemed to be just any other motorised door on some unassuming hallway, unremarkable among the thousands of others that made up the labyrinth of NERV headquarters.

Inside though, was a familiar looking blonde woman wearing a white labcoat.

A quick exchange between the doctor and my guardian, and Misato left.

"Good luck" she said in accented English before the door closed behind me. It sounded like a set of prison bars slamming home for the final time, consigning me to my fate.

"Good morning Noriko," the doctor said. "Doctor Ritsuko Akagi, it's a pleasure to meet you."

I knew it.

And she was speaking clear English.

Thank God for that.

I could have almost run over and hugged her for it.

"Hi," I said quietly, taking in her office.

It was definitely smaller than I expected, being about the size of a cubicle. That's the way it seemed to me anyway, with the walls lined with shelves, file folders stacked haphazardly, mixed with more than a few _chibi_ ceramic cats, old Hello Kitty's and a few cold cups of a mysterious yellowy brown liquid that might once have been coffee. Through another door was a white dividing screen, and not much else that I could see.

"I assume you know what the Evangelion is already?"

"I do," I nodded, showing my grey dossier. "I read about Unit 03."

And watched director's cut of all twenty six episodes including EoE and Episode twenty-one.

"Good," she gave me a slight smile. "That will save us some time."

I was almost quaking, and trying to hide it, the butterflies in my stomach slowly working their way up my throat.

"If you'll just step next door and undress, I'll be with you as soon as I can."

'_Well' _I thought ruefully as I pulled my shirt over my head, _'At least I'm getting plenty of practice.'_

Although at the same time, I couldn't help but question why it was necessary for me to be poked and prodded by the doctor as if I was just another interesting specimen under her microscope.

"We need to make certain your body can withstand the stresses induced by the Evangelion." the doctor told me as she disappeared to prepare an injection, tapping the shining needle menacingly. "It's not like flying a plane you know."

I grimaced on the table as Ritsuko deftly reminded me of the one memory of Noriko's I _didn't_ want. Well it was either that or the tunnel boring machine grinding it's way slowly through my shoulder.

"Normally, we'd just give you an MRI scan, but because of how some of your injuries were treated, the old fashioned way will have to do."

Another stab to the shoulder meant another injection.

"Don't you have any records, from the hospital like?"

I was a desperate for some way to end this, for some escape from my torture at the cold damp hands of the 'good' Doctor. I thought about running for it, but the grey painted portal to safety seemed impossibly far away, the industrial ventilation seeming impossibly cold against my soft bare skin.

"They don't tell us everything we need to know," she answered, in a matter of fact tone that to my ears seemed almost sadistic.

Everyone just _loved_ torturing the new guy…err girl, didn't they?

It took an hour of examinations, questions, probings and God knows what else before my tormentor finally finished her work, disappearing back to her office to collate the data, leaving me still nude and sitting on the vinyl table. A quick visual search for my clothes, or anything to wear turned up nothing.

"This would've been so much better if I'd just been a guy." I sighed, flopping back onto the table with a dry slap of skin on plastic. I could've enjoyed myself, I could've been more relaxed and at ease instead of making an idiot of myself constantly. I could've have had a chance with Misato for Christ's sake, instead of having to deal with the unwanted interests of two stooges.

"What was that?" The doctor returned, carrying a plastic package under her arm

"Um…nothing." I swallowed my words. "Just thinking out loud."

That was one secret I wouldn't let out for love nor money.

"You do know that's the first sign of madness," she remarked offhand, "Perhaps we may need to run a full neural scan, as well as a few more _intensive_ tests."

I baulked at the mere thought of spending one extra second beneath her tender mercies.

The reward of a gently cultured chuckle told me that had been the exact response she'd been expecting

"This is your plugsuit," she dropped the package on the bed beside me, "You'll need to wear it, for hygiene reasons. I'll leave you in privacy to change."

As she left me again I couldn't help but wonder if she meant it as a joke or not. Privacy? She already knew me better than I knew myself, inside and out.

It was with a childlike glee that I unwrapped the plugsuit from it's package, plastic neural clips clattering onto the floor. It was a Jordan yellow mostly, with black trim, almost like some form fitting hornet suit. Surprisingly, once I'd figured out how to seal it properly, it was perfectly comfortable. It may have been skintight moulded plastic, but whatever it was lined with was soft and well padded. That, and I couldn't help but stare at myself in the mirror.

I was, strangely, more comfortable with myself wearing a body hugging thermoplastic suit than a bra and panties.

Right until the Doctor lead me out of her office.

The suit squeaked and creaked like new leather with every step I took, following the white coated woman to the cages and my EVA. As much as I was finding the plugsuit physically comfortable, it left me with a strange, almost paranoid feeling that I was being watched. I could feel every set of eyes I passed directed down at me, at my body. It didn't help that most of those leering eyes were at least twice my age, glistening orbs of perversion studying every inch of my figure.

At least it was a short journey.

Doctor Akagi slid her I.D. card through a door ominously marked

AUTHOURISED PERSONNEL ONLY. VIOLATORS SUBJECT TO Y20,000,000 FINE OR INDEFINITE IMPRISONMENT OR BOTH.

Something about that sent a chill down my spine. I was stepping on forbidden ground.

But, at least it was just back to Ritsuko and me, and a short empty passage to what looked like a lift, the designation R-20 emblazoned on it in red paint. A sterile white inside, like so many others, a small mechanical counter ticking through the floors. I never knew how long some of the lift rides in NERV actually could be.

Doctor Akagi was more interested with her notes on her clipboard then me.

I idly poked at what looked like a USB connector moulded into my shoulder, wondering perhaps what it could be for. It was marked with a white printed 'MED'. 'Medical' perhaps? Could it be some way of downloading my vital signs. Pinching it, I could feel some thin strands of wiring running from it, towards the small pack on my back, studded with sockets of different sorts.

On my waist, a pair of what looked like stainless steel plumbing fixtures jutted forward. I could see my reflection distorted on the machined metal, tinted gold somewhat. Prodding the shaped steel, I could feel it coldly pressing against my stomach. I wondered perhaps if I stuck my finger through one of them would I be able to feel my own skin, but that was interrupted by the hollow rumble of the doors splitting open.

A draught of industrial air washed over me, heavy with the smell of oil, ozone and something that, for the life of me, I couldn't place. I could taste it on my tongue, running down the back of my throat. It was a strong salty tingle, kind of like slightly unfresh fish.

"Follow me."

I stepped out into some great cavernous chamber that, for a moment could have been any other in the vast complex that was NERV HQ. Then, I noticed a black painted wall opposite me, seemingly out of place on the concrete floor.

Ritsuko merely directed my attention upwards.

"Sweet Jesus!"

My small voice seemed as if it was swallowed by the monster towering above me. A black armoured giant, polished armour plating shining beneath the harsh white light of gantry suspended spotlights, loomed over me. Sleek and clean, like some multi-story metal athlete it seemed almost to carry on forever, the distant ceiling lost in the haze of tungsten arc lights. I'd seen the Evangelion onscreen, and even a few pictures, but the difference between a photograph of an EVA and the actual EVA was like the difference between a Honda Cub and a Honda Fireblade.

And I was supposed to pilot that thing?

There was something so utterly terrifying about the size of the mech, and the sheer scale of the power it must hold, that I didn't even realise I'd been led to another lift until I felt it take off moving.

As meters of the mech flashed past the true reality of my situation was beginning to take hold, the King rat slowly crawling his way up my back to have his fill of my psyche as I neared the entry plug of the EVA. I fidget as I stood, the rodent digging his claws into my spine before resting his weight on my shoulder.

There were so many ways this could fail. Each one having terrible consequences for me.

I was shaking, struggling to force myself to walk as I was again led out onto the umbilical bridge to the white cylinder, mounted on a cradle before me.

"Just sit inside, and we'll do the rest for this test." Ritsuko said, trying to be reassuring.

"Okay." I squeaked, almost like a mouse.

"It will be alright." she said.

As the hatch of the entry plug finally slid home, I was left sitting in the cradle like cockpit, alone, my breath ringing off the steel walls of what could quickly become my coffin. I was connected to the machine, held fast in that seat by the plumbing on my stomach, and the electronics on my back.

In front of me, the Unit's dedication plaque read:

EVANGELION  
UNIT 03  
NERV MASSACHUSSETS  
UNITED STATES

"And the lights all went out in Massachusetts…." I mumbled nervously, tunelessly, the walls of my claustrophobic cockpit closing in around me.

There were so many painful ways this could fail, and I was painfully aware of each one of them. EVA could just say 'no', and reject the connections, leaving me useless as a Pilot. Or, it could go berserker like Zero did on Rei and mangle my body, sending me straight back to the hospital. Add to that the fact it could just decide to fry my brain and leave me with my own toy doll to play with. Finally, there was Bardiel.

The Thirteenth Angel.

An insidious monster that, that very moment, could be slumbering below me ready to cripple me, or worse.

I could feel it move, each heart wrenching jerk, each long hollow creak a candidate for the angels attack. King's rat whispered soul crushing possibilities in my ear. Would it just be some sudden thunderclap that knocks me into blissful unconsciousness, before I wake up in a hospital bed, or at home, or not all? Or, terrifyingly, would I have to live through each excruciating moment of the attack, staring at the steel wall above me, just waiting for it to cave in and crush the life from my body?

Flying towards inevitability like a burning jet…

"Gah!"

I shook my head, stopping myself before I could get any further. If I kept chasing my own mental tail like that, chances are I'd fry my brain by myself, with no help from Bardiel and friends.

After what seemed like forever the plug rotated around me as it descended into Unit 03's spine, creaking loudly as it came to a halt.

No going back now,I thought.

"We're about to fill your plug with LCL." The digitised voice of Doctor Akagi blasted harshly from a speaker in the headrest beside my ear.

I could've jumped and hit the ceiling above me, if I hadn't been held down. Christ she'd nearly given me a heart attack.

"Don't worry, it's perfectly breathable. Once your lungs are filled with LCL your blood will be oxygenated directly."

I heard it begin to burble in far beneath me, the orange liquid, rising rapidly up, creeping around the cockpit assembly in front of me. Running up my legs, it was warm, quickly soaking through to my bones.

"It's breathable." I said. "Perfectly breathable."

That worked right up until the point where the foul smelling liquid crept inexorably past my neck.

Gasped, panicked breaths heaved great gulps of air into my lungs, my rapid respiration ringing in his helmet. Rapidly, I searched for some escape, scanning the plug for any form of escape hatch or dump valve.

One last breath, I was sure it would be the last, and the foul fluid closed in around me, covering my head. My lungs burned for just one more breath, a distant voice reassuring me that the liquid was breathable drowned by the hammering of my panicked heart against my chest.

I swallowed my breath, forcing it back down, desperate to hold on to it.

But I couldn't.

Instinct overrode my conscious mind, my body dumping the wasted breath, bubbling up in the fluid. I gasped for fresh air, my lungs flooding with the orange liquid instead. Instantly, my body rejected the liquid, coughing, retching, painfully trying to expel the fluid from my lungs.

Another desperate gasp for air, another cough, and the lizard brain finally resigned itself to death.

To my lasting surprise though, I felt myself breathing normally. Rapidly, still panicking and gasping, but not drowning. It was an odd, disconcerting feeling, the fluid flowing through my lungs, trickling up and down my throat with every breath, gurgling musically into my stomach.

It tasted of warm blood, like a raw steak that had been left in the sun for a bit too long.

"I feel sick," I groaned.

"Do not vomit," the doctor warned. "If you vomit it could kill you."

I wasn't going to argue.

I took another deep breath, and gripped the two control throttles tightly, gently fingering the two thumbpads built into them. I remember thinking that they felt very plasticky and loose, like the switches my mother's old Fiat Panda almost.

Lord how I'd hated that thing.

At that moment though, I'd have been lying if I said I didn't long for that wheezy old bucket again.

"Alright Noriko." Akagi interrupted my musings. "We're about to begin on this end. Remember, the EVA is highly sensitive to your emotional state. It is imperative that you remain as calm as possible."

Oh fine, that'll be easy for me now. I was about as calm and collected as Excel after a few too many cans of Red Bull.

"Roger." I answered, my hands quivering on the throttles.

"Good. Configure language logic interface for English."

Something inside the cockpit beeped, the five display panels coming to life, displaying only a sky blue.

"Charging LCL."

The liquid flashed crystal clear. It was the last thing I saw before I wedged my eyes shut, bracing myself, silently praying that Bardiel would stay away.

"First stage connection complete, one through twenty-seven. Opening Second stage circuits."

I began to feel a gentle pressure at the back of my skull, and electric tingle fingering its way into the back of my mind.

"Second stage connection complete and stable, twenty eight through sixty-nine. Pilot vitals within acceptable limits. Opening final third stage."

That tingle spread to my entire body, prickling like a static charge across my skin.

"Safety interlocks released, no anomalies detected, approaching Absolute Borderline in…

Point oh-three…."

My mind raced as the final countdown began. The borderline was where the Angel began its attack, I remembered that clearly. That and Unit 01's armoured hand clenching around the entry plug; Shinji's final scream. My death was seconds away now possibly.

"Point oh-two…."

There was an electric power flowing through my body now, a current of energy running in my veins. A pressure was building in the back of my head, not unlike the beginnings of a headache. The Angel? Could it be?

"Point oh-one…."

Oh Holy fuck here it comes. Just please be quick. Just please don't hurt me.

"Absolute borderline."

A surge of energy punched into the back of my skull, a torrent of sensation invading my consciousness. The rat finally bit and in an instant, I was sure that it was Bardiel, that he had come to attack me and that within a few heartbeats the life would be crushed from my body.

An instant of absolute terror and I lashed back, yelping in fear as a buried my head protectively in my hands. There was a sudden blare of an alarm. Momentarily, I was reminded of Red alert siren from Star Trek. It was that same repeating alarm, announcing the finality of my fate with its terrifyingly shrill tones.

I quivered in fear, shivering as I tried to brace myself.

A few distant metallic groans resonated through the metal plug, ringing in my ears. Each one was amplified by my mind to be Unit 03, liberating itself from its concrete cage in spectacular fashion, each rattle a wild thrash for freedom. Static hissed through the speakers beside my ear, dead air only, since most of those nearby were probably dead anyway.

Who's to say maybe the EVA's hadn't been destroyed as well?

That Bardiel wasn't just calmly making his way down to Terminal Dogma right now to start Third Impact and kill everyone in an ending to my life that would make Tomino proud.

"Noriko," A voice tried to break the wall of my terror. "Noriko, what happened?"

Blinking, I raised my head a looked around. Still terrified, still shaking like a leaf, I noticed something flashing on all five display panels around me. All five panels were a flat blue except for one message:

ERROR:: 634 SYSTEMFAILABORT(0x236567, 0x367EF5, 0xFBA290, 0xFF0000)PSYCHPULSEREVERSEFLOW

Okay, what did that mean?

"Error." I blurted out.

The Doctor didn't sound too concerned. There were no dying screams ringing out across the radio. I could hear nothing now except the distant murmur of an electric motor, humming away behind me. I could feel nothing except my own body, my light weight acting against the seat.

Finally, the pieces just fell into place.

Bardiel hadn't attacked.

"Oh thank you," I exhaled a long sigh, blowing bubbles in the LCL.

"Are you alright?" Akagi asked.

"Em… Yeah," I answered.

"How are you feeling?"

To me, it seemed the strangest question to ask.

"Fine," I responded weakly.

"Are you sure?" the digital voice pushed, "The EVA can be very sensitive to its pilot's emotional state. You _must _remain calm or the safety systems will trip and the EVA will shut down."

Safety systems?

And what about Bardiel? I'd felt something come at me, I didn't know what. How could I be sure that this little glitch hadn't just bought me a few moments time, that some higher power wasn't playing with me the same way some sadistic kid would with play a butterfly right before he ripped its wings off.

How could I be calm?

How could I venture the possibility of Bardiels existence and encourage them to maybe inspect the EVA? How could I say it, without drawing suspicion to myself? Instead of being crushed to death, I'd find myself locked in some dark oubliette, interrogated for every possible ounce of information about the Angels, Third Impact and Seele.

"We're about ready to try again," Akagi's voice interrupted, thankfully.

"Um…"

I had to say something.

"I felt something, in the EVA." I said, my voice still quivering.

"That is the Personality type O.S." the abrupt answer came back. "It is necessary for synchronisation."

No help there then.

"Just relax back. Focus you're mind only on my voice and your breathing, nothing else. Clear your mind of all extraneous thoughts."

Easier said than done. She wasn't the one sitting on top of a monster. But still, it was better than the alternative.

"Take a long, deep breath," Ritsuko instructed. "Hold it, one…two…three, then exhale slowly."

Well it's better than nothing I suppose_,_I thought, trying to follow her instructions. I didn't nod, or answer, or anything, I just closed my eyes again, and tried to focus on my breathing, anything other than the menace lurking beneath me.

"Opening first stage connections."

Okay, in through the nose, hold…two…three…, out through the mouth. Just hold it together.

"First stage connection complete, one through twenty-seven. Opening Second stage circuits."

I could feel that same tingle beneath the A10 clips, a distant energy insinuating itself into my awareness.

"Second stage connection complete and stable, twenty eight through sixty-nine. Pilot vitals within acceptable limits. Opening final third stage."

Again, in two…three…out. I could feel the LCL flowing trough my lungs, circulating gently against my skin. The tingle flooded my body, as my thoughts began to drift away back to Bardiel.

"Safety interlocks released, minor pulse fluctuations detected. Fluctuations within system tolerance. Approaching Absolute Borderline in…

Point oh-three…."

In through the mouth. Don't think of the Angel. Don't think of EVA. Don't think about anything but breathing. Easier said than done. Hold it…

"Point oh-two…"

…two…three. Still terrified, still shaking, my hands rattled the throttles. I could sense that same presence rising to meet me, slowly fingering it's way up into the belly of my conscious mind. It didn't feel malevolent.

"Point oh-one…"

Whatever it was, it was coming, pushing its way into my awareness, electric sensations racing through my body, a heavy weight bearing down on my shoulders. It was the borderline. It was the Angel. It was the EVA. For a brief instant in my mind, it was anything that could harm me. Fractions of a second dragged to an eternity as I waited for the borderline.

Any second now…

Brace…

Exhale.

"Borderline."

A rush of sheer power and my body spasmed. I gasped for another breath, a flood of sensation racking my body. My conscious mind reeled trying to make sense of it all. Again, for a terrifying moment, I was sure it was Bardiel

And then, a strange, soothing calm.

I couldn't explain it. I was sure I should have been terrified, but, somehow, all my fears had disappeared, washed away by the flood of synchronisation. Cautiously, I cracked open my eyes, to be met by a view of the cage wall.

"Unit 03 approaching full power. Pilot synchronisation stable."

Okay…

I blinked again.

Then allowed myself a relived chuckle, before resting back into my chair. Looking to my right, over the black armoured shoulder of the Evangelion, I could see the control room, and a few dark silhouettes within.

I could feel the weight of the Evangelion, at least, that's what I guessed it was, hanging from my body. I could sense the cage locks, pulling on my arms and legs, a distant ethereal sensation. Like smoke, the more I tried to grab at it with my mind, the faster it just slipped through the fingers of my awareness.

A torrent of information roared through my mind, a headache already building in the back of my skull beneath the overload.

Lurking beneath the flood, I could still sense that presence, curiously probing at myself.

A single, clear thought entered my mind.

'_Who are you?__'_

"Noriko." Akagi's voice interrupted again.

On the display to my right, a new window was open, framing the face of the blonde doctor.

Control; "How are you feeling?" she asked again

"Fine," I responded. "I have a slight headache."

Control; "Good, we just need to adjust your operator interface. We're using a generic one right now, so it's not perfect. Once we adapt the EVA to your own psych patterns, it should get a lot easier."

"I understand."

I didn't really, but I wasn't to concerned.

I was doing it, I was actually synchronising with the Evangelion.

On the five display panels around me, I could see her adjustments being made. I didn't understand most of what she was doing, I just took the time to appreciate the view from thirty stories up, even if it was just of a concrete cage wall.

Control; "We've completed the test Noriko, prepare for shutdown."

Huh?

How long had it been?

According to a small digital watch built into the cuff of my suit, it had been over an hour since the test had begun.

Strange.

"Roger."

The interface went dark as the plug jerked backwards. I felt momentarily dizzy as the nerve connections were severed abruptly, the weight of the EVA falling away like tender meat from a bone.. The plug jerked to a sudden stop and the LCL began to drain out beneath me.

The fluid dropped past my head, and I gasped for fresh air.

Immediately I felt sick, the LCL rising from my stomach. I tried to swallow it, but couldn't hold the fluid down. I threw it up across the cockpit, the blood tasting fluid splashing across my lap. I tried for another breath, before coughing and retching painfully, my body rejecting the vile fluid.

As the plug hatch slid back, I was still hacking up the last dregs of LCL.

Terrified of slipping from the armour, I crawled across the shoulder of Unit 03, my wet body still sliding. The last thing I wanted was to fall to my death ignominiously after one of my greatest fears had been proven to be unfounded. A sudden rapid rush of cold air before a final bone cracking thud, it would've been the perfect Gainax ending.

I'd never been so glad to set foot on cold steel floors as I was when I stepped off that armour.

Shortly afterwards, I was met by the good doctor, carrying her clipboard. By then, I was buzzing almost, excited that I'd actually synchronised with an EVA, and that I hadn't died in the process.

"How'd I do Doctor?" I beamed.

It had felt good. I couldn't have failed, or gotten a low result, it just didn't feel possible for that to happen. They way I'd felt in that entry plug, the sheer power of the sensations I'd experienced, it didn't seem possible that I could get a low score.

She checked her notes, will I practically danced impatiently, waiting for her to confirm what I knew.

"You recorded a peak stable synchronisation ratio of fifteen percent. It's not high enough to Pilot in combat."

"Oh…"

The wind dropped from my sails. Naively, I'd been expecting something near thirty or forty, secretly hoping for a ninety. Did that mean they were just going to dump me then?

"It's not necessary to have a high ratio at this stage, it will rise with training," she continued "The purpose of the test was just to activate the Evangelion, and in that respect, it was a success. Congratulations."

I grinned.

"Thank You!" I announced, restraining myself from just glomping her. Somehow, I didn't think she'd appreciate it, since I was still dripping wet with orange LCL.

"Your training program, as well as your clothes and NERV issue equipment have been left for you in your locker in the changing rooms. Any questions?"

I fingered a few sticky strands of black hair, slowly sticking to my scalp as the LCL dried to a sticky mass of blood smelling glue.

"Can I shower this off please?"

It might sound stupid, but at that moment, it was just about the only thing I could think of

"Of course. Captain Katsuragi will be waiting for you when you're finished. I'll see you Noriko tomorrow morning for the start of your training."

"Thanks Doctor." I said as I left for the locker room.

It would've helped if I'd known where the locker room was. I couldn't ask for directions, since I didn't speak the language, and most of the bilingual signs were about as helpful as a raincoat against Noah's flood. All the while, I stumbled bewildered through corridors, looking and smelling like a rat that had drowned at a slaughterhouse.

Eventually, I found it, another door grey door, unremarkable except for a small brass plate marked

FEMALE PILOTS AND PERSONNEL WITH C-GRADE ACCESS CLEARENCE ONLY.

Another white painted room, the smell of disinfectant inside so strong it made my eyes water. There were lockers for maybe ten people lined along two walls. Mine was open and waiting for me, a few sets of clothes lying inside waiting for me, but somehow, I didn't feel like changing just yet. It had taken so long to find, that the excitement of a successful test had begun to wane. To be honest, I wasn't even sure it was the detergent that was making my eyes water.

The isolated silence of the room just left me feeling strangely lonely.

I was quickly growing to hate those private moments. Without the excitement and mental diversion of a day's activity, the reality of my situation had a chance to catch up with me.

I was a pilot now.

I should have been excited, and lord knows I wanted to be, but I just couldn't.

Laying back on the wooden bench in the centre of the room, I looked up at the ceiling above me, at the clean pipework crossing the white tiles. I couldn't help but wonder what happened next.

My greatest fear had been that I'd be crushed by Bardiel, but that seemed unlikely now.

That meant I was probably here for the long haul, stuck here in the world of Neon Genesis Evangelion.

Hauling myself to my feet, I decided it would be best if I cleaned and dressed myself before anybody else arrived, or before my train of thought had gotten too far down that track.

In my locker, there were NERV issue towels, what looked like a swimsuit and T-shirt that made up my training gear, a spare plugsuit in its bag, a door length mirror and finally, the clothes I'd worn on my way here, neatly pressed and folded on a shelf. Also present, was a jacket of the same basic design as Misato's, but coloured yellow to match my plugsuit.

That false-leather jacket would quickly become my most prized possession.

But I had to wash the drying liquid off my body first, before the smell made me sick.

I was glad I was on my own when I stepped, now naked, into the shower area. Again, there were ten separate shower heads, with no curtains or partitions between them. A solitary shower spared my blushes, thought the paint stripper that passed for shampoo ensured that my skin was still a hot red all over.

And I could still smell that bloody LCL.

Afterwards though, I didn't look forward to sharing that room with anyone, especially since I'd forgotten to bring a towel with me.

Hence, the reason why I baulked seeing another person calmly undressing themselves in front of their locker, and why I nearly retreated back to relative privacy of the warm showers, when she turned her red eyes to my dripping wet, cold naked body.

Ayanami Rei was standing in front of me, as naked as I was, her plugsuit waiting on the wooden bench.

She quickly returned her attention to shuffling into her own white suit but I found something about the first child absolutely fascinating.

She was so different from a normal person, or from what I possibly could've expected.

I'd seen many blue cosplay wigs as well as a few excellent dye jobs, but this was neither. Like everything I suppose, the difference between the real Rei and a cosplayer was obvious. With dye, or with a wig, you could always see the roots but or the base of the wig. Rei's hair was a pure clean shimmering blue.

And yet, her skin was a perfect pale alabaster, looking almost like it had been painted by an animator. There were no spots, marks or scars anywhere on her tightly formed body, not even a single stray hair.

And then I forced myself again to stare at the floor, blushing pink.

If Rei, or anyone else for that matter, caught me staring, it could make things…difficult. Although I doubted they'd break out the torches and pitchforks, if I was ever discovered, I could be sure only a violent end would follow.

"Nagato Noriko," I eventually blurted an introduction into my feet, reaching deeply into the Japanese Misato had taught me. "Good Afternoon."

"Ayanami Rei," she answered not even looking up at me.

That was the sum total of my first conversation with the Pilot of Unit 00.

I thought if I focused myself, I'd be able to avoid staring at her. I would dry myself, dress myself and leave without ever looking over at the pale skinned girl behind me. It was a great testament to my powers of concentration that Rei had left before I'd even finished putting my underwear on.

If I'd been left to myself, I might've been able to dress myself in maybe ten minutes, as it was; fate in the form of another new arrival had different ideas.

"Hey fourth child," Asuka announced her presence in her own unique manner.

Shame sent me hiding behind my locker door, hiding my still half undressed body from view. A chill ran up my spine as she passed behind me, my pressed steel cover quickly rendered ineffective by her flanking manoeuvre.

"Hey." I muttered, more concerned with the troublesome plastic clasps behind my back. Getting everything to slot properly into place, then holding everything inside while I clasped both halves of the brassiere together was proving as difficult as usual..

"Well…"

She stood there, hands on her hips, staring at me as she was waiting for something.

"What?..."

Already, I was beginning to question the safety, and perhaps sanity of having Asuka as a friend.

"Your activation test Fourth Child," she said. "How did it go?"

Oh…

I shrunk down immediately, breaking eye contact. I didn't want to tell her the result. If she'd offered to be my friend, she had to have some small amount of respect for me, and the last thing I wanted to do was destroy that.

"Well, come on. I have my own synchronisation test to get to y'know."

"Fifteen percent," I finally answered.

I braced myself.

"Hah!" the German snorted. "The penguin could score more than that. You'll have to double that if you want to fight in combat."

She started to unbutton her school uniform, while I made sure to bury my eyes into my own locker.

"It was my first time," I tried to explain. "And I was afraid,"

To say 'I was afraid' was putting it mildly.

"It's only a machine, what's to be afraid of?"

"It's a forty story machine, with a history of running out of control." I deadpanned.

"Ack…whatever," she dismissed the subject with a bat of her hand. "And you're doing that wrong."

"What wrong?"

"What are you, stupid? Your bra of course, you're putting it on wrong."

Following my usual pattern, I squeaked and gave a soft pink blush.

"Watch me," Asuka directed, her tone leaving me no other options. "You're supposed to go under your arms like this, "she reached back behind her, almost as if she was giving herself a half nelson, and gently grabbed her own undergarment. "Not go over the top of your own head."

I wrestled with my conscience for a moment, before deciding it would be okay as long as I focused only on her hands, and nothing else. Asuka unclipped her own, then re-clipped it with practiced hands.

"See, easy, isn't it? Now you try."

At least I could take a small comfort from the fact that this wasn't the most embarrassing thing to happen to me all day. That, and the Second Child's advice actually worked, though she was halfway into her plugsuit by the time it did. As much practice as I was getting, it was still very much up to chance that I'd manage to get the cotton garment to stay in place long enough to hook it together.

"Thanks," I smiled.

"No problem," she dismissed it. "Though I'd have to wonder how you'd forget to do something as simple as putting a bra on, even if you had brain damage."

"I don't know," I answered before I could catch myself.

Asuka growled.

"So what _do_ you remember then?"

I thought about it for a moment, even though the answer was obvious to me already. I wondered if I shouldn't just make something up, just to smooth things over with the redhead before she got too frustrated with me. She had offered friendship, and the last thing I wanted to do was wreck any chance of that, or to end up having Asuka as an enemy.

Unfortunately, I couldn't even think of anything remotely believable beyond 'I hated my father'.

"Nothing, except the crash." I responded.

"So you don't remember your parents?" she pushed.

"No,"

To me though, that still felt like a lie

"Your school?"

"No."

"Your friends?"

Did Asuka count?

"No,"

"Even if you're still a virgin or not?"

Eep…

I crossed my legs at the mere thought of _that_, searching for somewhere to hide from the Second Child's interrogation, or even just a way to throw her off. It was also a mildly disturbing thought that maybe I mightn't be as pure as I hoped.

"No," I said again, "But…em… I think Doctor Akagi would be able to answer that, if you really wanted to know."

"What?" Asuka blinked. "How could she possibly know?"

Seeing the flash of confusion on her face emboldened me somewhat. That was probably the only reason I was able to answer that question the way I did

"She gave me my physical exam earlier," I shuddered. "She was very….thorough about it."

To illustrate the point, I wiggled my index finger menacingly.

I watched as the implications found a nice place to nestle in her mind, her expression slowly changing from mild confusion, to one of mild disgust quickly turning to all out nausea as the full impact of my words hit her.

"I know what you mean," The Second Child groaned. "With her cold fingers and the way she makes you lie on that table, it's like a torture chamber."

It was like great weight dropped from my shoulders as I tried to decide whether I was about to get sick, or just burst out laughing. There was nothing like a shared psychological trauma to break the ice.

"It was horrible," I managed to get out. "I think she did it on purpose, just to make me squirm."

"Welcome to Japan Fourth Child," Asuka grinned. "An entire country run by a bunch of sexually repressed perverts. Have you seen some of the stuff that's on television here, or what they sell over the shelves in comic book shops?"

It was at that very moment that she pressurized her plugsuit, the red plastic suit moulding perfectly to her figure before my eyes. And yes, I had very much seen some of the things they had on television in Japan, and I had very much enjoyed what they sold over the shelves, fansubbed and scanlated of course.

"That's not to mention what passes for a school uniform here, especially our gym wear. They call them bloomers, but I…"

Asuka's miniature rant was interrupted by hum of the door opening behind me, and another angry voice that sent chills down my spine.

"Speak of the devil," I muttered privately.

Whatever Doctor Akagi wanted now, it seemed to have something to do with Asuka.

"Hai, Hai," The Pilot of Unit 02 relented to the doctor's demand. "Duty calls." She said to me.

"Enjoy," I called after her.

"Of course I will." She said with a flourish. "Just remember what your Unit 03 felt like when you synchronised, then try and imagine what a _real_ Evangelion might be like."

"I will!"

The door closed, and again, I was left again on my own. This time though, I felt much better. While I still had no idea why Asuka would decide to offer me friendship, perhaps it was just the same way she'd offered to be good friends with Rei in Episode nine, or she'd just taken pity on me, I knew better than to look a gift horse in the mouth.

She could definitely be more helpful than Misato when it came to 'certain' areas where I lacked 'certain' skills, for want of a better way to put it. And it'd be better than being in a corner on my own for however long I was going to be stuck here

Slipping into my new yellow jacket, enjoying the sweet smell of the fresh vinyl for a moment, I looked at myself in the mirror. It was strange, but somehow, with the jacket, I could almost look like a younger version of Misato, except for having longer, darker hair.

As I finally left the changing room, my mood couldn't have been more different to when I'd first arrived at NERV headquarters, or even half an hour earlier after I'd finished my activation test.

Right then, I was optimistic, about the near future at least. In the short term, I was looking forward to starting my training, and perhaps trying to develop a friendship with Asuka. The long term wasn't worth worrying about yet. After how flustered Bardiel had gotten me, I didn't want Third Impact hanging over my head for the next few months, or however long away it was.

Five days into my life as Noriko, I was beginning to think that maybe I might be able to get myself settled into a comfortable position here.

**I…I**

June 2010: Cleared a few little things up…

Dartz IRL


	4. Settling in

New Perspective Evangelion

If I was doing this today, this would be the start of part 2.

I don't own Evangelion someone else does.  
A lot of stuff may be copyrighted  
I don't own it either  
It's just a harmless World Domination Plot in secret code anyway.

Arse...

**I...I**

"So Noriko-chan, how's it going?" The digitised Dr. Akagi asked.

She was speaking Japanese, though slowly for my benefit.

"I am...em...okay." I answered stutteringly, pausing while I figured out which honorific to use, what was it one of the lieutenants had called her?

"Em...Akagi-dono," I tried.

"Good." she responded after a few nerve racking moments. "Is training going well?"

It took a few moments for me to translate into my mind. Then another short second for me to work out my response, then to work out how to answer back.

"Yes," I said brightly. "But...em...difficult it be."

Although I was sure I sounded like a Japanese dubbed Yoda, I couldn't help but get some small sense of accomplishment from that small conversation.

"It is," Akagi switched to my native language, to my great relief. "We need to bring you up to the same level as the other Children in a short space of time."

"I know," I said. "Hard work though."

I glanced down at my plugsuited body, the yellow moulded suit nice and comfortable, if it a little tight around the waist. I was still though, feeling the effects of that morning's physical training, my legs feeling stiff and heavy, as if made of solid lead.

At least the LCL was soothingly warm, like a hot bath. All it needed was something for the smell and it'd be perfect.

"Someone once said Effort and Guts bear fruit." the Doctor said. "Prepare yourself, we're about to commence the activation sequence. Keep your mind open and remember your breathing exercises."

"Roger."

I closed my eyes, and listened as the countdown begun. My third time going through a full activation test and most of my fears had melted away.

Just breath in through the nose, hold, and slowly back out through the mouth.

I could feel Unit 03's presence slowly creeping into my own awareness, the borderline once again approaching. I grasped for the EVA with my mind, trying to allow it to enter.

I could feel it filtering through, gently overriding my own senses, an electric liquid sensation flowing over my body as the power levels rose.

Point 03 and I closed my eyes, a brilliant technicolor light show sparking across the inside of my eyelids.

Point 02 and gentle apprehension clenched my chest, that maybe this time might be when she went berserk.

Point 01 and I held my breath, but not before noting the location of the ejection handles.

Borderline and exhale as my mind was exposed to what felt like a naked vacuum of sensation, my awareness swallowed whole by this great empty void, my conscious feeling like it could fill every inch of the biomechanical titans body.

I gasped for breath, my body tensing for a moment before it released, the sudden rush of power quickly tailing away to a gentle, soothing flow of feeling.

Projected onto the inside of my own eyes for a moment, was the ghosted image of the cage wall, seemingly mere feet in front of me, almost like I could reach out with my own arm and touch it.

And then, I opened them and stared at it through my own digital displays, more distant now, but perfectly sharp and in focus. Green wire frame icons flashed to life, comm's windows and system's status displays announcing themselves with a stream of irritating electronic beeps.

And then, silence again, except for the distant whirr of circulation pumps and the creaking of warming metal.

Giving everything a quick glance, nothing stood out as being out of place, no flashing read lights or blaring alarms.

"Evangelion Unit 03 Active and stable," I reported in Japanese, though I was reading the words from my plugsuit sleeve.

Control; "Acknowledged Unit 03. Test procedure commencing seventeen hundred thirty three hours."

It wasn't Akagi's voice that answered, but one that was younger and, if such a thing was possible, sounded cuter.

Maya Ibuki, she had to be. Recognising faces wasn't always possible, simply because real people don't have large animé eyes and pointy hair.. I might've even passed the brunette in a corridor somewhere and not noticed, though, looking at the image of the young woman on the comm's window beside me, it wasn't too hard to see the resemblance.

Still, it only seemed to work after I'd recognised who they were.

"Akagi-Sempai," I heard her calling for the Doctor, before asking a question I couldn't understand, followed by an equally incomprehensible answer.

Technically, I mused privately, I am roughly the same age as her.

I smiled.

Control; "Noriko, concentrate on your left leg." The voice of Doctor Akagi directed, before I'd had the chance to get to far down that path. "Can you feel anything out of place?"

Back to the test then.

Focus on my leg.

What do I feel?

Heavy, what might be the armour hanging off the flesh. Stiff, from the two hours of PT I'd been put through earlier. Buzzing, almost like someone was playing my calf like a violin, a ghost of a taught bow being drawn across the back of my leg. It was a strange sensation, like anything related.

"It feels weird." I answered, searching for a better way to describe it. "It's like when..em.. it's like just before you get pins and needles. It's buzzing."

Control; "Standby."

A moments pause and the feeling shifted, attenuating itself into a dry scrabbed itching that demanded I try and scratch, though the Plugsuit itself made that a little difficult.

And then a cooling fluid numbness washing it away.

Control; "Any different?"

"It's gone." I answered.

Control; "Acknowledged. Continue test. Time remaining; Two hours, fifty-seven minutes and thirty seconds."

And then, I was left alone in the entry plug, the circulation pumps whining beneath my seat. A quick glance over my shoulder showed the synchro-graph, hovering at just above twenty, And then I closed my eyes and allowed my mind to drift away on the tide of nerve pulses.

It was comfortable in that entry plug, and peaceful.

I felt like I could quite happily have sat there the rest of my life, enjoying the warm embrace of the LCL.

A small digital watch moulded into my wrist on the other hand, told me I had two hours and forty-five minutes left.

But, all good things had to come to end, and the sync test was one of them. Feeling somewhat proud of myself for having broken twenty percent, albeit by the slimmest of margins, I was able to change out of my plugsuit in relative peace since nobody had decided to join me in the locker rooms.

Alone, I could think I was beginning to adjust to my biological circumstances. A redhead who'd taken pity on me certainly helped. I still wondered at her motives, but I was smart enough not to spit it back in her face.

It was her who'd advised me to use the 'Women Only' carriage on the subway. While I still felt like a Trekkie at a Star Wars convention when surrounded by others of the female persuasion, Asuka'd left me under no doubt that to do otherwise would be extremely dangerous to my sanity.

Walking the short distance from the train station up to the apartment felt as if I was climbing Everest. At best, I might've weighed between four and five stone, but a days hard training meant it felt more like fifty.

I was glad to reach the steel door to the Katsuragi apartment though. It may not have been home, but it was still a welcome sight.

"I'm home," I announced my arrival as I'd been taught, slipping small feet from white tennis shoes.

"Welcome home," Shinji answered.

"Oh hey Noriko," Asuka chimed in, distracted by a textbook.

The two Pilots were sat at the kitchen table, schoolbooks piled in what seemed a haphazard manner between them.

"What...em... what...being done?" I questioned in broken Japanese.

Where'd my phrasebook get to anyway?

"Homework," came a synchronised reply, weighted down by partial fractions and verb conjugations.

I smiled a deep self satisfied smile. No ability to speak Japanese meant no school for me and, glancing at Asuka's uniform, no need to wear a skirt.

"Well, it is good for some," Asuka huffed to herself, before turning and grinning. "Of course, some' have their procedure's manuals to study, as well as the locations of every armament building, power point and launch catapult, _and_ their Japanese language lessons." she finished in English.

I groaned and shuffled my feet, conceding as I realised that my Bavarian room-mate had won the point before I'd even realised it was up for grabs.

And the worst thing was, it was true. Forty-five armoury's, thirty-two power points and twenty-seven launch catapults, and I had to memorise the location of each and every one of them.

And I was hungry.

"Dinner...ready?" I questioned.

"Yes," Shinji answered, followed by some sentence featuring Misato's name as he gestured towards the microwave. It sounded like a warning, but I was too hungry to care.

What seemed to be pork ramen with some brown stuff slopped across the top of it sat waiting in a cardboard bucket. It looked about as appetising as something that had been picked up off the floor of a late night bus, but hunger was proving itself a better sauce than anything by Heinz.

A ding from the microwave announced that my evening repast had been fully reheated. Dismissing what sounded like another warning from the Pilot of Unit 01, I studied the overcooked pot of noodles for a moment.

It smelled like curry.

It smelled better than anything I'd ever had in a restaurant

Just sniffing the mixture of ginger, curry spices and onion made my eyes water and my nose tingle teasingly.

Hot and spicy, just the way I liked it.

"Misato cooked that," Asuka said a I broke my chopsticks. "It's classified by the UN as a chemical weapon."

"I like a bit of curry." I licked my lips, wafting steaming pot through the air, Asuka shrinking back from it like Superman from kryptonite as I passed her.

"Well, It's your digestive system."

"Curry, curry, curry." I grinned. "I love it."

Shinji coughed, redfaced as he buried himself in his arms, snickering privately to himself at some joke, to which myself and Asuka remained oblivious.

"Gomen Nasai," he tried to apologise between muffled laughs, hiding from Asuka behind a textbook.

The pair of us just looked at each other, wondering what was so funny.

"Baka," Sorhyu muttered, and left it at that.

An empty snarl from my stomach though, reminded me that I had more important things to do.

Dropping onto the couch behind me, I looked forward to savouring my meal, no matter how simple it might be. Although aware of the reputation of Misato's cooking, I was pretty certain it's assumed ability to strip paint was an exaggeration.

I wasn't aware I had an audience as I dug my chopsticks into the steaming brown heap, getting a purchase on...something. Tentatively, I brought a noodle wrapped chunk of meat to my mouth, inhaling it's burning scent.

And then, it's volcanic fury erupted on my palate.

Aside from the meat being overcooked to the point of being usable as a tyre for a light truck, it wasn't too bad. It hit the spot nicely anyway, being hot enough to clear my sinuses, and satisfyingly filling.

Asuka and Shinji both gave me a strange, funny look as if to say "How could you manage to eat that?"

I guess you just had to have a taste for it.

Or be starving hungry.

"I'm home," Another weary voice broke the peace.

I looked up from a Japanese grammar book to see Misato propping herself against the doorway, slipping out of her shoes.

"Welcome home," I answered.

"Good to be," she sighed, hanging her coat beside the door, fetching herself a fresh can of beer before dropping on the couch beside me, cracking the can, and knocking half of it back in one resolute gulp.

"Worth waiting for," she smacked her lips.

I eyed her jealously. The worst thing about being fourteen was being below the legal age. Then, I forced myself to look at the television, before Misato caught me looking.

Then, slowly, out of the corner of my eyes almost, I looked at her, then down at myself.

Misato wore a pair of cargo shorts and purple tank top, leaving little to the imagination. Looking at my own jeans and t-shirt combination, my figure comfortably hidden by loose fabric, I was beginning to wonder if I had to wear clothes like her.

Or Asuka for that matter.

The mere thought of wearing anything remotely revealing or feminine encouraged me to hide myself further beneath a jacket, or beneath the sheets of my own bed. But weirdly, of all the things I'd worn, I was most comfortable wearing a form fitting plugsuit.

Gruffly shifting my supporting underwear into a more comfortable position. Maybe because everything is held nice and steady.

I really was beginning to hate Misty May.

Looking at the future Major's ample breasts, I wanted to ask her how she dealt with them, desperate for any possible advice that could help me deal with myself. But, she'd probably just laugh at me, and there was no way I'd mention it to Asuka.

I just forced myself to watch the television, and what I guessed was a documentary about IJN capital ships of World War 2.

Shinji asked a polite question, answered quickly and somewhat scornfully by Asuka, as if the answer should've been obvious to everyone, while Pen-Pen waddled up, the penguin's master lifting him onto her lap, holding him close to her chest.

Then, she offered the almost empty can, the genetically engineered bird quarking cheerfully as he took the golden can between his beak, and knocked back the entirety of the remains.

I chuckled at the sight, the bird a perfect mirror for Misato.

"Kawaii," I smiled.

My guardian's answer though, I didn't understand.

What never ceased to amaze me, was how normal everyone was, Shinji especially. I'd been half expecting a ball of angst huddling in the corner, wilting like a delicate flower beneath the gentlest touch, but, as another argument between himself and Asuka boiled up, he stood his ground like any normal teenager. Sitting there that night, among those normal people, I was beginning to think that perhaps, I could be comfortable and content living with them. But, I was tired, and I had training the next day, so I went to bed.

**I...I**

Sunday morning was the end of my first full week living in the Katsuragi apartment.

It was also a day off from training for me, and the only day off from school for Asuka and Shinji. Quietly passing from my shared room, through the kitchen/living room, I yawned and stretched my stiff limbs.

"Good morning Noriko," Shinji greeted.

"Morning Shinji," I smiled back, scratching myself underarm.

He was cooking miso soup, I recognised the smell. As much as I was, technically, Japanese, nothing about a traditional Japanese breakfast really appealed to me. I'd tried some miso during the week and pretty much hated it.

Dig out some cereal or toast then, something filling anyway.

But, first things first.

One demand my female body made was to to be kept clean. It was also one demand I definitely enjoyed keeping. It may have been some weird psychosexual thing, the sort of thing that would give Freud headaches, or it may just have been some instinct hardwired into the female brain. Either way, it was good to be clean. I picked my favourite towel from the hot press, and sleepily, I slid the door open, to be met with a rather surprised German redhead, standing with one foot in the shower, the other on the tiled floor, a towel slung over the showerscreen.

I gulped, my mind taking a moment to catch up with the fact that she was naked. Not actually anything I hadn't seen before, but still.

"Hey, I'm in here!" she barked

"Sorry," I blurted out.

We stared at each other for a second.

"I'm in here first, Fourth, remember? Now close the door!"

"Right, sorry,"

Blushing privately, I slid it shut again, the lightweight door not even having a lock fitted.

Dropping down at the table, I waited for breakfast, while the shower began to hum away to itself. I'd just have to wait for her to finish. I was wearing nothing but a long t-shirt, sitting opposite Shinji as we both ate.

I could smell myself as I ate, a hot night's sweat on my nightwear. I was sure Shinji could too, the way he'd look up at me, then down at his own bowl, then back up at me.

"Noriko," he started, breaking eye contact for an instant, before forcing himself to look at me. "Why did...EVA. "

"Um...I don't understand," I repeated a stock phrase I'd been taught.

"Why do you pilot EVA?" Shinji simplified it.

The question hung there in my mind. I translated it and retranslated it to make sure I understood it. And then, I had to figure out an answer. Why did I agree to Pilot an Evangelion?

Because...And...

Fill in the blanks.

Okay.

I wanted to be a Pilot, I was sure of that. I was sure I wanted to be one. But still, when Misato first offered me the chance, why did I just jump up and say yes?

The simple answer was because I'd seen _Neon Genesis Evangelion _on television, and thought it would be cool to actually pilot a giant robot of my own. That was it, but I could hardly tell Shinji that, could I?

Compared to what I knew about the blue eyed boy, still waiting patiently for my answer, it sounded almost stupid.

And still, he waited.

Say something inoffensive, until I can come up with a better answer. Just don't say something stupid.

"I like EVA."

Shinji nodded.

"But...," he thought, while I telepathically asked him to drop it. "Why?"

I still didn't know how to answer that.

"Good morning guys," Misato answered for me.

Thank you.

"Morning," I smiled, Shinji parroting.

The fridge was opened, and, according to routine, the Captain picked herself a golden can, cracked it open, and downed it all in one great gulp.

"Good stuff!" she announced, followed by a burp.

And still, the shower hummed.

Why was Asuka taking so long?

Misato and Shinji discussed the day's agenda, while I stared at the shower door, waiting for the redhead to be finished.

Eventually, maybe three quarters of an hour after I'd first burst in on her, she appeared wearing her yellow sundress.

She was fully made up, not just cleaned, but polished to a shine. Her hair had a conditioned sheen to it, perfectly tied up beneath her two red clips, with no split ends, and perfectly symmetrical. Her dress was pressed and pleated, with not a single stain, spot, or stitch out of place that I could see. The amount of effort she'd put into her appearance was evident for all to see, and she wanted all to see it.

Asuka was awesome.

A quick, giddy thrill flashed through my thoughts as I wondered if I might be able to look like that sometime. Maybe with a bit of work of course, some make-up, some new clothes perhaps, but it would be possible.

Ew...No... not if I had a choice anyway.

At least, I hoped not if I had the choice.

Shinji, on the other hand, had used my moments indecision to his decisive advantage, and had bolted to the bathroom, the door slipping shut with bladder beating thud.

"So Asuka, when is Kaji coming?" Misato questioned.

"Two hours," The German girl announced.

Another question from our guardian, maybe asking where they were going, and I lost the conversation. I tried to pick bits out of it, but there wasn't much else I could get beyond that they were going somewhere together in two hours.

That was until she realised she'd forgotten something in the bathroom and went to get it.

Asuka gently pushed the door open, and for a moment, there was silence as whatever her eyes were seeing took it's time to enter her brain, where it stewed for a few heartbeats until she finally understood what she was seeing. And then.

Asuka screamed.

It was a scream of such utter disgusted intensity it sent Pen-Pen running scared to his fridge and started a harmonic rattle of fear in the balcony windows. It was so loud, I wasn't sure for a second if she was still going, or if she'd stopped and my ears were still ringing.

"Pervert!" the cry went up. "Masturbating because you'd seen me all dressed up."

Shinji's response was a muffled and rather stunned "What?"

Sohryu growled, then grinned as the battle was joined. I looked to Misato, wondering if I'd heard that right. Judging by the way she was snickering childishly into her beercan muttering about 'little Shin-chan' to herself, I'd gotten it right on the button.

"I saw your hand on it!" Asuka announced with all the zeal of a good prosecuting attorney.

"What, I don't, " The third child sputtered, searching for his mental balance. "You were looking at me in the bathroom?"

One point to Shinji as his assailant took a step back, Asuka baulking as she scanned for a comeback. I was just trying to fill in the blanks of my understanding as best I could.

I seemed to be getting most of it right.

"Why would I want to look at it, it's _tiny_ anyway..."

I winced for Shinji's sake, the Second Child's verbal missiles hitting the worst possible place. Then I snorted laughing, struggling to hold it in before joining Misato in her snickering game.

I heard a cough, followed by a searching stutter, Unit 01's Pilot desperately searching for an answer.

"Why would I want to masturbate over you, you're ugly anyway..."

A calm of such infinite depth followed, a heavy silence waiting for a storm that would rival the intensity of the bastard lovechild of the worst Pacific Typhoon and the wildest Atlantic Hurricane.

Asuka's response was little more than a trilingual shriek of redfaced fury that I couldn't hope to have been able to follow. I was much to busy keeping myself from spitting chewed toast as I laughed. Quickly, the battle between the two Pilot's reached a crescendo of fury, no quarter being asked or being given.

As the pressure in my bladder increased, I was forced to ask myself if Shinji would ever be leaving that bathroom, whether he'd try and run the Sohryu blockade, or just spend the rest of his life is his tiled prison.

I looked to Misato, who was wearing a foxish grin as she swirled her second beer.

"Normal," she said to me, before she downed the remnants of the can.

Clearly she was enjoying the battle. I groaned a little, instinct demanding I cross my legs to defeat the building pressure.

She ruffled her hair for a moment, looking to the battle, then stretching herself with a yawn.

"Asuka," she said, chewing air, her grin growing wider. "Why are you still looking at him?"

Silence, as the question hung heavily in the air. Slowly, Asuka began to turn a bright shade of pink.

"I wasn't!" she spat, before rattling off something in German that didn't sound too nice at all.

"Ladies shouldn't speak like that," Katsuragi remarked, before another crushing attack in Asuka's native tongue.

The target growled, tossed her hair and stormed back to the room she shared with me. Asuka slammed the door hard behind her, hard enough that it bounced back almost half way. It closed again with a thud and I heard her drop onto her bed inside with a defeated rustle of sheets.

"Shinji," Misato's attention shifted like a tracking gun turret, "Please wash your hands when you're finished."

"I wasn't!" the boy whined. "I don't do that, it's disgusting."

"_Sure _you don't."

There was a loud, submissive groan, followed quickly by the flush of a toilet and the running of a tap. Whether he had or hadn't been was moot now, and I think he knew it. The accusation was out there, there was no real way to fight in any more. He just slipped back into the former closet that was his bedroom and gently slid the door shut.

I didn't take any chances.

I made sure I was next into that bathroom, jumping over a desperately waddling penguin before skidding on a lonely sock and tumbling through the half open door, struggling to stay somewhat upright.

After quickly relieving the pressure, I stood under the hot falling water, thinking about the little scene I had just witnessed. It took all my willpower not to just break out laughing again, and inhale shampoo suds in the process.

There was something comforting about it though, but I didn't know what.

It felt natural somehow.

But my body still had tasks it demanded of me.

All EVA pilots were required to keep their bodies clean shaven, because of the plugsuit, so it wasn't that big of a deal. I kind of felt sorry for Shinji though.

That couldn't be comfortable for him.

Slipping a dry towel around my figure, I padded my way still dripping to my shared bedroom, where Asuka had her face buried in some clothes catalogue. There was a tense air in the room, and I felt as if I might be stepping onto to plate of a bear trap. I braced myself for the jaws to swing shut.

"She always sides with him," Sohryu snarled. "He's pathetic. All he has to do is whine and she runs to his side, pretending she can be his mother."

I hummed to show I was listening, more concerned with finding clean underwear.

"Of course, he's nothing but a disgusting little pervert, jerking himself off over the toilet when he thought nobody could catch him."

I wanted to come to Shinji's defence, somehow. I felt I had to stand up for my former gender. But still, Asuka was pissed, and it wasn't because she'd caught Shinji...in the act. At least, I didn't think it was.

But, she was supposed to be my friend.

Maybe I should take her side then?

"You told me, they're all like that," I ventured.

"Right. Every single one of them. A herd of H-game playing, skirt chasing Neanderthals who's prime ambition in life is to stick it into anything that has the remotest sense of a pulse and some things that don't."

Ouch. I felt a Quisling to my kind, either because of that, or my search for clean panties.

"Of course," she continued. "That's just the boys. Real men on the other hand, that's different..."

"Huh?"

"Not like that housebroken idiot. A real man who flirts with danger by day, and can be suave, smooth and sophisticated by night."

I grinned. I think I got what she meant.

"Like James Bond? "

"Yes, but not fictional," she said. "You haven't met Kaji yet, have you?"

I knew who Kaji was, what he did, what he will do, and how he died...em will die.

"No," I answered, struggling the hide my smile. "Who is he?"

"Oh he's _awesome_. He was supposed to be my guardian here, but I got stuck in this madhouse instead with an alcoholic, a mutant and a perverted idiot. But, he's still taking me out to Tokyo-2 to go shopping today. He promised before we came, and a real man keeps his promises."

"Uh-huh." I nodded, realising my underwear search would be fruitless. "Shinji done the washing yet?"

"Not likely," she snorted. "He's lazy too. He always waits until the basket is full, instead of doing things weekly like normal people. I always run out of clothes"

"Yeah," I sighed, "Not good when you have only six sets of underwear."

It was beginning to seem like like I'd be spending the day in my nightwear. Not that I'd really mind. The Lord did say that Sunday should be a day of rest after all, and I'd planned to make myself acquainted with Japanese television anyway. What was the difference between doing it nightwear, or normal wear?

My pyjama's would be warmer, that's what.

"Borrow some of mine then."

I baulked, wanting to refuse, especially seeing the pink items she'd just picked up out of her bedside drawer. She tossed them to me, the undergarments looping through the air. I reached up and plucked them from the air.

And then stopped.

I'd caught them in my left hand.

Weird.

I was normally right handed.

"What? They'll still fit, you are slightly smaller than me after all,"

And then I remembered what I was holding. I didn't shudder, I just grimaced slightly and accepted them with a polite "Thank You." There was no real use fighting it in any rate.

And what did she mean by smaller? I was at least a year older than her, if I'd remembered correctly. No way a Thirteen year old girl would have a figure like Asuka did, unless Second Impact had changed a few things. It wasn't like she was much bigger, only an inch or two at the most.

I was taller by about the same, only about an inch or so behind Misato.

Might just have been that I was a little underfed, since I'd been in a hospital.

Another thing to feel self conscious about anyway.

At least the pink things sort of fitted, and nobody would really have to see them, but still, one thing was uncomfortably obvious to me.

"I need to get some more clothes."

"Come to Tokyo-2 then," Asuka cut into my thoughts. "You can come with me as long as you don't get between me and Kaji."

I hated shopping trips, I really did. I hated being used as a combination carthorse/mobile bank by my girlfriend and her friends. Just ten more minutes would quickly drag into one hour, then two, sitting, waiting, watching as they fretted over colour patterns and whether a 'smaller size would fit better after the diet'.

Then would come the immortal 'Does my bum look big in this?'

She always demanded the truth from me, but when that truth became dangerous to my health I figured it was best for her to remain oblivious to certain facts. That didn't change the fact that I needed something to wear other than borrowed pink...things.

And that decided once and for all what I was to going to be doing for the rest of the day. There was something exciting about it too. What was Tokyo-2 like? Would it be like Tokyo-3, a planned city with wide streets and tall, antiseptically uniform buildings?

Or would it be more like the images of Old Tokyo I'd seen in a hundred films and animé, only without Godzilla or the Neo-Nerima-2 wrecking crew?

"I'll come Asuka," I said. "It sounds like fun."

"Great, we can get you into some proper clothes there as well, instead of those cheap style-less things you wear."

She was talking about the blue jeans I was slipping into. I knew what she meant by 'proper' clothes too, and it was enough to make me reconsider joining her on her day trip.

"I like these clothes." I said defensively. "They're comfortable."

"They're _so_ unflattering," the fashion expert argued. "You can't even see your figure."

I groaned. I didn't want anyone to see my figure.

"Comfort is more important I think."

"Yeah, but in weather like this, jeans are too heavy and clammy anyway. A nice skirt, or a pair shorts are much comfier, and they'll look better too."

It wasn't really that sort of comfort I had in mind, but there was no way I could really answer without giving away my secret. Besides, just because I paid for it, didn't mean I'd have to wear it.

Another victory for Asuka then.

"Perhaps," I deflected, before changing the subject. "Anyway, how did you beat the Sixth Angel again?"

"Oh that," she took the bait. "That was easy, despite the fact that I only had a minute's power left in the batteries at the start, and I had to take the Third Child into the plug for a ride,_ and_ he couldn't even think in German, so I had to do everything in Japanese."

The best way to get along with Asuka, and to avoid unpleasant subjects, was to simply encourage her to tell you more about herself. It allowed me to get myself dressed in relative peace. I didn't even have to pretend I was listening. It was fascinating to hear about the Angel battle, and try to match it to the events I'd seen on television.

I knew I'd be getting a rather one sided account of it, but I wasn't too bothered by that fact. A quick Q & A session about EVA combat was a satisfying way to pass a few hours, my German comrade growing steadily more restless as she waited for her date to arrive.

Then, sometime just before twelve the bell rang.

That was shortly followed by a redhaired flash bolting for the door, squealing "Kajiiiiiii!"

The door slid open and Asuka quickly wrapped herself around the man standing there, burying herself into his waiting arms. At least, I think that's what she thought she was doing. The blue shirted man looked up at the ceiling above him, as if to beseech aid from some invisible deity.

"It's so good of you to come Kaji!" Sorhyu beamed. "It's _so _nice to see you again,"

"Nice to see you too Asuka," he said, struggling to push the limpet-like teenager off him. "Is Katsuragi here?"

Asuka stepped back, pouting and looking almost betrayed, the knowledge that he had eyes for some other woman clearly not sitting too well with her.

"She's in the shower," Asuka said, her tone sour. "She'll be a long time, so can we just go now?"

"No Asuka," the unshaven man answered, followed by what I guessed was some way of saying that there was plenty of time.

There was a protest from the Second Child, something to do with 'Four hours'. Again, Kaji responded with a deadpan "Plenty of time," before he noticed me, standing in the bedroom door. I was hoping he wouldn't.

"You must be the Fourth Child," he said warmly, the unshaven man wearing a smile that just made me uncomfortable. Either that, or a jealous pair of glacier blue eyes glaring straight through me. "It's a pleasure to meet you miss."

I hated being called miss. I hated the way he seemed to tower over me. I hated the way he was looking at me, with sleep starved eyes that contrasted a warm smile. He seemed to be staring right through me somehow, at a point on the wall behind me.

"I speak poor Japanese," I responded quietly, praying he'd just smile and nod, and leave me alone.

"I speak good English," he answered warmly.

Well, that was just Brilliant, wasn't it?.

The one person I didn't want to talk to, was pretty much the one person I could.

Just another way for the world to screw with my head.

"That's nice," I said, not sounding too thrilled.

"The Fourth Child is coming with us Kaji, she needs to get some new clothes too, if that's okay with you of course," Sohryu came to my rescue.

Again, the older man rolled his eyes. It would be a long day for him. It was then that I remembered something important, something I would need if I were to actually pay for anything.

Money.

I didn't have any.

And where did Asuka get hers anyway?

**I...I**

Dartz


	5. Key to the door

New Perspective Evangelion

I don't own NGE someone else does.  
A lot of stuff might be mentioned that's copyright  
I don't own it either  
It's only for fun anyways

**I...I**

Tokyo-2 was everything I expected it to be, and more, the glittering nude glass cages of the new city towering up to one hundred stories and more above me. Even in daylight, it seemed as if the only light at street level was coming from the myriad of neon signs advertising as many different products and services as there were people crossing the streets.

There was a bustle about the place that the third Tokyo lacked, the streets of the second city being black with hurrying business people, shoppers, and nest of otaku who eyed me up, all rushing to get to wherever they needed to go.

There was an electrical, almost cyberpunk air to the place and I found myself expecting BMW mounted biker gangs rushing around the corner chasing the city winds, or scanning the duck-egg skies for Knight-Sabres darting overhead.

I nearly fell over backwards onto my ass.

"Don't get lost Noriko," Kaji called after me, himself and Asuka having gotten slightly ahead of me. "You don't know the city, you'd never be found."

To show how serious he was, he spoke in my own language.

"I'm okay!" I shouted back to him. "Just watching something is all."

What I was watching, was a giant screen showing Neo-Tokyo-2 being selected as the host city for the 2020 Olympics.

I think.

It certainly looked like that anyway.

The Olympics segued into an advertisement for a type of dog food, or for McDonalds, I honestly couldn't tell the difference. Beneath it, rolling across a building façade was GUINNESS, and a train of katakana that announced the black stuff's availability and robustness of character. It made me think of home for a moment.

"Pay Attention Noriko or go back to the car!"

Huh... Oh right...

"Sorry!"

I dashed up to join the two lovebirds. From the way she was clinging onto his arm, I was sure that was the picture Asuka had in her mind of their relationship.

"I'm so glad to be on this shopping trip with _you,_ Kaji,"she chirped sunnily.

He was asking himself why he'd ever agreed to do it. I could see it on the man's face; it was a look I'd worn many times myself. He was asking himself why he'd ever agreed to bring two teenage girls on a shopping trip. He was worrying what sort of critical hit his wallet would take. He was trying to remember his bank's phone number, so he could beg the manager for an overdraft.

"It's no problem Asuka," he said eventually.

I groaned and scratched my back, looked up at the looming government tower, with it's fifty story pendulum clock, then at Kaji.

I didn't answer, I just jogged up, keeping my distance from the pair.

Kaji scared me, and I had no idea why. He seemed polite to a tee, well mannered and generous, but some instinct forced me to keep my distance.

"This one Kaji," the Second Child tugged on his sleeve. "They have a sale on swimsuits in here."

Swimsuits?...joy.

"Alright Asuka," the man said. "Just be sensible."

I followed the two of them in, more curious about what I might find inside, than worried.

A department store, what else? My minds voice answered deadpan. They couldn't really be too different the world over, could they?

They all smelled the same, a mix of stale perfume and dry clothes. They were all slightly too warm to be comfortable. And they were all full with chattering hordes discussing fibre-counts and last night's Big Brother eviction.

As long as the Second Children didn't expect me to have to try on any swimwear, I could deal with this. I could get in there, then get out with what I wanted and maybe along with some stuff I didn't.

"Noriko!" Asuka called me. "Have a look at this! It really suits me, doesn't it?"

And so, it started. My intrepid companion was already sizing up a ladybug patterned dress against herself.

"Well?"

"Looks nice," I said.

Asking me for advice on fashion was like asking an Amish man for advice on computer upgrades.

"It sure does," she said, "And this one too, this one's green, it'll suit you perfectly."

She dropped the dress into my arms. It looked like something rejected from the Rozen Maiden production wardrobe.

"I'll try it,"

There was a nervous quiver in my voice as I said that. She was Asuka of Borg. Resistance was futile. The pattern was set for the day.

I followed my companion, generally picking whatever I needed, then having whatever the Second decided would suit me thrust into my arms when my own opinions were deemed too conservative or too tomboyish.

About the only thing the both of us could agree on was a nice satin pair of pyjamas I dug out. They may have been purple and femine, but they were so soft and comfortable I didn't care.

I settled into a routine, listening to Asuka gossip about various things, most of which I didn't really understand, or care about. But still, I could begin to enjoy her company, I could at least understand the whole 'shopping' thing now.

I had fun.

Somehow.

I guess it was something genetic. Perhaps the bar-stool scientists were right, the instinct to shop was a part of the female genome.

And, admittedly, I did look good in shorts, but not in much else. Thankfully, even Asuka had to admit, pink was not my colour.

One thing though, that sent chills down my spine, and it wasn't think pink lace underwear.

Okay, it wasn't _only_ the pink lace underwear.

It was Kaji.

He stared at me, or perhaps, right trough me, like I was a half visible shell-ghost of someone a long time dead. It didn't matter what tone of voice he used, what expression was worn on his face, that look from his eyes remained the same.

It was a hard look, like two imaginary laser beams were being shone from his eyes, cutting Goldfinger-like through to a persons soul, weighed down by the want of a good night's rest.

No, not from a lack of sleep, it was more than that. It seemed almost like his very character was fatigued and worn, like a new car's engine being run without oil.

Every instinct in my body screamed that he was a 'dirty person', for want of a better description, and that he had to be avoided at all costs.

And then, there was himself and Misato...

And Asuka.

What could she see in him?

Why was she so desperate for _his_ attention, and not anyone her own age?

"Kaji, look at this!" Asuka called out. "It's _perfect _or diving in Okinawa,"

Asuka was holding a lighthouse striped Bikini set, the red and white bands seeming to bulge the cups out more than they actually did.

I had a rather embarrassing mental picture of myself wearing it for a moment.

"Aren't you a little_ young,_"

"I'm _thirteen._" she announced, "And I have an adult body, so why shouldn't I wear _adult_ clothes?"

She leaned forward, revealing just enough of her 'adult' chest to dare Kaji to say otherwise.

It was shameful, I thought self consciously. I would never do that. But, I did have breasts too, should I be a bit more...adventurous?

"Fine," Kaji relented, with a slight roll of his eyes. "It's your money, do what you want."

I thought to myself that, through all Asuka's bluster, if one knew where to look, one could really see how vulnerable she was beneath.

I felt guilty because I was able to see it. It seemed elicit somehow, a psychological version of peeping through the keyhole of the girls locker room.

But, one question finally needed answering.

"Asuka, will this suit me, do you think?"

I'd chosen a comfortable looking yellow one-piece affair. It didn't look too racy, was almost wetsuit substantial, and reminded me of my plugsuit somewhat.

She eyed it for a second, like a butcher would eye an innocent lamb.

"Hmmmm, it's fine, if a little nineteen-eighties. Yellow _is_ a good colour for you though. But you'll never get a decent sun-tan wearing something like that. It's also pretty plain, but that's what you want right?"

"Yup," I nodded cheerfully.

I didn't want people staring at me.

"Of course, these are available on offer two for one," she dangled a yellow version of what she had in front of me.

I had to resist. I had to find some way to say 'no' to her. But then, I didn't want to offend her by refusing, and it was cheaper than buying two different ones.

That reminded me.

"How do we pay for all this anyway?"

"Use your I.D. Card," Kaji told me. "The company will handle anything reasonable."

Sohryu blinked owlishly for a second, perhaps not knowing herself.

"Well then," I smiled at her, suddenly seeing my way out. "Could I get both?"

"Get me a red one of what you've got then, that'd be good if the water was a little cold."

Kaji just rolled his eyes, perhaps wondering why he'd thought revealing the fact that the pair of us had a practically unlimited amount of money at our disposal had been a good idea.

I laughed. It felt good to get one over on him, even if, in reality, we probably really hadn't.

My companion had a devious, lustful look in her eyes, looking over to the expensive, exclusive designer section. Already, I was greedily deciding on a new laptop computer, a new Walkman and maybe whatever model Playstation happened to be available.

What? I'm a Sony fanboy, okay?

"Anything _reasonable_," repeated Kaji.

Oh, it was reasonable. To us anyway it was.

"Oh Kaji," Asuka chirruped with new glee, "Why don't we go for ice-cream when we're finished then,"

But that wouldn't be for some time. Not that I minded of course

**I...I**

I was on a train, sitting by a window, watching sunset orange countryside drifting past. It was a peaceful place, the distant diesel thrum of the locomotives engine tingling at the base of my spine, serving as a soothing mechanical lullaby.

I could've fallen asleep, if somebody hadn't sat down beside me.

"Good day," she intoned.

I looked at her, almost an exact doppelgänger for Rei. She had the same blood coloured eyes, that same pallid, vampiric skin. The only difference I could see was her long, full, pink tinted hair, that ran down below her shoulders.

And, the fact that she was wearing a yellow cardigan and grey industrial wool skirt, just like the school uniform Rei wore in the alternate episode 26.

I just nodded a response.

I had this awful feeling. I knew exactly _what_ she was, if not who she was.

"Angel?" I questioned

I was answered only with knowing smile.

"You know who I am, but do you know who you are yourself?" the Angel asked.

"I..." I thought for a second, not quite sure what she meant. "I am.."

"Before you answer, look at the reflection in the window,"

Her smile mutated into some horrible grin, that lacked any sort of human emotional backing. The sort of cooling grin that you'd imagine Charles Whitman was wearing as he reloaded.

It compelled me to act.

Looking back at me, reflected, was the face of a brown eyed fourteen year old girl, her straight dark hair rolling down the side of my head, then splashing off her shoulders

"See, your own self image is not what you expected, was it?."

"No..." I gulped, touching my soft cheek, just to be certain.

"Is it not common belief among humans, that if a heart were to be transplanted, some of the memories of the donor would be received along with it? It is the seat of all human feeling, yes?"

"I suppose,"

I knew where this is going. Like standing at the front of a runaway train, watching the 'Bridge Out' signs rapidly approaching. It was that same feeling of impending, gut wrenching doom.

"From your perspective, you have received a _life_ transplant, that is how you would best understand it. Do you?"

"I guess so."

I had been given Noriko's life, right?

"It is within my power to restore your life, to return what was taken from you. You could be yourself again. In exchange, I would only ask you to do one favour, and I will grant you this wish."

My heart leapt. I could go home!

I could wake up sleeping in my own bed. A deal with the devil would see me home and dry. Of course, I was under no naïve illusion that that is exactly what this would be.

The Angel seemed to sense what I was thinking.

"You want proof of my 'ability', yes? Then just take my hand, and I'll show you some of what I can do for you."

Her tongue lapped against her lips, like the serpent offering Eve the apple.

This was wrong... this was stupid...this was my only way home.

I slowly swallowed any fear, telling myself I was taking my first steps home, then cautiously gripped her hand.

Immediately, my consciousness was assaulted by a penetrating shotgun blast of thought and imagery. I tried to snatch my hand back from this female John Coffey, but she already had me in her grasp.

The next thing I was aware of was the smell of oiled pine floor.

_It was night, and I was standing on the balcony at home, looking at the lights of the new city built around the bay. Only a pair of red navigation lights atop a rotting pair of old power station chimneys far out to sea testified towards the existence of an entire city beneath the waves._

_An entire world down there, frozen at midday on September 15th 2001, when the rising seas finally overwhelmed Dublin City. I thought it was kind of cool, very Nadia-ish._

_I think I was __ten at the time__._

_My thoughts were interrupted by a sudden scream, followed by a hollow thud as something hit the floor._

_My father was shouting, he was roaring at something, or someone downstair. He was roaring in Japanese, which I thought strange. He would always insist on speaking the 'native tongue', to better assimilate into the culture._

_Curiously, quietly, I slipped downstairs to see what was going on, my stockinged feet sliding on the mirror polished pine staircase._

"_What do you expect me to do?" I heard. "I mean, how long did you two...?"_

_I heard a mumbled, sobbed response, before my father cut it off._

"_Ten__ Years__ ago__, that's before she was born. She mightn't even be my daughter!"_

_Where they talking about me?_

_Next, I could hear my mother's voice, stuttering and gasped as she tried to control herself._

"_She is your child. Look at her eyes...her hair... you know she's yours,"_

"_And not that American fucker's?"_

_It was rare for my father to swear. He considered it vulgar and disgusting, beneath a true gentleman._

"_No," My mother said in a whining, almost pleading voice._

_Silence, like a bad soap opera._

"_I need to calm down." My father said, his voice taking a hard, controlled formal tone, like that time I spilled coffee on his blueprints. "For striking you then, I apologise. It was unacceptable. I shall return in three hours, if not before then."_

_Reaching the bottom of the staircase, I watched my father slip past, his footsteps as heavy and as grave as the look on his face. I think, I saw a tear dripping down his cheek, before he solemnly put on his grey work-suit jacket. He creaked the hall door open, being deliberately quiet in his actions, before drawing it shut with barely a brass '_tick'.

_I was curious still, and now a little confused. It was eerie. I was left with a sudden feeling in the pit of my stomach that I may have been the cause of everything. _

_My mother was sitting, slumped over the kitchen table, crying softly to herself as she nursed a red lump on her forehead. Some of the white melamine cabinets where tossed open, and the floor was littered with the mortal remains of several broken plates._

"_What happened?" I questioned quietly._

_She coughed and sobbed, before looking at me through tear reddened eyes. She coughed once more, then hiccuped, before speaking slowly, between sobs. She struggled to smile at me._

"_It's okay honey," she said. "It's just," she sniffed, "It's just...I did something terrible to your father... I'm sorry... things will be okay,"_

I wanted to say something more, but I felt myself suddenly being torn away from the scene, my mothers tear stained face receding into harsh, bright light as the scene was crushed beneath the hammerforce weight of my true identity crashing through the wall.

I blinked, swallowed a quick, panicked gasp of dry air, my mind cartwheeling as it tried to understand who and what it really was.

I wasn't the five year old girl who's parents had been fighting, I was the twenty year old man who was just living her life...for a bit. I was...I was...myself.

I think.

A lump caught in my throat, and I couldn't speak. It was then, I heard a sickly familiar voice.

"Tabris!" it spat. It could almost have passed for hatred.

I blinked, and looked up into another set of blood red eyes, another one of those inhumanely detached Revy grins. Kawaoru Nagisa, was holding my hand, and the Angel's, apart.

She was hissing at him like a cornered cat.

"This wasn't in the agreed terms, Sister," Kawaoru said in that sickly warm voice of his. "No interference, beyond the natural course of events, remember."

And still, he grinned that repulsive grin of his.

I still couldn't speak. I wanted to scream at them, to barge past the angelic duo and make a bid for freedom...to get away from these two monsters playing God with my life.

I knew it was my life they were discussing.

I wasn't angry.

I was terrified. They might have more planned for me.

God fucking Christ what was going on?

I couldn't speak, I couldn't move, I couldn't wake up from this God forsaken nightmare and just be myself again.

The female Angel turned to face me one final time, still grinning her psychopathic grin, her eyes mutating into blood red pits of despair. She said one last thing to me, one sentence that burned itself into my memory.

"If that is so, then I will look forward to meeting you in person soon enough, Lilith's Child."

Nagisa nodded, and released my hand.

Instantly I screamed my freedom from the nightmare, jumping up in my bed, swallowing great gulps of hot, sweaty night air. It was dark, I couldn't see where I was.

I hoped I was home.

I hoped it was my own room.

I dared hope it was my own life.

"Mama," Asuka murmured to herself beside me, he sheets shuffling as she rolled over once more.

In that instant, I hated her for dragging me back to what passed for reality.

But, I would gladly live the rest of my life as this girl, if I could never have another nightmare like that.

I hoped it was just a nightmare.

The new pyjamas were comfortable.

**I...I**

Thursday

The agonizer test the day before had more than lived up to its name. Despite being given the day off to recuperate, I still felt like I'd had a fight with a truck, and lost spectacularly.

The agonizer, officially known as The External Stimulus Control Endurance Test, was designed to test a Pilot's ability keep their concentration under ' extreme mental feedback stress.' Basically, I had to sit in an entry plug and play a simple videogame, guiding a spaceship through a tunnel, while being put through devious tortures that would've horrified the Inquisition.

I was drowned, shot, shot again, burned, crushed, had my arm/leg/back/neck wrenched apart repeatedly, boiled, dissolved in acid, had every bone in my body smashed and brought to the edge of death and back again. They stopped my heart for three minutes at one stage.

Barely able to stand afterwards, I had to be lifted from the simulator onto a trolley, where the evil Akagi'd only said "You've passed, Good Job. Take tomorrow off."

I wanted to tell her the colourful places where she could stuff her day off, but instead, I just puked up a disgusting chummy mixture of LCL and curry onto her pristine white labcoat when I tried to speak.

Then puked again when I smelled it.

I considered it ample repayment.

Misato was nicer. Waiting for me back at the apartment was the tantalising prospect of a litre tub of chocolate icecream gathering frost in the fridge.

"Alcohol and icecream heal all wounds," She'd advised sagely.

And when I returned, I decided I would have to try it.

I still wasn't sure what impulse had possessed me to do it, I had been given a day off to recuperate and _rest_, but I'd found myself gripped by some strange compulsion to keep up my training.

Perhaps, it was my minds way of keeping itself occupied, so it wouldn't have to dwell on dreams of Angels and demons, or perhaps it was a fragment of Noriko herself that demanded her body be kept in good condition while I borrowed it.

Either way, I marvelled at my new-found fitness. In only two weeks, my strength had built considerably.

I'd already run three miles that morning, and barely felt the stress any more. My old self would have been wheezing and out of breath by the end of the first block.

It was rock splittingly hot though.

The surface sun was relentless, it was something the Geofront tended to be sheltered from, and the humidity sucked the sweat out of my body, leaving my clothes soaking wet. I'd already taken my t-shirt off and tied tied it round my waist, leaving only a yellow training togs to cover my modesty.

I wasn't too bothered.

At ten in the morning, the Eva-width streets of Tokyo-3 were a concrete ghost town, the brutalist grey buildings of the fortress city.

Except only, for the green shrubbery of Tokyo-3 Municipal Park West, which ran parallel to the path. A crystal blue lake sat in the middle, above a six inch thick pane of glass, acting is a liquid window to the geofront below.

I thought it looked cool... literally.

But swimming in a foot deep pond would be difficult, unfortunately.

Wide streets and a midday sun meant no shadows, just a slow solar roast, and the start of a gentle sunburn tingle on my face.

There had to be a cream for it.

A yellow DHL van rumbled past, stopping at traffic lights for a moment, before turning off down a sidestreet, a road I knew led to the Katsuragi apartment, and a goods yard.

Maybe, it was the stuff myself and Asuka had ordered?

I was finally going to get that laptop!

I watched it hawkishly for a second, waiting for it to make one last turn. When it did, I fell flat on my face.

Rough, dirty concrete bit and tugged at my arms as I landed in a heap on the footpath. Half groaning, half grimacing, and a little annoyed, I wondered just what could have knocked the legs out from under me.

"Uh...Gomen Nasai," A voice stuttered.

Uh.. language... name... Shinji?

I was still trying to work out which way up I was, never mind who was talking, or what they were saying to me. I scratched around for a second, then rolled over onto my back, looking up at the blue sky, framed by armaments building 24(Pallet Rifle x3) and an empty office building.

"Are you okay?"

A face eclipsed the sun, envy-green eyes blinking curiously at me from behind bottle-bottom lenses.

"Aida Kensuke?" I mumbled.

It looked like him.

I don't know what he said next, but, judging by the hand offered to me, he wanted to help me up. He had greasy, sweaty, gamers hands from holding onto a plastic controller for a few hours too long.

There was something that felt...dirty about it, and I wiped my own hand clean on my shorts as soon as I was on my feet.

There was a moment of silence, while I tried to work out what I was supposed to do, or what had happened.

Kensuke Aida was standing there, liberally drizzled with green leaves, some knotted into his hair messily like some urban survivalist in a school uniform.

A camera was on the ground at his feet.

His face blanched to match his shirt.

"Uh..."

His mouth opened and closed like that of a fish stranded on a beach, as he searched for something he could say.

"Um...Thank You," I said.

It was only then that I remembered Asuka's advice from a week or so earlier. Don't talk to them, she'd said. Let them know who's boss if you do, she'd told me.

Yeah, and I couldn't even speak or work out what to say.

Kensuke could've almost been in the the same state, looking over his shoulder like he was expecting the cavalry to come rushing to his rescue, galloping across the park to drag him from this socially awkward situation.

The two of us stood there looking at each other like a pair of lost orphans, both of us waiting for something to happen, for someone to come along and break the deadlock.

He gulped, swallowed his fear, then slowly bent down picked up his camera. He picked it up in a slow, deliberate way, trying not to draw attention to it, yet doing exactly that.

I watched his gaze work it's way up my leg, past my midriff, then stopping somewhere before my neck.

Ugh...

Serves me right for wearing my t-shirt around my waist.

"What...happened?" I finally questioned.

His eyes locked with mine.

Then he smirked.

"Picture?" Aida brought the camera to his face.

Huh?

"Em...sure."

I couldn't say no. It wouldn't have been polite. Japan was all about being polite and helpful.

"Say cheese!" said Kensuke, focusing in on me.

"Cheese!" I grinned as best I could.

The rapid fire shutter clicks made it feel like I was stuck in an open air magazine shoot, the fair haired army fanboy taking little time to snap a picture, then refocus, and snap again.

"Thank you Noriko-chan!" he chirruped gleefully, wearing a self satisfied grin of the kind you'd probably wear after you'd stolen the British Crown Jewels from off the queens head without her even noticing.

As he ran off, a dark Fila tracksuited figure popped up like a prairie dog from the hedge to ask a question.

Aida answered with an exuberant "Yatta!", before the pair returned to their foliage foxhole.

I was left standing there, with the distinct impression that the wool had been well and truly pulled over my eyes.

Bollocks.

**I...I**

By the time I'd reached the apartment, I'd resolved never to tell Asuka about my encounter. It wasn't out of loyalty to my former gender either.

I'd been betrayed by them.

I'd stood up for them.

And then they'd gone and proven everything Asuka had told me about them had been correct.

That, and I just didn't want to hear Asuka say 'I told you so.'

What they had been doing in the hedge had become painfully obvious to me. What they were going to do with the pictures afterwards was also.

I resolved to wash my hands before I had anything to eat.

I caught a glimpse of the blurred reflection of my 'physique' in the polished steel of the apartment door before it opened.

Just when I'd thought I was beginning to get a foothold in my new life, it had been kindly demonstrated to me that I still had a long way to go.

I sighed a tired sigh, scratched my leg, then slipped out of my running shoes.

"I'm home,"

"Welcome home," Shinji's voice answered.

He was wearing a housewive's green apron, standing over a pot of boiling stock, merrily chopping carrots into it.

"Oh, hey Noriko, there was a delivery for you, it's on the table."

I took a moment to translate that, my flatmate returning to his cooking by the time I did.

The stuff I'd ordered, it had to be!

A single square brown cardboard box was sitting on the kitchen table, tantalising taped shut, with and address label stuck to it.

But there was only one...

I'd ordered more stuff than that.

Unless they'd just put it all in the one box to save on shipping.

"Sweet!" I lept forward, forgetting all about Aida and his stolen photography session. The promise of clean, factory fresh electronics lured me forward.

But then, I paused.

There was an envelope taped to the box, addressed to me.

Curious, and wondering why they'd send me a letter, I tore it free. Maybe the reason there was only one box was because NERV had decided there were some things they weren't going to pay for.

Tentatively, I opened it, expecting the traditional, condescending 'Sorry but your order could not be fully processed due to insufficient funds' line that told you exactly how much contempt the company now had for you.

What was inside, was a crisp, printed letter, with the eye-like logo of Oceanic Airlines stamped in the corner.

For a moment, it was utterly disappointing. It wasn't what I'd ordered, it was just some pointless letter from..the...airline.

My thoughts trailed off as I finally realised what I was holding.

A letter from the company that had operated flight 214.

I read it.

_Ms Nagato,_

_Please allow me to first extend my heartfelt sympathies to you for your loss. The crash of flight 214 was a great tragedy. I was gladdened to be told of your recent recovery, a small ray of light from an otherwise dark event._

_At this time, the cause of the accident had yet to be fully determined and an official report from the Japanese ARAIC remains several months away at best. A copy will be made available to you at that time. Any legal issues will also be settled once the report has been completed._

_During the wreckage recovery operation, some personal belongings of yours and your father's were found. It is the policy of this airline to return these effects to their rightful owners, once they have been cleared by the proper authorities. It is my sincere hope that these items can be of some comfort to you in your time of grief._

_Regards._

_Micheal Spinnaker_

_CEO Oceanic Airlines International_

I held it it in my hand for a moment, not quite sure what I was supposed to do or think about it. It just left me cold somehow.

"Uh...Is it bad news?" A voice snapped me out of it, unsure if it should even be intruding. The chopping behind me had stopped.

"No," I said.

That was all I wanted to say.

"Sorry."

The chopping resumed, each slice of the knife timing out my heartbeat. I set the letter down on the table. The box just sat there, the little dark handholds like eyes staring at me.

I wasn't sure if I had the right to even touch it.

Inside that box were the close personal items of another person, two even, people who were now dead.

I sat down, and stared back at it.

It was...unsettling to be _that_ close to Noriko, as she had been. I found my thoughts slowly drifting back towards that nightmare a few nights earlier.

What was it? A life transplant?

I didn't understand it, I didn't want to think about it. I didn't even know if it had been something real, an invasion of my dreams to tell me something important, or just a figment conjured by too much cheesy chips and curry sauce.

And still, it sat there, staring at me, a cardboard Pandora's box daring me to just lean forward and open it.

I couldn't just ignore it either, and hide it somewhere. The secrets inside it would be freed eventually, either by myself, or by accident.

Shinji was washing the rice. Pen-Pen waddled out to the bathroom, green eyes glancing up curiously at me for a second, before he continued on his way.

Screw it.

Opening it wouldn't kill me.

I lunged forward and ripped the tape off, taking lump of the lid with me. It flopped open limply revealing nothing but a sea of packing foam.

Already, it felt like I was nothing but a grave robber, violating the sacred ground of the dead. But it was too late to turn back. Pandora's box had been opened, and the tape would no longer stick it closed again.

The first thing I found was cold and metallic, a Tag Heuer watch with a cracked and scorched face. The strap was much to big for my arm. It must've been Noriko's fathers.

With a strange reverence, I placed it on the table. I didn't know exactly why, but I knew it deserved careful treatment.

I reached in again, and grabbed something large and fluffy, a tan fur teddy bear with brown beads for eyes, and a red jacket with 'baseball' printed on it. It was good to see it. It seemed so loveable and warm, I wanted to cuddle it soothingly against myself, to let all my potential sorrows and worries be drawn away by the stuffed animal.

The third object, was metallic and heavy, but not a watch. It was a small, stainless steel bracelet. It must've once been polished to a high shine, but now, it was blued and browned in places by intense heat and flame.

It also had my name engraved on a little tag welded to it.

It was the most precious thing, worth more to me than it's weight in gold. I didn't know why or what it even was, just that it was the most special thing in the world to me.

And that it belonged on my left wrist.

It felt absolutely right to have it there.

Quickly, I wrapped it around and snapped the clasp shut, before flicking my wrist to to hear it click merrily. I smiled at it.

Finally, I found a pair of water damaged passports inside a plastic bag. They reeked so much of jet-fuel when I opened it, the smell nearly made me sick. Inside the first, was a picture of myself, smiling brightly back at me.

Well, it wasn't myself, it was her. Not me.

The second, had belonged to my father. I could see the pride and dignity in the man staring back at me. I could feel him, like I could reach out and touch him if I tried.

I could...

I could...

I sniffed, feeling hot tears well up in my eyes. No, this wasn't right , this wasn't right at all. I could _remember_ him. A fleeting glimpse only of the man he was, of him slipping past me once, before he left through a door.

I remembered his heavy, powerful arm was holding me, soothing me as the plane went down. I could feel it still, a ghost across my back, cold now with absence.

And then, that was it.

It was gone.

I was back in the Katsuragi kitchen, swallowing a lump in my throat. I blinked and ssqueaked, forcing back a whimper. I could feel somebody watching me, a pair of curious eyes running like insects up my back.

The cooking sounds had stopped, save for a simmering hiss of the pot.

Great, now I had an audience.

Quickly, and self consciously, I dumped both passports back into their bags, and put them out of sight.

Out of sight, out of mind they said.

"Are you okay?" Shinji asked.

How long had it taken him to pluck up the courage to speak? I wondered.

"Yes," I said, my tone of voice betraying the strained truth. "Just...stuff."

That was the best I could articulate myself. There was no other way I could say it, not in Japanese anyway.

I closed my eyes for a second and rubbed them dry. I took a few deep breaths, then sighed as I leant back on the wooden chair.

The cooking started again. The box still stared at me, gloatingly as if it had won. I didn't dare see what else was in there

Quietly, I slipped everything back into the box, then covered them with a few nuggets of packing foam. I closed the lid, and forced down when it sprung back a little.

I left it there for a bit, while I washed and changed. The more I thought about it, the more I could remember what had been said to me.

It made sense then, that I would have some of Noriko's memory's somewhere, after all, I hadn't just had a heart transplant, it had practically been a whole body transplant, right down to the smallest neurons.

I'd read somewhere once, that memory's could be encoded into a persons RNA. All that would be needed to unlock that chemical cipher, would be the right key.

What I'd left in that box, was going to be put away for good.

Misato was right though, chocolate ice-cream did make me feel better.

**I...I**

Friday Morning

Asuka was awake before me, which I found strange. By the time I'd groggily slogged my way out the bedroom door, she was already sitting at the breakfast table, with the phone against her ear, and a pair of plastic suitcases on the ground beside her.

She was speaking in German to it.

A phone call to home perhaps?

Whatever she was saying, she sounded like someone who'd taken more Prozac than could probably be considered healthy. For some reason, her voice seemed to be bubbling with saccharine excitement.

"Guten Nacht Mama," she chirped, the black box phone bleeping as she disconnected the call.

"Guten Morgen Noriko, Das is...," she trailed off for a moment, "Good morning Noriko," she announced with an affirmative tone.

"Morning Asuka," I chuckled lightly.

I wasn't the only one having language troubles

"What's got you up so early anyway?" I questioned,

"The school trip to Okinawa," she answered, "Of course, you have to be attending school to go,"

I just didn't have the heart to tell her.

**I...I**

John Locke being CEO was a little rich… however in my defence…at the time, I hadn't learned subtlety. I changed the name, but not the airline… Oceanic is a pretty common 'generic disaster airline' name, and predates Lost by quite a bit. Executive decision I think, is the first movie with it.

-Dartz


	6. There's always a first time

New Perspective Evangelion.

_There's always a first time... _

I don't own NGE, someone else does.  
A lot of stuff might be mentioned that's copyright  
I don't own it either  
It's just a bit of fun anyways

**I...I**

Saturday morning and I felt sick.

The caterpillars had pupated overnight, and emerged as a flock of ravenous, biting butterflies, each one fluttering in my stomach, gnawing away at the lining of my belly. I winced as each one nipped deeper. It wasn't nerves, as least I don't think it was. It was more like a bad morning hangover, but without the benefit of the night before. Lurching to the bathroom with my hand on my belly, the fact that today would most likely be my first Angel was the furthest thing from my mind.

Damn Misato's cooking.

Damn whatever drugs Ritsuko had pumped my body with.

"Morning Noriko," Shinji greeted sunnily while I slouched towards the bathroom.

"Yeah," I mumbled sourly. "Morning"

The smell of cooking breakfast turned my stomach, the butterflies making a bid for freedom up the back of my gullet. I swallowed them back each time, but still they came. Just let me reach the toilet in time. Please, don't be locked. Please Misato, stay away. I can't wait half an hour!

Well I can, but she's paying the cleaning bill.

I'd never been so glad to reach those cold white tiles as I was right then. Why was it, I wondered, that you'd only ever get sick on your time off, or on the one day you just didn't want to be stuck in bed? Ugh, why did I have to feel like this the day of my first Angel?

The answer was given by a piece of tissue. I stared at it the way Long John stared at the black spot. It had that same air of terminal finality about it, that same lingering fear of impending suffering. It stared back defiantly at me, somehow rock steady in my leaf-quivering hand.

"Oh hell," I grimaced.

There was only one person who could help with this problem.

"Misato!" I screeched at the top of my lungs.

God knows the last thing I wanted was for _anyone_ to find out about my little problem, but I knew only Misato could solve it. Outside, there came a patter of rapidly approaching bare feet on polished wood, the door bursting open.

Misato stood there, with a groggy, but concerned look on her face. I wasn't sure how to explain it to her, it was too embarrassing, too disgusting for me to do anything but show the offending tissue to my guardian. A confused look passed over her, and she looked at me like a curious puppy for a moment. Please don't make me explain, I begged mentally. I whimpered, and looked pleadingly up at her, praying that she would understand.

"What's wrong?," the woman asked gruffly, still half asleep and irritated at being summoned, destroying my hopes utterly.

Okay, I just had to tell her. I just had to say it to her. It was a simple word, a dirty word. How could I say it to her without using_that_ word? How could I use a euphemism with my knowledge of Japanese.

"It is my..." I gulped, a butterfly biting deep, derailing my sentence train. "It is my..."

A sudden wave of compassionate understanding washed over her features.

"Oh, it's your first," she beamed, drawing me into deep into a hot, sweaty bearhug. "We'll have to have a party tonight, just ourselves, in our pyjama's with ice cream, pizza, some drinks and some films."

"Please no," I pleaded, but my words were smothered by a c-cup. "No Ya-ya's"

Anything but the Ya-ya's.

"Ritsuko might want to come. I'll have to tell her anyway, since this might affect your piloting, so it'd only be polite to invite her. And I can't have a party without my drinking buddy can I?"

Finally, she allowed me a breath of cool fresh air

"No!" I barked.

"Of course not," My guardian smirked.

"No! No party!"

I glared her down, her face dropping.

"And why not?"

I shrunk back, another cramp taking hold.

"I em...em... I want private. I want keep private."

A painful pause. I hadn't offended her, had I?

"I understand," she sighed, disappointment flashing across her features for a moment. "But you're first time only comes once, you know." Misato smiled.

She still wanted that party, and I got the feeling that somehow, nothing I said or did could stop her. I groaned, promising myself an early night whatever happened.

"Anyway, I guess it's up to me to show you how to keep clean then. Normally your mother would, but she's not here..."

I watched with increasing worry as she busied herself in the medicine cabinet, rooting in a pastel pink box for something. Whatever it was, it came in a small sugar packet wrap. Oh no...

"Just relax Noriko, and watch closely, you'll have to do this yourself from now on."

She smirked evilly, a demented, psychopathic grin, the sadistic kind that could only come from the obscene pleasure taken in the suffering of another.

Eep.

I was reminded of a scene from the Alien films, where the alien queen had Ripley trapped, and it's chitinous ovipostor slowly raised itself upward...

It was at that moment, that I screamed. It was a piercing scream of utter violated terror that clung desperately to the drywall and doors in it's attempt to escape it's bathroom prison. Misato just laughed her ass off, offering no words of support, comfort or apology, before leaving me seated on the cold toilet lid quivering, with hot shame and embarrassment racing through my body. Slowly, I cleaned myself as best as I could, before slipping back to the safety of my bedroom. I still felt dirty somehow. Shinji stared at me, before glancing at a smirking Misato, then back at myself.

"What happened?" he questioned innocently.

"Kimochi warui." I answered, clutching at my gut.

I guess, I finally knew what Asuka had meant by that final line. It was a phrase that described the violated, disgusted nausea curdling in the pit of my stomach to a tee.

"What?"

"It's just a teenage girl thing Shinji," Misato said, waving it off.

I glared, then slouched through my bedroom door, intent on returning to bed and sleeping off my latest mental scar, but Asuka was already getting dressed.

"What was that scream, getting me out of bed like that?" she huffed.

Lie... I had to lie.

"Shinji...em...Misato walked in on him."

She blinked.

"Yeah, right," she batted it away.

As if Shinji could scream that loud or shrill. But the question was moot, and that was all that mattered to me.

"Anyway, the pool's open at headquarters, and it's pretty deep, so I thought if I can't swim at Okinawa, what's the difference in swimming in a clean heated pool? It's something to do anyway"

"Sure," I muttered.

I could float in a giant chlorinated bath and just let my biological troubles drift away. Even if I still had a mornings work to do beforehand.

"I'll get your swimsuit out and everything."

Asuka dangled the yellow striped bikini set before me, and I suddenly felt sick all over again.

**I...I**

My foul mood persisted all the way to the Geofront, and it wasn't helped by Asuka's insistence that the bikini suited me better than the bathing suit, even with that ragged pink scar running across my belly. I wasn't in any mood to argue with her either. In fact, the only thing I was in the mood to do was lay back and float in the pool. Warm, chlorinated water washed away the taint of the Katsuragi touch.

I followed Asuka out of the locker room, feeling horribly self conscious. It didn't help that Shinji happened to be standing outside, The boy gulped, his eyes darting between the pair of us in our striped swimwear. I was painfully aware of the fact that the stripes served only to accentuate the natural curves of the female form.

Why else would Asuka have bought them? Why else would she adjust the straps in plain sight of the poor boy?

"Stop staring you pervert!" she slapped him hard across the cheek with a sharp crack of skin against skin, and leaving a hot red handprint behind.

It's not as if he had to actually go out of his way to look for them, my minds voice remarked.

Shinji frowned. "Sorry,"

I followed a little behind, quietly stewing while I pondered the hypocrisy of having an obvious crush on Shinji while simultaneously teasing him, demeaning him and generally being an outright bully towards him. Watching Asuka berate the poor child for some minor transgression, I resolved to make it my mission to see those two together before the famous kiss.

They just needed a hammer to break the walls.

"You're actually planning on doing your homework! What a boring child,"

"Well, it's homework, it's meant to be done at home, not secretly in class,"

"My how proper you are. Well, I get bored in class because I already know what he's talking about, so I buy myself a little relaxation time."

Not so much a hammer, as a rather large industrial wrecking ball then.

The pool though was heaven. Heedless of the world around me, I lay there, allowing the hot water to soak to the very core of my body and wash away any 'womanly' issues. My self consciousness dissolved away into the clear water, drifting away along with a crinkled plaster from some previous swimmer.

Ew...

Rei passed beneath, running silent and deep like some sort of hunter killer submarine, before surfacing at the other end of the pool. A trail of bubbles lazily breaking the surface marked Asuka's passing some moments afterwards.

Heaven indeed.

Even while the redhead was explaining the ins and outs of thermal breast enhancement to Shinji, I was paying more attention to counting the lights on the ceiling above.

"All pilots please report to briefing room. Repeat, all pilots please report to the briefing room. Order A-dash-seventeen is now in effect,"the tannoy announced in crackling tones.

"What?" Asuka looked up, "What could that be,"

"Angel," I said, before paddling to the ladder.

"You can't be serious!" Sohryu snorted. "It's got to be a drill or something,"

"We don't normally have drills," Shinji said, "It would be kind of ironic wouldn't it, especially since you said there wouldn't be an attack today,"

A sly smirk crossed his lips.

"Who asked you?" Asuka bit back,

"Sorry,"

"Tch, even so, Wondergirl and Nori' would've been here, so it would've have been a problem."

Nori? That horrible seaweed stuff?

Another wave of nausea crashed over me. Just don't think about the hundred squirrels swarming in my stomach. Swirling and tumbling over each other, brushy tails tickling and tingling, claws pinching and grabbing at each other.

Ugh...crap...

By the time the four of us managed to get to the briefing room, Doctor Akagi, and the cute Maya, were already waiting for us. All I was sure of was that it would've been better to just have gone and changed into my plugsuit, rather than stand there, dripping wet in a bikini.

"Well, now that we're all here," the Doctor said, snidely glaring at me. Well, that's the way I felt about it anyway. "Three hours ago, a research team studying Mount Asama discovered an unknown object within the volcano's magma chamber."

At my feet, projected onto screens built into the floor, a fuzzy, black and tan image came into view. It was marked as the Eighth Angel alright, but, what surprised me about it was, it looked more like a Chernobyl gecko than the embryo-like image I'd expected.

"It's tiny," Asuka remarked. "Are we sure it's even an Angel?"

"Pattern Blue has been confirmed. This is most likely just it's embryonic form."

We all reeked of chlorine, while Shinji standing beside her had his eyes on her breasts, rather than the floor. It served her right, I thought, for wearing that candy-stripe swimsuit. All it served to do was make the already busty redhead look just that little bit larger and rounder.

It'd serve him right, if he's caught staring into valley of death. Fidgeting with my own straps, I made damn sure I was covered as much as possible.

Ugh...at least he wasn't staring at me.

"So, it's a baby Angel then?" Shinji questioned, forcing his eyes on pain of death to stare at the lizard.

"What are you, stupid? That's what she just said." Sohryu bit

"Asuka," Akagi cut her off, while her brunette assistant reverently handed her another clipboard. "That was essentially correct. It seems to be still sleeping, which means, we should be able to capture it."

"Capture it?" a pair of voices questioned in disbelief.

I smiled. Rei stood there, completely unperturbed.

"Yes, capture it."

"The plan," Ritsuko started, reading from the new board. "Is quite simple. One of you will be equipped with D-type armour, and descend down into the volcano's magma chamber, where you will trap the Angel inside an electromagnetic cage."

The lizard image shimmered, before being replaced with a hasty flash animation illustrating a volcano, an EVA, the Angel and a net.

"If it breaks out?" I asked, knowing full well, that it would.

"Then, we'll have to destroy it," Akagi stated.

"It sounds very dangerous," Shinji commented, before whispering something on his exhaling breath.

"Not especially," Akagi said calmly. "The D-type extreme environment equipment will be more than up to the job, though, it's not compatible with either the Test type, or the Prototype."

A light turned on behind Asuka's eyes.

We were both thinking on parallel tracks, though, with perpendicular intent. I did not want to go down a volcano. No way in hell was I going down there to die a fiery Gundam death.

"Unit 03 is the most heavily armoured, and would better be able to resist the temperatures..."

Asuka glared at me. I prayed for my safety, both from her and the volcano.

"But, Noriko, you aren't experienced enough yet, so.."

Relief...soothing relief.

"Pick me!" Asuka demanded. "Pick me! I love to go diving."

As if there could be a third, unknown production type EVA, possibly coming down from the moon.

"We will use Unit 02 and Asuka. Shinji and Unit 01 will go as surface backup, and Noriko, yourself and Unit 03 will deploy with Unit 01,"

I smiled. I was going on the mission, but I wasn't going into combat. I was in the safe place, in case something went wrong. Which, it pretty much wouldn't. This had been a relatively straightforward Angel after all, how hard could it be?

Famous last words...

"Rei, you will remain here to defend the city," The Doctor finished.

"Understood," the pilot of Unit 00 answered.

"Aww, little Miss Honour student not getting to have any fun," Sohryu teased, leaning across Shinji, giving the boy another free view.

What was she on about, doing things like that? And why wasn't anybody else noticing?

"We must move quickly, since an A-seventeen has been ordered. Get yourselves ready, we move out in one hour. Dismissed." Ritsuko abruptly ended the matter anyway.

Things did move quickly after that, my senses aflame with excitement. This was it, this was the real deal, and, I wanted to remember each and every minute detail for the rest of my days. The jog to the changing rooms had me barely breaking a sweat. I fumbled with my underwear a little in my haste, while my other two comrades undressed themselves with practised ease.

Well, it wasn't just haste.

Asuka being naked I could handle. It seemed so strange, but I'd gotten well used to her while sharing a bedroom. Also, it had quickly become apparent that she didn't really have anything that I couldn't see in a mirror myself any time I wanted to.

Not that I did, of course.

Rei, on the other hand, _was_ different, and fascinatingly so. It took all my willpower to keep my eyes on my own locker and not her. Rei's body was of perfect proportion, as if machine-cast in a mould just to be beautiful and nothing else. Her skin tone, for example, was completely uniform, like she'd been held by the neck, then dipped in a vat of paper coloured paint. There were not spots, blemishes, nothing imperfect. Her breasts, her nipples, her toes, her feet, everything pri...

"So, what's so interesting about the First then?" sharp tones invaded my thoughts.

I squeaked and snapped my gaze towards my own toes. Caught staring by Asuka, how could I have been so stupid?

"Nothing," I mumbled, my cheeks burning as bright as her plugsuit.

Please, just drop it.

"Didn't seem like nothing, you were staring right at her."

And after this would come the inquisition, the interrogation, the final revelation of myself as the wolf in sheep's clothing. I would be ostracised, ignored, forever stranded on a little boat bobbing somewhere in the centre of the ocean between male and female. I wanted desperately to plead the second, but Asuka begged an answer.

"She is weird," I said, speaking to the plugsuit hanging in my locker.

"You can say that again," Asuka responded. "I mean, look at her body. It's so artificial, like she's a rubber doll or something,"

Relief! I could have hugged her for it. Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed the Rei was looking at us. A slight guilty pang rose up. We'd been talking about her while she was right there. I thought to apologise for a moment, but she just returned to dressing herself, completely unbothered. She had already slid halfway into her own white suit. I forced a chuckle, then fixed my eyes on a rusty spot on the back wall of the locker. The torches and pitchforks would stay away for another day. Lesson learned. Change the subject.

"You been on mission before?"

The plugsuit didn't answer, but Asuka did.

"Twice, didn't I tell you? Anyway, just watch and learn Fourth Child, let an expert Pilot show you just how this is supposed to be done." she blustered, as her plugsuit sucked tight to her skin.

Again I chuckled hollowly. I just wished I could have her confidence, or, that today wasn't my special lady's day. I especially didn't want Doctor Akagi to burst in on us, but, following the days pattern, the door hissed open, and in stepped the ersatz blonde with her clipboard.

I hid behind my locker door.

"Asuka, that suit's been designed with added thermal resistance." she said.

"Doesn't feel any different," Sorhyu noted.

"Push the right-hand switch to activate it,"

There came a plastic click, followed by shriek of embarrassment as the red suit ballooned out to  
Santy Claus proportions and beyond. It was Asuka's turn to turn red, and I was thankful for it. Thank God it was somebody else's turn today, I'd had my fill. Even so, I couldn't laugh. It just wouldn't be right. She didn't laugh at me.

"I can't go out like this!" Asuka squealed. "I look like a communist Michelin man."

No..Don't...laugh. Must...not...titter.

"You weren't supposed to activate it _inside_."

"But you told me too!"

"_No_, I told you what button to push when the time came,"

I squeaked, grimaced, chewed my own gums, desperate to bite back on the growing giggle. It hissed from the corners of my lips, desperate for release. It shimmied, it squirmed, tittering and rasping between my lips. I knew just how that one Roman guard felt from Life of Brian. In fact, I envied him, all he had to face afterwards were a few gladiators and maybe the odd rabid lion. He wouldn't have to deal with a very annoyed and very embarrassed Bavarian.

No good...It came out, not so much an explosion of laughter, as a strangulated yapping squeal.

I winced.

"Oh shut up," she spat, her face tinted the same shade as her suit. "At least I don't have a string dangling from my.."

"Hey!" I screamed.

That one was below the belt.

"Oh, about that Noriko," Akagi chimed in like an unwelcome houseguest. "Misato told me of your 'difficulty'."

Oh, she savoured my embarrassment alright, and I hated her for it.

"Just take it out, and set your suit's sanitation systems to constant exchange. It'll do the job."

"Uh..Right," I nodded, ashamed.

Asuka chuckled "I knew there was a reason you were so moody all morning."

"Stop it! That not fair!"

"You did scream pretty loud. Is it your f.."

"Stop!" I screeched, tears welling up.

"Or was it Misato giving you a fin..."

"Stop it now!"

Why was she being so horrible? We were supposed to be friends weren't we?. Ritsuko was somewhat kind, at least she _tried_ to hold herself back from laughing. But Asuka, she was cruel, she cackled as she waddled penguin-like to the doorway. Sniffling, trying to clear my eyes, another cramp bit deep, and I felt like just throwing up over the pair.

Right up until the moment Asuka got stuck in the doorway. She stressed and strained, creaked and pulled, but the bloated suit was jammed fast.

Justice.

"No," she whined. "This isn't fair!"

"Rei," Akagi said simply.

"Yes ma'am," The First child nodded, understanding, before she stepped up behind the struggling Second, and gave a sharp push.

"Stop it!" Sohryu protested, "I can get out myself, I don't need you to push. Stop it!"

She tried to swat the albino away but failed to reach back far enough. Asuka popped free, tipping forward, threatening to roll over, before stumbling back upright like an ungainly batman villain.

"Make sure Sohryu makes it to the cage," the Doctor directed.

"Understood," Rei answered simply and followed, the ends her lips had curved up ever so slightly as she did so. She was enjoying it.

"Get her away from me! I don't need to be pushed. I don't need your help!" Sohryu's voice tailed away as she was 'guided' down the corridors.

I listened for a moment, before becoming aware of the chill air blowing through my nether regions.

"Just be quick, or Rei will have to take your place,"

I cringed, just nodding so I wouldn't lose my lunch. She left me alone, and I stared into the locker mirror, at my own feminine reflection. Still a bit thin, but toned by three weeks hard exercise and training. Just when I thought I could get used to seeing that, something new always had to come up, didn't it?

I sighed, then took a deep, steeling breath and prepared myself. I'd have to do this eventually, I couldn't rely on Misato doing it for me forever. Best just get it out of the way. Close your eyes. Steady there. This won't hurt a bit.

Ugh...I soon felt sick all over again.

**I...I**

"So Asuka, what were you saying yesterday about there being no chance of an Angel attack while you were away?" Misato teased.

Angry silence answered.

It took an hour or so to airlift Unit 03 to Asama. It was long enough for my mind to entertain each and every niggling fear for the forthcoming battle. The omens weren't good. I'd already flattened a shopping centre landing my EVA. What next, an orphanage, the Mt. Asama visitor centre? Controlling an Evangelion was easy, Piloting one on the other hand, was hard. You had to be so aware of the world beneath you, of how wide the road was, what buildings were nearby, or where your support vehicles or power-points were located. And that's before I'd gotten around to dealing with the enemy, or the fact that I'd been standing around for an hour and a half with only my monthly discomforts for company.

Just don't do anything and leave the professionals to it, that way I won't screw anything up by mistake.

Only the occasional question from Asuka, repeatedly wondering where her precious Kaji was, and why he hadn't come to witness her greatest triumph, or a quick radio instruction from the Command team at the Volcano observatory five miles away broke the monotony. For a moment, I almost wished to be the one wearing the Michelin man armour, if only to give myself something to do beyond playing chess against Unit 03's computer system. It may have been the most advanced operating system of all the EVA's, but it still hadn't realised that a Queen can't move the same way a Knight does.

I watched Unit 02 being positioned onto the crane, while 01 marched itself around the crater rim, taking up a station opposite my own. The sinister looking purple machine somehow seemed to be staring right at me as it stood there, its yellow eyes burning with baleful fire. Of all the EVA's, it certainly looked the most malevolent and demon-like. A mental afterimage of episode eighteen, lingered for a moment and I shuddered.

Purple people eater indeed, I thought, remembering a fannish description before forcing my attention to something else.

"Drilling complete. Unit 02 is in position and ready to be lowered." Maya's sweet voice tickled my ear.

Through a radio speaker system of course.

"Very well. Eva Unit 02, move out!" Misato ordered.

Asuka's face appeared beside my shoulder, announced by a single electronic chime

Sorhyu; "It's about time! Now watch this scissor dive!"

Gently, I leant my machine ever so slightly over the edge, getting a good look down into to caldera, and the burning lava lake below. Hundreds of feet above, and with maybe another fifty feet of flesh and steel armour between myself and it, I swore I could still feel it's molten heat on my cheeks. I could smell the brimstone, feel the ash scratching my eyes and drawing tears. Only then did it occur to me that maybe, the depth of an EVA's sensory feedback might be a little more than just balance and pain.

That was kind of cool.

The Bibendum shaped EVA 02 spread it's legs as it splashed into the liquid rock. I'd been secretly hoping for something a little more impressive from the Eva combat genius. The white machine appeared to bob for a moment in the dense fluid, before it slowly sank, liquid fire closing in over it's head until only the cable remained, slowly reeling out.

It reminded me of fishing for a moment, the eighth Angel definitely the ultimate in deadliest catches.

Shinji's face appeared in a window to my left.

Ikari; "Is Asuka okay?" he asked.

Sorhyu; "Of course I am. It's nice and toasty down here," the reply came back "But," she groaned, "I can't see a thing. The vision systems don't work right,"

Akagi; "Use the false colour mode, with filter set to the infra-red band."

Sorhyu; "Roger," the response came after a few moments,

"One hundred meters, " a technician's voice announced. "Rate of drop: three meters per second,"

Well, this was going to take some time then. It was once said, that being a passenger jet pilot, was ninety-nine percent utter boredom, followed by that one percent of absolute terror right before you hit the ground. I wondered if EVA piloting wasn't going to be the same.

It took nearly twenty minutes to get Unit 02 to its target depth, and they kept going. Deeper and deeper, it kept going, past the safety limits of the armour. Even across the radio, I could here it creaking and groaning beneath the stress.

Sorhyu; "Jeez, it's getting to be a sauna down here," Asuka complained, just to inject some life into some otherwise dead air.

Katsuragi; "There's a hotsprings resort near here. Complete the mission and I promise we can have a nice relaxing dip when it's over," Misato answered, switching back to motherly guardian mode for a moment.

Ikari; "Ah, Hot springs, it sounds like heaven, all that hot water." said Shinji.

I giggled, as the recollection of that infamous thermal expansion joke struck home.

Sorhyu; "Liar! All you want is to see my naked body, all glistening and wet, lathered up with soap,"

Shinji gulped, grimaced with pressing discomfort, then cast his gaze down at a spot off camera. A quick titter past my lips as I realised just _why_ he was grimacing. Hehe, thermal expansion.

It was an awful joke, laced with cheese, yet somehow, it became the funniest thing in the world. Even as there were arguments over the radio over whether to drop Unit 02 further below the red line I was still sniggering away into my own clenched fist. Something was making me giddy all right. Maybe the oxygen fraction in the LCL had gotten too high? Wouldn't be the first time anyway.

Ibuki; "Unit two has lost it's progressive knife,"

I switched open the compartment in the shoulder guard. The prog-knife jerked out, still locked into its holster. Well, I had to do something beyond standing there, and sure, it'd be needed soon enough anyway.

"Unit 03 has activated it's progressive knife," a tech stated

Katsuragi; "What are you doing Noriko?" the Captain questioned.

"In case...Unit 02...will be needed it,"

Comm- Katsu: "Good, standby then."

"Roger,"

Now I just had to wait. And wait. Was it just boredom, or a desire to grab some small slice of glory for myself? It was Shinji's job in the episode, so why shouldn't I just leave it to him? I really was being an little selfish, wasn't I?

Not really. there had to be something to do other stand stand here

I flicked the switchblade style knife open. I could feel it buzzing up my arm, a knuckle-whitening low amp electric current running into my hand and up through my shoulder. I gripped the throttle, but that just made it worse.

Just don't drop the knife too early.

And more waiting. My arm going numb, my stomach tying itself in knots, and Asuka below slowly approaching the target. My gaze fixed on that little point far below, where the lava had begun to crust over again around the life support cable.

The cable swayed somewhat, stirring itself around a cherry-red hole. A technician began the countdown.

"Point oh-three."

She catches it, then it goes crazy. Only a few seconds before my party-piece. Deep breaths then, remember those breathing exercises.

"Point oh-two."

Keep your eyes on where you want the blade to go. Picture how you want to throw the knife. Remember the words of Alan Shepherd.

"Point oh-one."

I drew the blade back, ready to throw. Oh Lord, please don't let me fuck this up.

"Capture!"

My arm jerked, Unit 03 acting in sympathy. Hold the knife, don't throw it! What happened? Did she actually capture it this time?

Katsuragi; "Good work Asuka,"

Sorhyu; "This was easy. Now can I get out of here? My suit's like a sauna."

Glancing between my displays, I was wondering just what was going on. Beside me, the crane jolted, before the cables began to reverse. I watched it for a few minutes, a little bewildered and taken aback, as still glowing slugs of molten rock were knocked from the cable, splashing and cooling into black crusty cowpats on the ground beneath.

Wasn't it supposed to attack when she caught it?

And still the cable was wound up.

Sorhyu; "So Fourth Child, I hope you were watching closely. That's how you're supposed to complete a mission. Quick, efficient and without waste,"

"Em...sure," I smiled nervously.

Ikari; "I'm just looking forward to that hotspring," Shinji said, falling into a trance with the thought of it.

Something was going to happen, something had to happen, it just didn't seem right otherwise. Okay, so it had been one of the most boring episodes, but still, there had to be a challenge, and Angel fight in there somewhere?

What was going on here?

Okay... Go through it in you head. What do you remember from the series?

Asuka goes down, captures the angel, then it attacks her. There's a fight, and Shinji ends up having to rescue her. But, it hasn't attacked her. So what then? What's it waiting for.

I stared at the cable, slowly spooling up on the winch.

"All the tension released at once," a voice commented.

All except for that straining , twisting in my gut, folds of intestines tying themselves into knots while I squirmed in my chair. Unit 03 tensed sympathetically, the pair of us going as taught as a drumhead. I was quivering, wondering when...no _if _something was going to happen. The cable continued to reel itself onto the drum, a few meters every second. Minutes seemed as if they were hours, a cheerful banter coming across the comm's. Those hot springs did sound like paradise alright. I tried to relax. Unit 03 helped as best she could, as she usually did. She was a pair of soft arms, wrapping around my body like a winter duvet. Shinji's EVA though, still glared from the other side of the caldera.

Still reeling the cable in.

Still fucking waiting.

Why don't you just hurry up an attack? What the hell could you be waiting on? I want to get sick. I want to go to those hotsprings _now_.

That was the benefit of a half hour TV programme. All the boring bits like this could be edited out. How silly, to think being a giant robot pilot would be a thrill-a-minute ride. The reality couldn't be more different. There were procedures, there was training, there were more procedures, more training on top of that. Medical, synchronisation, physical tests, all before I was even allowed try and move the thing.

And then the drills, the missions, all spent sitting, breathing this disgusting blood of Lilith. That was one plot point of the series I could've done with forgetting. The cable beside me, jerked and slackened for the briefest of moments. Weird.

Sorhyu; "Hey, this thing's going crazy down here!" Asuka's sharp voice cut through my thoughts.

Akagi; "It's evolving rapidly. The cage can't take it, it's going to break free,"

Katsuragi; "Drop it Asuka, then prepare for combat." Katsuragi ordered, her face cast from iron beside me. "It must be destroyed,"

"It's about bloody time," I remarked privately, before realising the comm-channel was still open. They rest of my words were quickly swallowed before I drew any more strange looks from those who understood them.

Sorhyu; "Shit, I dropped my knife."

My cue? I looked to the image of Misato for the order.

Sorhyu; "No, Get away from me. Get away!" Sohryu shrieked.

A crunching impact drummed across the radio, punching hard from the headrest speakers. I winced away from it, the thought that Asuka might just have died flashing through my mind for the briefest of instants.

Sorhyu; "Godamn, I can't even see it!"

Um...

"Should.. I throw knife?"

Katsuragi; "Yes!" she barked, "Do it now!"

"Roger!"

Don't screw this up, I'd look like such an idiot if I did. Draw back, then throw forward as hard as I can down the hole, and hope.

"Uploading targeting data to Unit 03," a tech reported, while the HUD before me locked onto a single point below.

I had to hit that dead on.

And that poor choice of words wasn't helping.

Why did I want to do this again? Okay, focus, lock on. Ready...

Steady...

THROW!

The knife launched forward, a silver streak slashing through the black crust, leaving only a cherry-red crater to mark it's passing.

Comm-Maya: "Noriko's prog-knife is on it's way down,"

Sorhyu; "Well it can damn well hurry up!" Asuka blasted.

Another shriek of fright followed by a crashing impact echoed over the radio, tightening another knot in my gut. I'd never be able to go to the bathroom again if this kept up. I didn't screw it up. I couldn't screw it up. God I hoped I hadn't screwed it up.

"Thirty seconds to knife arrival," some tech intoned impassively.

Sorhyu; "Damn You! Get away from me!"

Beside me, the crane pitched and buckled, shifting on it's struts as the cable pulled taught once more. The malevolent frame of Unit 01 stared down into the crater, its pilot glancing quickly between screens in his cockpit.

"Twenty seconds,"

Another crunch, a long creaking _wrutch_ announcing that the Angel had taken hold of Unit 02. Had I fucked it up? Had I hit the wrong spot? Had I thrown too hard, or too soft? Had I waited too long?, Would Asuka be crushed before the knife could reach her? Don't be stupid!

"Ten seconds,"

Sorhyu; "Damn, I've lost it. Where did this thing go?"

Shinji's gaze darted between what must've been the volcano in front of him, and an image beside him. He was thinking about something, no, he was planning, considering, wrestling with himself over whether to do it or not.

Sorhyu; "Fall faster damn you!" an alarm. "Sheiss... Get Away!"

A hard impact, the loudest so far, followed by an intermineable silence. I was sure...certain in fact, that that was it. Asuka was dead, and it was my fault. It hung heavy on my shoulders, like the hissy, snowy static the built over the radio. Time stretched to an eternity. It could only have been a few moments, a single heartbeat at most before a new Asuka's voice split the airwaves.

Sorhyu; "I got it! But damn, this thing's got me,"

Relief. That was it. The Angel would be defeated, and I'd gotten my own little piece of the action too. Nothing was left for me to do but sit back and watch everything unfold. Excitement buzzed through my veins as I listened to the battle, the drumbeat rhythm of Asuka smashing the prog-knife into the Angel sounded loud and hard, an animated picture of the battle deep below clear in my mind.

I could see the shape of Sandalphon clearly latched on to the Kenny-like hood of Unit-02's armour, it's ring of teeth scratching at the glass before Asuka. Beside me, her video image she grimaced as she drove another stabbing blow into the monster.

Sorhyu; "What's this thing made of? The knife keeps scratching off its back. I should've brought my own, this one's useless."

Akagi; "It's not the knife, it's the Angel. It's molecular structure has become too distended with the extreme heat,"

Katsuragi; "Can we pull it too the surface and finish it off?"

Comm-Aoba: "Negative, the armour won't last long enough."

I waited, a smirk crossing my lips as I did so. It was that same smirk I always wore each time I'd rewatched this episode.

Sorhyu; "I know how to beat this. Just like this morning..." Asuka announced.

Ikari; "I get it," Shinji answered.

"Thermal Expansion!" I mouthed along with that famous line in that way only a true girlfriend-needing fanboy would. Of course, I wasn't just watching it this time, I was actually taking part in it.

A flush of giddy excitement.

Sorhyu; "Shunt all the coolant to line three, now!"

Katsuragi; "Do it!"

A gaseous roar announced itself over the radio, Asuka screaming along with it as she drove that knife home for the last time. For a moment, I thought I could hear the Angel's death scream as it died.

Then, the words came.

"The target has gone silent. All field emissions negative."

Sorhyu; "But, I think I might be done for, the cable won't survive if we try to winch it."

Something snapped inside Shinji. Before I had time to figure out what or why, Unit 01 had launched itself across the crater, taking what seemed like one giant, leaping step before it crashed hard into the cable. Instantly overloaded, the crane structure buckled beneath the stress, overloaded tie rods exploding from between truss beams.

The whole machine dropped five feet, maybe more before it held steady.

The pain washed over Shinji's features as Unit 01 drilled itself through the lava crust. It was just that final scene where we see through Asuka's armour at the moment she realises that maybe Shinji does have some courage.

More than I would have anyway.

Even with the heaviest armour of all four Evangelion, there was no chance I'd be following him down there. No way. I'd sink like a stone for one thing, and judging by the agonised expression on Shinji's face, it would be like a bath in flame. It wouldn't have done much good anyway for me to have jumped down there anyway, I was still only the new pilot. If I'd have gone down there instead of him, there would've been two deaths instead of none.

I wasn't skilled enough yet.

A fair justification then, so why was there still this acrid feeling of shame on me?

Katsuragi; "Cut his sync ratio, now! Before he boils alive,"

She was a stunned as everyone else, her voice taking on a sharp edge of fear.

Katsuragi; "Follow the cable down Shinji. Do not let go of it or you'll sink and we won't be able to recover you,"

She was afraid for him, for the both of them even. I knew of course that he would be successful, but she didn't. Tense, silent minutes passed, nobody really say much aloud beyond a technician's depth countdown.

Finally, we heard Shinji's voice.

Ikari; "I found her! I've got her!"

Misato smiled a soft, relieved smile.

From Katsuragi; "Hold on tight, we're going to start reeling you in,"

Sorhyu; "You idiot," Asuka chided in venomless tones.

The drum behind me began to slowly winch in the cable, running gently so as not to jar the two EVA's loose. The crane began to tilt slightly, straining against it's guy ropes as it tried to flop over like a dead fish beneath the weight.

They couldn't not no about it, I told myself. So there was no use bothering about it. It looked to be holding anyway. Besides, if I did say anything they might just decide to order me down into the crater to pick them up.

I wasn't going down there if I could help it.

Nothing in the episode mentioned a collapsing crane anyway, so it probably wouldn't go anyway,

But something nagged at me.

One of the first thing I'd been taught, was that if I thought something should be reported, then it should be reported, regardless of how insignificant it seemed. Even if that crane wasn't going to fall, I still had to mention it.

"Um," I cut open the channel. "Has anybody...saw crane damage?"

A few confused faces answered, taking a few moments to work out what I'd said. Misato glanced away for a moment, while Asuka scowled.

Sorhyu; "You idiot!" she shot, "You're half assed heroics are going to get us _both_ killed now."

It didn't take too much for her to change her tone.

Shinji answered with a nervous grin.

Ikari; "Sorry," he muttered, opening his mouth to say something else, before deciding it would be healthier not to.

Sorhyu; "Sorry won't cut it if you kill me!" Asuka cut loose a quick storm of fury "So help me God if I die because of you I'll...I'll.." she paused... "I'll haunt you,"

A quick chuckle escaped my lips.

Katsuragi; "Don't worry Asuka, if the crane goes, you won't be waiting too long for him to join you." Misato reminded with a humoured smile. "Besides, Hyuuga says it should hold long enough to pull you guys up anyway, as long as it doesn't take any more strong jolts."

So that was that then. Mission over. The crane damage didn't mean anything after all. It wasn't going to collapse and in another hour or two, we would be safely stewing in a steaming hotsprings resort.

Fate must've been reading my mind. And it decided it wasn't going to be taking any orders from a teenage mecha Pilot.

Slowly, the crane began to topple sidewards and collapsed down into the crater...

**I...I**

To be continued... I can't believe I actually did that.

_Chapter 7:_

Shinji's rescue attempt backfires in the most horrible manner possible. Can Noriko do anything on the surface, or will Shinji's rash actions condemn both himself and Asuka to a fiery death? Find out in the next exciting Chapter of New Perspective Evangelion. _Out of the Frying pan..._

Plus, there'll be more Fanservice!


	7. Out of the frying pan

New Perspective Evangelion

Chapter 7: _Out of the frying pan..._

Quick update this time... If you're out there, if anybody's reading, hello?

I don't own NGE, somebody else does  
Stuff might be mentioned that's copyright  
I don't own it either  
It's just a bit of fun anyway.

**I...I**

..Just then, the crane slowly began to topple sidewards, and collapsed down into the crater.

I watched the twisted wreckage plunge into the crater, coolant and power cables whipping and snarling over each other as they fell. Hydraulic fluid fountained off like blood. The whole lot crashed into the lava lake in an explosion of red fire and brimstone. The winch, still firmly anchored to the ground, was whirling itself up into a furious steel tornado as metres of cable spooled off uncontrollably. Smoke billowed from the bearings as emergency braking mechanisms rapidly overheated and failed. Severe-duty anchor bolts began to strip their threads, over a hundred metric tonnes of iron and steel slowly pulling itself free of it's grounding.

The significance of all this was lost on me for a moment, while I wondered just when this had happened in the episode. I didn't remember there being anything as significant as the whole crane collapsing. Maybe that bit had been cut out because the episode ran long? Why did the animatics and background on the DvD have to be for episode nine instead of ten?

"They're falling," an urgent voice announced across the radio. "Depth, fifteen hundred meters and increasing rapidly."

Katsuragi; "What are you waiting for? Grab that cable!" barked Misato. "Catch it before they fall to their deaths."

I blinked at the purple haired image staring at me.

Sorhyu; "You idiot!" Asuka screeched.

There came a second scream.

They were falling.

Slowly, the curtain lifted, and I realised just what had been going on. Right then, I wasn't so much terrified, or even concerned any more. It was more a sense of foggy bewilderment that handcuffed my response.

"Roger," I said.

Okay...grab the cable.

It took only a few moments more to grab the whipping cable, wrapping it around Unit 03's arm like a tug-o-war rope. A slight heat flared under my own arm as the cable burned it's way forward. Not painful, more like somebody had held a small lightbulb to my bare skin for the briefest of seconds.

It gripped tight.

Panic struck as the cable wrenched all seven thousand tonnes of my machine forward. Sheer bloody terror invaded my thoughts, a rush of adrenaline burning through my veins as Unit 03 skidded, lost it's footing, and began to topple forward.

I cried out, seeing my own fiery death loom large before me. My heart raced as I scrambled to balance my EVA, to keep myself from going over the edge. The horrifying realisation struck that, if I fell, it wouldn't just mean the end to my life, but Asuka and Shinji's too.

Not some fake, long holiday far away death, but real, immediate and permanent. And most likely agonisingly drawn out. All three of us, either slowly crushed to death or boiled alive in LCL, take your pick. The first time I'd come face to face with my mortality, it had been wearing black armour, now, it was a blood red lake of molten rock.

"Stop it.. STOP IT!" I screeched, driving my heels hard into the rock. There came a scream of tortured steel resonating up through the structure, mingled with the crunch of pulverised rock as I stamped desperately for some solid ground

"Stop, please stop!," I begged my machine, tears of fear welling up.

My heels dug in...hard and for a second, I felt I'd finally stopped. It was a false relief though, as the weight slowly tipped Unit 03 forwards. A bolt of fear shot through me as I struggled at the controls, trying to use my own weight in some way to keep upright. Unit 03 creaked and groaned, and it occurred to me briefly that maybe, it would be best to just drop the cable.

Better two die than three right?

Could I face Misato, or anybody else after doing that?

Shame on me for even thinking such a thing!

I shook it off and gritted my teeth.

Akagi; "Lean backwards, use your own weight to support them both," the Doctor advised.

"Got it!" I yelped.

But how in the name of God was I supposed to do that without sliding feet first into flaming death? Just hold on for dear life!

I began to panic, my heart racing as visions of my own burning face flashed before my eyes. My eyes screwed shut and I braced myself for the short rush of the fall, and the searing pain of the volcano. It would take a while to die down there. Plenty of time to suffer anyway. Burning and falling, knowing there was no hope of any rescue, knowing that it was my fault all three of us had been killed.

With a strangulated cry of fear, Unit 03 lurched forward, and finally:

Ikari; "We've stopped falling," Shinji said.

Sorhyu; "The winch must've reached the end of its cable," Asuka told him.

They were calm, calmer than myself anyway. I was shivering, gripping so tight to the throttles I'd probably bruised my own hands. It took a few precious moments for me to realise that I wasn't moving, and that warmth pooling around my waist wasn't lava burning up my legs.

Uh...how embarrassing.

Slowly, my eyes cracked open to see a cloudy blue sky, and the contrails of three bombers soaring above. Offering a quiet prayer for my safety, I looked down to see the feet of Unit 03 scant inches from the crater rim.

Okay, it must've been at least twenty feet, but it felt like inches to me.

Gut wrenchingly close to certain death.

It was almost funny.

I'd nearly died on my first mission! I'd nearly taken everyone with me too!

Relief!

"I got it," I said, chest heaving. I had to catch my breath. "I got cable,"

My muscles strained as I pulled hard back on the throttles, just trying to hold it upright. I could feel the whole weight of the both Eva's pulling on my arms. My elbows were slipping from their sockets, like somebody had decided to hang to decent sized fridges from my arms.

It might just've been myself straining against my own muscles, or some other psychosomatic thing like that. You never could tell with Eva involved, but I wasn't about to risk it by relaxing either.

Katsuragi; "Good work Noriko. We'll start the cable winch again, we just need you to pass the line through and keep it tight."

I nodded, the strain of holding the two EVA's beginning to tell.

Akagi; "Don't shock the line," the Doctor warned. "If you shock the line, you might shake them loose, or break the winch."

Was it just my imagination, or did she never have anything good to say?

"I understand," I nervously answered.

Both their lives were in my hands. No hyperbole, no bullshit, that was it. If I screwed up, that would be it. And this wasn't even in the show...or at least it wasn't mentioned. Why would something not be mentioned that was as deadly as this?

If this could happen, did that mean I could actually fail, and Asuka and Shinji would die?

Oh crap... Oh crap, Oh crap... Fuck... Why did I want to do this again?

Remember your breathing exercises, and just focus on letting the EVA do the task in hand. See how you want to manoeuvre the machine, then tell her how to do it.

Katsuragi; "Commence winching."

The cable went tight under my arms, pulling back and easing the load. Okay, I just had to loosen my grip ever so slightly to let it pass through, but not so much that it drops. That wasn't to hard, not really... I could do this.

Just ease it gently.

My heart stopped as I felt the cable begin to move. Slowly at first, before slowly building in speed. It tugged at my armour as it passed, a few meters at a time.

I began to settle into it, about the same time Misato began to explain how Japanese baths worked. I don't know how anybody could be so calm to discuss bathing, when certain death was only one mistake away. All I could see was that cable dropping from my grasp, the shock of the fall jilting the winch loose from it's mounts, and the whole lot go screaming past into the bowels of the Earth and certain doom

The nightmare replaying a hundred times for my benefit right until Misato decided it was high time she remind Asuka about of of the most important parts of Japanese bathing. That scream of fury nearly sent her plummeting back down again.

It took an hour almost to get them to the lip of the crater, an hour of fear and focus, the consequences of failure never far for my mind.

My arms ached, my head hurt, the butterflies were still biting away quite happily in my belly. I was starving hungry, yet ready to throw up at the exact same time. I just wanted to get them out of there and get to that hotsprings.

I didn't care about being naked in the same place as two other women, as long as I could have a nice hot meal, and a nice long, luxuriating soak in a mineral spa.

When the scorched form of Unit 01 finally crested the crater, I knew I was nearly done. The battered remains of Unit 02 followed a few moments afterwards, collapsing onto the fractured ground ahead of me.

Katsuragi; "Good work everyone," Misato said. "Operation complete."

A sudden warmth came over me, building into a giddy excitement. My first mission was over. That was one hell of a nasty shock, but things had worked out. Nobody was dead, the Angel was defeated, I'd saved Shinji and Asuka's lives.

I could've screamed, if I hadn't have been so damned tired. Slowly calming down while I dragged the abandoned mech's away to safety, I was struck by how little it seemed to bother anyone that Asuka and Shinji had come moments from death.

While I'd been bricking it, they were discussing bathing arrangements.

I sighed to myself and decided that maybe they were just used to it.

**I...I**

The resort was run by a woman named Ms. Fubuki. It was a traditional looking place all right, wooden built in a century's old style. Almost as old in fact as Ms. Fubuki herself. I'll never forget the surprised look on that her face when the four of us appeared at her door.

Behind Misato, myself and the two children where still wearing our drying plugsuits. The LCL had long since caked to our body's, giving off a disgusting smell that wasn't much different from a bad harbour at low tide. My hair had turned into a solid lump of plastic.

Fubuki was practically holding her nose as she showed us in, past that little raised platform where we were supposed to pay. Inside, the _onsen_ was pretty sparsely decorated, matching the dignified age of the buildings exterior. Varnished wood panelling served to make it appear much darker inside, than it probably was.

Nobody had thought to bring much in the way of clothes, so a set of warm towels and some evening wear were provided for a 'fair' price. I suppose it seemed fair to Ms Fubuki, what with supply and demand and all that.

I kept my mouth shut all the while, quietly pretending I was a native just so I didn't have to go through the introduction to Japanese bathing Asuka was forced into. Gloating quietly to myself as I passed into the women's side, I was taken aside by Misato. She was wearing that same sinister grin as she had that morning and I began to realise it may just have been best to stay with Asuka after all.

"How are you feeling," My guardian asked with a false kindness.

"Fine," I mumbled, hoping beyond silent hope that she would just give me quiet congratulations for my battlefield performance.

"That's good," she responded as she stripped her bra off. "Oh, this scar? I got it during the Second Impact, it's no big deal," she swatted playfully.

It wasn't exactly her herringbone scar I was looking at.

"Anyway," Misato continued. "If those cramps are still bothering you, I know an excellent way for you to feel better. It works for me all the time."

Still, she grinned.

"You do?" I questioned, with only the slightest inkling of what she was on about.

Her grin widened.

"Mmm-Hmmm. Want me to tell you?"

I looked past the curtain, where Asuka's silhouette was being introduced to the concept of washing before bathing...for the second time. I wanted to be out there, as far away from Misato as possible. Of course, I twigged just what she might have been on about.

"Of course,"

There had to be a reason beyond alcoholism that she drank so much. Okay, I wasn't _that_ naïve, but I could sure as hell hope. And frankly, almost anything would be better than having my stomach tear itself apart every few minutes.

"Well, come closer," she whispered. "This is a secret only for official members of the proud sisterhood of adult women,"

"Sisterhood?" I blinked, as she dragged me close to her.

Her skin was so warm! Sweaty and slick with the humidity, but still, I thought of a fair few things she could do for me that would make me feel better right away. Her arm fell heavy on my shoulder, her buxom breast pressing against mine. A ticklish thrill ran through my body as her lips approached my ear, and I found it hard to fight down the devil-grin that was spreading across my lips.

The pair of us, semi-naked in a steaming washroom, body-to body, with Misato's lips about to caress my ear with the gentlest of womanly touches.

"This is what you can do," she whispered, each sibilant tone like a serpent hissing in my ear. I grinned, a giddy, girlish grin, ready to embrace my wildest dreams at a moments notice. "You know where it hurts?"

I nodded,

"Well..." she leaned over and whispered something in my ear...

That little old wives tale sent me running with a squeak of embarrassment, red faced. That was followed by the cackling of witches laughter as Misato left me alone to wash herself at the other end of the room.

I sat back one of those stools that they had scattered round, and rested against the cold wood pannelled divider. With hindsight, I probably half knew what she was going to suggest. But, these cramps were driving me nuts.

The idea took root.

It prospered and grew while I washed myself, lathering myself up with soap with my own hands. I didn't dare let Misato wash my back in case she put in to practice what she preached. Besides, I enjoyed bathing myself. It was...soothing.

Sisterhood of adult women huh?

I'd certainly never given much thought to what was actually down there, or inside me. I wasn't so stupidly naïve as not to know either, it just never got in the way of my daily life. At least, not until that morning anyway. I'd decided that if it wasn't going to bother me, I wasn't going to bother it.

But now?

Misato had long left for the baths, yet her idea still lingered like a bad smell. You didn't like it, but you couldn't ignore it. I grunted, I wasn't a pervert like that woman. I would keep myself clean.

I framed that thought with a cold water rinse...that I didn't know was going to be a cold water rinse.

The shock of it sent me running for a rad-warmed towel before my body froze. The steaming spring beckoned outside, Misato slowly slipping herself down into it, up to her neck and beyond.

I could wait, maybe make sure I'd gotten the last few dregs of dried Angel blood out of my hair. Asuka entered, grumbling to herself about 'institutionalised racism that would have a European business closed'.

"When in Rome," I answered, my thoughts elsewhere.

"Who are you to say, When in Rome?" Sohryu huffed, throwing her plugsuit into a heap with mine. "The only thing that makes you Japanese is your genes. You can't even speak the language as well as me yet,"

I giggled. It was kind of funny that way.

"I know, but I can blend in,"

"That's stupid," Asuka bit, "If you try to blend in, the nobody will know you're any different to anyone else. Nobody will ever notice you,"

I shrugged,

"I don't really want to be noticed," I said, thinking of that first time with the stooges. "It's too much trouble,"

"You are weird, you know that, you really are sometimes,"

"I know," I smiled back at her, before pausing to think. "I guess, I like being weird,"

It was that same answer I'd given for years every time somebody told me I was weird, strange, or an outright oddball.. Asuka snorted.

"Each to her own. I must be the only normal person in NERV then," she remarked, before dropping onto a stool opposite me, her unsupported breasts bouncing.

I gave a half hearted laugh, while she began to lather her body up, massaging the soap gently into her own chest, then down along to her waistline and beyond. My eyes dropped to the sink, and my own hands. A shadow of a bruise had begun to creep across my palms alright. It gave a dull ache as I clenched my fist. I could really have died.

I could have killed everyone.

"How do you do it, Asuka?" I said.

"Do what? Wash myself? What are you stupid or something?" she blustered back. Something was obviously bothering her too.

"No.. I meant, during the mission today." I took a breath. "You nearly died, and you weren't afraid at all. Even Shinji was able to jump in and rescue you,"

Asuka scowled... I'd hit the sore spot alright. Stupid me.

"But," I said, looking at my own bruised hands. "I was so terrified of falling in that, well..." I didn't want to say I wet myself... "If I did, we'd all have died."

She caught me with a hard edged glare for a moment, her eyes cutting to my soul. I wasn't sure what was more terrifying, an annoyed Asuka, or a volcano? She thought about it, and I got the chilling feeling that I was about to be caught and ground zero of a pressure cooker explosion.

"I'm not afraid," she said flatly, fixing me with a deadly stare. " Because I don't think about it. If you only think about what can go wrong, you'll never be able to Pilot near as good as me. It's too distracting. Of course," the flavour returned to her voice, " that idiot Shinji is just too stupid to know he's in any danger until after the fact,"

"What about me?" drifted across the divider in Japanese.

A pair of steel eyes crept over the top of the barrier, curiously looking down. Asuka had her back to them, but I could see him clearly.

"Nothing," I called over.

Asuka looked up, then back over her shoulder for the source of the voice.

"Do you have spare body shampoo please?" the owner of the eyes asked nervously, " If it's not too inconvenient. There's none over here,"

"Sure... I finished," I answered back, standing up to throw the bottle to him. He wasn't paying too much attention to me anyway.

Asuka's eyes golfballed.

"You pervert!" she squealed, covering her chest with her arms. "Get your eyes back to your own side,"

"Sorry!" he yelped.

The eyes dropped suddenly, shortly followed by a wet slap of soft skin against wood and the clatter of a plastic stool being launched across the room.

"You should be!" Asuka yelled after him, before launching into a rather nasty tirade of 'colourful' german. "And it's your fault too, you know that?" Sohryu turned to face me, her gale blustering into a storm.

I winced, stepping back.

"Showing yourself off to him like that. He could see_ everything!"_

Everything? I gulped, and looked down my body, through the valley of my breasts, along my stomach and down between my legs to my feet.

"It was just the shampoo, he wasn't even looking at me," I tried to bat it off, a lump of embarrassment slowly creeping it's way up my throat. My toes had begun to crinkle with the thoughts of Shinji actually eyeing me.

"All boys are liars and cheats who'll do anything for peek of pink, didn't I tell you?"

"Yes," I mumbled, searching for some random excuse. "But I've only been a girl for three weeks. I don't know how to be one."

Silence.

Idiot! my mind's voice screamed. Now you've gone and done it. Of course, she's only going to ask how, and then where will you be for an answer? Locked in an interrogation room, that's where.

"What are you, stupid?" Asuka blasted, reaching full cry. "How could you have only been a girl for three weeks? That's the silliest thing I've ever heard of."

She was pissed.

I was on the verge of tears.

I had to tell her now. Dear God she's just going to think I'm a loon. She stood there, somehow towering over me, with her legs far apart and her arms crossed over her chest

"I woke in hospital three weeks ago," I said, snivelling. "I only... before that...I..."

"It's your memory isn't it?" Sorhyu's tone softened. "You really don't remember anything,"

I looked up at her, her posture relaxed and neutral.

"No," I whimpered, "Nothing before the hospital,"

Silence.

"Well I'm not going to stand around here and feel sorry for you Fourth Child." Asuka said sharply. "You can either cry about it like some pathetic child, or deal with it like an adult."

I hiccuped, and blinked, trying to catch my breath.

"I'll be in the bath," she said.

Her feet padded softly on the wooden floor as she left, receding towards the pool. I slumped onto the stool with a thud, quietly sobbing.

Well, there' goes my friendship with Asuka then. And over what? Because I asked a question? Because I didn't think that Shinji might be looking at me? Probably just because she got fed up with me is all. It always happens.

Suddenly, that bath didn't seem like such an inviting place after all. Those two were out there. I could hear them chatting between themselves. I held my breath for a few moments, and rubbed my eyes as best I could, a few half stifled sobs escaping. Hiccup.

Of course, it would have to happen today, of all days. I wake up in the morning, and find it's my 'special time'. And Angel attacks, and I nearly kill everyone, and finally, I bollock my friendship with Asuka up over nothing.

Literally!

Why was she so fucking pissed off, huh? And where did she get off being angry at me? I never did anything to her. It's not my fault anyway. I've only been one for three weeks, how am I supposed to know how to be a girl?

I can't exactly ask someone now, can I?

I sighed, rubbing my stinging eyes. My brain was swimming in a sea of hormone fuelled emotions, my mind a little dinghy caught in a hurricane A quiver ran up my back as I fought to regain my mental balance. Another sniff, and a swallowed lump crawling down the back of my throat. Slowly, a cool calm came over me. I stood up, and caught sight of my still naked reflection in the mirror.

Noriko Nagato... that was me. And it wasn't going to change any time soon.

"Are you okay in there Noriko?" Misato's voice called in.

"Um...yeah," I shouted out. "Just feeling...little shy,"

A bit of a lie. Another shiver ran up my spine.

"Don't be," the answer came back. "The water's lovely and warm,"

There was a splash, and a girlish giggle from outside. Well, it would be better to work this out in a hot spring than in a chilly washroom, wouldn't it

The night air was cold, but the spring was warm in the way a simple bath couldn't be. A bath was already going cold from the moment you turned the taps off, but this spring was an infinite well of pure thermal pleasure.

It was like bathing in heat.

It soaked straight to the core of my body, boiling away any biological discomforts. After a long day, it was a perfect way to forget about everything. I slipped down up to my neck in the mineral water, and blew bubbles.

Misato sat between myself and Asuka, both half asleep.

It was quiet. It was a heavenly end to the day. I looked to Asuka, wondering what was going through her head, before deciding not to bother. Maybe if I just gave her some space, she'd cool off.

**I...I**

"Reise! Reise!" A woman's voice invaded my morning's sleep.

Asuka?

Well, whoever they were, they were giving orders in German.

"Schnell!" my bedsheets where whisked away by the hands of a cold breeze.

No, it wasn't Asuka, she was on the bed beside mine, sitting up and rubbing her eyes.

"I don't speak German," I slurred to my pillow.

Where did those covers go?

My arm reached out in a desperate attempt to find them, padding the floor, my bedroll, my leg. It found nothing but my own soft butt.

"Hawwy up!" the order came again in accented English.

Asuka was sitting up, rubbing the sleep from her eyes.

She muttered something in her native tongue. Something about 'Morgen'.

A malevolant shadow passed over me. My eyes followed the shadow to it's feet, up along it's shaven legs, passed the hem of a black skirt and a shaded white flash of underwear, up to a red jacket over a purple tank top, around a few stray strands of raven-purple hair, to the grinning face of my demon guardian.

"Morning Misato," I said.

Ritual appeasement, a prayer to the Gods of sleep to encourage her to leave. la la Noriko fthagn. Go away Misato and let me sleep. I'd em... been to sleep late.

"And how are you feeling this morning Noriko?" she asked.

She was too cheerful, like Elmo after a shot of lithium. Too tired to fully translate an answer, I rolled over in my bed and turned my butt to her.

"It's the second day of your cycle, isn't it?"

Bah...don't remind me. An even better reason to stay in bed. A pang of a morning cramp enforced the point.

"So, did you give my advice a whirl?" she probed,

My body curled up around itself, an echo of sensation running up my spine from a very private place.

"...Yes," I muttered, feeling my body flush with embarrassment.

"And..."

I whimpered,

"What 'advice'?" Asuka cut in.

"Don't tell her!" I whined, forgetting my Japanese.

"Just a little self medication technique for dealing with period cramps." answered Misato dismissively.

A short squee escaped from my lips, a desperate longing for a dark sheet to hide under. All I had was a basic nightshirt and my own bare skin to save me from the embarrassment of my...err,,,indiscretion.

"Oh...I prefer rocky road ice-cream myself. That sort of thing never worked for me," said Asuka, as if it was the most ordinary thing in the world.

What?...No scream of 'pervert'? No violence? No blood or hatred?

I pushed myself upright, my nightshirt hanging loosely from my frame. A little bewildered, and a little dirty downstairs, I brushed a a few dark strands of my face and sighed.

"Well, it works for me," said Misato, "And I think it might have worked for our young Noriko here too?"

That vulpine grin of hers was answered only by a nervous laugh and a quick nod. I looked to Asuka for a moment, to see what her reaction would be. All she did was yawn like this was no big deal.

Or she was tired.

An old saying came to mind-If you say you don't you're a liar, and a fool if you say that you do. Damned if it wasn't too late to just keep quiet, Katsuragi'd already chosen my path by telling all.

"It was... it worked," I whispered shyly.

It worked well...

"Each to her own, I suppose," commented Asuka, with an unbothered shrug of her shoulders. "Just don't wake me up when you do it," she warned.

What?

She should've been screaming, or ripping the life out of me with cruel taunts and jibes. Guys didn't talk about things like this, not so openly anyway. To do so would invite death by a thousand mocking laughs.

And these two were talking about it as if it was no big deal.

"Anyway, more importantly," Misato continued. "Since we didn't bring any clothes, I've ordered a set of uniforms couriered in from headquarters,"

Asuka scowled.

"I'm not wearing my school uniform on a Sunday,"

"You'll have to," Our guardians foot came down. "Unless you want to wear a used, dry, plugsuit out in public?"

"Alright," Sohryu relented with a roll of her eyes.

I didn't have a school uniform, did that mean I had to go naked?

"What about me?"

"I'll have your uniform too Noriko, don't worry." she smiled.

"But...I don't go to school," I said.

"Oh...I knew there was something I forget to tell you," she slapped her forehead. "You start tomorrow morning Noriko, I'm sorry, it must've slipped my mind."

She smiled apologetically.

All I could do was groan, and bury my face in my hands. A pot of anger simmered in my belly, rising up the back of my throat.

"Thank you for telling me," I growled.

**I...I**

I managed to avoid Asuka for the rest of the day. She seemed her normal self, but after yesterday, no chances were being taken. The last thing I wanted was to annoy her further. Instead, I enjoyed what Misato called a 'Pyjama day', lazing out on the couch in my nightwear, eating junkfood and watching western television.

It gave me plenty of time to reflect on what Asuka had actually said. Deal with it like an adult? Alright, so she was only talking about my memory loss, there was no way she'd know about my gender issues...at least, not the true extent. But, it was sound advice.

Sound advice that I had no idea how to take.

I barely new the first thing about being a girl, I was barely able to deal with it. Things that would be utterly normal to Asuka say, were throwing me half through a loop. I could barely deal with a stupid little tampon for God's sake, it made me sick.

It would've been so much easier if I'd just been able to remember more of Noriko's life than the last five minutes of it...or that weird train thing. I could call up on her experiences to help, to guide me and tell me how to do things, but no, I had to do this all by myself.

And now that I had school coming up, with people who were supposedly my own age?

I remembered my last time through school alright. Anybody who happened to be strange, who didn't fit the norm, was singled out, isolated and ground down. The swot, the fat kid, the loner, the teacher's pet, the socially inept, anyone who stood out in the slightest way. What was it they said in Japan? The nail that sticks out gets hammered.

I knew what _that_ felt like.

There was only one thing for it then, I'd have to find a way to fit in. I'd have to fill Noriko's shoes and at least _act_ like a normal girl.

A bit bloody difficult when I'd no idea how though. It'd be like asking an Amish man to work in tech-support for Microsoft.

So then, if I couldn't use Noriko's experiences as a guide, I'd have to use someone else's. Misato was too old, and a bit more...'womanly' than I could ever happily be. No, there was only one person who could help me now.

But would she?

Well, I guess I just had to bite the bullet and ask her.

Easier said than done.

It was only later that night that the courage came. After how annoyed she'd been the night before, there was no way of knowing how to react.

"Hey Asuka," I nudged, rolling in my bed to face her.

A tired "What?" answered

A lump grew in the back of my throat as my words crashed together into some almighty pile up. Something had panic-braked at my tongue, and the rest just ploughed on into the back of them. The road between brain and mouth was closed for the cleanup.

I tried to talk, to find a way to say it, but nothing could get passed the tangled verbal wreckage. Fragments of sentences flashed about through my mind.

Will you?...You know when?...I don't know...

Dammit!

Just take a detour. See if she's willing to talk about it first. A nervous flutter entered my breath as I tried to speak, my words coloured by the fear that I might finally ruin our friendship.

"Um...About last night,"

"Don't worry about it," she swatted, ruffling her sheets. "It was only your period talking, you couldn't help it."

I don't think I had anything to be sorry for, it was her that started getting angry. Bah!...It's not important now.

"Thanks, but that's not it." I said. "It was...em..." the lump bulged, shifting along the back of my gullet. "When I told you, I didn't know how to be a girl,"

"Not that again," the girl groaned.

I winced.

"It's just that..well... will you show me how?"

Silence.

The calm before the storm.

"Sure," Asuka answered groggily. "Now stop bothering me and go to sleep."

A strange, giddy excitement filled my frame for a second, before settling. I suddenly became aware that I might just have willingly joined the enemy. If I actually went ahead with this, there might be no going back.

Was it worth giving my very _self_ up, just for the sake of fitting in?

I'd made my bed...Now I had to sleep in it.

**I...I**

That's it right there. Any comments, ideas suggestions appreciated at the usual address.

Next Time, on _New Perspective Evangelion:_ Noriko joins the Japanese education system, but will she fit in. How will the male population of Tokyo-3 Junior high react to the newest EVA Pilot. Never mind them, how will the girls react to Noriko?

Find out next chapter: _Behind the Wall._

And, Service, Service, Service...


	8. Behind the Wall

New Perspective Evangelion

Chapter 8: _Behind the wall..._

I don't own NGE, somebody else does  
Stuff might be mentioned that's copyright  
I don't own it either  
It's just a bit of fun anyway.

**I...I**

"Oh hi there," a voice said beside me. "Motoko Hino, I guess we'll be lockermates huh?"

Up until I met Motoko, I'd been hating school. I'd only been on the grounds ten minutes, but I already hated it. I'd hated the uniform, how I was practically naked below the waistline. I'd hated how the staff looked at me as another piece of meat. I'd hated the grey concrete prison walls. I'd hated the heavy steel gate. I especially hated the ironwork arch, with the schools motto in _kanji_. I couldn't read it, but I didn't have to to know what it said.

_Work sets you free_, it had to be.

The school was a concentration camp. Concentrate on the teachers. Concentrate on schoolwork. Concentrate on homework. Concentrate on listening, on being a good school citizen, on becoming another good salaryman/O.L./housewife in the crowd. Concentrate on the rules or concentrate on your punishment. Concentrate on fitting in, on being everyone else. Concentrate on avoiding the Hyena's on this social serengeti.

Like every other school in human history.

My first meeting with Motoko, she seemed the traditional Japanese schoolgirl, a little shorter than myself, with short, straight mahogany hair held in check by a blue headband, and bright eyes that seemed to match. She definitely was no Hyena. Herself, Hikari and Asuka would be the bright spots of my day.

"Nagato Noriko, pleased to met you," I answered politely as I could. Well, I copied how she addressed me. The vagaries of _Keigo_ that seemed to come so naturally to everyone else, served only to isolate me further.

"Oh, so you're foreign then" she chirped. "That's funny, you look native."

"Born here, raised another country," I smiled, a nervous flutter running up my back. Her eyes zoomed in, inspecting me like a scientist inspects an amoeba. It was really that obvious. I wasn't technically _gaigokujin,_ but I was the nearest thing to it.

"Parent's work for the company?" she questioned.

"Company?"

"Nerfu," she mouthed with deliberate mysteriousness. Nerfu? I wondered. "Everyone's parents here work for them. It's the only reason anybody lives in this city anymore."

I wondered if maybe my own employment with the company was supposed to be a secret.

"So..."

"Well..." My legs crossed beneath me, and I suddenly felt horribly shy. There was no back up to rescue me, nobody to help me if I did the wrong thing. "Can keep you secret?"

"You're a pilot!" she gasped in some strange mix of a whisper and a shout, her face lighting up...more than it already had. I winced...somebody had to have heard that. "Well, it's hardly a secret," said Motoko, "Like I said, no transferee's come into_ this _school anymore. Most people are just leaving since the attacks started."

"Oh,"

Why wouldn't my stuff fit in my locker?

"The girl who's old locker you're using, Yumi, left about three weeks ago after her house got squashed by the red one. Hey! Did she leave any of her idol pictures in there?"

Squashed? I was shunted aside, as the girl forced herself into my locker.

"What!", I blurted, pushing back. "It is empty,"

"Sorry," Motoko smiled again, apologetically, "But she had this real nice picture of Daisuke Mifune I've been wanting. I guess she took it with her,"

Her shoulders dropped with a disappointed sigh.

"Daisuke Mifune?" I questioned. Pop's Speed?

"Tch, look here," she swung her locker door open with a squeak.

Inside, it was plastered with glossy magazine cuttouts of a J-rock band, three girls, two guys and a ragged Mad-Max sense of style that looked like a bargain basement had met a lawnmower with an agenda. It was...cheesy, at best.

"That's the band name. I've been a fan since they're underground albums, not like those newbies who've just jumped on the bandwagon since _Nightstrider Crash_."

"Ah, cool," I nodded, post Second Impact popular culture not being my favourite subject. Big Ben chimed across the school's PA. I looked up at it for a moment, being reminded of my old secondary school's bell.

"Class 2-C?" Motoko asked.

"2-A," I was disappointed to have to say.

"The 'Father's-Only' class. Shame," Motoko shrugged. "I guessed you'll be with the other three then. See you tomorrow morning then Noriko...later "

Father's Only? I wasn't sure if I understood that right. She shut her locker door with a bang, gathered her things in a haphazard fashion, and smiled at me.

"Later," I copied.

Stuffing my own gear into my locker, I had to squash it to make it fit. My first opinion of Motoko was that she was nice, a pleasant person to be around. A bit excitable and extrovert, but without the acerbic aftertaste Asuka left sometimes. Not quite _Genki_, I think the word was, but not too far from it. Earnest and eager would be the best way to describe her. I wondered for a moment what sort of deeprooted psychological trauma she was hiding, this was still _Neon Genesis Evangelion_ after all, before realising that there had to be some normal, ordinary people out there too.

I stuffed few textbooks, which I couldn't read anyway, into my locker, followed by the kitbag squeezed up on top of them. I fished my indoor shoes out from under that lot, then jammed my outdoor shoes in where the indoor ones had come out of, then slid my feet into the soft synthetic slipper.

Much better than the hard leather day shoes.

The door took a whallop to close again, and gave an ominous creak, threatening to burst like a bomb if anyone so much as breathed on it... gentle now, just tiptoe backward...

From my explosive locker, I could just hear Asuka chattering a few rows away. The school was downsizing, mixing half empty classes into one whole to save on teachers and electricity, and locker space. Which meant the organisation was getting a bit haphazard.

At least they gave me a map, with a nice helpful red line that led from the locker room, and out into another corridor.

The corridor that lead to Classroom 2-A was lined with empty, orphaned rooms. From them echoed the voices of a hundred teachers. Do it again, ten times, they said. What does the poet mean when he says this, they asked. How could you manage to burn _that_, they wondered.

I never did get the nack of cooking or home-economics. I never liked the whole housewife deal. I wanted to be like my father, an engineer, a master of applied science. He was a man who seemed to know everything, who could not just use everything from the basics of Kirchoff and Thevenin to Tanhauser and Hawking, but actually understand what he was doing and explain it to me. He always brought me in on his work, he hoped I...would...be...

I stopped...dead in the corridor. Standing rigid.

Where did _that_ come from?

That mans face, that same man from the passport, smiling at me, beckoning me to the beige box workstation at his desk at home. And holding me against him as...

"Hey, Noriko,"

I shrieked, my heart clenching.

"What?" I stuttered.

"Did you get lost or something?" Asuka bit. "Honestly, can't you do _anything_ without me being around?"

"I can!" I shot back "I was just..."

"Wondering where you where?" Sorhyu pushed,

"I was reminded of something is all...my old school." I tried to laugh it off, bat it away as nothing important.

"Where you crying?"

What? Something was tickling down my cheek.

"Pine disinfectant!" Yes, that would be a good explanation, "It's so strong in here, it's making my eyes water."

"Sure," Asuka pondered, inspecting me, wondering just what I was doing. "I mean, it really does burn the eyes out of your sockets, doesn't it?" she finished with her usual flourish. "Come on, I'll introduce you to Hikari,"

"Thanks," I smiled.

Asuka left, but I stood for a moment, gently brushing soft fingers against my check. Crying? A damp track running along my cheek. I..had...been crying. Why was I crying? They weren't my thoughts, they weren't my memories, he wasn't even my father for Christ sake's! He was her father, not mine. I'm not her, I am myself, I am I...

And I was quoting Rei to prove it...

A chill crawled up my back, the fingers of a draft creeping up my leg. I shook it off as best I could, but that mosquito still lingered in my ear, buzzing at me.

Then I followed Asuka to class.

Classroom 2-A was small, hot and crowded. It was also noisy, the burble of conversation reaching out through the corridor outside. I stepped inside, and silence fell, thirty-five pairs of eyes focusing in on me. Then, those whispers began, circling me like vultures...

"Look at her legs, she's so fit,"

"Did you see those pictures?"

"Oh, another one of them. My boyfriend barely wanted to talk to me since that other slut moved here."

"Look at that scar, I'll bet she has some weird tragic past, and she's lonely and looking for love in a foreign land,"

"Eh, Kyon, with Mecha Pilot's and Space Aliens, all we need are Time travellers, Espers and Sliders to have the full set...I'll bet the secret agency is behind it too"

I think I covered three of those... maybe four depending on how you stretched it.

"She looks Japanese you idiot. And didn't you say the same thing about Sorhyu and get beaten up?"

"Why...?"

"I'll bet they spread wide..."

What?

"You pervert!"

"I told you there was a new pilot."

"The brigade will investigate her!"

"I hope she doesn't squash anything..."

The brigade will get shot at... remember the last time?"

"Welcome to class 2-A young miss..."

It took a moment for me to realise that voice was talking to me, not about me. A pair of bright spectacles looked up at me, framed by efficient, pigtailed brown hair that radiated professional organisation.

"Nagato... Nagato Noriko, pleased to meet..."

"Horaki, Hikari Horaki," she smiled. "Asuka already told me you were coming. Welcome to Tokyo-3, Miss Nagato. Now, would you please let me show you to your seat,"

Hikari could've been a teacher, or an instructor, she had that same air of polite authority about her. At least that's what I thought until a large white folded paper dart drifted lazily past before crash landing.

"Hey!", her voice jumped an octave, her expression steeling into one of cast-iron purpose. "You're going to pick that up right now or you'll be on report for a week!"

A small looking, black haired boy who seemed a year younger than everyone else, shrunk back into his seat, three rows back.

"Oh, here goes Miss Bossy again. I wonder if she wears the trousers at home?"

"Hey, show some respect or you'll be on detention!"

"You're not the teacher y'know...just the teacher's pet,"

"Why you?...I can still put you on cleaning duty for a week,"

I watched for a second... tried to figure out how they managed to half a full blown argument while still appearing to use what I thought were polite forms of address, then realised that like Quantum physics, I'd never truly understand it, so it wasn't worth bothering over.

I just took my seat beside Asuka, who glanced up at me just long enough to tell me that so long as I knew anything about the Second Impact, I wouldn't have to worry about anything. I dug out the history book from my satchel, opened it, and was suddenly very worried indeed.

"See, it's all the same, all over the world," she said.

"Heh...yeah," I said nervously, grabbing the back of my head. "History not my subject. Prefer mathamatic or science."

"Maybe, but you'd have to be from another universe not to know about the Second Impact,"

Or maybe, an alternate version where all this is just a TV show. I knew the basics... that a meteor hit Antarctica...but the details? Who was the scientist who first detected it? Who fired first, India or Pakistan? Where was the Valentine treaty signed? Looked like I'd have to remember my old cogging skills then.

The classroom itself was small, hot and cramped. The morning sun burned through the windows, it's thirsty rays drawing rivers of sweat. The windows may have been open, but there was no breeze outside to speak of. Just hot, muggy Tokyo-3 air. The classroom door opened again, but no draft chased through it, only a sixty year old, balding man, with tanned skin drawn like leather over his bones. His bright white shirt hung loose from his spindly body.

"All rise!" Hikari ordered.

I nearly tripped and fell over, trying to keep up.

"Bow!"

Stumbled over as I tried to balance myself...

"Sit"

Then slipped and fell ungracefully back into my hard wooden chair. A few papers on the wall were tickled by a gentle draft.

"Good morning class, and today we'll be continuing with the socio-economic effects of Second Impact. All those who need to catch-up.." he stared right at me. "..are expected to do so in their own time,"

I wasn't sure what exactly he was saying... After a few sentences I gave up trying to translate everything he was saying. I could follow him okay... if I wanted too... but it just seemed like a waste of mental resources to follow his droning tones. Instead I did what everyone else seemed to be doing... I logged onto the schools shat network, and sat there impassively staring at the screen waiting for somebody to validate my existance with a message.

The dark haired girl reflected in the screen looked like she was about to fall asleep in her place. But, at least I could take comfort from the fact that I wasn't the only one.

"Schengen Zone... Lisbon Enabling Act... New European Federation..." the old man continued, "Brussels government...N-IRA...violence campaign..."

A few rows ahead and to the left of me, Rei Ayanami was watching...something outside. Shinji, a few desks behind myself, was watching Rei Ayanami. Asuka right beside me, was watching Shinji watch Rei, but only when she was sure nobody was watching her. Which had the effect of making it blindingly obvious to anybody who could've wanted to have been watching. Hikari watched Touji, Touji watched Hikari...but only when her back was turned. A darked haired girl with glasses was watching a short, slightly stocky girl with a Hello-Kitty on her satchel. The KGB was probably watching Kensuke Aida, who I felt was quietly watching me. The teacher was watching nobody, which was fine, considering nobody was watching him either.

And I sat there with my legs crossed, which was comfortable, watching the whole lot and wondering if I might have some excuse to get out of it. I was sure my training would provide a good excuse, or an Angel attack, or an early Third Impact. Either would do...

I was about ready to nod off when a message finally flashed up on my screen, in English as broken as my Japanese.

"Where you from?" it read.

"Europe," I sent back with equal abvruptness.

"Cool... You hav boyfrind."

I scowled.

"No,"

What followed was a torrent of requests, a blizzard of keystrokes around me, forwarded messages and pop-ups on my screen. Before I could figure one out, another would popup in it's place. Some where asking about me, about what Europe was like, and how 'available' I was. I sent back a simple, poorly constructed reply that said yes, I was a pilot, that Europe was nice...And that I was most emphatically _not_ on the market.

I spent most of the morning lazily browsing the internet... which was both completely different, yet exactly the same as the one I knew. A little like the world after Second Impact compared to the world I remembered.

A little like being a teenage girl...compared to teenage boy. It was pretty much the same

Except for the drafty skirt...Or the oddly comfortable underwear...Or the irritating long hair tickling my shoulders...Or the ticklish breasts rubbing...or the monthly visitation, which still lingered in my belly... or the leering eyes and sinsister smiles that tracked me...

I pouted into my Laptop. The _Minix_ Racoon on the desktop background stared back at me.

"_One People, O__ne government, One Europe._...seperatist...Nazi... arrests...blue-shirt."

The Lunch-Bell rang.

At last, some food! Finally I could do something other than listen to a droning old man. Of everything so far...I hated school the most. Ghost memories I could handle, Gainax bounce I could tolerate... but sitting on a hard wooden chair for 4 hours of information emesis was soul crushing.

I bought a cheap _bento _from the school's canteen. It was cheap, it was cheerful... it was flavoured cardboard. I wasn't hungry anyway... I was never really hungry...except after training. While Asuka chased after Shinji for her own...homemade..._bento..._I chatted with Hikari. Not really about anything, just...chatted for chatting's sake.

About the weather... about school...about Tokyo-3... and a bit about who might've been dating who. Hikari was a very comfortable person to talk to. My Japanese stuttered, and my accent mangled it, but she didn't seem to mind.I felt at ease chatting with her in a way I hadn't yet with anyone else.

It was natural to sit there, on a low wall under the shade of an unused school building... even if the concrete was a bit gritty and made my butt itch. It was good to just chat. When she did come back, lunchbox underarm, even Asuka seemed more natural around Hikari, less guarded and more..normal.

It was nice.

Even if half the time they talked about girly things, or Hikari's sisters, or just how all three Eva pilots managed to have such large breasts.

"Do you rub them in the morning or take hormones or what?" Hikari enquired. "Noriko looks a year older than evyrone, and yourself Asuka, you're bigger than my sister. And that's not talking about Rei..."

And suddenly, I was back to being perfectly uncomfortable again. They felt huge to me, especially when the Gainax effect kicked in...but since I shared my 'three sizes' with Asuka... I didn't think I was, in the grand scheme of things... especially _large_. I'd known girls my age who were bigger than me... and they all seemed bigger when looking _at_ them. Looking at my own... they never seemed near as big as they felt...

"Even Shinji is bigger than me..." she sighed, cupping herself despondantly.

And I suddenly giggled. The blushed, then gigled some more.

"Well, Noriko_ is_ a year older than everyone, so she doesn't count," said Asuka. "and I'm European, and we're naturally bigger," she boasted, her chest swlling with pride.

I suddenly felt very small... and it wasn't just because Asuka was talking for me

"But still, look at Ayanami... she has the body of an adult,"

I had looked at Rei Ayanami... I had looked at her in great detail, and there was only one thing I could say to that:

"Definitely..." with a knowledgeable nod.

"She's always been weird," blustered Asuka, "At NERV they're always doing tests on her too," he voice switched to a more mysterious tone... "maybe they've accelerated her growth or something... turned her into a freakazoid."

A fishtank full of clones count? I wondered.

"That's not very nice," Hikari frowned.

I looked up across the yard... maybe a hundred yards opr more, and locked eyes with Rei herself, staring dead back at me. A hundred ice tipped feet danced up the back of my spine. She was watching us. She knew we were talking about her.

What followed was a creeping, crawling quiet...

"Weird," I mumbled.

Or just Rei projecting her fey and otherworldy battle aura that all the fanboys knew and loved. I saw her look up for a moment, towards the school clock. Big ben chimed out across the schoolyard, and feeding time at the camp was over. The inmates marched back into the concrete building, through evil green doors.

They were accompanied by a short, fat woman, who was even older than my homeroom teacher. Classes split off into their rooms, but Class-2A had a different destination for the afternoon.

Gym Class.

A clutch of yellow notes had been jammed in my locker...some written in Japanese, a few titles in scratched English: To miss Nagato... with lovehearts. I squeaked.

"They do that to every new girl," Hikari told me, "They'll forget about you in a week,"

"Perverts," Sorhyu snorted. "I didn't even read any of them, just dump them in the bin"

"Nah...er..." what was i supposed to do with these? "Nani...er.." Language? Okay... I wanted to read these...out of curiosity...I wanted to know what they said. Well, I knew what they said... probably... but I wanted to see for sure. "They take effort write..em... I read,"

"I'm sorry, I don't understand," Hikari gave a consoling smile,

"They went to write and I go to read." I stated, a little abruptly. "Fair"

"It's you're virginity," Asuka warned,

"How?"

Sorhyu switched to English.

"_Well, that's how they get their hooks into you... First you read. Then you swoon. You date a bit.. then you get laid_." she said, the authority on the subject. "_Then, you're a month late you __get the news that your life is ruined, and you have to marry the potato that got you pregnant_."

"_But, they're just letters..._" I deadpanned.

"Ummm..." Hikari nudged, "what's happening?"

"Noriko just wants to read the notes, maybe date a few, raise a family..."

Hikari giggled.

"I do not," I mumbled in a small voice.

"_Geez, lighten up,_" Asuka sighed, folding her blouse.

I groaned.

She was standing almost naked beside me. Shrug. So was I. So was Hikari. So were twenty other girls. It was every adolescent boys fantasy, and I was suddenly completely unbothered by it. And that bothered me. I should've been uncomfortable, I should've been self conscious, I should've been hiding behind my locker door, or shielding myself with my towel.

But... I wasn't.

"That new stuff, it tastes like strawberry's"

"Magical Girl Gaerric Soldier is on again tonight,"

"He was _horrible..._"

"It always disappears up my..."

It was like a switch had gone off. Something had turned off my sexual self-conscious. A fuse had blown on overload. And it _was_ something sudden... Just that morning I'd been caught in the bathroom by Misato, and been all blushes and stutters.

Now... they were just other girls. Nothing more.

What had happened? What had changed in my head? Was I still...attracted to girls then? Okay... maybe I was just getting used to it. I mean, I got used to seeing Asuka butt naked from my bedroll... I could be comfortable with people I knew...

But I didn't know anybody else here that well, besides Asuka.

I was being assimilated.

What's going on in my head?

And where are my goddamned leggings? I found the underwear, and the T-shirt, but no tracksuit leggings. Don't tell me I forgot those... Fuck... tip the whole sportsbag on the floor... they have to be in here somewhere! Bloomers, they called them... but there was nothing remotely bloomer-like in there. Just some one-size-fits-none sports underwear.

"Lost something?" Hikari enquired.

"Um... My...bloomers,"I flushed red, "I think forget to pack,"

"They're on the bench bench beside you Noriko," Hikari beamed.

Nothing but the sports-underwear.

"Uh..." I blinked owlishly. Maybe they were invisible somehow? I looked up, and at the other girls, none of them seemed to have any legging's either...

Asuka cringed. Hikari smiled. I frowned. They navy blue things weren't underwear, were they? They _were_ the bloomers, weren't they?

"Summer wear," the class-rep told me.

And suddenly, I felt reassuringly self conscious all over again. I was so glad to be embarrassed that I wasn't even bothered as we walked out into the yard by the fact that my 'bloomers' covered less than my normal underwear.

Three hours of sprinting, skipping, jogging, jumping and pushups, left my muscles burning, my heart pounding, and my chest aching. But I'd loved every single minute of it. I'd loved the feeling of being so fit, so healthy. I'd loved being able to run without having a heart attack. I even liked it when some of the boys had started cheering, _Transferee!..._ even if they were the minority between the Asuka and Rei fans.

My body was loose, flexible and fast.

"Because we're EVA Pilots," Asuka told me later. "We're better than normal children. Just watch Shinji run,"

He left Touji and Kensuke for dead off the line. Wow. Themselves, they were no slouches, setting a pace not far off the school's running team. Hikari too. It was strange, just about everyone in 2-A set times over a second faster than the other classes.

Well, they're all pilot candidates, it makes sense that they're the best and brightest doesn't it? I shrugged it off.

"I don't care," I said to her, "I feel good,"

I felt real good.

I hated school, but I loved Gym class. It was a weird duality. It meant I left the school in something that passed for a good mood. I was in such a good mood, it felt almost invincible, as if nothing could possibly ruin it. Not even the stray thought-echoes of a dead person.

The Gods took notice.

**I...I**

There is nothing that could sustain good mood better than the new laptop I'd ordered a few weeks previously. Especially since it had been paid for by someone else. I sat crossed-legged, hidden under my blankets, illuminated only by illicit images on the screen. Asuka was sleeping beside me, while I watched cam-corder video's of the EVA's in action, including footage of Unit-01's first battle. It was bad quality, with washing, blurred sound and a blocky, artifacted picture, but it was EVA-01 in all her berserker glory. That animalistic howl sent a hundred little legs running down my spine, and had a face-splitting grin on my lips. It awakened the fanboy deep within the female shell.

"How fucking cool,"

"Shut it," Asuka mumbled, ruffling her sheets with her feet.

The IBM remained oblivious to what it was showing, just sitting there dutifully. Right until the battery died. Well, I sighed, it lasted long enough. And I really needed to sleep anyway, the joys of being a schoolchild... The lid snicked shut, and I stashed the computer beside my school satchel. The horn of a locomotive moaned in the distance.

Asuka started snoring, and outside, I could hear Misato talking to someone.

"She is..._weird_, Ritsu'. There's something not right with her,"

Who?

"Just...something. I think there's more going on in her head than she's telling us."

Who's she? Asuka? Rei? Or maybe...She couldn't be talking about me, could she?

"Maybe." Misato said, "But it's a load of little things,"

A pause, and a sudden fear cramped in my gut.

"That box she got with her personal possessions? Three times, I put it in an obvious place, but she just hides it again each time,"

I'd seen what was in it. I didn't want to go through that again.

"Her file said she was taught Japanese by her parents, but she acted like she didn't know a word of it a month ago. And now, it's like she understands almost everything we tell her,"

I swallowed a building lump. Noriko knew Japanese? Well, it would make sense I suppose. But _I_ definitely didn't. Total submersion in a language was the best way to learn, I was once told. And I still could barely speak the language. And I definitely couldn't read it...

"Yeah," a pause, "But that's just it Rits, I think she remembers more than she's admitting to herself. Believe me, I've been there myself,"...

I don't remember _anything_ about Noriko, I wanted to yell out. Well, nothing beyond drifting fragments, and half remembered ideas... lying around like deleted data on an old harddisk.

"Hmmm," sighed Misato, walking towards her own room "...maybe I do see too much of myself in her."

I sat there, quietly listening, swallowing acid. Misato thought I was nuts.

"_Yes_, you were right Ritsuko," she sighed, "It _was _too early, I can see it now, but it's too late to change that. But I still say sending her away to be properly rehabilitated will only be counterproductive. "

Send...me...away? My blood ran cold.

"Fine... Give her a psych analysis with her next physical exam..." a pause..."After Unit 03's certification tests of course,"

So... they want to send me away. Why? Why me? Just when I thought I was finally getting comfortable they want to send me away. It seems like the whole purpose of this universe is to suddenly turn on you...just when you think you've dealt with it... and screw you up even more.

It wasn't fair...

I dropped back onto my bed, and curled up into myself. They can't send me away... not if I'm a good pilot. They can't spare good pilots. I'd show them I was a good pilot on Saturday, I'd have to show them.

At least my body was warm and comfortable. That was nice. I waited until I was sure everyone was sleeping, padded my way to the bathroom when I was certain there wasn't a sinner awake to catch me, and enjoyed some quick stress relief...

**I...I**

08/09/10 (Haha) Edited Asuka comment to Noriko about their fitness. Some typo fixes

-Dartz


	9. Boxed In

"Good Morning Noriko!"

Misato was being painfully cheerful for this hour in the morning. Well, for a morning that I had to go to school on anyway. There had to be a way for me to weasel out of that prison. Work...training...psychotherapy..._something._

"Noriko," she said, sitting gravely down on Asuka's empty bed. I heard Asuka herself outside talking with Shinji. "There is something I need to talk to you about, it's important,"

My brain wasn't quite awake yet... Important... Misato? Training? Oh...I realized despondently...the phone call. I slunk back down under my bedsheets. She was just going to tell me about it now, wasn't she?

"Emm... What is it?" I sucked on my lip.

"Just a single question," she said, crossing her legs. Question? What could this be? Why am I hiding the box? What do I really remember? "Do you know my bedroom is right beside the bathroom?"

"Huh?" I looked at the closed bedroom door, then up at Misato's chest... then her face...then her chest... then her face again before she caught me. She was wearing that impish grin of hers again

"Mmm..hmm, it is. Just remember, I can hear _everything_ that goes on in there."

Oh...Shame. Nothing but a deep void of pink-faced shame. Blushed to death.

"I was...noisy?"

"No, but I'm a light sleeper. It might be a healthy thing for a child your age, but not for me when I'm on an early shift."

"Sorry," I muttered darkly.

Why couldn't she just have dropped by to tell me about the phone-call. Why did it always have to be sex?

"So, tell me, how did it feel?" she enquired.

"Em... No private talk this late." I squirmed.

Women's reproductive health was not my favorite topic at six-thirty in the morning. Just get to the phone call already or leave. If I wasn't so ashamed of myself I'd be annoyed...

Misato sighed, "You don't have to be so ashamed of your body, you know,"

"But..." I said to my pillow. It was nice to be ashamed of my body sometimes. It meant I was still me inside...

"What?"

"Nothing important,"

One of _those _awkward silences... Please leave Misato, or tell me about the call, or let me get dressed, or stop teasing me!. She was sitting there, watching me, thinking...pondering. The nut-house for Noriko in five days? Just tell me already! Don't leave me in suspense.

Misato stood up... and paused

"Ah... one more thing."

She held it on the tip of her finger. Finally!

"I was speaking with Ritsuko last night," yes, yes, now she was going to tell me. "The pilot of Unit 04 will be arriving on Saturday. You'll be meeting him first Noriko, in the Geofront. Since Unit 03 and 04 are designed to operate as partners, you'll need to have a _good_ working relationship."

Dammit Misato!

"Don't worry, I've heard he's quit cute."

"Anything else?"

"Nope!" She bubbled. "Enjoy your day at school Noriko."

I was suddenly left feeling strangely hollow. I was just a pilot to her. I kind hoped she might actually have liked me.

Wait a minute... What did she say about Unit 04?

"Hey, Wait!" I yelped.

The door just closed.

**I...I**

New Perspective Evangelion

Chapter 9: _Boxed in..._

I don't own NGE, somebody else does  
Stuff might be mentioned that's copyright  
I don't own it either  
It's just a bit of fun anyway.

**I…I**

"Oh, it must be from a secret admirer," Motoko beamed.

A large white envelope had been placed in my locker, with my name written cleanly in roman characters, and in western order. It stood out from the background of yellow post-its and notepads that were being used to soak up rainwater from my shoes. This was obviously from someone who'd put a lot of thought into it. It smelled vaguely of polystyrene glue.

"Open it... Open it." She pleaded. "Open it, I want to see who it's from."

"Well..." I started, looking down at it, it really was quite smart. It was crisp, it was clean.

"Go on, open it. He might be cute."

"I don't like boys." I mumbled. It should've joined it's brothers under my shoes. But curiosity needled me to open it. Oh well, what the hell. I tore at the top of it, somewhat carelessly. I wasn't too concerned with the contents... and that's exactly what I wanted to tell myself. If I ripped it, I didn't care. I unfolded the paper inside with deliberate and obvious carelessness. If it got ripped, well too bad.

"Well, who is he? Let me see will you," Motoko muscled in over my shoulder.

"_Dear Miss Nagato,_

_Please come meet me at lunchtime, on the roof of the old building. It is important._

_With respect,_

_-Aida Kensuke"_

"He's going to confess!" Motoko announced. "Two days in school and you've already got a boyfriend."

Oh hell. I confess to almighty God... The gang girls were staring at me from beneath an orange crust of make-up. They were whispering and giggling amongst themselves... pointing at me and snarking. I wondered if I could crawl into my locker.

"I don't want a boyfriend." I said firmly, glaring at the letter. "I don't like boys."

"So why are you blushing."

"I'm not!" I barked. No good, my cheeks were blazing red. For Christ's sake how stupid...

If I didn't have to worry about Misato sending me away if I did poorly this weekend, or a large EVA-shaped bomb being shipped over if I did well, now I had a fanboy. One who had pictures of me...

"Even if it is just Kensuke Aida, look at the effort he went to."

"I met him before," I told her, a dark cloud of shame hanging over my head. "He took a photograph of me and ran. Asuka hates him, but Shinji gets on well."

"Asuka hates the boys here too." Motoko said, throwing an odd suspicious look out of the side of her eyes. "I suppose, given the way you look at her, it must be obvious."

"What?" I blinked...

"S-Class." She whispered in my ear, followed by a bubbly giggle.

"The what?"

Top-range Mercedes? The wind just dropped from her sails.

"Never mind." She said flatly."Even if you were staring at her butt as she walked in."

"Was not..."

"Were too."

"Was not."

"Were too."

Both of us were giggling. Genuine... natural... human. No guarding walls, or second guesses.

"I was not!" I barked, hands on hips.

"Yes...you...were." Motoko drilled it in.

"How could I? She came in after me?"

Silence... Victory was mine!

"Good point... But I _was _talking about yesterday you know." She smirked.

"But Asuka does have a nice butt... so either way." I shrugged.

My words flowed like a spring, as if I'd tapped down into some well of Japanese. My accent had thinned, dissolved within the local Tokyo-3 dialect. Something was going on in my head... something was changing, I was sure of it. It was something that had started yesterday, but I could feel it going on.

Different thoughts were bleeding into my own. Thoughts and ideas that I knew weren't mine I mean, I'd never been a fitness freak, or a fan of athletics, but now I loved running. I loved the feel of my heart punching against the inside of my breastbone. I loved the surge of adrenaline. I loved proper sportswear. It suited me in a way a school uniform didn't. For one thing, I wasn't naked below the waist. I had proper clothes on, not a hovercraft skirt liable to blow out at a gust of wind.

"So then, are you going to meet him?" Motoko needled.

"Well..." I dithered.

My gut said no, my head said yes. It was like a root canal. Best just get it over with and be better off. I could tell him I had no interest. I could demand that he stop selling pictures of me. I might even be able to do it myself, without Asukas help.

"Go on... " She pressed.

"Alright." I relented with a roll of my eyes. "But only to say no."

"Don't be such a spoil sport... go with him. You two would make a cute couple y'know."

I could only sigh again and repeat.

"I'm not interested in boys."

"What about Asuka? Be quiet about that, if people found out..."

Her tone of voice made it crystal clear, even the lockers had eyes. The gang girls at the window shared a snigger. Rumours like that could really ruin a persons life in school. It was certainly not something I wanted to put myself through, not with all the other stuff on my plate..

"I had a boyfriend," I stated with firm authority, forming a story in my mind that might actually dig me out of this little hole.

"Oh, I wonder what he was like," she poked. "What are European boys like?"

Making up fictitious characters on the spot was an ability of mine built by years of writing random fiction pieces. Most of which were admittedly a little crap.

"He was perfect," I said, loading my voice with righteous scorn. "Iron-blue eyes and golden blond hair cut short. He was on the school football and swimming teams, _and_ he still managed to be a straight A student. Everybody loved him. His name was Gary Stewart."

"He sounds nice... but... there's always a but."

I nodded, "Yup. Everybody loved him. Me, Katie O'Gill, Mary-Sue Conners... about three others."

Oh yes. Writer, director, Oscar winning actress. All in one.

"Oh wow!" Motoko yelped, "Five at once, what... that was... I'm speechless, At your age?"

She's swallowing it whole. Inside, I was dancing a jig of joy, but I had to keep the poker face, everything in the poker face. Be as serious as a bottom-end knock.

I just nodded again. "I promised myself I'd never do it again, so I won't."

"And you're thirteen?"

"Fourteen,"

Motoko thought for a moment.

"You're acting like an eight year old, y'know," she teased, " and eight year olds are _so_ afraid of cooties."

"Not cooties... just not interested." I stated again. Cross my arms that was it. Finito...

"We'll see," she said with a knowing grin. "_We'll see. _Just because _one_ boy was bad, doesn't mean they all are."

Which is true, but still there was a snowballs chance in hell I'd ever go out with a boy. Not while Rei's butt still haunted my dreams.

**I...I**

It was almost like I had a different personality when talking to Motoko.

Maybe it was because I was dealing with just Motoko. I didn't know her issues, I hadn't seen her innermost trauma's flashed across a TV screen for my entertainment. I hadn't nosed in on debates about her character on fan websites. I didn't know a thing about her until I met her the day before.

It was such a weight off my shoulders.

Walking to class, I almost missed her.

"Why are you talking to _him?" _Asuka demanded, as if my embarrassment would be a slight on her honour. "He's so...disgusting, him and his two stooge friends."

"I think it's cute." Hikari remarked brightly. "A boyfriend after two days, it took a week for you to receive your first declaration, Asuka."

Noticing her jealousy, a small part of my mind wanted to tease. But I knew better than to push that button.

"Not a declaration, just wants to talk." I said. "Formal language, like business. And I say no."

The two girls looked at themselves, pausing me in the corridor between some Janitor's storeroom, and a noticeboard advertising photographs for sale on the school roof. Telepathic translations, pooling their mental resources to try and work out just what I was trying to say. The three of us stood there, blocking the intermittent flow of students to class...

"_Sure_ it is." They harmonised, staring me down.

God I hoped it was.

"No matter, I still say no!" I announced. Be strong, be affirmative. Have pride and confidence like Asuka. What was it Asuka'd said once? I had my flower and I had to keep it safe from grazing pigs.

"Good for you." Sorhyu said as she slapped me on the back... too hard!

Hikari looked unconvinced.

"Never underestimate the power of a tug on your heartstrings." She warned sagely.

"Well..." Well what if he did push some right button down there I didn't know I about. I knew they existed, the box itself was proof of that. The mere thought of it made me sick to my stomach. Do you Noriko take Kensuke to be your lawfully wedded husband? No, I couldn't take this chance by myself. "...I may need assistance just in case."

They looked at each other. Asuka laid a weighty hand of responsibility on my shoulder.

"This is something you must do yourself, Noriko." She said haughtily. "You must be able to say no on your own."

"_But you promised to help me be a girl." _I said, whispering...half whimpering... just to make sure Hikari couldn't hear me. She frowned.

"_And this is something girls need to do by themselves." S_he answered, gruffly.

"Excuse me." Hikari pouted in her teacher's tone. "I _am_ right here."

"Sorry." Asuka and I said in unison.

"Will you's kindly get a move on!" Someone in the building crowd demanded. "If you wanta discuss the rag, discuss it in the bathroom like normal girls."

"Touji you jerk!" Hikari shrieked. I don't know how she'd known it was him, or how she'd picked him out from the building blockage of people. "When you get to class, so help me..."

She was red-faced with anger. I was red-faced with self-shame. Asuka rolled her eyes at the immaturity of the laughing _boy'_s. Each of our characters revealed perfectly in our reactions to one crude remark.

"Perverts." Asuka snorted, as she usually did.

"Yeah, and we'll be tardy perverts if you clucking hens don't shift it!"

Jerks, I thought.

**I...I**

Just say no... Just say no... Just say no... Just say no. How hard could it be? No matter what he says I could _just say no_. So why was I so afraid? Why was my mind playing back to me a video of myself, swooning into the waiting arms of Kensuke, my heart promising itself to him and him alone while my mind screamed in helpless terror.

Nervous... a sick lump in the back of my throat.. almost like my heart was trying to jump through in a blind rush to get to him... body or no body a womans heart would not be denied it's one true love. A hand of terror held it tight in place, squeezing it tightly, strangling it before could make the leap.

I was terrified.

That he might hold the key to my heart in his hand as I held his paper of proposal. A girl's heart was funny that way.

But why should _I_ be afraid then? Was I not a man? The reflection in the window stated otherwise, but inside at least. Why should I be afraid of him? As long I hated wearing a skirt, I would be fine. As long as boys eying me up made my skin crawl, I would be fine. As long as I could still fantasise about snuggling Misato's breasts and mean it, I would be fine. I would be myself, no matter what this admittedly quite attractive shell of flesh said.

I wanted to announce it to the school. I wanted to stand on the roof and shout to the highest heavens. So long as I can say no I would still be myself. A gentle draft crawled up the inside of my leg, licking at my underwear and I suddenly had a very good idea why I was so afraid of Kensuke Aida.

I swallowed my fear, forcing it deep into the pit of my stomach. Below my fears of Third Impact, below my worries about Misato sending me away, or Asuka having some ulterior motive. Below my sexual insecurities and through the souls of my feet if I could.

I could be cold. I could be hard. I could focus on telling him exactly where to stick his proposal.

A little further up a little used staircase, and I suddenly became uncomfortably aware of a latent femininity picking at the back of my mind, announcing it's presence with a bounce in my breast, a ruffle of long hair, the chilling swish of an open skirt and a seam of my underwear worming it's way up somewhere uncomfortable.

If this went badly, it wouldn't just be cheap elastic finding its way into my nooks and crannies. If you'd told me at that moment that this wouldn't be the most worrying thing to happen to me that week I probably would've just laughed hysterically in your face, and maybe suggested you take a quick stroll in my shoes.

Speaking of which, my feet were killing me. Stiff, outdoor shoes which just hadn't broken in yet; they were cutting into my feet. Solid leather, razor blades and sandpaper wearing my heel to the bone. I dragged myself up those stairs with the enthusiasm of a prisoner walking her last mile. Up the stairs to the roof, a rarely trod path into the hot afternoon sun. A few browned paper notices on the wall advertised last year's school trip, and the one before it.

"Stop!" a voice barked behind me.

I whirled around. Face to face with the oddest pair of brown eyes I'd ever seen. They stared through me in a way which Rei would've struggled to match. It was creepy that an otherwise normal girl, with normal brown hair, a normal school uniform...save for a red armband... a normal skin colour and a normal honey-coloured hairband should have a gaze that would make a tree blink.

"Mecha Pilot Noriko Nagato," She said, voice thrown forward with authority. "Haruhi Suzimiyah, SOS brigade, Tokyo-3 division."

"Err... okay."

Haruhi now. What next?

"You pilot the black mecha?" she interrogated. Staring... demanding...Haruhi.

I nodded dumbly. Haruhi Suzimayah... Har...uhi...Suzim...iyah...

"Are you a slider, time traveller, esper, or alien?"

I was two of those things... possibly three depending on the definition of 'esper'. But... Har...uhi. My mind screamed what the fuck?

"I am myself." I said flatly.

"Oh how boring." Haruhi sighed. "There has to be some reasoning behind it all. A reasoning for your selection. A great conspiracy behind the Evangelions. A conspiracy to unmake the human race."

For one brief moment, a devious thought entered my mind to tell her something, anything and probably everything, but I was too busy trying not to laugh at the absurdity of Haruhi Suzimiyah showing up in Tokyo-3.

"I wouldn't know." was all I could say without laughing.

Haruhi loomed over me, eyes zooming like little camera lenses. It was infernally creepy. Normal people didn't stare like that. Normal people didn't hyperfocus like that. Rei did. But Rei wasn't normal.

"This is my e-mail address." she stated, thrusting some paper card into my hand, "If you have anything you wish to talk about, don't hesitate to use it, the brigade will treat all correspondence in strictest confidentiality."

"Umm.. okay.."

The sensation of weirdness lingered long after Haruhi had left, running down the corridor. While it made one doozy of an explanation for what had happened to me, somehow Haruhi Suzimiyah pulled a fanboy into a girls body in another universe out of sheer boredom' wasn't anything near what had happened to me. Although, there was something inherently more appealing in the concept then Kawaoru Nagisa doing it for some eldritch reason beyond mortal human comprehension.

It helped me forget about Kensuke for a few moments.

He was still waiting on the roof, a few steps up above me. Alright, find the focus. Saying 'No isn't hard' I can do it. One leg up over the other. Think like Asuka, be like Asuka. Self confidence is key. A little nervousness, nothing I couldn't handle. I wonder if there's a coincidence in there, my last name as Yuki Nagato's? Hah!

Or was it the Battleship Nagato? Admiral Yamomoto's flagship during the Pearl Harbour raid, prior to the commissioning of the Yamato. The last active IJN battleship, final sunk by Able Baker in 1946. Was I really just stalling for time? Oh yes. My mind was stalling for time. My underwear wasn't right, better fix that strap before it begins to chafe. I wonder what Asuka's sundress feels like to wear?

Okay, now I really was stalling too much. My mind was beginning to switch to the XX track. Just do it! Not Asuka's Sundress, Kensuke. Do Kensuke!.No!. Just... Oh forget it. I knew what I meant. I didn't have to justify myself to myself.

Flush with renewed conviction, I dashed upwards. My heart leapt towards it's one true desire. Solitude and a life free of love. Well maybe not free entirely of love, if I met the right kind of girl, I might find a way to be comfortable with that.

And then there he was, standing there against a mountain backdrop. The midday sun was tingling the skin on my face and arms, already the beginnings of a sunburn. A cooling breeze whipped across the roof, stirring dust, and dragging at the blond boys T-shirt.

He was standing there, in a picture scene as perfect as any from a romantic novel.

And I felt nothing.

"Noriko, you came." he smiled.

Out of context... Don't think about that!

"Well, yes." I nodded. My confidence was holding. Here he goes. He taking his breath. His ready to say it.

"Have you heard if they've selected a pilot for Unit 04 yet?"

I turned blue.

"No," I stuttered out the one word I'd been fixating on since I got his letter. "Not... No... No Unit 04."

"I hacked my father's database. It said Unit 04 was nearing completion in the States." He told me, chest swelling with pride, while I was having some fun watch his eyes slowly creep down to a point between my breasts, hold for a moment, then snap back before he thought I'd caught him. "It didn't say if a pilot had been selected yet. Since all the other pilot's are in the class, maybe...,"

"You may be on list." I finished.

"I am!" He leapt forward.

I cringed. That wasn't what I'd meant at all.

"No...no" I shook my head. "Not that... em... how do you say? No reason you cannot pilot, but..."

The boy deflated before my eyes, his energy draining down to his shoes.

"What?" he pushed, crestfallen.

And I almost wished I did just have to reject him. I knew the pilot for Unit 04 had been selected, Misato had told me. I knew it would probably blow up, and somehow I had an inkling that the pilot just wouldn't be Kensuke. The exact word Misato had used was _Bishounen_, which in my mind was rendered to 'cute'. Kensuke, in all honestly, covered neither base.

He was myself a month ago.

Only a month. It seemed, somehow, to be much longer than that.

Okay, just divert the question then. It wouldn't be fair to crush all his hopes, would it?

"Why do you want to pilot?"

In all honesty, I'd expected something along the lines of, 'Because it's the most awesome thing in history', something like why I thought I wanted to be a pilot.

"Well." He held up, taking some time to consider it. "My father fought with the JASDF in the Vietnam interdiction. My grandfather was an officer in the JASDF. My great-grandfather was a pilot stationed on the carrier _Sorhyu_. _His_ father fought at the battle of Tsushima as a lieutenant in command of the gunboat _Akagi_. For every war we have fought, an Aida had fought in it."

A short pause. He was looking straight into my eyes now..

"I guess, I just don't want to be the one left behind."

"Well..." I started on some track, before thinking better and just sitting back into awkward silence. What could I say to that? It isn't really a war, not the sort of war he's thinking of anyway.

"You are Shinji friend?"

He nodded. "But what does that have to do with it?"

Okay... think... don't fuck it up.

"Shinji need a friend for support. Friend more important than soldier."

I tried to say it like I meant it, but it just came off as corny to my own ears. That old mecha cliché.

"But why can't I be his friend, and his comrade at the same time?"

"Because he worry about you?"

"But he worries about me in the shelter. He worries about what would happen if he fails to defend the shelter. He's terrified we'll get hurt and that it will be his fault. "

Still on the back foot, I was looking for a way out,

"He told you that?"

"No," Kensuke shook his head, "but he doesn't need to. I can still see it. And if I was a pilot, I could protect myself. He wouldn't have to worry about me, or the class. I _know_ I could do a good job of it. I know tactics, I know military procedure's. I know how to do it, so why won't they give me a chance?"

"I don't know." I told him the truth. "But EVA is more complicated,"

The whole bit about having to have your dead mother's soul as a core being on thing. Speaking of which, just why did Unit 03 work for me then if it was Noriko's mother? That's not important right now. Just, how do I get out of this without seeming like a jerk? I ran a few strands of hair through my fingers, trying to find something that filled the silence that followed.

Kensuke sighed, and turned around, shuffling his feet on the the gritty roofing felt. He looked out over the mountains, at a cross shaped prefab building at the center of a roughly man-shaped scar in the mountainside forest.

"How much more complicated can it be?" he asked, his tone so flat, I knew he meant exactly what he said.

"Classified,"

"And that's just an easy way out, isn't it?"

He called it perfectly.

"It also the truth." I told him flatly.

Synchronisation, the AT field, the testing and training required to become a pilot, even what the plugsuit actually did (but not it's existence) for a pilot were as secret as the Colonels eleven spices. I almost wished he had asked me out, it would've been much less awkward than this. It wasn't that I didn't want to tell him either, don't get me wrong, if I had the choice Id've revealed every gory detail of the Evangelions and their creation to him.

But I didn't want to be punished for it. Ten years in prison, at least, for the pair of us.

"They tell the pilots nothing."

"Thanks for meeting me anyway Noriko." He said. "Maybe you could put in a good word for me with Misato? Or tell me if you hear anything please?"

I thought for a moment,

"I will."

"Thanks." he smiled,

"Uh, but only if can say." I blurted, "No...em... so secret that cause trouble,"

Another pause.

"If you can't say anything, I understand." He said, disappointed. "But I have a website where people login and post theories about them. Since it's anonimised, maybe you could ad something?"

"Maybe."

I didn't want to say no, and I didn't want to say yes either. The classrooms had ears. And I'd been to enough Eva fansites to know _exactly_ what would happen.

"Just think about it."

"Later." I said, giving a half hearted wave.

I left Kensuke leaning against the roof railing, looking out over the yard. So then, I wanted to pilot an Eva, because being a pilot was 'awesome'. And it was. I loved it. I loved the training. I loved the size of the Eva. I loved the feel of the plug. I loved wearing a plugsuit. I loved every little thing about being an Eva pilot, ...except for the occasional mortal peril. And if Shinji could deal with that like it was routine, it was only a matter of time before I could.

If I could get used to the 'bounce', I could eventually deal with anything. There was a lot I'd gotten used to in a month.

Anyway, it just seemed like I was the only one piloting an Eva because it was cool. It seemed so..._stupid _to me. Shinji did it to hear his father's praise, Rei did it because she knows nothing else, Asuka does it to prove to the world that she exists, Touji did/does/will do it to put his sister in a good hospital and now Kensuke, the fanboy elite, wants to be a pilot because of his family heritage.

It left me feeling oddly shallow and unfulfilled. I traipsed back downstairs and out the main doors, searching for Hikari and Asuka. Other thoughts wheeled through my mind, Misato actually thinking about sending me away, the pilot of Unit 04, and the Eva of death blowing itself and most of Tokyo-3 to pieces when someone tried to start it.

Motoko was sitting alone, on a low concrete wall beside a flowerbed, eating from a bento box while reading some magazine. Spying me from across the yard, she gave a friendly wave. I stopped. Asuka, or Motoko? I didn't even have to think...

Motoko it was.

"So, you must be Nagato," a voice said behind me. A boys voice.

Tall, thin, at least sixteen years old and probably on his way to a senior high soon enough, with a sharp chin, cynical eyes and short brown bangs. I groaned to myself. Why were so many people bothering me today? Would I even get a lunch?

"Yes," I snarled,

"Good", he said. "You've met _Haruhi, _I take it?"

"Yes," I nodded again. I'm not going to be bothered by this crowd now, am I? I mean, I enjoyed the series, it certainly had it's pick me ups, but I wasn't exactly a subscriber to the whole Haruhism thing, preferring alcoholism, like most Irish animé fans.

"Alright, you need to know a few...things," he said, being very suspicious as he said it. He gave a quick, nervous glance over each shoulder, making sure no bogey man was about to jump him, before pulling me close, close enough to whisper secrets in my ear.

"What?" I snarled. Damn this was annoying

"I'm Kyonichi Haruhara, and you can probably guess why I got _dragged_ into this too,"

And suddenly, I was intrigued. Like a lightswitch. His voice oozed irritation, like a creme-cake of annoyance and frustration that was being squeezed beneath an especially irritating jackboot.

"Kyon..."

"The one and only, Of course, a secret Pilot named Nagato is going to draw her own fair share of attention too, "

I looked up at him, near half a foot taller than me if not more,

"What's going on?"

A small spark of intuition told me I wasn't about to get a summary of an animé series.

"Haruhi Suzimiyah's real name is Sakura Ikazuchi. About six months ago, during the first of those robot attacks, her parents were killed. She left school for a week, and when she came back, she insisted we call her Haruhi. She insisted she _was_ Haruhi. She'd always been a fan of the books, so she knows _everything_ about Haruhi. Haruhi consumed her mind"

He sighed, rubbing his templed.

"She dragged her _ersatz_-SOS brigade together. All of us are linked by our names. Me, as Kyon, Kimiko Asahina as Mikuru, Yuki Mutsu, as Yuki Nagato and Itsuki Koizumi as... well that one's obvious I suppose,"

"Well that's..." weird seemed like the right word... but not something you'd say to a person's face about they're psychotic friend.

"Weird, I know. But it's true,"

Oh well, what the hell.

"So, why do you keep up?" It was obviously annoying him, and, while I couldn't speak for the rest of the eSOS brigade, If eKyon was anything like they were, they were probably at the end of their tether's too.

"Because if we don't, we don't know what Haru... um... _Sakura_ will do to herself when she finds out. She's so unstable as it is, the slightest thing could tip her over the edge. If she realises she's not somebody special, that she might just be an ordinary student, and an orphaned one at that well...she might harm herself. And we don't want that on our conscience,"

Part of me wanted to laugh. I mean, it seemed almost ridiculous. They had to be joking, right? This had to be some sort of joke at my expense. This couldn't be on the level. So thought the former animé fanboy turned female mecha pilot...

"What do you want me to do?"

I had all the enthusiasm of a condemned man asking the executioner for his last meal...

"Just play along for now. Make NERV the secret organisation Sakura thinks it is. Conspiracies within conspiracies, something that would give James Bond headaches. I'm sure NERV is pretty much ordinary military inside, aside from the mysterious enemy and giant robots, but make it seem really extraordinary... why are you grinning,"

I had the sudden devilish idea to tell Sakura exactly what was going on, the truth about Nerv and the conspiracy to turn the human race to goo for the sake of love.

"Nothing, I just like write story is all. I have wonderful idea,"

"Write? Good, that'll make it consistent. Just keep enough going to keep her running in circles. And don't give her secret away to herself..."

"I won't..." I said, throwing a Misato wink

It was, and probably would remain, the only time anyone ever asked me to write something.

"Don't..." he said, stone-faced "Run it by me before you show it to Haruhi, I can craft a scenario with the rest of the brigade to run along with it. I didn't spend the last three years in the schools TG society for nothing,"

TG being Traditional Games, and not trans-gender...

"I write something good, no worry,"

I didn't have the heart to tell him, I'd only ever written fanfiction. But I'd read some King, some Tolkien, every issue of _Bike Buyer's Guide_, I could at least come up with something.

"I'm going to tell the Brigade. See you, Nagato,"

"See you, "... I forgot his name... beyond Kyon.

We both walked off on our separate directions. Motoko was still over by the flower beds, sitting on that low brick wall, eating her bento, all alone. A true friend wouldn't ignore her like that, and my mood for the day was at it's highpoint...

Alright!

"So how did it go Fourth Child?"

Asuka...

I flashed her a glare, deflating on the spot. Just because I considered Asuka a friend, didn't mean I wanted her to follow me around. Hikari smiled, while the German planted herself to the tarmacadam, tapping her foot on the ground with building impatience.

"Fine, he just wanted to be Eva pilot of Unit 04." I gave a gallic shrug.

Motoko had stopped waving.

"Such an idiot, as if a sweaty army-nerd like him could ever be a pilot. Stupid nerds should stop living in their own fantasy's and wake up to the real world. "

That hurt in a way I didn't expect.

Hikari gave a knowing grin. "This from the one who fantasises about playing the lead role in a James Bond movie with Mister Kaji?"

"That's different."

"How?" I pondered out loud.

"Well for one thing, Ryoji Kaji is a real man, and not some anatomically perfect tenth-scale doll."

Which was a good point I guess. But she had about as much chance with Kaji, as the average animé fanboy had of getting into her underpants. Flesh and blood or not made little difference, the chance was still zero.

The only reason I was ever in Asuka's panties, was the same reason she was sometimes in mine. Shinji'd stopped bothering to sort them after Asuka yelled at him for touching her delicates two weeks ago, and since the pair of us shared...give or take... the same sizes, it really wasn't a problem to just pick from the same drawer. I never actually gave it much thought after the first five minutes.

I remembered the trio of figurines on my shelf back home, Asuka and Rei in a plugsuit, by Revoltech, and a bootlegged Misato with Yebisu, and wondered if I had my own figure series by now.

"I just never understood why somebody would buy a plastic doll rather than take a real girl out on a date." Said Hikari,

"Plastic doll never hurt feeling." I said. They never talked either. Just lingered on the shelf, lifeless eyes forever staring at a poster of an old lime green Kawasaki KZ-1000 on the opposite wall.

Asuka put her foot forward... as usual. "Well, dolls don't reproduce either," she said, "so they won't. Darwinism in action."

I chuckled, but Hikari just answered with a polite smile, and a nervous glance at my feet.

"Kodama's boyfriend is really sweet though." She told her shoes. "Once she actually talked to him anyway and pulled him out of his shell."

Asuka rolled her eyes,

"But it's really worth the effort, because some Otaku can be the nicest guys...once you get to know them."

"But most are disgusting creeps Hikari, is it r_eally_ worth wading through garbage for one solitary gem?"

Boys... no matter how much I wanted to defend the fanboy elite, it wasn't a subject that really held my interest. Girls talked about boys in much the same way boys talked about girls, there was no mystery to it. It's no great surprise to say I didn't feel comfortable talking about boys like that, but it was more than that. With Asuka and Hikari deeply locked in debate as to what defined a good catch, I couldn't shake t the feeling that I was just another third wheel. I could've said something, but I didn't feel like there was anything to say... nothing beyond "I don't like boys" anyway.

I was standing there, not with them, but beside them.

I looked over to see if Motoko was still sitting on the wall, but she'd moved on. Rei, with some notebook resting on her lap, had taken her place. As if sensing me watching, she raised her head, staring right at me. Rei might have been fifty yards away or more, but I knew she was staring right into my eyes. A nervous quiver rippled through my body, before I shook it off and returned my attention to Asuka and Hikari.

Suddenly, boys seemed the better choice, and with any luck I'd see Motoko at the end of the day.

**I...I**

If you think you have strange dreams, try having a lesbian tryst with a nanite-gender swapped Shinji. It was disappointing to see him at breakfast that morning, Thursday, with a flat, distinctly male chest. I pondered on it for all of two seconds, wondering what possible combination of ingredients had baked such an entertaining cake, before coming to the conclusion that the cake was a lie. Nothing but a product of whatever part of my sexuality was governed by the female side coming (and then some) to an arrangement with the male side by which they could both get some fun from an acceptable partner.

Then I realised I didn't care about the in's and outs, I just wanted to wake up with that same feeling of energy inside every morning from now on. And maybe having 'someone' to share my little bedroll with would be nice. It was strangely cold...

Yes, I had the brain of a teenager and it was beginning to show.

Wednesday had been a nice day though. Quiet enough. The eSOS brigade were out and about, but I think Kyon kept them away from me. He gave me the strangest smile, when I passed him in the corridor between classes. Kensuke too. Admirers , Motoko suggested. Kyon was cute, at least according to her, but not right for me. Asuka and Shinji didn't argue, Rei was Rei and a handwritten flyer announced that pictures of myself for sale, at a ten yen premium over Asuka.

There was something oddly comforting about it. I put it down to the sportswear.

My mood was riding high running down to the afternoons sync test.

Asuka was in her usual mood. Either she was happy, or she was pretending to be. Rei was Rei. Shinji was gangly and boyish in his plugsuit.

In my entry plug, I could smell biscuits. Hot, baking biscuits in an oven. Such a wonderful smell of home, mingling with the slight tang of what could almost have been roasted barely, pine detergent and a strange strawberry scent that might've been perfume.

It was the EVA...It was the smell of home.

It was so comfortable, like a soft armchair that just gave way under weight and swallowed you up. The drone of the cycle pumps, the chirp of a signal generator, or the voice of a bridge bunny just fell away, fading until they sounded like they were being heard through a wall. A few whispers, a few thoughts, a smell of feet, a smell of bedroom, the sounds of the seashore.

There was the presence of the Eva again, and a sense of something feminine. It was pushing, probing more than usual. A questioning impulse, a feeling of curiousity, it was trying to find something and it dragged my mind with me. The world outside seemed to melt away completely, receding into the background as I fell within myself.

I felt perfectly at ease.

Somebody was standing there, looking at me. Surrounded by nothing but blackness, I could see nothing, but I could _feel_ them standing dead still, six feet right in front of me

Just standing, watching me.

A woman, definitely, a sweet apple perfume tingling my nostrils.

_Is that you?_

Who?

_You?_

You who?

_You?_

It rushed forward, embracing me in it's arms No! Not this! My mind screamed. Familiar arms. I knew that smell! I knew that feel. I know that voice! No! Focus on the Eva. Focus on yourself! It wanted Noriko, I was not Noriko.

I am _not_ her! I am not your daughter.

She stood there again, watching me. Coldly distant. And lonely.

_Did you get your present?_

Yeah! It's real shiny too! My mind resonated

Don't let it! Focus on the EVA, on synchronisation. Search for something_ anything _but this. The throttles, reach for the throttle, a button, something!

_I'll be home in three weeks then Nori' just after we run this one last test,_

It's always another test,

_Yeah but this is the last test, the absolute last test I promise._

Yeah mom... Wait... FOCUS. My name is... My name is... Switch channel, any channel! I wanted to get out of this memory. Abort the test? What test?

_I'll ring you when I'm finished the test alright honey. Be good for your father_

I will mom.

I could feel tears. I could feel it pushing deeper, driving hard into my mind. Another smell, the smell of hot plastic, the smell of sweat, the sounds of somebody screaming and a wail of a jet engine. I could smell jet fuel, seeping into the entry plug.

And it stopped. I felt a strange, empty sorrow

"Noriko..."

It was staring at me.

"Noriko..."

And it was gone?

"Noriko, are you awake in there?"

I blinked, mind snapping back to the blood smelling entry plug.

"Eh...Yeah," I mumbled, my head still swinging like a loose pendulum.

Misato's face drifted in and out of focus beside me. She was smiling at me, I thought.

"Good work Noriko. Sixty five percent. You make record increase!"

The only thing worse than my Japanese, was Misato's English. Wait? Sixty-five percent. I gave her a quizzical look. Occam's razor pointing out that she'd probably just made a mistake. That would mean...

"Double...of the last score." The Captain's took the words right out of my mouth.

All I could do was answer with a bewildered stare.

She looked away, her attention being tugged by a voice to her right, and frowned. "Really?" She asked. "Half already? I never distracted Shinji or Asuka that much." A teaser grin. "At least not like that," I thought of a thousand half-remembered pieces of fanart and giggled a few bubbles of LCL.

Sorhyu; "And how much have I improved by Misato?" Asuka popped up.

"Point-five." Was Doctor Akagi's terse reply

Sorhyu; "Well, I suppose it's easy to get big increases from _low_ scores, isn't it Fourth,"

She was staring right at me, staring down at me. Her face was nothing more than a projection against the plug wall, but she still stared me, demanding an explanation for my insolence.

"It did something weird"

It was the only explanation I could give. It was the only explanation I could understand.

"Asuka, stop being a distraction," Misato barked. "Her score's already back below forty,"

Sorhyu; "That's not my fault, it's her own fault, she..."

Misato fixed her with an arctic gaze.

Ich habe dir gesagt, um nett zu ihr sein

Asuka shot back with some choice words of her own, before Misato bit down hard on her, sounding like a prison camp kommandant. Asuka sat there, huffing before dropping into a dark pout. A storm of fury boiled above red hair. I wasn't stupid, I knew I was sitting right at the centre of it. I knew that whatever had been said, had been something about me, and I new damn well that whatever Asuka had said, pounds for pennies said it wasn't very nice.

Even if the German language by it's very nature made reading a shopping list sound like reading a death warrant.

"Concentrate Noriko, try and focus on what you were doing before." Akagi directed. "Repeat what you did."

How could I repeat it, when I had no idea what had just happened. I did nothing different, then the Eva did something weird. I looked at Asuka pouting, Misato glaring. The wall opposite me was green and unyielding, except for a single technician head deep in some electrical panel. I thought about it, turning what had just happened over in my mind like a pig roasting on a spit. About the time 'medium' transitioned into 'well done', I felt it again, standing over me like a dark silhouette in doorway, watching over me.

And just watching.

Fear rose up again, my body charging up with static electricity. It was still there. Not approaching me any more. Just standing, I was in my bed, and it was a rapist, waiting to violate my sanity. It was insane. The rational part of of me knew it was just the Eva looking for what was left of Noriko. The rational part of me knew that it meant no harm, it was probably just curious. The rest of me could see the cockroaches crawling all over the rational part of my brain, squealing in Penderecki terror.

If it got any closer. If it ever got inside my head again, if it found Noriko, it would bring more of her to the surface. The more of her there was, the less of me there would be.

And still, it stood there, and there it stayed. At a synchronisation rate of 37.47 percent.

Asuka was pleased. Ritsuko was puzzled, scheduling a battery of tests to try and figure out just why my sync rate had shot up, then dropped right back down again. Shinji was pleading with Misato not to cook dinner. Rei was being Rei. I was just glad to be done with the test.

I stood under a showerhead for a full five minutes, steaming hot water just washing my worries away. Asuka stood beside me, her body wet and shining.

"Well, if you want to become a good pilot, you'll have to be able to maintain a sync ratio," she announced to her audience of one. Her mood had brightened again.

"It wasn't me, the Eva did something weird,"

"A bad workman blames her tools," chided Asuka.

"It was Unit 03's mind," I told her. "It wasn't me,"

"What are you, stupid? Who would design a weapon with it's own mind?"

Oh right, Episode 22.

"Whoever built Unit 03. " I said, leaving her in the shower to dry myself off.

"Well, maybe it is an inferior model, but my Unit 02 will do exactly what I tell it to. I'm in perfect control," Naked hands on naked hips time. "It does _everything _I tell it to without complaint,"

"You can't not know..." I snapped back, staring right inter her ice blue eyes. ... that you're own mother's soul is inside there, was how I wanted to finish. But that would be one hell of a landmine to step on, wouldn't it? I swallowed the rest of that sentence, and buried myself face first in my locker.

Underwear was more important than that. Much more important. Much more comfortable too.

"Can't know what?" demanded Asuka,

"Nothing," I dismissed it, snapping the elastic on a fresh pair of panties.

Drop it, just drop it now.

"What's nothing? You were going to say _something_ weren't you? What's that something?"

"Nothing?" I repeated, swatting her away

She grabbed me by the shoulder and whirled me around,

"What's _nothing?"_

Her voice rang off the tiles, clear and crisp and right in my face despite the humidity. I stood there, underwear hanging limply in one hand, my eyes drifting towards the door. I could outrun Asuka now, I knew that. But could I run naked through a cold corridor?

I felt sick to my stomach. I couldn't even look her in the eyes.

"Personality type OS," I said between my teeth, "I was wrong. It was just the personality type OS going funny,"

She gave me a strange, suspicious look, her eyes narrowing into ice coloured slits. I licked my lips nervously. I was lying through my teeth... sort of... but would she call me on it? And what sort of answer could I give her? Unit 02 is your mother Asuka. Search your feelings, you know it to be true.

She'd scream like Luke Skywalker, and probably cut my head off to boot.

I watched her draw a slow breath, churning the idea over in her mind.

Hey Asuka, it's the funniest thing. You'll never guess what really happened to the Eva pilot's mothers! When they died, they all became the Eva's and protect us and love us. Now do you understand, the meaning of the AT field.

Nope. No less terminal.

"What are you, stupid? Is that all?"

Asuka scoffed and turned away. She thought I was an idiot. Just another thing on top of a growing pile then. I groaned, dropping forward until my head thudded against the cold steel door.

And the higher my sync ratio got, the more of my mind and memory would be overwritten with Noriko's. It was a wonderful Faustian dilemma. The more power I wanted, the more of myself I would have to give up. Overwriting my identity, it was like taking individual grains from a salt heap At what point would it stop being a heap? At what point would I stop being myself and become Noriko? Would there be a terrible moment of realisation, or would I just slowly erode away into the background?

I thought about Asuka, and about how much I really knew about her, and how close I'd come to getting in over my head... and genuinely wondered if maybe it wouldn't be for the best if I could wake up in the morning, and never realise I had been anybody but Noriko Nagato.

I would wash myself. I might find Shinji cute in his shorts. I might borrow Asuka's perfume, because for some reason I never bought my own, and maybe share clothes with her...more than underwear. I might go shopping with Motoko. I might ask Shinji out on a date. I might be happy for the next six months of my life.

Until my friends start dying.

The 13th Angel might take one as a prize.

Asuka gets mind raped into a coma.

Rei blows herself to pieces, then they fetch another one from the tank.

Shinji falls apart when he kills Kawaoru.

My own sanity hanging by a thread as I stare down nine white evangelion's with hungry grins on their cetacean heads.

And then a lance to face, or giant naked Rei turning me to tang.

Damned if I did, damned if I didn't, I guess. And all the while, Asuka was muttering to herself in German.

It'd be maddening if I gave it more thought.

At least I could tell which memories where Noriko's, and which where my own. Different disk partitions in my head. That was a starting point. And here's hoping I could hold onto enough of myself that, when it really mattered, I'd know what was coming, and what to do.

"Hey, Fourth, I think this is one of your bra's, it's _really_ tight on my chest."

Asuka offered it to me, pink lace and all, with a teasing smirk on her face. Well, this was a question I _knew _how to answer.

"And these might be your panties, they're really loose around the waist," I answered with a forced smile, running my thumb along the waistband. Snap went the elastic

Silence.

"Hah, we both read that book, didn't we?"

Ranma? That's the last place I remembered a joke like that from. Somehow, Asuka didn't seem like the manga reading type. I nodded dumbly, wondering privately what 'that book' was, before taking a few narcissistic moments to admire the reflection in the mirror... again.

I may have been quite possibly going slowly insane in the mind and soul, but at least the body was fitter and healthier than it had ever been.

I was dressing into my training gear, when Misato dropped in to say hello, good work, announce all bright and bubbly that she was cooking dinner since Shinji was staying with friends..

Asuka turned pale at that one, but I liked curried ramen...

She told told me that Dr. Akagi wanted to see me in her office after school tomorrow, instead of a sync test. I was expecting it, I knew what it was. A psych exam. She used 'Dr. Akagi' instead of Ritsuko, that just confirmed how serious it was, despite the smile on her face.

And then,

"Good news Asuka!"

"What?"

Asuka looked to be dreading what our guardian was about to say, and truth be told I didn't blame her.

"Your father will be in Japan for the weekend!"

"I see," said Asuka, showing a turkey's enthusiasm for Christmas. The fluff of lint on the back of her locker suddenly seemed more important than her own parents. It sucked the heat out of the room, replacing it with a cool, humid chill.

"He told me he'd like to watch you pilot too, and since we were planning on full-scale sparring matches to test equipment on Unit 03..."

Asuka's gaze darkened.

"Well naturally, you want the best pilot, otherwise it wouldn't be a fair test. And don't think for a minute Fourth that I'm going to be going easy on you,"

"Well, it wouldn't be...fair test. Unit 03 not close combat."

She'd tear me apart to prove a point, I was sure of it.

"It's a firearms test Noriko. Commander Langley wants to test some prototype weaponry to be deployed with Unit 04 when it's shipped"

Ooh... Prototype. Everybody knows prototypes and test types are better than the production models... Just ask Shinji. Or any super robot pilot.

"Well, a prog-knife and some skill will never run out of ammunition. This will be easy."

Appealing to her competitive side, Misato knew how to make Asuka play along, that was for sure. For my sake, I hoped she wouldn't be too enthusiastic.

"Don't try too hard to impress your father, we need to get some good data from Unit 03," Misato said, with a bright smile and half a wink.

"That won't be a problem," said Asuka, her voice losing all it's colour once more.

"Heh, don't have to go easy on me. Targeting computer better than all." I teased her back... well, tried to tease anyway.

The only answer I got was silence, punctuated by the slow drip...drip...drip of cold water down a shower drain. Spirit crushing silence, and a strange exchange of glances between Misato and Asuka.

That won't be a problem... She'd restrain herself from going berserker on me and tearing me to pieces just to impress her papa. That's how I'd understood it. I shrunk back into my locker to hide from the silence.

"Anyway," Misato killed it, sighing to herself, "The flight has already left Reagan airport, it'll be arriving in Tokyo-3 tomorrow. They're booked into the Railton Hotel for the weekend, so anytime you want to see him."

"Yeah,"

She wasn't going to. Getting her red headgear in it's proper place was more important to her than her father. I wondered what sort of man he was, for a moment, but I knew better than to open my trap again.

Misato would needle Asuka, trying to get her to at least see her father once... outside of 'work' hours anyway, while Asuka ballet-danced her way around the questions. It was and interesting thing to watch, but I got out of there before my mouth could cause troubles for me again.

I took a solitary train ride back to the surface... jogging up a 1-in-1 incline for a kilometre would probably have killed me. I jogged the rest of the way home in the evening sun, putting Unit 03 and Asuka's father and anything else that had been dredged up during the day out of my mind. Just take a shower in the cool evening air and let it carry my problems away.

I didn't know just how big a problem it was carrying towards me. Flying over the remains of Hawaii, was the Fifth Child.

**I...I**

It was the end of the week, and I had the Friday feeling. The traditional arts class I'd been enrolled in... because all the other good classes were taken... was boring as hell, and wasn't helped by a teacher who was widely regarded as being old enough to remember the Meiji restoration, but could never remember what she was saying from one moment to the next. Asuka beat on Shinji, Shinji 'forgot' her lunch on purpose, the same old same old. It sort of faded in the background. I borrowed Daisuke Mifune CD from Motoko;

_Cruel Angels Thesis._

Something interesting while I made my way to Franken-Frau's office. It was psych exam time and I was trying not to think about it. Time to put on the aura of being completely and utterly sane. What's the difference between a psychologist and a psychiatrist?

What happens if they think I'm not...competent to Pilot. Misato mentioned something about rehabilitation on the phone? Okay... I was perfectly sane... for now anyway. Rehabilitation? Does that mean they send me to some sort of Hospital, or just take me off the piloting roster until I'm more...stable?

I think I'm stable.

I sat on a lonely red chair in the corridor outside Akagi's office, tapping one foot on the floor impatiently. I probably should've changed out of my school uniform, but I had to be there on time... even if the Doctor didn't. At least it served to let me know who was the most important here.

In my opinion, I was mature for my age. I was uncomfortable with my gender, and I was terrified about discovering the disturbing truth about my past. I knew there was _a_ disturbing truth. There was always a disturbing truth. I had half an idea of what it might've been, aside from the crash, but I had no idea what would happen if I actually _remembered._ There's a big difference between knowing what happened, and remembering it

I gave a sharp exhale and lent back as far as I could, stretching my arms up over my head, the blood pressure of a passing tech going up a notch before he hurried on. Well, I couldn't exactly blame him, I suppose... I was pretty athletic...

And I would've killed for something to read. What better way to learn the Japanese writing system than to read manga? That's how I justified it to Misato. Truth was, I just 'enjoyed the artwork' so to say. Old habits die hard, I guess. Even if lately, most of it had begun to seem vaguely... uninteresting.

If anything, it seemed a bit more detached and unrealistic.

Maybe because H-doujins were geared more towards the male mindset which I knew full well I was getting further and further away from with every passing day. It was getting hard to see myself as anyone but Noriko... despite the fact that I knew better. Each time I looked in the mirror in the morning, I felt that I had been looking at the same face for the whole of my life, and not just for the one month.

And, truth be told, I smiled in the morning to greet myself.

Maybe this psych test wouldn't be so difficult? A few questions, some 'Did you hate your parents' analysis. I could probably guess what was going to come up, all I had to do was repeat the same answers about amnesia, and maybe a few other ass-pulls, and so long as I kept my stories consistent, I wouldn't have a problem.

Which is exactly what I thought going into my second year mechanics exam, which I ended up failing... badly.

"Sorry I'm late Noriko, we can begin now."

Dr. Akagi's voice, but no Doctor. Only a sudden draft, the buzz of a door opening and a rustling of paperwork marked her passing. I didn't even have a chance to stand up before the door closed.

I followed her in, to doctor lighting up a cigarette when the door closed again behind me. She didn't even look up, she just leafed through a heap of print-outs of god knows what. the office was still a disorganized mass of paperwork, files, cats, cigarette buts and cold coffee cups.

"Strip naked and wait for me on the bet behind that screen, I'll be with you in a few moments."

I just sighed and got on with it. Probably just taking the chance to give me a check-up. Her office may have been smoky, but it was also damn cold. Somebody like to have the air conditioning set somewhere around arctic.

On the other side of the curtain, the doctors shadow kept leafing through papers.

"Captain Katsuragi did tell you about the Fifth child arriving tomorrow?"

"Yeah," I said.

Well, the one good thing about the Tokyo-3 school uniform was that it was easy to get out off. Undo two buttons, shake it off your shoulders and let it crumple to a heap at your feet.

"And that you'll be performing tests with prototype weapons against Unit 02"

"Yes..."

Misato _had_ told me all of this. She really was a much better Guardian than the Doctor gave her credit for... more or less.

"And that the boy was raised at our facility in Germany. I'm told he's quite the _bishounen_. "

And that ruled Kensuke out right there. If he was from Germany, maybe Asuka would know him. I made a note to ask her when I got back.

"So, how is school anyway?"

"Fine... it's school. Nothing special."

And not much I wanted to say about it either

"What do you expect? Now just lay down on the bench, and I'll get started"

Dirty thoughts were warmer than cold vinyl, that was for sure. Cold enough to make the two thermometers to pop. Yeah... cold.

"Why are we doing this anyway?"

I'd prefer to still have clothes on in a cold concrete room.

"Well, we have to find a reason for the sudden spike in your sync ratio," she said, picking her favourite clipboard from beneath a stack of _Cattopia_ magazines, "It's unlikely to be anything physical, but I'd like to rule that out unequivocally first. Unless you can offer another suggestion?"

"No," I mumbled.

It was obvious what she was doing. She was shaming me into speaking. Well no! I would never talk. I would never tell. Doctor Akagi would just have to have her wicked way with me.

Hehe... I giggled at that thought.

"What's so funny?" she inquired, a puzzled look falling across her.

"Nothing" I chuckled, "Nothing at all." Just a H-doujin named _Housecall Heat_ featuring Rei and Ritsuko.

"Keep it to yourself then." There was something shiny in her hand. Stainless steel, with a menacing glint from an overhead light, and the reflection of a terrified naked girl. Just like _Housecall Heat_.

Silence... My lips were sealed. Resolve would save my day.

"Misato told me you had your period this last weekend..."

Snap. Alright... anything but that!

"The Eva did something weird," I muttered. As little information as possible, that's how to do it.

"Could you elaborate. Weird how?"

And she started her examinations anyway. I gave her a sour look. That wasn't how interrogations worked. I gave her the information she wanted... she didn't poke around my insides. That's how this sort of thing worked, right? The more I squeal, the less I scream. And all she was actually doing, was taking a skin sample from my leg. It was still a violation of the unspoken, unwritten and unmentioned code.

"It just...um..." how to describe this in less than a essay, "...got into my head."

"It's supposed to do that at high sync ratios. It's nothing to be alarmed about. You were startled, weren't you?"

I just nodded... Then twitched as her little tool bit another chunk off of a sensitive place on my shin.

"And what about it was so startling?"

"Well..."

I dithered on that, trying to think of some single way I could explain this without giving the truth away.

"It went into part of me, where I didn't want it to go to."

She hummed to herself, and continued poking and prodding me like a butcher pokes a cow before choosing the best cut.

"And what part might that be?"

Right as she went into another part of me I didn't want _her_ to go. My whole body twitched... cold... something and sensitive skin did not mix.

"Just stuff, nothing serious,"

"It's serious enough if it can cause a swing in sync ratio like that."

"It's not..." I tried to wave it off. "I just don't like it,"

If I could've crossed my arms. I would've. Just to underline the point.

"It is _very_ serious. If something similar were to happen in combat, to the point where your mind causes the EVA to shutdown," she pontificated, "it would be a dangerous situation,"

I glared at an air bubble on a ceiling tile. She was right, but in no way did I want to admit it. Go down that track, and there's only one place it would lead to. I gritted my teeth and screwed my lips together. She was right, technically. The Doctor stared at me over the edge of her clipboard, daring me to argue against her, and perhaps let slip some important detail, but I wasn't going to fall for that.

Silence fell, followed by a few a few more gruff pokes with something sharp, a new RFID tag in the shoulder, and a hospital gown was dropped on my lap, followed by some quick scratchings of a pen on a clipboard.

"Mammogram downstairs. IDS aswell," the Doctor ordered.

I sat up and frowned at the duck-egg coloured gown on my lap. No underwear, just paper between me and prying eyes.

"Can I wear a plugsuit instead?"

The question fell into a pit of silence, punctuated only the the rhythmic toc-toc-toc of a slow fan somewhere above that had chipped a blade.

"Interesting," said the Doctor. Almost as if a cell sample she had been studying did something slightly unusual. Not exactly worthy of a paper into itself, but certainly a paragraph or two, and a note somewhere down the bottom. She sucked on the end of her biro for a moment, considering something.

"It would take too long," she said.

I frowned, and she quirked a curious eyebrow back at me.

"Why not your uniform, if I may ask?"

Warily, I looked back at the crumpled heap of fabric sitting forlorn and unwanted on the floor. There was no real answer, just a preference, nothing more to it than that, and certainly nothing worth a second thought.

"I like it," I said. "It's comfortable,"

The doctor emitted a momentary hum, scratching another note onto her clipboard. Just another itty-bitty piece to a growing puzzle, one that was to be analysed and solved.

"It's also expensive, the gown will do for now. Unless you'd like to go nude..."

She flashed me a caustic grin over the lip of her clipboard. I answered with a dark scowl and a stiff lip. No... not a chance. A quick, rapid-fire glance between the gown and the doctor, and all will to resist crumbled. Why bother anymore? It's not worth it. With a resigned sigh, I pulled the light paper garment over my head. Just get this over with and get me home.

"Why do Angels never appear when I want them to," I mumbled.

"Excuse me?"

"Never mind..."

"It's not far. Down two levels to room RB26,"

That was easy for her to say. She was fully dressed. That same powder blue zip-sweater, knee length battleship-grey pencil skirt and dark tights combination she always wore beneath her lab coat. Every inch the professional woman. Was it a uniform? Or just a mind to occupied with bigger things to worry about choosing what to wear day to day?

Following her through the uniform corridors of NERV HQ, I couldn't help but remember those cheap B-movies, where the amoral scientist would put some poor unfortunate orphan through a hundred hellish experiments, with the final result being a half-insane superhuman with psionic powers and the ability to be the most dangerous thing in the 'verse.

Or being able to outfight Asuka, outshoot Misato, outcute Rei and generally save the world. That's what I'd be. Fit and Fighting. And with a few drops of Asuka's confidence and..._somebody..._I wasn't sure...who on my arm. Confident and strong, cutting a fine figure against a blue sky in a skintight plugsuit, long black hair billowing in the wind.

Oh well... It kept my mind off the techs watching me pass, or Ritsuko demanding 'Object PS4C-009' be delivered to the examination room.

"Nervous?" the Doctor inquired

"Cold," I shivered.

"The heating in the exam room is working, now hurry up. I have a meeting in a hour"

Room RB26, another room among thousands. Another room filled with ice-white machinery I didn't quite understand. It smelled of oil, and that same eye-watering pine disinfectant that seemed more suited to a hospital, than a military base. There was an actual linoleum floor beneath my feet, buffed and polished to a perfect shine. A workstation computer squatted in the corner, powered on and showing lines of kibble I couldn't, and didn't really want to. Beside it, wrapped in it's vacuum package, a fresh yellow plugsuit. The only dirt in the room was the concrete grit on the souls of my feet, which I was tersely instructed to rub off on some antiseptic laced mat.

Vivisection time.

"Take your gown off, and lay on the pallet beside the machine to your right," ordered the Doctor, leaving no room for discussion. "The less you move on the pallet, the less time the scan will take,"

More cold, slick vinyl which stuck to my equally cold skin. Exam room heating, my backside, it was just as cold here as anywhere else in this place.

"Don't be alarmed by the machine starting, and don't hold you're breath, breath normally"

"I'm not blonde," I deadpanned.

"And neither am I," the Doctor answered with an alto chuckle.

I just growled and lay there as servos began to whine around me. The whole machine buzzed and vibrated as it started to move, a heavy metal ring with some form of rotating scanner bolted to it. Unsettlingly, it sounded like preflight on an airliner. The scanner came to life with a jet roar, and a bolt of panic ran through my body.

"Don't move," ordered the doctor.

I gritted my teeth and closed my eyes. My breath came shallow and quick. It's just messing with my head that's all. Why does it have to be so dry in here? A cold sweat prickled across my skin as the machine began to move. It's just my mind playing tricks, nothing more. Mind playing tricks... mind playing tricks.

"You won't feel a thing, don't worry," Ritsuko said, but doctors never meant that.

My eyes were closed, but I could sense the monocular scanner slowly tracing itself over the curves of my body. I could feel the cold draft as it's electronic eye passed around my hips and up along my arm, whirring menacingly beside my head.

The doctor was discussing things with the computer terminal in front of her. It wasn't English, it wasn't Japanese, it was some sort of doctor language. Apoptosis, osmosis, and a hundred other -sis's I just didn't understand, but were absolutely fascinating to the faux-blonde.

"Misato tells me you have a box of possessions recovered from the crash, they should help with that problem of yours."

I gave nothing but an uninterested "Uh..". Another topic I didn't want to discuss.

"Physical objects from a persons past have been a useful recovery tool in similar cases."

"Uh-huh," was all I gave back.

"There was one woman in Hokkaido who suffered from an amnesia very similar to yours for quite some time. A similar sort of head injury, but less severe," she noted. "What eventually let to her recovery, was a photograph of a pet dog she once had as a child,"

Why couldn't she see that I just wasn't interested? Why did she have to push this particular topic?

"I'm quite content with where I am," I stated factually, hoping it'd be enough to change her track.

"And why is that?"

And the answer to that was a story in itself. The answer to that would have me locked up as a lunatic. I fidgeted as the scanner swept beneath me.

"I just am,"

"Well," huffed the doc, "I'd imagine that I _personally_, would like to know who I've been,"

There was something comforting about that. I was beginning to irritate her. And it served her right.

"I don't think it's important,"

"And why not?"

"It just isn't,"

That's my opinion. I'm not being drawn into an argument on it.

"These tests will take a lot longer if you aren't more conversational," she warned, her voice turning sour. Well good, let her get mad.

Silence, broken only by a sharp hiss as the doctor drew a quick breath through her teeth, and the ever-present whir of the scanner.

"I just don't want to talk about myself," I said, drawing a line under it.

"There's not much else to talk about,"

"There's the testing tomorrow," I tried to change the topic.

"There will be a briefing file prepared by the time you leave. It will detail the weapons and the tests to be performed."

And that's all I'll get, I sensed.

"Do you enjoy being an Eva Pilot?"

"Of course," I smiled back, relaxing on the bench. Success.

Another one of those curious "Hmmm's" of hers. What was so fascinating about me enjoying being an EVA pilot.

"I don't know exactly why... I just like being a Pilot."

"Well, if we can't find an answer in these tests, that may be subject to review,"

Oh what a deliciously veiled threat that was, I thought bitterly. And the really infuriating thing was, it wasn't in any way an empty threat. I wasn't dumb enough to think it was.

"Not being very subtle..." I mumbled under my breath,

"And neither are you," the Doctor shot back. "You're deliberately avoiding my questions, and being so obvious about it that it is _quite_ clear to me that any answer you give, you think will be more harmful than outright refusal,"

Nailed it in one. Dammit she was so much smarter than me. The scanner lurched to a halt beneath my head, before running back on it's track on whining servos. The sound strained the ears as a building tension strained the room.

"I just don't want to talk about it. That's it?"

"And it's my job to find out why."

She swiveled around on her chair, crossing her legs as she turned to face me, fixing me with a sour glare. Her ever-present clipboard and pen sat on the worktop, beside a workstation PC with the outline of a teenager's body on it.

"The others can keep their secrets," I noted bitterly. "Why can't I?"

I sat up, and fixed her with a deadly stare as Akagi's visage darkened into angry scowl.

"None that might have an affect on their ability to do their job," Her voice was cold and deadly hard. "And it is expected that if that were the case, they would take constructive steps to deal with it."

"I am dealing with it!" I snapped back, then stuttered. If there was a line, I had the dread feeling I might've just crossed it. Whatever breeze there was, dropped from my sails. "I mean...something..."

Em... I threw a nervous glance at the machine beside me, then to the locked door.

"Yes." pushed the doctor, her features softening slightly in a way that just unnerved me even more.

Had she planned that?

"Well..." I swallowed, feeling myself standing at the thin end of a very long branch. I didn't know if I should be angry, or afraid of the woman sitting across the floor for me. I _wanted_ to be angry, I wanted some of Asuka's fury and confidence, just to come out with something...

The air was laden with an expectant silence.

She'd gotten me up against the wall alright. I couldn't dodge out, I couldn't refuse. I had to answer. I had to give her something.

"I um..." My mouth had gone desert dry. "Well... I just don't want to because..." I stuttered, trying to say _something_..."I don't...want to... because," it was catching on the back of my throat. There had to be an answer I could give. I couldn't tell the truth. That'd lead to another why, and another, and a one way ticket to a solitary cell. Padded or not, depended on if she believed me.

"What?"

Tendrils of irritation crept back into her voice.

"I am...em..."

There was nothing I could say that wouldn't lead to another 'why' then another, and another. And I just can't deal with that, alright. And I can't even tell her that. It was frustrating, it was infuriating. I wanted Misato...

Ritsuko sighed, "Just put your chest in the scanner over there and _don't_ fidget,"

I plodded across the floor to another white machine. I'd done this before anyway. At least thing where quite, except for the machine whirring away to itself. It would come up clean, of course, there would never be any doubt about that. The only thing it'd pick up was a small aluminium rivet that was so deep inside, it wasn't worth getting out.

I certainly couldn't feel it when I squeezed them, and there wasn't even the smallest mark. It wasn't the only metalwork under my skin anyway. My legs had more rivets holding them together than the Titanic. Given all the running I got up to, I hoped whoever'd done it, had done a better job than that old jallopy.

The doctor didn't say a word, that wasn't required by the test. Maybe she was plotting a new angle of attack, maybe I'd given her the information she needed, or maybe...hopefully, she'd just given up. I could stand there and hope, and weld my mouth shut just in case I 'volunteered' something.

The woman exuded irritation as she worked, noting things down as she went.

"I'm going to have to have a talk with Misato about your attitude," she said. And she would enjoy badmouthing me to my guardian, wouldn't she? "But it's too late to cancel tomorrow's certification tests. If there is is another 'anomaly' like yesterday, without proper explanation, then we may have to retire Unit 03 to reserve status, along with it's pilot."

I wasn't sure whether to be afraid of her, or not. I didn't know what to think. My body was shivering, and I don't think it was the cold anymore. It might've been the Siberian gaze Ritsuko had fixed me with. I didn't even look at her, staring down at my feet instead.

"Is there anything else you'd like to say for yourself?"

I had the right to remain silent, and I intended to use it. Anything I did say, can and will make things worse anyway at that stage.

"If that's the case, get suited up and get down to the simulator system. There's still over an hour left to run with the testing down there."

I was just thankful that it was over. I was left alone to change, while the doctor rushed off to another appointment. Get this test over with, get home, get fed and get to bed.

The plugsuit was comfortable. I was so confident of myself walking down to the simulator system, it was almost funny. I didn't mind the way the odd tech would snatch a glance. In that plugsuit, I was the 4th Children. I was an Evangelion Pilot. I knew exactly who and what I was.

And, thinking about it, maybe that might've been the reason I liked to wear it so much.

Unit 03 didn't do anything strange, not this time anyway. She was there, watching me still, but kept a comfortable distance. I could relax for a while and just enjoy the peace of it.

**I...I**

I jogged home as usual, weapons briefing stashed in a light grey folder in my backpack. I took the stairs instead of the lift, as usual. My keycard worked, as usual. I left my runners at the door, before skate-sliding my way along the same varnished wood floor as always. It wasn't an elegant glide, but it was more interesting than walking. Dinner was cooking, the air charged with the tang of fried ginger.

"_If I can't have you all to myself, I don't want anything else from you,"_ the television declared.

Half a mop of rust coloured hair was spread across the couch. "This film is stupid," snorted it's owner, stabbing at the television with the presser. Next channel...

Some pots where bubbling away merrily on the cooker, watched over by a mesmerised and hungry penguin. My stomach growled at the thought of food. Him and me both. It smelled like pork. Ribs? I wondered, liking my lips.

The chef himself was pecking away at the keyboard of his grey school laptop, poking at the same maths homework thing I'd done in class. The boy had his back to me, the words "Ikari 03" printed on his replica football Jersey. I wasn't sure what team it was from, no team I knew use purple and white as their colours.

"I'm Home"

It still came out as Tahdoyma. My accent was still so much heavier than my frame.

"Welcome Home," Shinji answered.

He didn't even look up from his work.

Asuka gave a half hearted wave over the back of the couch, then carried on kangarooing through all ten channels. Flick...flick...flick. The television post-Second Impact wasn't really that different to the rest of the world. It looked impressive at a quick glance, but when you got anyway close, you could see just how cheap and tacky it was. The actors were real, but half the sets were cardboard, and the others didn't exist anywhere but on some computer's harddisk.

"Welcome home, Noriko," another voice answered, appearing from Misato's room. She had her red beret and command jacket on, along with a devils grin on her face. Something was very, very wrong.

"Doctor Akagi called me at my office before I left, I wonder if you have any idea what she might've talked to me about?"

Oh...

"Nothing," I muttered,

"That's not what she said," said Misato, her sinister smile holding firm. "A childish attitude towards a superior?"

Misato might only have been four inches taller than me, but I suddenly felt half her size. Asuka's curious face appeared over the edge of the sofa, Shinji finally peeked over the lid of his laptop. The vultures were circling.

"Well," I composed myself, trying to at least generate some sense of righteous indignity,"She asked questions I didn't like,"

"Which was her job," staated Misato, her voice hardening chillingly, "And she told me you knew what she was trying to do, and that you deliberately tried to get in her way,"

Asuka was stuffling a giggle. I just wanted to run... somewhere.

"Well now, as your commanding officer, it's my duty to punish you, Pilot,"

She was enjoying it. The grin and wagging finger told me so. I _hated_ Ritsuko Akagi so much.

"Trash duty, for the next two months. And if your attitude doesn't improve, perhaps some classroom lessons in proper Japanese politeness will help"

The judges gavel fell, and I just nodded silently, before moping over to the couch. It could've been worse. Rubbish was no big deal, but 'politeness classes'. She knew well how to threaten me. It wasn't fair... It just wasn't fair.

I sat beside Asuka, brooding. The TV chattered away to itself.

"What did you do to piss the Doctor off so much?" Asuka enquired. "She spent ten-minutes chewing Misato out while I had to wait in the car with Shinji,"

"I didn't think I was that annoying,"I stated defensively.

"Well, because of _you_, I had to spend ten minutes on the back seat of Misato's car with Shinji,"

I supressed a horrid giggle at that. Dirty minds...

"What?" the German girl blinked quizzically. "Ack!" she spat. "Not like that Fourth! Such a perverted little _boy, _he was forcing himself not to look at me the whole time we were there, but it was obvious how much he wanted to stare at me. He tried to deny it, but I was watching him the whole time,"

A soft groan drifted over from the direction of the kitchen, followed by the crack and fiss of a beer can being opened.

"He can't help it, he's a boy," I shrugged treasonously.

That reminded me of something.

"Asuka, you trained at NERV's German base, right?"

"What are you, stupid, Of course I did,"

I blew off a mild sting of irritation at that.

"Well, Unit 04's Pilot is supposed to have trained there too, Akagi told me...em... I was just wondering if you met him is all?"

"A German boy she said?" Asked asuka rhetorically, but I still nodded anyway. "I trained to be a pilot since before NERV was called NERV, and I don't remember ever hearing about another candidate, even for EVA's Five and Six,"

She paused, staring off in the direction of an old Sony CD player beside the television.

"There _was_ a girl I met once, for some aptitude test or something, but that was before..." another pause, followed by a strange controlled breath."I was even selected to pilot. I was told to beat her, so I did,"

Asuka sighed,

"When I found out I was to be a pilot, I always thought that she was also candidate for Second Child who'd failed somehow. But, there were no boys that I remember, the only other children were too old, or too young"

Something seemed oddly familar about that, a gut feeling that was hard to ignore. I'd done similar testing when I myself had been a kid.

"Akagi definitely told me he'd been raised at NERV's German facility," I confirmed for the benefit of both of us, "And that he's supposed to be quit the _bishounen_,_"_

"Well, I've never heard of him," she stated confidantly, "And I knew just about everybody at Bielfield."

" There's no other bases in Germany?," I said, running over the list of facilities in my mind, just to make double sure.

"Nope," Soryhu shook her head.

"No other bases that we've deemed it necessary for you two to know about," Misato chimed in a wave of beer breath. "There's a lot of information about NERV that's 'Need to Know' and you two don't need to know"

Myself and Asuka exchanged glances. Despite Misato's playful tone, there was something terribly unsettling about that.

"So why was he trained at a base we didn't know about?" demanded Asuka.

Same question I wanted to ask

"Security," Misato smiled back. "And that's all I can tell you., I'm afraid. I knew about Noriko here, two months before you even arrived Asuka,"

.

The pair of us glanced at each other for a moment, then at Misato. Just because the two of us knew about the EVA's, didn't mean there wouldn't be a hell of a lot more goings on deep within the bowels of NERV than they would ever tell us. And I began to realise that there was more than was even shown suring the series actually going on. Maybe the Angels might remain the same, but this new pilot, this new Eva, they would change nearly everything else. Maybe for the better.

"As soon as a candidate child is found, I receive their file," Misato continued

"But if this boy was raised and trained at a NERV base, the wouldn't he be a lower numbered Child than Fifth?," Asuka countered. "We're designated in the order we're found, so he would've have to have been found _after_ the Fourth child,"

"Ummm..." Misato faltered, and Asuka grinned a savage, almost predatory grin. Our guardian glanced down into the maw of her beercan for a moment, then fixed her gaze on Asuka.

Never underestimate how truly intelligent the Second Child actually was. It made me smile. Even if this was the last place I'd expected my little question to go. Asuka was only supposed to answer Yes or No.

"Well..."

"The pilots are designated in the order they are assigned to an Evangelion." stated Misato. "Not in the order of discovery,"

It was such an obvious ass-pull, even I could spot it. That meant Asuka definitely knew it was. Why would Misato want to lie to us? A dark frown crossed Asuka's features, and I feared she'd try and push the issue, I even expected her to, but she had more sense than that.

"Alright," she said simply, "He better be as cute as I've heard though. I need somebody more interesting than boring Shinji,"

There came another groan from the kitchen and the point died there, to Misato's visible relief.

"Oh, Shinji. I've heard he's looking forward to meeting you personally,"

"Who?" Shinji's head rose over the lid of his laptop once more

"The Fifth Child, Shinji. He's coming tomorrow," Misato answered him.

"Oh,"

And with that, Shinji returned to his work, Misato returned to her beer, Asuka returned to her channel surfing, and I returned to pondering this Fifth Child, and who he just might be. In anyways, I'd find out tomorrow.

And two extra EVA's and pilots could only be a good thing, when it came to crunch time, right? It couldn't be too bad.

I...I

I didn't know what impulse drove me to do it at 3am in the morning, but before I knew what exactly I was doing, I was on my feet and slowly padding my way through the apartment. I didn't know why, I didn't even try and rationalise it with myself, I just knew that I was going to face that stupid cardboard box right now, and that would be it.

Over and done with.

I could stare right into the plastic packing foam and only confirm my own identity. This will be easy.

Beside me, Asuka mumbled her way through another dream...or nightmare. Only Asuka knew, and she probably wouldn't remember in the morning anyway. I didn't dare wake her, a violent death awaited those who did. From Shinji's room, came a snore that reminded me of an overloaded tractor struggling up a series of steep hills. There was a long clagging draw up, followed by a sharp sigh of mechanical relief. From Misato's room, a shaft of light speared across the polished floor, and out into the living area, picking out the edge of the couch, a pair of tights crumpled in a heap on the ground, before finally glinting off the frame of a picture on the wall.

It didn't matter if the light was on, Misato always slept with the light on. Once, the bulb in her room blew, and she stayed awake all night watching television, instead of sleeping.

I sighed, asking myself if this was the right thing or not. I knew it wasn't, but I knew I had to do this now. I _had_ to make this a non issue. Akagi might've been right, and it sickened me to almost admit it to myself. I had to deal with this, and the best way to do that, was to open that box.

Pandora's box.

I sighed, and steeled myself. This was the right thing to do. This was something I had to do. Bollox to it, where did Misato stash that bloody box? She goes out of her way to make it hard for me to ignore the thing, and then when I finally want it, I can't find it.

"Damn it," I snarled, rifling through the contents of the hot press. Under the water heater, hidden by towels and dancewear was... a box. Full of old shoes.

"Where is it?"

I sat down in the kitchen for a moment, my body wet with sweat. I didn't know if it was from fear, or from the heat of the water tank, or what. It was boiling hot in here. I flicked a few strands of damp hair off of my shoulders and tried to think.

Misato wouldn't have put it in her own room, would she?

I glanced over at the door. No way I could get in and out of there without waking her. Oh well, maybe I should just put it off until tomorrow. Get some sleep? Or some stress relief? No stress relief. I wasn't in the mood for it in any way at all.

I stood up... adjusting my underwear just in case sombody was watching. And then, there it was, nestled between the television, and the balcony door. The residential district of Tokyo-3 glittered in the night outside, trapped heat rising out of the concrete and steel buildings. The fortress buildings in the city centre stood apart, cloacked in their own darkness, except for pulsing red navigation lights on their rooves.

The city lights spilling through the glass-plate door highlighted the DHL box clearly in the dim living room. In the early morning gloom, it looked impossibly evil, a malevolant midnight purple cube, with a glint of a white label in one corner.

A chilling dread washed over me, followed by a firm sense of purpose.

I _will_ do this.

I picked the box up, not to light, not to heavy. My heart hammered inside my chest, a frozen sweat condensing across my brow. I was shivering cold, and scorching hot at the same time. Too hot tho stay inside. Taking the box under one arm, I pulled the balcony door open with the other, the oil-starved runners giving a surprised squeal of pain as the moved.

The chill of the night rushed in and embraced me. I'd always preferred the cold to the heat. Heat always drained my energy, but the cold seemed almost to stoke me and drive me forward. The night was crisp and cool, with the scent of cheap washing powder carried on a gentle breeze from the drying clothes on the line outside. The moon was hiding behind some low cloud, but I could see well enough by the city light.

I steppped through the door, concrete grit scratching at my feet. And cool breeze lapped between my legs, sending a cold shiver bolting up my spine, and I wondered for a moment if going outside wearing nothing but white cotton panties and a t-shirt was a good idea.

I dropped myself down onto the plastic sunbed, placing the box carefullly on the ground at my feet.

And then I stopped.

And stared at it.

It seemed to stare back, as if a box could do that. A torn strip of parcel tape hung loose off the side, the flaps of the lid cracked open ever so slightly. Inside was only pure darkness. Terrifying, freezing darkness.

Darkness that threatened to erase my very identity.

I _wanted_ to move, but my body just refused. I just sat, and stared. I didn't think about it, I didn't think about anything at all. My mind was locked up as solid as my body. So I just sat there on that sunbed and stared at it. Maybe if I stared long enough, it would open itself.

"This is stupid," I told myself.

"Sitting outside on a cold night, wearing only your underwear, that's stupid," a voice stated beside me.

Standing in the doorway was Misato, looking down at the box at my feet.

"I told you I was a light sleeper," she said warmly. "I heard you open the balcony door, and thought you were about to throw the box over the rail,"

I took a quick look over the edge, ten stories down to a sodium-orange street below, and wondered why I hadn't actually done that.

"I wanted open it," I told her

"You could have picked a better time,"

Misato was calm, she didn't seem annoyed at all. Her voice was safe, reassuring, trustworthy.

"I woke up wanting to," I said. "No back to sleep without open,"

"But you didn't..."

Because? She didn't ask straight up, she left it for me to chose to answer if I wanted, or if I could.

"If I did...em...maybe..."

And I didn't know where I was going to go with that. A cool silence decended on the pair of us, a gentle breeze rustling Misato's nightdress. It hung so loose from her body, it might almost have blown off by a stronger gust. My gaze tracked down her legs, then across the concrete floor to the box, still sitting there.

"You're afraid of what's in it," finished Misato. "And how it might affect you,"

Silence.

I nodded. "How you guess?"

"Experience," she chuckled softly, throwing me a knowing wink.

I wasn't tense, I wasn't afraid. I was a lot more comfortable than I thought I should've been. Misato was so much nicer than the Doctor, Misato could be trusted. Misato wouldn't harm me. Oh well, here goes...

"I...um...I open this and memory might come back." I said, trying to wing it. "I really am not wanting to remember now, it..."

No, I couldn't say why.

Misato sighed again,

"That's your choice to make, Noriko," she said her tone cooling slightly. "It might seem the safe option, but in the long run, you might find you regret it more that you didn't than..."

I nodded,

"But well..." how do I put this? "I want to move forward. I do not want to remember, because might end up...em...stuck in past and stay."

Well, that was the only way I could really say it. I watched as Misato thought about it, almost pleading that she didn't push it any further, or that she might understant what I was trying to say.

"You can't move forward, if you don't know what's behind you." she said, very slowly, very deliberately, each word carefully chosen. "You might think that you're taking a step in the right direction, but without knowing where you've been, how can you know where you're going? How do you know you aren't just doubling back, and dooming youself to retread the same path over and over again? If you don't know your mistakes, how can you learn from them, how can you be sure that you're not just endlessly repeating them?"

I didn't know what to do, or say. I drew a long breath in through my nose. I knew what she was saying. I knew if I'd been 'normal' she would've been right. And I wasn't sure she wasn't right anyway. The sky behind the mountains was beginning to brighten ever so slightly. The inside of the box was still jet black.

I stared into it once more.

Should I?

"But, it's not for tonight, Noriko. It's late, so get to bed, tomorrow will be a long day. Remember, we have to be at the Geofront by 9 a.m."

Her soothing smile returned.

"Yeah, I understand." I smiled back.

I stood up again, shivering in the cold, taking the box under my arm again. I gave one last glance inside before stepping back inside the apartment. A flash, a glint of silver deep in the black, caught in the light spilling from Misato's room

"That's it," I screeched, Misato nearly jumping out of her clothes with fright.

I punched my arm in towards the glint, gripping something cold and metallic. I pulled it free, a few stray beads of packing foam following it onto the floor. My bracelet, the same one I'd taken out weeks earlier. Blued and scorched stainless steel, with my name engraved on a burned plate, some of the letters picked out in soot.

"What?" Misato spun round, concern written across her features.

"This," I grinned back, holding the steel bracelet up to here. "This what I wanted Misato,"

My guardian bliinked owlishly, as if to say 'Is that all?' And, strangely, it was. I closed it around my arm, the latch giving a sharp metallic snap as it closed around my left rise. That was the right place for it.

I was so glad to have it, and I had no idea why.

"Goodnight Noriko," Misato said, dissapearing into her rooms light, before the door closed behind her and sealed me in darkness.

"Night," I answered, but I doubt she heard me. I heard the thud as she dropped back onto her bed.

And there I was, with Shinji still snoring away behind the door beside me. I left the box back where I'd gotten it from, then went back to bed. I kept the bracelet on my arm as I slipped back down under my bedsheets.

Nice and warm.

Asuka shuddered beside me, tossing in her bed. She never did sleep easy. I flicked my wrist, listening to the bracelets metallic clack before I turned over to face the wall, and drifted off into a restful sleep.

Tomorrow was going to be a long day alright. An entertaining long I wasn't going to be taking that bracelet off again unless I could help it. Why it was so special that I had to get up in the middle of the night to get it, I had no idea. I'd no idea what had even sparked the desire.

But it was too late to worry about it, and it just wouldn't seem as big a deal in the morning.

I...I

And that's that. After nearly 1 whole year, and about 20 pages of false starts, this is done. 40-odd pages of .odt. Maybe, it could've done without the Haruhi bits... but I wanted some comic relief, and real life is full of weirder people.

Don't forget to R+R folks... please... with sugar on it :(

-Dartz


	10. Cracking up

New Perspective Evangelion

I don't own NGE, somebody else does  
Stuff might be mentioned that's copyright  
I don't own it either  
It's just a bit of fun anyway.

**I…I**

They locked the three of us in a small presentation room, myself, Asuka and Misato. The room itself was barely big enough to fit Misato's Alpine inside, and most of what space there was, was taken up by a fibreboard conference table, covered in cheap veneer. I sat myself between Misato and Asuka, not really deliberately so. It didn't matter anyway, all the chairs where the same folding black-plastic bum-numbers.

I sat there, boiling in a cauldron of shame and self consciousness. While Captain Katsuragi was stunning her full dress uniform, an elegant combination of navy and wine with silver trim, along with a slightly too small forage cap, Asuka and I had been stuck into general fatigues... the same tan uniform the bridge bunnies enjoyed.

The blouse was fine. Light and airy, even if the fibres were a little coarse and some of the stitching on the red shoulder pads tickled with loose threads. The belt clasped firmly around the waist and the red beret with was neat, even if my hair had to be tied back to meet regulations nobody else seemed to bother with. The flat shoes, I could live with despite them trying to slip off my feet constantly. Even the opaque white tights I found disturbingly comfortable.

I hated the miniskirt.

"Now then, this is a proper military occasion," Misato continued with her last minute briefing. "Remember your actual ranks, Lieutenants. Remember to stand and salute, and remember to use proper title to superior officers. You're in the military now."

Misato grinned, and Asuka clearly loved it. Misato was to be Captain Katsuragi, Asuka to be Lieutenant Sorhyu, and I was only Second Lieutenant Nagato. We were 'officers' because we were pilots. Asuka had a pair of golden-plastic fig leaves on each of her shoulder straps, I had one. We even had our own sidearms, to keep the military theme going. The Five-seveN in the holster on my hip still weighed heavy despite being unloaded. NERV was determined to show the world it was a genuine military force.

The gun felt like a plastic toy, not a real weapon.

The base' air conditioning parched the air, leaving our mouth's like deserts. There was supposed to be a catering service with water, tea, coffee and sandwiches, but that wouldn't arrive until after our guests.

"Also, try to remember the proper names and titles of our visitors from the US Air Force, who own the Nevada test facility, and our test staff," our commanding officer carried on, "Brigadier General Johnston, Major Arizona and Lieutenant Roberts, and of course our own Doctor Langley and Captain Shikinami,"

Asuka twitched and fidgeted in her chair for a second, while I considered an old fanfiction I'd just been reminded of by one of the officers' names. And here I was living it...

I fiddled with the bracelet on my arm for a few minutes, thinking about the previous night with Misato. I thought about what she'd said for a brief moment, and the box waiting for me at home. After the test, she was going to drag me kicking and screaming through the contents of that box, for better or worse for my sanity.

There was more to my guardian than beer, boobs and the occasional tease... she was so much smarter than anyone would dare give her credit for, her warming big-sister aura hiding a mind that seemed wisened beyond her years. She was right about _one thing_ that made me feel better, maybe there were other things….

My thoughts starting rolling towards a rather unsettling conclusion, and I jumped track's abruptly.

"No name for 5th Child?" I questioned.

"It's a surprise," Misato grinned back at us. "I want to let him introduce himself,"

"Fine, be like that." I snarled, pouting.

She stuck her tongue out at me.

And sometimes, Misato could almost be a teenage girl...

I sighed, leaning back on my chair, shoddy plastic creaking under my weight. I wanted to see this Pilot and get it over with, then having some fun getting my ass handed to me by Asuka in Unit 02, and blowing simulated kaiju up with simulated weapons for twelve hours. That would be fun. Not sitting here bored to death by latecomers, but actually blowing stuff up...

Stuff blowing up was always fun. It appealed to the baser instincts within.

The briefing papers were dry... a new railgun that took its power from the EVA's batteries seeming the only interesting thing. There a lot of stuff about how the proposed Unit 04 was supposed to work in tandem with Unit 03, something about trying to replicate the successes of the 7th Angel and some sort of ballistic missile system.

So somebody had decided it would be a good idea to have me work closely together with the new male pilot, who'd been described as _bishounen_ by at least three different people. Were people purposely trying to confuse me even more? I was already a bit whimsical in the brainpan, and I got the feeling that people were looking at me as the least stable of the four pilots…and the least competent. The sword of Damocles was hanging over my fledgling career and my own self identity was under siege thanks to my body.

Never underestimate the ability of this world to screw with your head, I told myself, and never underestimate its ability to let you do most of its work for you.

Doctor Akagi breezed in through the door... the same way she always seemed to... she was always in a hurry, rushing from place to place as if someone was chasing her with a gun.

"They will be coming shortly, the briefing with the Commander ran long," stated the Doctor brusquely, "Now remember, we have to make a good impression on these people... the Commander is trying to secure the release of Unit 04. General Johnston has the ear of the US government; they will likely follow his final recommendation. Five Evangelions will make our lives so much easier."

"Five Eva's... a person could take over the world with that sort of power," Joked Misato..."Mister Bond,"

Her impression of Blofeld however, was sorely lacking. The Cheshire cat grin killed it. I appreciated the delicious irony in her words. Especially compared to the last time I'd heard them in animation.

"That's exactly what's bothering the Americans, Misato." chided Ritsuko, "They're afraid we will use EVA technology against them, once the Angels have been defeated"

"They're being morons," scoffed Nerv's tactical director, "The EVA is a defensive weapon only, relying on a specific pilot, with an extremely limited run-time away from an extremely limited cable-length, only available within the limits of this city. _And, _as I recall, that's why the Security Council demanded we limit the battery life of the Eva's in the first place, to stop half the world pointing ICBM's at us."

"They did that _on purpose?_" Asuka blurted out, taking the words straight off my own tongue. Thief. "What if we don't have electric power?"

"Yes, they did," confirmed the doctor sourly, "We have 20 minute removable backups incase that happens, but with three backup power supplies for the city itself, and priority to the Eva supplies, they should never be necessary,"

I snickered quietly into my hand, trying desperately to just sit there quiet.

"What's so funny?"

"Never say never," I giggled, grinning stupidly.

The woman just looked at me, bemused for a second.

"A total power failure is impossible; it could only be done on purpose by someone with specific knowledge of our system,"

"Person who built Titanic say sinking it is impossible too." I countered. The Titanic was built by professionals, the Pacific continent by amateurs.

Akagi just glared at me. I win. Haha. Or I would win whenever the next Angel got its arse around to showing up. She didn't like me anyway. Of course, I had the benefit of fore-hindsight, and I was going to smugly revel in it. Sitting back down into my chair I could sense the irritation radiating off of Akagi, and I lapped it up. It occurred to me that maybe I was being a little childish about it, but fuck that... I was technically 14; I was still entitled to be childish if I wanted to be... Or Noriko was... or something.

"Noriko," pressed Misato crossly.

I didn't answer her.

Shinji was doing that gamer club thing with Kensuke, as he did every Saturday. Apparently, it started off as Misato's idea, but he'd seemed pretty enthused about it himself this morning. I knew where I'd rather be. Given a choice between gamers rolling D20's to meet in an imaginary tavern, and sitting through a dry, braindead military briefing, there was no choice.

I sat there gently fingering strands of hair, forking them apart, twirling them through my fingers, tying half loops and loose knots which fell out under their own weight. A day later, or so it seemed...time flies when you're having fun... the door was pushed open by some red-capped non-com outside.

"In here sirs," said the non-com.

I recognised him...I did see him regularly guarding the main gates...but I'd never found out his name. Well, everyone knows what happens to NPC's who never get named. The old roleplayers maxim made me wonder, was he the same man stabbed in the back when the JSSDF invaded... or when they will invade?

That's not something to think about! I squelched the thought hard.

4 men, 1 woman, and a boy marched in.

I hiccuped, nearly screaming when I saw him. A stunned shudder ran through my body, a bolt of terror, a shock of fury and a thrill of confusion.

Why was _he_ here?

There was no-one else he could be... Not with that alabaster skin, not with those blood red eyes and not with his rough, concrete toned hair. The Fifth Children stood opposite me, wearing an emotionless smile... his eyes stared right into me, filled with what I saw as demonic malice. He wore the same...or similar uniform as me, the same style beret, the same rank insignia on his collar, replacing only the skirt with slack trousers.

I'd seen him before, in my dreams... or nightmares.

"Stand," whispered Captain Katsuragi, "And salute,"

I nearly tripped, feeling about ready to trip. I fumbled a little, drawing a dark glare from Asuka from ruining her martial perfection. It's not my fault. The uniformed men, answered in kind. They towered over us, a head and shoulders taller than Misato or Ritsuko. I suddenly realised just how small I was. Even the boy, the Fifth Children, had a few inches on me.

And still he was smiling that God awful smile.

"Gentlemen," Ritsuko spoke up, snapping me out of it. "To my right, is Captain Misato Katsuragi, Director of Operations, and Third in Command," Misato bowed, "Lieutenant Asuka Langley Sorhyu, Pilot of Evangelion Unit 02," Asuka nodded, a smirk on her face., "And Finally, Second Lieutenant Noriko Nagato, Pilot of Evangelion Unit 03,"

And she was emphasising 'Second'. I smiled warmly, forcing my attention away from the child. He wasn't there, he was a figment of my imagination, some kooky hallucination... that bastard brought me here, now he was fucking with my head!

Back to work... be official. Ignore him... or it...

"It's a pleasure to meet you ladies," bowed the first of the Americans, General Johnston according to has name-tag. He was a warm man, his voice have a soft, southern edge to it. He reminded me so much of Colonel Sanders it wasn't funny. Same hair, same beard, even the same confederate gentleman personality.

I wondered if it was all an act, or if he really was the personification of the lost mom-and-pop image of the good 'ol US. If it wasn't for the blue uniform... straight out of Stargate… I'dve sworn he was just another average Joe.

"I am General Carl Johnston of the United States Air Force, Commanding officer of Groom Lake Airforce base."

The man on his left, opposite Misato stood up... he seemed to me to be the exact opposite of the General. As a man, he seemed short, severe and too the point.

"Major Micheal Arizona, Air Force liaison Officer to NERV,"

The third officer rose to his feet... clean, fresh faced, and on the surface completely unremarkable, expect for his green eyes. He was almost a boy within his uniform, maybe a couple of years older than myself. I guess if I'd been a girl... a real one... I might've found him 'cute'.

"Lieutenant Rainier Roberts, my adjutant,"

The woman stood up, short, mousy and Japanese, she was wearing the same uniform as me, with Captain's insignia on her collar.

"NERV liaison to the Airforce, Captain Ichiko Shikinami,"

Wasn't that Asuka's name in some AU? I couldn't remember for sure. The man beside her rose to his feet, opposite Asuka. He wore a dark business suit, but his hair that same rust-red, his eyes that same ice blue. Father and daughter shared a chilling gaze that sucked the heat right out of the room. Ritsuko Akagi, smirked at her opposite number.

"Doctor Kyle Langley, Director of Sierra project,"

Finally, it was the boy's turn, but I already knew exactly who he was.

"Fifth Children and Future Pilot of Unit Zero-Four, Kawaoru Nagisa."

He bowed low, regarding each of us with those evil eyes of his.

"It is a pleasure to meet you all," he said, voice soft and almost effemeninate... a sickening purr devoid of all human emotion, "Where is the Third? I was hoping I could see him today."

I felt physically sick.

"I'm afraid he couldn't make it," answered Akagi.

Nagisa nodded... he wasn't disappointed. I was certain he couldn't even _be_ disappointed. Such an inhuman thing... he made my skin crawl.

"So how's it going, Asuka?" her father asked, his voice rough, roguish stubble framing a Harrison Ford jaw.

"I'm doing fine without you, _father_"

She was brutally polite, perfectly proper, and still stabbing a knife into his heart as best she could. She wore that savage 'I want to eat your heart raw while you watch' grin of hers. The elder Langley, seemed impervious.

"Miss Nagato," he addressed me, offering a polite handshake, "I knew your mother well, her sudden death was a tragedy for us all."

Plastic grief. It was so obvious, so bloody phony. She wasn't even my mother, but still he was pissing me off.

"Thank you," I nodded, not meaning it either. As much as I wanted to tell him to bugger off, it just wasn't something to do at a formal meeting.

"And your Father aswell, that leaves you alone now, doesn't it?"

Fuck off, I willed.

Asuka wanted to stab him. She was picturing the bloody knife in her hands.

"No, I have Captain Katsuragi, she's my guardian."

"And yours aswell Asuka?" he left me be. "I do hope she's been treating you well,"

"Can we get started, please," the American General put the brakes on him, "I for one, can't wait to see our new equipment in action, and I'm sure the young ladies here are as excited as I am."

I _almost_ could've kissed him.

"Yes, let's get started," Akagi cut in, chilling the air.

Her, or the glares Asuka was throwing her father. Misato's mind was still doing cartwheels. One of the officers unrolled a silver screen from the ceiling.

Americans always had the unique ability... especially Californians... of sounding just like that condescending school principal everyone hated even when they were just trying to give a presentation. While I was sure it was nothing intentional, I got the feeling Lieutenant Roberts was talking right down at me, as if I was just a stupid kid beneath contempt.

It made paying active attention to just about anything he was saying or doing a mind-frying chore.

I was more concerned with Nagisa.

Why was he... no _it..._ here now?

_It_ was responsible for me being here... I was sure of that. I'd seen him...it... in my dreams. He'd spoken right to me.

He did _this_ to me.

He took me from my comfortable life and threw me into this body. I didn't know whether I wanted to kill him or not. Maybe just maim him gently. Or send him to Thailand for... surgery.

That idea put a smile on my face. Even if it would lack the shock factor of waking up and suddenly realising that _she_ had to use a different bathroom. Something else told me he probably wouldn't give a damn either way...

But it'd make me feel better.

Then I could drop _her_ in front of a pit of animé fanboys, and watch as the bought dolls of her and drew her into Yuri doujins with Pen-Pen-ko. And a griddle.

It was much better than the dull Lieutenant, who was discussing the current transient control reactors for the railgun, and how if the US was shipping Unit 04 to Tokyo-3... they had to fall back to the old minutemen.

But that really wasn't an option for a country as densely populated as Japan. The EVA was the only weapon which could kill an Angel without killing everything in a twenty kilometre radius and poisoning the land downwind for centuries. Compared to the alternative, the collateral damage after the average EVA sortie was minimal.

Of course Misato paled and commented about mankind repeating the mistakes of the past. Ritsuko commented about logic and 'the needs of the many outweighing the needs of the few'. Asuka seemed genuinely horrified that if she lost, she might be incinerated at the drop of the hat... but then concluded that was a good excuse not to lose, and it didn't matter anyway because she wasn't going to lose.

I was more concerned with the Nyarlathotep wannabe sitting across from me, redolent with sinister serenity. He just smiled an almost dainty smile... devoid of any feeling.

The general was next up, discussing combat tactics, and how Unit's 03 and 04 were designed to operate in tandem with each other, each armed with shoulder-launched missiles,

"But," reassured the General, "recognising the Japanese government's three-principles on atomic weapons, both machines were rendered nuclear incapable. Though the missile systems themselves can still be retrofitted and armed with non-nuclear warheads,"

He had a better presentation style... a little easier to follow. He seemed to talk to me, rather than down at me. Still, it was a pain in the arse to sit through... literally... the chairs where hell on my butt.

Defence policies of NERV. Cooperation between NERV and the US armed forces stationed in Japan. US contributions to the UN tank battalions. Costs and budgeting. Operational procedures and cross communication procedures between US, UN, NERV and JSSDF forces. Orders of command precedence.

The upshot was, NERV retained ultimate authority in the field. The pilots could also use NERV's command authority to order ground and air forces either out of our way or to distract a target with air-strikes from orbiting B1's, Vulcans and Tu-22's.

The downside was; that was only after the Japanese government allowed us to. Until then, we were subject to direct UN command, and part of the same chain of command as all other UN forces.

Why was the US were talking about UN and close cooperation? Maybe it really was an all-for-one mentality? All nations for one human race, one human race for all nations?

There was something comforting about it. After Second Impact, all nations of the world had come together and said 'Never Again'. And this time, they'd meant it. There had been one full blown war in the 15 years since the Valentine Treaty... in Vietnam. And it had lasted 2 weeks before the JSSDF and UN forces had ended it. The peoples of the world were too busy trying to get back on their feet to bother with the expense of war. It was world peace, or near enough to it, and all it took was the deaths of 3 billion people.

Or more likely, it was a marriage of convenience until everyone was ready to start killing each other again.

The meeting dragged on. I think the Pilots were only there as a political stunt of some sort, to prove that we actually existed.

Nagisa sat serenely. Staring at me.

My skin prickled with static, charging with electric current.

An object in motion will continue in motion in a straight line until acted upon by some external force. Newton's Second law. His words in my dreams. And now himself in person. As malignant as a cancer in the room. I switched my attention back to the General

"The US government, however, is somewhat concerned about NERV's Unimpeded Launch policy. The idea that a weapon as powerful as an Evangelion can be launched at whim without so much of a code, is disturbing."

Of course, Akagi had an answer.

"Or aim was to ensure that, if the command centre were to be disabled by an Angel attack or communications were cut, the pilots should be capable of launching themselves. When the fate of the human race rides on a single weapon, you don't want it stranded because of a broken weak link,"

Some people wanted to place the EVA on the same pedestal as the atom bomb… a mysterious and terrifying weapon of unearthly power. They expected some crazy key-turning rituals and special code-locks, calls from the president and two-man rules. The reality was, while an EVA could be immensely destructive, it could only be immensely destructive to things it could reach. Most of the firearms we carried where more mobile versions of the city's static defences. The difference between an EVA-wielded pallet rifle and a turret mounted pallet gun was the EVA's AT-field cancelling out the Angels'. And unlike a turret, and EVA could tear an angel apart with its bare hands.

What really scared the politicians however, was that the Evangelion was pretty much immune to conventional weapons…moreso than an Angel. The EVA's had armour. The only weapons that could take down an EVA, were either mounted in a very big turret, or were carried by another EVA. And that's assuming the AT-Field didn't exist.

N2 weapons were only good for stunning Angels… the same for an EVA. Without hollow spaces inside, neither were too vulnerable to overpressure or shockwave effects. A standard fifty kiloton N2 going off within spitting distance would stun an Angel for a few days. The same dropped on an EVA might strip the paint and annoy the pilot. We'd been reassured that it would take at least multiple warheads of much higher power…probably nuclear….. going off simultaneously to even come close to destroying an Evangelion.

And they could only be dropped from easy to shoot down bomber, or a missile that once launched, was only targeted at a specific point on Earths surface. So the only option they'd have would be to saturate everything within our operational range. Since a good chunk of the world's arsenal had been either used or decommissioned after Second Impact the chances of anyone doing that were, we were reassured, remote.

The only thing that could beat an Evangelion reliably was another Evangelion. The only thing an Evangelion was really good at beating were the Angels, or another Evangelion. And since a single Evangelion took many years and a good chunk of a large nation's GDP to build, they were pretty much useless as a weapon of war.

All this had been explained to the Pilots in our handbook, to reassure us that an EVA's entry plug was probably the safest place on planet Earth, and that we wouldn't be nuked into oblivion by some panicking Dear Leader because the Evangelion had been specifically designed not to give them anything to panic over…so I didn't really bother paying attention as it was explained to the Americans. They'd pretty much figured all this for themselves, but seemed just to want something they could take back to their government to stop them worrying.

A thought occurred to me…

A nuclear-armed Evangelion. Johnston had said that Unit 03 had been rendered 'nuclear incapable'. Did that mean at one stage it had been nuclear capable?

A nearly indestructible machine, capable of carrying nuclear missiles. Tethered only by a cable. Or not even that in the case of Unit 04. You couldn't destroy it with nuclear weapons, but you could be assured that if you tried, it could destroy you. If it decided to destroy you first, there wasn't much if anything you could do to stop it.

Misato's James bond joke, didn't seem like a joke anymore. And Johnston's question about the Evangelions being so easy to launch, didn't seem so out of place any more.

Looking around me, it was obvious that I was the last person to reach that conclusion.

Someone staring down the barrel of an atomic EVA would certainly know the EVA's weak point. Without its pilot, the EVA was useless. A big enough attack, launched too fast for NERV to respond, would kill the pilots. With the pilots dead, the Evangelions can't retaliate.

Wasn't that the JSSDF strategy in End of Evangelion?

I didn't want to play the atomic game. I didn't want to be a target on some piecutter.

"Doctor Langley will now discuss the design and construction procedures, aswell as the temporary modifications to Unit 03 for these tests, the improvements being made for Unit 04, aswell as projected construction designs for 10, 11 and 12,"

Like the announcer at the Oscars, the General turned the floor over to a new chapter in boredom. What made this worse was that this was something I actually had to pay attention too. Was this a secret endurance test? How long can the Pilot's stay awake in the face of unremitting boredom? How many times over could I count the tiles on the roof?

Or trace my finger on a pen-scratching on the table announcing something involving the Commander, Mt. Akagi and a bunch of other stuff I couldn't figure out? Either that meant 'loneliness', or somebody was struggling to spell 'service' correctly.

Asuka's father stood up, pulled the creases out of his suit, and coughed a little into his hand. He stared down at his daughter for a second, offering her a paternal smile. She answered with the most hateful scowl, like he'd boiled her pet cat alive once and forced her to eat the stew left behind.

"Alright," he coughed again, clearing his throat, "The Sierra Project involves the research of energy weapons powered by an onboard power supply within the Evangelion itself, the provision of onboard power and the development of a prototype."

10:30 am, according to the clock on the wall.

Was it running slow?

It felt like it had been years.

Decades even.

"As part of the test regime, Unit 03 has been retrofitted with a power take off, using the onboard batteries as a placeholder energy source. The aim being to test and verify the function of the power regulation algorithms."

I'm sharing a room with the devil's apprentice, and I'm being bored to death by a lecture dryer than the Atacama desert. Railguns may be cool, but not when you understand the vast majority of the theory behind their operation and still have to sit through a lecture on basic electromagnetism.

I leaned over and whispered in Asuka's ear, "Why can't he just get on with it? I know this stuff,"

She just looked at me, like I'd told her I was the final Angel.

"How do you know that?" she interrogated, her voice a harsh whisper.

"I read my fathers textbooks," I lied off the cuff. He was supposed to be an engineer, wasn't he?

For a moment, she seemed genuinely impressed by that. That was a good feeling.

"The transient current magnitude is controlled by these two reactors mounted under the barrel. By varying the position of the iron core within the reactors themselves, the quality of the reactor, and hence the rate of change of current can be controlled, giving an effective method of power and recoil adjustment."

Still Nagisa sat there, studying me.

Red eyes, glistening. Blood red eyes.

"Unlike with coilguns, magnetic saturation of the projectile is not an issue, allowing extremely high velocities to be achieved, on the order of approximately 10 kilometers per second, giving kinetic energies more than capable of penetrating an AT field."

Eyes that had seen aeons, it seemed.

"Don't stare at the new boy," whispered Asuka in my ear, her breath tickling like a buzzing mosquito. "Or does someone have a crush?"

"No!" I snapped back at her.

Silence,

"Is there something you wish to add, Lieutenant?"

Bloody hell. Thanks Asuka, thanks a fucking bunch. Every eye in the room turned to me. Another reason for Akagi to think I was nuts. Think! Think quick. Find something to say that isn't 'Sorry'. What do I know about high current electronics and railguns?

"Um.." the gears in my mind began to turn, turning up Wikipedia pages, textbook pages and slashdot articles. "How are you…" I realised I could switch back to my native language, "_How are you making sure there's good contact between the rails and the projectile, to minimise damage due to high current arcing? Or how many shots do we get before the rails disintegrate?"_

It was Ritsuko's turn to gawk. For the briefest of moments, I took her off guard. I knew something she didn't… or didn't expect me to. That was so satisfying; the most a polite 'fuck you' imaginable. The Americans were definitely impressed, Langley smirking. I'd seen the same smirk on his daughters face any time she'd been given the chance to show just how gifted she was.

"We use a sacrificial conductive foam wadding on the projectile contacts which ensures reliable continuity between rail and projectile. The foam turns to plasma, and is used to impart further energy to the projectile, aswell as protecting the rails by laying a fresh coating of conductive carbon behind after every shot. Each barrel is good for over 100 shots. Will that be enough?"

As slick as a snake-oil salesman, with barely a half second's thought. I just nodded smugly, settling down into the warmth my own self satisfaction. Nagisa chuckled ever so slightly, and a cold chill ran up my back, a feeling that someone was walking on my grave.

Akagi whispered something in Misato's ear, drawing a curt nod from the Captain. Badmouthing me again? Or was I just being paranoid? That woman hated me.

"Where were we?" Langley coughed again, "Right. Using these reactors does leave a high power EMF when the current cuts off after the projectile has left the barrel, which if not compensated for would cause damage to the Evangelion's battery systems, or other power source."…the S2 engine in Unit 04, just spit it out…. "A software controlled solid state switch shunts this current into cap-bank mounted here.." he gestured towards the blueprints on the projector, "..in the rifle's stock. Switches then change polarity, allowing this energy to be used to part-power the next shot. This reduces power draw for subsequent shots, after the first."

The clock ground around.

Tick… Tock.

Tick… Tock.

Who makes the clock tick by, When will my fate be ready? Do I get prior warning Am I told? Are there no surprises? What song was that again? I knew I'd heard it _somewhere. _I shrugged and decided it wasn't so important.

"Now we move on to integration with the onboard HUD and targeting control systems…"

I counted the seconds.

Then minutes.

Ritsuko badgered with questions about systems integration, software reliability, and assurances from third-party contractors. The Americans loved third-party contractors. And dull, dry things. Dull as old silver. Dry as Sahara bones.

Then….

A knock at the door.

"I think it's time we break for sandwiches," said a relieved Misato.

The whole room exhaled. Except for the Angel, he couldn't care less. But food would make everyone feel better.

"So, you're the Fifth child then," Asuka swung into her usual routine. "Lieutenant Asuka Sorhyu, pilot of Unit 02, pleased to meet you."

I noticed she watched the reactions of her father as she dropped the Langley. He didn't give two hoots, he was too busy waffling with Akagi and Misato, and keeping the blue-shirts from the USAF happy.

"The Second Child," he purred, "_Es ist eine freude, sie zu erfüllen_"

I blanked.

"_Sie sind Deutsche_?"

Whatever she was saying about Germany, she was pleasantly amused by it. Maybe she was surprised just how German Kawaoru was.

"_Ja_…."

I didn't even try to follow it. The pair carried on with their Rammstein duet. My ability to comprehend German was limited to using Babelfish to translate it. The adults were duelling over the history of the Evangelion project in English, while Misato sat back and tried to look like an understanding professional.

"So, Nagisa is quite the _bishounen,_ isn't he?" she purred….

"I not like Nagisa," is all I said. Arms folded.

"Asuka didn't like Shinji at first, but she got over it," Memories of a hundred Shinji/Asuka lemons sent shudders down my spine. I will hate Nagisa. No matter what happens. I will hate him for taking me from my home, from my life, for the rest of my life.

I growled into my own chest.

"Nice question by the way. From the looks of it, I think you impressed our guests,"

And all of a sudden, I felt good about myself again. Not only that, but it reaffirmed my identity. Not as the 14 year old girl and mecha pilot, but the 22 year old engineer who was just about to finish final year in university before some bloody Angel decided it would be hilarious to see how well he would do as a 14 year old girl and mecha pilot.

I murdered a ham sandwich. I'd rather have murdered the Angel.

"Now that we're all refreshed, shall we get back to work?"

As usual, Akagi ended the fun.

The meeting would last for another hour.

**I…I**

"That Fifth Child is creepy," said Asuka, unbuttoning her blouse, "a complete freakazoid like the First,"

I turned around to make sure Rei wasn't in the changing room. Not that she'd actually care, mind.

"Yeah, he is a bit…" I had to search for the right word "…a bit queer. And I don't mean his sexual orientation. I mean, look at the way he smiles, the way he talks, it's like one of those uncanny-valley CGI film characters. Emotion on the outside, but hollow and false on the inside,"

The opposite of Rei then, almost. Asuka nodded.

"His German is too perfect; he speaks like a dictionary, rather than a human being. He reminds me of a serial killer. At least the Third is human"…a beat, followed by a quick backpeddle, "That doesn't mean that I like Shinji of course, just that I prefer him to this freaky Volker Eckert Fifth child."

I threw her a disbelieving look. Yes Miss Tsundere, I believe you, you don't like Shinji at all.

"At least you don't have to work with him," I mumbled bitterly. Here's hoping that when Unit 04 goes pop in Nevada, it'll take Kawaoru with it.

Now _that_ was a comforting thought. All my problems disappear in a mushroom cloud.

I pulled my plugsuit up around my body, nestling parts into their proper places. A click of a switch, and it hugged my skin, trapped air exhausting from vents on the hips, back and shoulders. A little tighter across the chest than usual…

You're a growing young woman Noriko, Misato's voice whispered in my ear.

A few swings of my arms to try and fix the fit…which failed…. And I shrugged it off. Deep breath. Hold it. Close my eyes. Open and exhale slowly.

I wasn't a girl.

I wasn't a woman.

I wasn't a man.

I wasn't any of those.

In my plugsuit, I was the 4th Child. Now, I was the Pilot of Unit 03.

Asuka's red suit compressed around her body.

"Don't worry Asuka, I'll go easy on you," I teased.

"Pride comes before a fall, 4th child," she swaggered. "Besides, I'll look bad if you make it too easy for me to beat you."

Spoken as if her beating me was an absolute certainty. It probably was. Unless I could think of something really cunning, really quickly…

Whatever it was, I'd only ever get one chance to do it.

**I…I**

I tried to put Thursday out of my mind… but it still lingered, sending chills through my body was the LCL began to trickle in. I _knew_ the Eva wouldn't harm me, but what I knew didn't matter one iota to my subconscious.

The blood of Lilith was rising quickly up my chest.

I could defeat my subconscious. This proved as much. Close my eyes. Take one last deep breath of blood tasting air, and wait for the LCL to rise above my head. Open Eyes. Open mouth and blow bubbles, listening to them pop like gunshots in the liquid. Then inhale and feel fine.

The human body breathed liquid for nine months, it wasn't hard to teach it to do it again. Just remember not do it when swimming in open water.

Going back from liquid to air, was still about five minutes of coughing, puking and hacking gobbets of phlegm and red gel across the floor. Ed Harris made that part look easy.

Then came the rush… growing a thousand feet in three seconds. My mind expanded to fill the void within the EVA, ghosts of sensations from the armour and cage locks dancing through my awareness. I gripped the twin throttles tightly, anchoring myself back in my own body.

A few quick checks over the displays around me. Nothing out of the ordinary. Nothing felt wrong.

"Unit 03 has activated. All systems green."

Maya Ibuki answered me.

"Acknowledge Unit 03. Launch in 5 minutes. "

American accents burred in the background. The Generals face appeared beside me.

"Zero-Three. Lieutenant,"…he pronounced it Loo-tenant… "Remember pilot, you're not just riding in a machine. You're riding on the hopes and dreams of a hundred million Americans invested in your machine, invested in a future for the human race. We stand behind you, all of us. And we entrust our fate to your courageous hands. Do your best for us, Lieutenant."

There was an almost tearful glimmer in his eye.

"I will," I smiled back.

He probably took my smile as being one of confidence, a young girl, bright eyed and looking forward to saving the planet, freedom, bald eagles and all that. Truth be told, I was trying desperately hard not to giggle stupidly. I couldn't help but be reminded of all those silly rousing movie speeches…especially that Roland Emmerich movie. To be fair to the man, he really did mean it…Americans were the only people in the world who could credibly spout that sort of jingoistic cheese, and while I didn't generally go in for jingoism and the like I could at least play along.

Just don't start bawling laughing.

Try sound imperious and confident. Try to sound hot-blooded… that's what they want. A courageous pilot, not a cowardly one.

"The hopes and dreams of humanity," I started, "Will be my drill to break through our enemies, to pierce the very heavens themselves."

I didn't even know if that animé had ever existed anymore. The fact that I was half-quoting Kamina will sitting in an Evangelion just made it funnier. It took all my willpower not to just burst out laughing afterwards.

"Well said," said the General.

It _did_ make me feel good in a strange way…a little more confident perhaps. I nodded firmly at the General, and put him out of my mind, cycling through a few prelaunch checks. The Eva was there, observing._ Just_ observing. Keeping her distance. She didn't mean to hurt me, I told myself.

"_Hi,"_ I projected at her, feeling a nervous thrill run through my body.

I felt her smile rise through my body, covering me like a warm blanket of happiness. She would keep me safe. She wouldn't hurt me. She would protect me as she would protect her own daughter.

Do your best, Eva.

She would. It wasn't her fault we were going to lose anyway. It was a simple spar, best of three rounds. I was almost sure I'd win the first. I was bloody certain I'd be squashed for the next 2. But if I could pull my first move off, it wouldn't matter what Asuka did afterwards. After all, it was expected for her to win all three, wasn't it?

"Unit 03 to launch position,"

Ibuki again. The machine slowly began to move backwards towards the launch rails, while I hummed the Thunderbirds theme.

Ibuki; "Unit 03 launch set to manual-soft,"

"Copy," I answered, changing settings, "Manual-soft set,"

The monster machine locked into the launch rails, clamps and runners highlighting green on my HUD.

Ibuki; "Geofront launch route three. Power Connection Gamma-3 on surface. Field data has been uploaded. Launch at will, Good hunting,"

"Roger that, Launch at will,"

Just push the little red button and go.

3G of acceleration crushed my body down into the seat, drawing a gentle grunt as my insides tried to stay behind on the launch pad. I took it in my stride, taking time to admire the views outside. Compared to a 7G combat launch, this was gentle. LCL and a reclined seating position took a good deal of it, but there was a reason we had to do all our physical training… and it wasn't because plugsuits wouldn't look so nice over a beer-gut or bangle-butt.

Not entirely anyway.

All pilots were expected to have health problems in later life, but all that mattered was that we were fit and healthy for the next 12 months or so. Long enough to save humanity. Long enough to turn to orange jelly. Maybe that's when I got to go home?

Wake up warm in my own bed, trudge to the bathroom... actually have my rather classy beard back. And probably get halfway through shaving my legs before realising I didn't have to do that anymore.

What was that line from some Scottish play?

I am too steep'd in panties, that to wade back would be as tedious as to go o'er.

I was paraphrasing… of course…. And probably badly, but it illustrated the point. I was fast reaching the moment where it would be just as hard to get used to being male again, as it had been to get used to seeing Noriko's chest in the mirror in the morning.

The jolt at the top of the lift jarred my thoughts back. Right then, none of that mattered. I was there to do a job. Check instruments, check gauges, check for nearby power sockets, and step off the carrier.

One small step for an EVA, one giant bootprint in the soil. Wincing momentarily, I realised I'd forgotten to check for ground personnel. A quick, but deliberate, glance down. Nothing by left foot, nothing by right foot. Which according to Murphy, meant whatever had been there was now well and truly _under_foot.

There was a reason Asuka called them crunchies. That reason being allied forces inability to understand that the Eva's had a very large blindspot right underneath them….which only got larger when the pilot was focusing on the thirty story monstrosity in front of her. It was so bad, our battle simulations had been adjusted account for it, and I was the first pilot being trained specifically to be aware of it.

In the battle against the 6th Angel, Asuka outright killed or wounded more people in her 60-second hopscotch game, than the Angel itself had managed in ten minutes. In her simulated performances, she was the only one of us who routinely managed to kill more friendlies than the enemy did.

Which had a seriously detrimental effect on inter-force cooperation and goodwill.

Leaving that thought hanging, I switched power supply to a local one, checked it actually had the ability to supply the power I needed, checked the batteries were properly trickle charging, checked for certain that I hadn't squashed my support units, and finally made damn sure Unit 03 was equipped with it's standard weapons loadout, otherwise my plan wouldn't work and I'd just look like an incompetent idiot.

"Unit 03 On Surface. Power stable. Go for Operations."

200 yards away, Unit 02 stood at attention, bright red paint glowing in the sun. Behind it, the Pyramid tower of NERV headquarters basked in the light filtering down from the lake-windows a kilometre above. The old destroyer was sleeping peacefully on the lake, sparks of light dancing across the surface.

I wondered how the hell they got that thing in, or what it was over supposed to do beyond being used as an improvised missile against a squadron of tanks.

"Unit 02 On surface. Power Stable. Go for operations,"

I could tell by her tone. Asuka thought this was going to be a curbstomp battle.

Katsuragi; "Good. Now show these Americans that you're not just children with big toys."

We intended to.

**I…I**

The scientists at the Japan Meteorological Institute were always the first to know when the EVA's were out playing. Each kiloton footstep shook the ground like a miniature earthquake. Distant seismographs quivered in fear of our power. Geologists were already drafting another letter of complaint to the powers that be, incensed that the noise of our training exercises was drowning out their measurements.

It was absurd but glorious. We had the power to move the Earth itself.

That thrilling feeling of raw physical power, of striding over the land like a Greek Titan, almost made everything worthwhile.

Almost.

The price of going home…of becoming myself again… was never being able to sit in this cockpit again. If I was honest with myself, I wasn't sure this was something I could willingly give up.

Leaving that thought hanging, I returned my concentration to my piloting, and planning my little surprise for Asuka.

Ibuki; "Unit 03 weapons check"

I glanced at a terminal window to my left, cycling through the information displayed.

"Confirm training weapons only."

Ibuki; "Battle computer to simulated damage mode,"

I brought up a new screen to my right, changing a few settings with a gentle brush from my fingertips. Pinch to zoom and make sure, then flick it away out of view.

"Damage simulators active. Discriminators locked into safety mode. "

Ibuki; "Report arrival at Beta startpoint and standby,"

"Copy that,"

Take it slow and easy. No hurry at all. Try not to shake things up too much. We were professionals, not children…or at least we were acting like professional soldiers. Children acting like soldiers. No wonder the UN kept our identities secret, every tin-pot dictator in Africa would call them on it.

Compared to the others, at least I had the benefit of once having been an adult.

Pointless thoughts. We weren't 'child soldiers'. We still went to school, we still had friends. Being a pilot was no different than being a member of an after-school sports team. We trained for a few hours a day after school, and every couple of weeks we would get time off class to play against the Angels.

Was that deliberate on NERV's part…making EVA training seem more like an after-school activity than actual military service?

Well, it sure beat chess club.

Blowing that thought away, letting it bubble up towards the top of the plug, I pushed the EVA around the back of a ruined tower block that had fallen from above and drilled itself into the ground.

"Unit 03 reporting point Beta standby. Awaiting orders,"

Ibuki; "Hold. Waiting for Unit 02,"

The red EVA was near a kilometre away with its back towards me, loping forwards. Its lolling gait was a curious mix of human, and utterly alien. One foot in front of the other, never fully stretching the leg, never fully locking the knee. Its arms swung lazily by its side, just enough to keep balance, nothing more.

Katsuragi; "This is just a quick demonstration of what we can do you two, so no need to remodel the entire Geofront. You both have your standard armaments, nothing more. There's a kilometre between you, and the battlefield is marked on your HUD. Rules are simple. Go off the battlefield, you lose. If your battle-computer says your EVA is disabled, you lose. Everything else is fair game."

Perfect. Standard armaments for Unit 02 were a pair of progressive knives, and a set of carbon darts in each shoulder. Units 00 and 01 had similar, trading the darts for a set of braking thrusters. 03 had the same thrusters, but only one prog-knife. Unlike the others, I could call on a magnum pistol in a tight spot.

A Magnum pistol that fired 3 19-inch shells, weighing over a tonne each, in a third of a second. Then could do the same 3 seconds later, to fire a total of 15 rounds. When empty, there were two more magazines making for a maximum of 45 shots. It was designed to smash an Angel's core.

Sorhyu; "I'll try make this look good," she teased.

I smiled knowingly at her image. What she didn't know, was going to hurt her.

Katsuragi; "All Unit's in position. Wait for my order,"

A few of the Americans burred in the background, questioning some of the techs behind, or commenting on procedures. I double checked to make sure Unit 02's IFF had been removed from the 'friendly' list and then checked again to be sure. Getting _that_ wrong would be embarrassing.

Katsuragi; "3…." Check radar for good lock, "2…." Slave targeting systems to radar lock. "1…." Check range, Check weapon. Pray. "Start,"

All comm-lines were cut.

A little blue dot on a map represented Unit 02, otherwise now hidden from view by the concrete tower I was using to shield myself. That little dot took off like a sprinter, accelerating to triple digit speeds in a heartbeat.

A thrill ran up my spine, terror, excitement and elation racing through my body.

Radar lock, reported the battle-computer.

Max-Range in 3 seconds.

Ideal range 8 seconds.

Close Contact 15 seconds.

And if that happened, Asuka's victory after 16 seconds, or so I estimated. I couldn't beat her hand-to-hand… I hadn't been trained for it. No, I just had my one ace up my sleeve.

Max-range ticked by, counted off by computer.

I still crouched behind the ruin. 3… 2…. 1…..

Don't fuck up.

One fluid motion pulled Unit 03 around the building, spinning on one heel to face the charging Red Eva, highlighted with a blue box, rapidly growing larger. 4 glass eyes gleamed menacingly in the sun, progressive blade already drawn ready to cut. Asuka wasn't hanging about. Close the distance as quickly as possible then tear the enemy apart hand to hand. Just as she'd been trained.

She didn't jink, she didn't zig-zag… she didn't know I had anything to call on other than a prog-knife. She was about to find out otherwise.

I picked a point on Unit 02's chest, just below its neck, slaving the targeting systems to it. I was trained to shoot for the weak spot, to shoot for an Angels core. The weakest point on an EVA was right at the top of its spine. It was a cold-blooded thought, but it was the truth.

Indicators flashed green. Simultaneously, I reached up, feeling my machines hand close around the grips of the pistol. I grinned savagely.

Sorhyu was a sitting duck.

Half a kilometre away, running right at me. Easy shot. I squeezed the trigger on the throttle.

Computer control drew the weapon from its holster. Computer control aimed it, pointing the barrel with unerring accuracy at that single point I'd selected. Computer control fired, three shots blasting out, pistol belching flame and smoke.

Blank cartridges, for effect.

A heartbeat. Tense, did I hit. Did I miss? If I missed… a momentary chill ran through my body. I _might_ get another volley off, but Asuka would be expecting it.

The battle computers of both machines busied themselves calculating the effects of the shot. Accuracy, damage, deflections off armour. System failures were to be simulated.

Hit, announced the battle-computer after a half-second's deliberation with its counterpart.

1-shot. Armour: Neck 11678-12003. Armour destroyed.  
2-shot. Penetration: Neck. Laceration of supporting musculature. Backup control failure.  
3-shot. Penetration: Entry-plug. Pilot deceased.

Unit 02 Lurched to a halt mid stride, its onboard computer acknowledging the death if its pilot and cutting off all of her controls.

Sorhyu; "_Was zur Hölle_?" She wore an expression like she'd been struck by lightning. "Program error?"

I keyed open a channel.

"Boom. Headshot,"

That was all that needed to be said. That was all I could say before I burst out into cackling laughter. Laughing at Asuka wasn't going to do my chances for survival any favours, but I really didn't give a bollocks. I could endure any torture…. It was worth it to see the look of sheer indignant bewilderment on the Second Child's face.

Ibuki; "EVA Unit 02 has been defeated by pilot kill. Battle time, 13.24 seconds. "

Asuka; "Pilot kill?" the wheels started turning, Click! Everything locked into place, embarrassed rage building as the realisation coalesced in her mind "SHE CHEATED! It was a standard weapons only battle, no firearms allowed,"

"Asuka," her father cut in, his voice chilled and deadly, "A pistol is part of Unit 03's standard loadout. You did not lose because Nagato cheated, you lost because of your own failure to know your opponent,"

Oh God, he was going to get me killed.

Langley; "I did not raise a girl who charges blindly forward without stopping to think about her opponent. On the battlefield, the first loser is the first casualty, and you did _not_ spend years in training to throw yourself away to the maggots through sheer stupidity."

Sorhyu looked like a scolded puppy, and her father was happily rubbing her nose in it.

Langley; "I raised my daughter to win, I raised my daughter to learn from her mistakes. If you are my daughter, Asuka Langley, then you _will_ learn from this, and you_ will_ win this time. Are you my daughter, Asuka?"

Oh hell…

"Yes," she said, her voice flat.

Langley; "Are. You. My. Daughter?"

"Yes!" barked the red pilot.

Langley; "And is my daughter a worthless loser?"

"No!"

Langley; "So is my daughter going to lose?"

His voice drove her like a hammer drives a nail. There was hate in that girl's eyes. Hate for her father, or hate for me? The image of Ibuki beside me looked away for a minute, shuddering. Kyle Langley was one of _those _parents… the kind who treat any grade less than an A-plus as a personal insult… the kind for whom the best is never good enough.

I might've felt sorry for Asuka, if I hadn't been too busy being afraid of her.

"No," snarled the pilot of Unit 02, a savage gleam in her eyes.

"I'm going to die," I said. I could see it now, Unit 03 being torn to shreds in a bloody orgy of destruction, white entry plug so vulnerable in red fingers and then…crunch!

Ibuki; "Unit 03 auto ejection check," the ever-cute lieutenant took my mind off it.

"Ejection check green," I answered back, checking thrusters and plug release circuits.

A few moments thought… then a confidence inspiring realisation. An ejection check… brilliant. Focus, Fourth Child. If I was going to get eaten by the werewolf, at least I could give her indigestion.

Katsuragi; "Return to startpoint, prep for round two. Good work Pilot Nagato,"

Misato's smile almost made the impending pain worthwhile. Return pistol to its holster, switch to full magazine, crouch back behind cover and wait….wait to die horribly. There were murmurings over the radio, talking about powerflow, targeting deviation and NERV's training policies.

Alright… think tactics. Asuka's going to be ready now; she's going to know to dodge. Fifteen rounds aren't enough for proper suppression fire to make her stop, and it takes forever to reload the thing. Trying the same thing over was dumb… she'd expect it. Shoot the weak spot, my training demanded. The weakest points on an EVA were the sensors mounted to the head, and the entry plug itself. Both were hard shots to make. Fighting Sorhyu hand to hand would be futile… I had to shoot. Shoot for the head to blind and disable her, then finish with a plugshot.

Plan seemed good.

Better than rolling over and dying.

Sorhyu; "Unit 02 at starpoint." Direct and deadly, the Second child stared through the video link, her gaze chilling my bone.

"Unit 03 startpoint," I reported.

Katsuragi; "Good, wait for my order."

I took the chance to check my weapons, check a battery circuit that was running a little warm… but not dangerously so. Ready to die Noriko? I asked myself. Not especially, came the answer from within.

Katsuragi; "3…." Check radar for good lock, like last time "2…." Slave targeting systems to radar lock, also like last time. "1…." Check range, Check weapon. Pray. "Start,"

02 Launched like a rocket, again running to close distance. Same opening move, same opening response. I hauled 03 out from behind my cover, readying my pistol. The red EVA had it's blade drawn…again… charging like a bull.

Aim point… just below the neck. Same as last time. Slave targeting sensors. Same as last time. Solid lock, all indicators green. Same as last time. Count to ideal range…three…two…one…

I smirked as I squeezed the trigger… Maybe it would be that easy?

Unit 03 reached up, gripping the pistol, drawing it onto target. The gun fired, three shots blasting out. The battle computers calculated, and gave their verdict.

1-shot. Armour: Shoulder 10200-10236. Integrity compromised.  
2-shot. Miss.  
3-shot. Miss.

My blood ran ice cold. Where Unit 02 had once been looming large on screen in front of me, there was nothing but thin air, and a distant elevator stack.

Sorhyu; "Nice try, Fourth Child!"

When Asuka gets triumphant…it's time to get scared.

A dark shadow loomed above, Unit 02 vaulting high, cartwheeling over into an Inazuma Kick. Watching that massive boot drop straight towards my face, I think I knew how Wile E Coyote might've felt as he watched that boulder drop.

Training told me to stand my ground. Training told me to fire. I mightn't have had my umbrella, but I did have a Magnum. It wouldn't stop her from hitting me I knew…. A couple of thousand tonnes of flesh and steel weren't going to be stopped by three one-tonne shells.

No time to wait for lock-on. Have to snapshot. Fire in manual mode. Target in centre, push the switch. Keep it cool. Deep breath…. And shoot!

Three more shots blasted out, magnum cannon spitting smoke and flames.

1-shot. Armour: Left Foot 224-280. Destroyed.  
2-shot. Penetration: Left Foot: Severe damage to ankle joints. Mobility inhibited  
3-shot. Armour: Right Thigh 458-520: Integrity compromised.

Landing gracefully would be hard with a smashed foot. Landing gracefully wasn't Asuka's intention. Oh shit… Oh shit…

Half panicking, I dropped my pistol using Unit 03's hands to protect myself, hoping I could try grab her foot. Yeah! That'll work. Grab her foot, use her own momentum to flick her over my head. The hair on the back of my neck bristled with static, AT field running like an electric current through my body.

The hit was hard, like taking a baseball bat to the arms, even through the blanket of synchronisation. I yelped, screwing my eyes shut as I dropped the Eva to it's knees. I felt my hands grip around O2's calf… a little relief… and swung up.

Asuka barked, "What!" as if caught off guard. Tension twisted my gut as her foot came free of my hands. Breathing hard, I pushed forwards, trying to get my EVA to her feet. Go! Go! Go! I willed, hoping to get up standing, get the prog-knife out, and try making a fight of it.

The looming shadow of Unit 02 flashed overhead. I craned my neck around, trying to see where she was landing, but my own shoulder blocked my view.

I felt an impact on my lower back.. just a gentle tap. Ignoring it, I pushed the EVA forward, trying to break into a run before Asuka got her bearings. Recover pistol, reload, get some distance… sounds good.

That thought was killed stone dead by a ringing alarm, indicators flashing up read across the displays. Unit 03 stopped dead.

Prog Knife: Puncture L3-L4. Vertebral column severed. Motor control failure.

Everything below the waist had gone oddly numb.

Sorhyu; "I think that's a mission kill, _nicht_,"

Beating Asuka was terrifying. Being beaten by Asuka was depressing. There was no better way to feel worthless than to see that haughty look on her face, like a queen looking down on a peasant. The best way to live with Asuka was never to compete with her… she was all nice and friendly then.

"Nice one," I offered grudgingly.

Langley; "That's the daughter I raised," the man beamed.

I almost felt sorry for her, to have had Kyle Langley for a parent. I was glad I hadn't had a father like that.

Ibuki; "EVA Unit 03 has been defeated by disablement. Battle time, 22.15 seconds. "

Katsuragi; "Return to startpoint, prep for final round."

The battle computer unlocked the EVA with a few quick commands. Well, at least I didn't have far to go. Asuka had another march to the end of the field. I retrieved my pistol, checked it hadn't been stood on, reloaded, and tried to figure out what I could do next.

How did Asuka jump out of the way of a bullet travelling at near Mach 2?

Because she had at least a second's warning , while Unit 03 drew it's pistol. Okay, so I draw the pistol before the round starts. Simple. Less time to react, more time for me to get a decent shot.

Johnston; "Pilot Nagato," Johnston hailed, "You're trained to shoot for a killshot, am I right? "

"Yeah…s Sir." I slurred slightly, nearly forgetting that I was supposed to be acting all military about this.

Johnston; "That might work for an Angel, but not against a more mobile target. Aim for centre of mass." He instructed. "In air combat, you can't afford to be picky about what part of the target you hit, just be glad that you hit it and do some damage."

He was a pilot?

Johnston; "Aim to damage and weaken your target at range where you're stronger, so that when she closes, she'll be weaker and easier to deal with when you're at your weakest.

I acknowledged with a quick "Understood. Thank You,"

He didn't understand how an EVA was built… shooting one wasn't like shooting a person. There was nothing critical behind the chest plate. A lung-shot would drop a person, it might….just _might…_ annoy an EVA.

But, it'd be rude to ignore advice given in good faith by a guest and since I was going to lose anyway, what did it matter?

"Unit 03 startpoint," I reported. Let's get this over with so Asuka can go on being smug and I can play with the real fun toys.

Sorhyu; "Unit 02 startpoint,"

Hurry up.

Katsuragi; "Last one, make it good. 3…." Check radar for good lock, for the final time, "2…." Slave targeting systems to radar lock. "1…." Check range, draw weapon, make sure it'll fire. "Start,"

Again, Unit 02 took off at full pelt.

Radar lock, reported the battle-computer. My skin began to prickle in anticipation. Max range ticked by. Time this right. Optimal range ticked by. Unit 02 at full speed, maybe 5 more seconds to close me down.

"Go!"

Sticking with what worked... she wouldn't expect someone to do what had failed, would she?... I pushed Unit 03 around the opposite corner of my cover. Pistol already drawn, I selected the entirety of Unit 02. A nice big juicy target, easy for the computer to track.

It took a single heartbeat for the computer to make the necessary adjustments and corrections. I fired with a smile on my face. Asuka started to jump... the computers started their calculations.

1-shot. Armour: Shoulder 10210-10278. Integrity compromised.  
2-shot. Armour: Chest 9573-9945. Armour destroyed.  
3-shot. Penetration: Chest. Damage to ribcage. Puncture Right Lung

The red EVA stumbled a little, but was otherwise unbothered. As I'd expected. She launched high, same as last time, I pulled right, trying to put the ruined building between myself and where she was inevitably going to land… a spot just behind where I'd been standing.

That was my next aimpoint. Snapshot, target in centre, pull the switch. The gun spat another burst.

1-shot. Miss.  
2-shot. Armour: Chest 9475-9729. Armour destroyed.  
3-shot. Penetration: Right Forearm. Mobility compromised.

Fuck yeah!

I pushed Unit 03 into a quick run while Unit 02 reeled, Asuka using her arm to shield herself. Another few hundred yards, time enough for an aimed shot.

My heart raced, excitement simmering in my blood. Holy shit I think I'm going to win this.

Asuka trained for years to perfect her hand to hand technique. I trained for 5 weeks to get good at shooting. What was the American saying? God made man, Colt made men equals.

Pivoting back to face the target, I yelped.

Unit 02 loomed large over me, Prog Knife drawn. A red devil charging forward. Damn she was quick. How did she get herself together so fast?

Because she's a professional of ten-years training….

I felt fear… true mortal fear. Silver eyes gleamed with murderous rage in the artificial sunlight. Her left arm raised high with unpowered prog-knife in hand. Keep cool…I could push past that. My only hope of winning was to stick to my guns.

Stand and fire.

Need a kill shot. Slave target to entry plug. A few moments to plot. I held my breath, bracing for impact. Indicators flashed green, ready to shoot. I squeezed the trigger. Asuka struck.

"I win!" the pair of us yelled.

I hit her. I'm sure I hit her…. Before she hit me.

The computers gave their verdict.

1-shot. Armour: Neck 116658-119945. Armour destroyed.  
2-shot. Penetration: Neck. Laceration of carotid artery. Severe haemorrhage. Stabiliser control fail  
3-shot. Armour: Face 123578-123692. Armour destroyed. Primary vision systems impaired.

Shit.

And for Unit 02, a crushing formality.

Prog Knife: Puncture Armour115001. Entry plug puncture .Pilot deceased.

Arse… that was that. Her face appeared on the display beside me. Haughty, smug…

Sorhyu; "Nice try, but you're still green Nagato,"

"Nice win," I transmitted, trying not to sound bitter about it. At least I made her work just that little bit for it…. Just that little bit.

Ibuki; "EVA Unit 03 has been defeated by Pilot kill. Battle time, 37.62 seconds." Maya made it final.

Both EVA's stepped back from each other. Deep breath. Don't feel so bad, I told myself. I made my point with the first battle. It still didn't feel like it.

Katsuragi; "Sorhyu win's two to one," pronounced Misato, "Nice work Asuka, that's what we expected. Nice shooting Noriko, our visitors were impressed,"

And praise from our guardian made me feel better all over again. Asuka was expected to win, it was nothing special… but I managed to score an upset just once.

Sorhyu; "Well it wasn't exactly difficult," she gloated.

Asuka killed my good feelings.

Langley; "If it wasn't difficult, why did she beat you that first time?" her father cut her down "You lost once, and came dangerously close to losing a second time. Nagato is a trainee, and she still came close to beating you,"

I wasn't sure whether to be glad she was getting put in her place, or terrified at what she would do when she got home. The deer-in-headlights look on her face was priceless, however. But what else was she expecting? He was the sort of parent who'd always find a flaw in their diamond child.

Soryhu; "But she didn't win," she argued, "It doesn't matter how close she was, the gulf between first and second place is vast and infinite, like life and death. Remember you told me that?"

Yep, that's exactly where she got it from.

Langley; "Not when you're relying on an accident of position to win… Nagato's last shot was three meters away from disabling your EVA. She should never have even gotten the chance to fire,"

Katsuragi's voice rose over him "This isn't the time, Don't you have a test schedule to run, doctor?"

Sorhyu was seething, humiliated.

Johnston; "Yes, yes," concurred the General, "An interesting display from both Lieutenants. However, we are here on business."

It took a few minutes to recover Unit 02, Kyle being kept away from radio channels the entire time. The Americans were discussing things in their own distinctive drawl, while I was guided through preparations by the bridge bunnies.

Asuka got to go for her shower, I had another half-days testing ahead of me. That'd put me getting home to near midnight… and I still had a day's training tomorrow. The glamorous life of a teenage mecha pilot…

Sorhyu; "Better you then me Noriko." She offered as Unit 02 dropped below the surface, "Good shooting,"

I really couldn't tell if she was teasing her not, her accent threw me off.

**I…I**

Six hours in, and I got a break to get something to eat. EVA pilots do not live on LCL alone. I think I only got the break because Unit 03 had to be returned to the cage to fit supporting framework for the railgun.

It gave me about a half hour to get a reheated meal from the canteen…. Complete with desiccated rice, and gelatinised curry that'd been left sitting under a heater lamp for far too long. Food was food, and it was break from the raw-steak left in sun all day taste of drying LCL. The smell turned the stomachs of everyone in the canteen.

The glamorous life of the teenaged mecha pilot.

Otherwise, I was in good humour. Blowing things up had that effect, even if half were just simulations. I could tell myself I'd done well against Asuka…even if I hadn't won. I'd impressed the visitors. Kawaoru still lingered in the back of my mind, but I could sit on him. I was in the girls locker room, proof from males.

For the first time, I might've been thankful of my body.

Second time, I corrected, catching my reflection in a mirror. The plugsuit was the first… and not for the fanservice… it was strictly a comfort thing.

_Mostly_ a comfort thing.

The door buzzed open behind me, but I heard no-one enter. Must be Rei… Should that be w_rei_th? It buzzed shut again.

"Nagato-san, we have matters to discuss,"

I nearly screamed. I nearly turned to face the owner of that voice, and I nearly thumped him one in the face.

"What do you want?" I snapped, clenching my hands into fists. Fingernails bit sharply into palms.

"To talk, as I said,"

"About how you're going to send me home?"

Can I go home?

"I don't know why you're being so hostile, it was you who wished for this, was it not?"

What? I spun around to face him, to face those awful red eyes. Fear warred with fury. Fury at been taken from my life, being turned into this… and fear because he had the power to do this.

"I didn't wish for these!" I pointed to my chest.

"You wished to live," he said. A pause… "Ah, I see you do not remember. Such is the human mind sometimes,"

Uneasily, I stepped back. A creeping fear crawled over my body, feeling about ready to throw up. Why didn't I remember that? Was it something that happened to Noriko, instead of me?

"You remember, one object in motion will remain in motion unless an outside force acts upon it?" Nagisa jumped tracks, "You are the outside force, Noriko. You are the new element in this cycle,"

"Cycle?"

"Yes. Everything is a cycle, one of death and rebirth. It ends with the third and always starts with the two. Humanity and the Angels are locked together, doomed to repeat the same events, over and over, never moving forward. You are our attempt to break it, Nagato-san,"

Swallowing my fears, I steadied myself. "You want me to stop Third Impact?"

Obviously, that's what all self-inserts do.

"Yes," he nodded,

"But you're an Angel,"

"Yes," he nodded once again, "However, a long time ago, a Shinji Ikari showed me that humanity does not deserve to be destroyed. Since then, I work towards his happiness. I have been his friend and enemy. Her lover and his companion. Every iteration I have been with the Third in some way. Every iteration has ended with his will, and the next begun by his will."

Shinji wished for the world to end. The End of Evangelion. Everybody can just die. I should just die to. As long as people are alive, they have the chance to be happy. I am myself… One more final (I need you). It ends with the Third, it ends with Shinji. Two on the beach, it starts again

"I see you do understand. I could not break the cycle on my own, however, you have the knowledge of past iterations to help you know how to effect this one."

"How?"

"If what you call Third Impact is prevented, the cycle will break. If Third Impact occurs, the next cycle will continue. If an Angel triggers Third Impact, the cycle will break. But the lilin will be destroyed. Shinji will be destroyed."

Ever feel like you've just been shot? Taking a deep breath, I ran a gloved hand through my gummy hair. Alright… my job is to prevent Third Impact anyway, isn't it?

"Then do I go home?"

My voice was almost meek. Nagisa just looked at me, with murderous curiosity, as if he didn't inderstand.

"Hmm, the human mind is strange, sometimes," he mused aloud.

"What the hell sort of answer is that?" I yelled, "I mean, you bring me here, do this to me, " I pointed to my chest.. again, building momentum. "You tell me that I'm supposed to save the world and save Shinji and stop Third Impact and break some fucking metafuckedup cycle, then don't even tell me if I get to go home afterwards…. Who the hell do you think you are?"

I felt the sting in my palm before I heard the glove-against-skin crack. My own hand dropped slowly to my side, a red palmprint rising on Nagisas cheek. He stood there silent, considering… unconcerned.

"Just get the hell out!" I blasted, pointing to the door.

"I see," he said, unbothered, "Good luck, Nagato-san," He turned his back to me, strolling out the door. I heard him start to hum, before it buzzed shut behind him, leaving me alone. I stood there, shivering with anger.

God damn that fucking angel.

God damn him for doing this to me.

Resting my head against the cool steel locker door, I closed my eyes, felling a few hot tears trickle down my checks. Why did he dodge the question? Why did he look so puzzled? Unless he never expected me to want go home…

I might have to spend the rest of my life as Noriko.

What did he do to me?

What the hell did he do?

Why can't I remember it?

Deep breath. Just hold on. Hold it together. Feeling the sting in my palm, another thought rose in my mind.

I _slapped_ Kawaoru. I slapped him like a girl would.

Screw it. I don't need this right now… I still have work to do today. Then there's that bloody box, my own self identity, Ritsuko thinking I'm nuts and the rest of the bloody Angels to boot. We could still lose and die anyway.

I think that was everything.

"_Pilot of Unit 03 to Cage 05,"_Announced the tannoy, "_Pilot of Unit 03 to Cage 05,"_

Duty called.

I left the locker room, half expecting to be ambushed by Nagisa. Relief. I might have to spend the rest of my life as Noriko... Can't think about that now.

I might have to be the Fourth Child for the rest of my life.

I will never...

"Lieutenant Nagato," General Johnston was waiting by the cage door. "I've been wanting to talk with you,"

I nearly launched myself out of my plugsuit.

"Uh... General." Am I supposed to salute him? I did anyway, just in case... a little awkwardly. He did the same, properly. "What is it?"

"I just want you to let you know how impressed we were with your performance today, along with your comrade. I can see our future's in good hands,"

I wasn't in the mood for compliments. "Thanks,"

"Based on what I've seen here, I see no reason not to recommend to congress that Unit 04 be released to NERV. Though, I wasn't likely to refuse anyway, Project-E means a hell of a lot more to the United States than many of our politicians would like to admit."

Please, no lectures... I'm really not in the mood.

"Building these two machines has almost single-handedly resurrected American heavy industry. It has given a lot of people hope for the future for the first time in over a decade. Money from his Angel-War is driving the recovery back home. NERV and UN contracts have already rebuilt Detroit and Pittsburgh…. They're putting food in a lot of people's mouths. People are buying cars again, homes, TV's, people are saving for a future they're starting to believe is possible. These contracts are dragging our country up by it's bootstraps, rebuilding the economy into something that can sustain itself for the first time since Y-two-k."

"Congress may not like the idea of our country's safety being dependant on foreigners, maybe even on a people we once beat down. They're thinking in old fashioned terms, reminiscing on a world that passed into history on September 13th. If the Second Impact taught us one thing, it is this… we all depend on each other for our survival. Politics, religion, race, none of these things matter anymore. _Humanity_ is at stake, not just Life, Liberty, the United States, a bible and a one-dollar gallon of gas. As a nation we can't afford to shirk our responsibilities to the world we live in. As Franklin said, we all hang together on this, or we will surely hang separately."

He smiled at me...

"And you pilot, we have given you all the support we can give. A hundred million people back home are relying on the people here to do their jobs. They're relying on you to give them the future they've started to believe in once more. We've done our part, we've done our best for you, please do your best for us,"

A heavy hand fell on my shoulder... damn he made me feel small. And didn't he say something similar earlier?

"I will," I said, weakly.

"Feeling tired?"

Feeling pissed off.

"Yeah,"

"Well, keep your head up. And Good luck,"

"Thanks," I said again.

He left for the command centre, to oversee the rest of the testing. That was something I could've done without. I could get back to the apartment and curl up in bed with my own warm blankets. Bring on tomorrow, maybe I could feel better then.

Unit 03 was waiting for me... still with tufts of Geofront embedded in the gaps between armour plates and a few new paint scrapes thanks to Asuka. She'd lost one shoulder pylon, and replaced it with a steel scaffold. Blankets will have to wait, and LCL-filled entry plug beckoned.

It would have to do.

I might not be able to go home, but at least I have EVA.

6 hours to go

**I…I**

It was past midnight again we were finished. The Geofront had switched to late shift, lights dimmed throughout the complex. I showered and changed on auto-pilot, before getting lift home from Misato.

Tokyo-3 at night was a dark city… few if any of the buildings had anything but the most basic lights… just a few red beacons for the benefit of low flying aircraft. The streets were empty… utterly dead… not a sinner out for a stroll. If you wanted nightlife in Tokyo-3, you took a taxi to old Hakone.

Armaments building Gamma-31, containing pallet rifles, went past. I knew from my studies that we were on 31-st street. We could turn left onto 22nd and find a powerpoint, a recovery/launch point and an emergency blast shield. Right, was a positron gun in building Kappa-31 and another blast shield.

Tell me any street in this city, and the first thing that came to mind where the munitions, power and recovery points within a three street radius, before anything of the normal stuff normal people might care about, like pubs or shops or friends home's.

Confirming my knowledge of the city's weapons helped keep my mind off other things.

"So, the Americans were real impressed by you two today," Misato tried to make conversation, "All things going well, Unit 04 should arrive in about 4 weeks,"

I nodded, not really in the mood for talking.

"We had a hard time convincing them you'd only trained for a month, Noriko."

Well, I did little else. A silence. The engine burred away happily to itself.

"Did you get to talk with Nagisa?"

I shook my head, lying. "I not want to,"

I could see my sullen reflection watching myself back through the car window. The rest of my life, seeing that reflection.

"You two do have to work together, you know? You're expected to have a good relationship with him,"

Six months? Sixty Years? Sixty years, when I can't even get six weeks. I'd grow up, like any other girl. I'd grow old, like any other woman. I'd never be myself again.

She was starting to get annoyed, "If you're not feeling talkative…"

"I just tired," I stated.

The rest of my life as Noriko Nagato. No family, none of my friends, none of my accomplishments. Just that girl in the window.

"Well, the tests ran long so I guess you should just go to bed. But, tomorrow after training when you come home, we're going to go through that box. This is something you have to deal with,"

And maybe tomorrow, I might lose myself entirely .

"I can't go home," I said softly, voice cracking.

Misato sighed, and focused on driving the car. Noriko has no home and neither do I. Noriko has no family. I'll never see mine again. The car swung left.. hard… accelerating down 44th street, past recovery route 44-Delta.

I wanted to go to bed.

I wanted to sleep. I wanted to stay in bed as long as possible. I wanted to get today fucking over and done with, and get on with tomorrow.

Training… I could still look forward to training. The comfort and peace of an entry plug. I stand corrected… Noriko did have family, she still had her mother. And the EVA treated me like her own daughter.

A right turn, and a familiar apartment building rose up in front of us. Misato parked up in her usual reserved space, cutting the engine. The old machine creaked a little as it started to cool in the night air, the woman beside me taking a deep breath.

"We're home, Noriko," she said.

I'm ashamed to say I didn't catch it at the time.

**I…I**

A quick grope on Sunday morning confirmed the worst. Fuck it, I had work to do. Get showered, get dressed, get a breakfast and get to work. I ran through most of the day on autopilot. My sync-rate dropped… Akagi was an arrogant bitch who assumed I was doing it deliberately, which made it worse. I slogged through my language training, and enjoyed a good run around the Geofront.

My mood had improved a little bit, even if I wasn't exactly looking forward to the upcoming talk with Misato. I was clinging to my sanity for dear life, but I was still holding in there. I can't go home anymore… alright… I can deal with that. I'm mature and adult enough to deal with that.

I might have to spend the rest of my life as Noriko. I _might_ be able to live with that….in time.

I wasn't happy, but I wasn't outright in a depression either. What problems I had, still seemed like I could surmount them. There was a light at the end of the tunnel.

Half hour after getting home, and I was still wearing my sweaty clothes. Asuka was busy changing, Misato was murdering _Komm Susser Tod_…of all things…in the shower, having only gotten out of bed. I'd finished a days work, and she was just getting out of bed. Shinji was happily engrossed in a bubbling pot.

"You really beat Asuka yesterday?" he asked, sipping soup from a ladle.

He didn't believe me. A spark of pride flared.

"Yup," I smirked at him behind his back.

He threw me a disbelieving look over his shoulder, grey eyes glaring, lips pursed into an almost feminine pout. Except for the few teenage straggles of black hair sprouting along the top of his lip.

"How?"

"I shoot Asuka in entry plug. Pilot kill. She not even know I have gun."

I recognised the tone in my own voice… it was suspiciously like the one Asuka liked to use when explaining the details of her latest and greatest micro-success.

"Hmm… and the second time?"

"eh?"

"It was best two out of three, so you won twice to beat her, right?"

"Uhhhh…."

The boy sighed

"So you didn't really beat her, you just won one match then,"

He was _so_ disappointed.

"I train for 1 month. She 10 years." How do I explain this? "I _expected_ lose all three but have win 1 upset."

"Huh?" the boy gave me a puzzled look. The only thing worse than my Japanese was Misato's cooking. "You only trained for a month and were expected to loose all three, but you scored an upset by winning one,"

"Yes!" I beamed.

"Well of course you beat her Noriko," he said, his tone in that disappointed matter-of fact he always used, "you used a weapon she didn't even know you had. When she did know, she beat you, didn't she?"

Every silver lining had to have a cloud with him, didn't it?

"You beat Asuka?"

"She beats me."

Was that a joke? I chuckled gently, earning a soft smile from him for the trouble. It was a warming smile, in a way I couldn't quite understand. Maybe he was finally at ease with me? A peaceful quit closed in… or as much quiet as possible with a crooner in the shower, and a German missing her favourite dress.

"Have fun at Kensuke game yesterday?" I kept the conversation rolling, after taking a few minutes to consider a new subject. The more we talked, the less time I had to dwell on other things

"It was fun but…" there was always a but, "The game he wanted to play was….weird. It was some future thing, where we all played teenage pilots of some monstrous robot. Umm…" he put his finger on his lip as he thought. "Engels, they were called,"

"Sound familiar," I burred. In more ways than one. I knew the game, I also knew what that particular part of that particular game had been based on. Irony was fun. Following that though, had Shinji ever played Warhammer? Reassuringly, I remembered that fanfic.

"I don't go to those games to do the same thing I do every week," he said, "That's why I liked the dungeon one,"

"You like game?"

I meant it as 'You like gaming?"

"Not really," he answered, "I don't hate it. It's pretty dull but, it's fun to be with friends and not worry about EVA," One thing I had learned about Shinji was that his true feelings only ever followed a 'but'. "One of the society members..uh… Haruhara-kun… says he talked to you during the week actually,"

Haruhara? Who was that?

"Kyonichi Haruhara, an upperclassman. He said he'd met you…"

The penny dropped

"Oh, Kyon!"

"You know, he hates that nickname,"

I nodded.

"He only puts up with it because of that girl whose parents were killed by the Third Angel. He has a crush on her,"

He didn't seem too bothered by that… surprisingly. Wasn't he supposed to be all mopey and blame himself for things like that? I guess he got over it… Shinji in life wasn't Shinji on TV. He was just another 14 year old boy with parental issues, who happened to pilot a 30 story biomech on weekends.

He was a good person to live with. He was kind, courteous... a half-decent cook, and he could give as good as he got from Asuka... but only when pushed. I mulled that though over in my mind for a bit, considering it along with an old quote about how Shinji was just an ordinary teenager, dealing with his burdens much the same as any other ordinary teenage would.

If Shinji's an ordinary teenager, what does that make the rest of us?

Asuka has been training to fight since she was four, Rei is... well Rei. I'm... well I'm not sure what the hell I am anymore. And Kawaoru's actually an Angel, who I still hate for doing this to me in the first place.

He's the reason I'm a girl. He's the reason I can't go home.

"Did you meet the new pilot, Noriko? What's he like?"

Nice timing, Shinji. I growled bitterly. "He is psycho. Complete total weird." Remembering how Kawaoru had said he was all for Shinji's happiness, what better way to get back at the Angel than to turn Shinji against him? To make Shinji fear him. "Trust me. Kawaoru very dangerous. Act nice , but evil inisde. He say love but not even understand. He smile with no feeling behind. He walks into girls room with no permission. He is dangerous."

I didn't realise how loud I'd been, until I noticed the startled expression on Shinji's face. Nervously, he rose his hands "Sorry, I don't understand, you."

"How could you not fucking understand me!" I shrieked in my own language, stunning him. " He's a bastard. He screwed with my life. He... He..." what the fuck did he do? "…Killed Kittens!" What the fuck could I tell Shinji? Why was I crying?

"Noriko," he whispered, fearfully.

"Ah.." Deep breaths. Squash it down. I've just gone and taken it out on Shinji, haven't I? "Fuck it!" I kicked the table away from me and stood up. Another deep breath. Just hold on.

I decided to hide in my bedroom.

Shaking, I dropped to my knees on my bedroll, before burying my face in my pillow. Nice one, I congratulated myself. Shinji was probably standing there still wondering just why I'd gone off on him.

Asuka was fiddling with her underwear beside me.

"What did the idiot do now?" she questioned.

"Nothing!" I spat.

This was all Nagisa's fault. He did this to me, he put me in this mood, and this mood is why I got so pissed off at Shinji even though he did nothing to deserve it.

"Wow, I thought you had your time of the month last week,"

"Shut up, Asuka"

The glare I gave her promised death. It didn't even faze her.

"Jeez, what got your goat? You've been acting weird since yesterday,"

"Nagisa." I grunted.

"What?" she blinked, "He's just a weirdo. You got to learn to take things like that in your stride and not get so pissed off at them,"

"Oh yeah, like you're one to talk about not getting pissed off at people,"

"That's different!" she snapped back at me, "Those people deserve it. However, getting annoyed at Shinji for being an idiot, is like getting annoyed at the rain for being wet,"

Why did it always go back to Shinji?

"Never stopped you,"

"Well sometimes rain can still be annoying, Fourth Child. Like when it forgets your lunch or goes rooting around in your underwear,"

She's the one who expects him to wash it, but complains when he touches it...and doesn't see a problem with that. And then complains about how Misato is so conceited.

"Just forget about it," I groaned, turning away from her.

"Fine... though your problems are only going to get worse if you keep closing yourself off,"

Hey kettle, you're black, said the pot.

I could hear Misato and Shinji talking outside, having a profound chat about the mysteries of teenage girls' feelings, why they seemed to have no relation whatsoever to the topic at hand, and reassuring him that it probably wasn't his fault. She then offered him money to spend the next few hours with his friends, at the arcade or watching a movie. Not being the idiot Asuka always said he was, he gladly accepted.

She has to pay him, to go out with his friends? No, the money was just so he wouldn't be wandering around the city with nothing to do.

I had two friends... one who I only saw at school, and another who might not quite be. I did have Motoko's IM, but there wasn't anything I could really talk to her about. For one thing, I couldn't use the Japanese language options on a keyboard. It wasn't like I could talk to her about my problem anyway, as Shinji had found out, any mention of the Evangelion, NERV, or the pilots on the phone and the call would be cut off automatically by the Magi. I couldn't talk to Asuka, all I'd get back would be a face full of scorn.

"Have fun Shinji,"

Misato's voice, loaded with saccharine cheerfulness. Thanks for the reminder, instead of a soothing chat with friends, I was facing a sanity searing stroll through Norikos past life. Could I hide from the impending mindfuck under my pillow?

It wouldn't hurt to try.

Asuka finished dressing herself, while I searched for something to do while hiding under my pillow, some excuse not to go outside. A Gunsmith Cats manga I'd acquired would do…a big thick _tankobon_ to hide for a few hours with and pretend I was learning Japanese by reading the kanji.

Sorhyu stopped at the door before she left, and sighed.

"Hikari wants to buy a new pair of shoes, so we're going to Red-Star mall. I know you don't like these things, so you probably don't want to come anyway…" Translation: She didn't really want me to come herself, "…But if you want to come, you can,"

Why did she ask me, if she didn't want me to come? Why did it sound like she was being forced at gunpoint?

"Thanks," I said. It sounded like torture. No more torturous than staying under Misato's mercies. There was no torture in the bedroom. "I'll stay here,"

"Fine, suit yourself," she huffed, slamming the door behind her.

I was alone. A comfortable solitude. Another breath… I'm alright, I told myself. I _am_ okay. The sun will still rise tomorrow, tomorrow will be a new day. I can see my friend tomorrow. I'm doing fine.

I'm even picking up Asuka's ability to lie to herself, and fall for it. And in only six weeks too!

That thought drew a dark chuckle. Kawaoru's little hint that I'd be here for the rest of my life had been a punch to the psychological face, but I could take it. Wasn't it only yesterday I was worrying about getting so used to being a young woman, that I'd have a hard time being a man again? Now I never have to worry about that again….

Oh God…

My mood crashed. A funerary silence settled in, Misato disrespectfully shuffling around outside. Some silence for the departed please, I'd like some time to mourn the man I used to be. And perhaps, the person I am now, depending on what happens when Pandoras box is opened.

If the worst happened, would I just wake up tomorrow the same as always. I'd look at myself in the mirror, and I might never notice that something was wrong. I might miss my Father, or her Mother. I might feel the aching loneliness of being an orphan. I might quietly borrow some make-up while wondering why I didn't have my own.

Would I even realise it at the time, or would it be like another switch being thrown in my mind? Would I have time to panic, to scream inside my mind as I feel myself dissolve into her for the last time

Would I be her, but knowing I used to be me? Would she have my memory to help her, the same as I can get some of hers? I live in her, the way she has sort of lived in me.

Or would it be a psychological stewpot? An overboiled morass of memory turning my brains into mush. I'd spend the rest of my life in a nut-house not knowing who or what I am from one moment to the next.

Alright… maybe waking up in the morning thinking I'm Noriko, and always have been Noriko from day one, isn't the absolute _worst_ outcome. It wouldn't be the best, either.

Like a condemned man, waiting for the final walk to the electric chair… would I feel the lightning in my brain?

Misato knocked on my door, "Noriko, it's time."

As sombre as an executioner. I curled into my bed, keeping quiet. Maybe if I'm lucky, she'll think I've fallen asleep.

"Noriko,"

I'm waiting, in my cold cell, when the bell begins to chime.

Reflecting, on my past life, and it doesn't have much time.

I think… I made a point to pirate that album again, if I was still myself when this was over. I bought it once in another universe, I'm not buying it again.

"Noriko-chan, I know you're awake," she chuckled, "I can hear you breathing,"

Damn. Just how good was her hearing?

I groaned into the pillow, "Alright," Pushing myself to my feet, I would face my final fate like a man. I was hot, wearing sweaty sportswear after jogging home and my boobs were itching so bad I had to scratch.

Opening to door with a nervous look on my face, a twist in my gut and single hand up my t-shirt, I was met by Misato's soothing smile.

"Are you ready, Noriko?"

I shrunk back, "No,"

"Well, this has to be dealt with. Now is as good a time as any. Trust me, it's the best for you."

I didn't believe her. For a few moments, I considered kicking and screaming, throwing a childish tantrum but I had more self respect than that. It'd be a reason for them to disqualify me as pilot of Unit 03 aswell. What did I value more; my Sanity, or my Piloting?

Piloting.

Shivering, I took a seat at the kitchen table, hiding behind the cardboard box on the table. Cold chills ran through my body while my executioner dug a beer out of the fridge for herself. I needed some dutch courage.

"May I?" I requested, weakly.

She gave me a questioning look for a moment, before reaching for a second can.

"Just the one. This stuff's not for kids you know." She smiled, placing the can on the table in front of me.

Condensation glistened on the golden surface of the tin. Salivating, I cracked it open, a gaseous hiss inviting me to drink deep. That smell, that glorious malty smell… it felt like a lifetime since I'd last had a drink.

In one way it was.

One sip to cool malty heaven. Misato might scream for joy, but I just nestled myself down into warm alcoholic satisfaction, exhaling a long satisfied sigh. A proper drink made me feel like an adult.

Another mouthful…

"Slow down, Noriko," chided Misato, "That's the only one you're getting. Ritsuko would have my hide if she found out I let you drink,"

"Thanks," I spoke into the can. Just one can wouldn't be enough to get me drunk, or even enough for an alcoholic buzz. It was more the act of drinking that calmed my nerves. Minerals were too sweet and tended to excite, we were out of good tea, and Tokyo's tapwater was clean but tasted bad.

Misato was busy figuring out how to start, while I was wondering if I shouldn't just dive into the box

"Noriko, I'm going to tell you a little about myself first. So just listen for now," her expression darkened as she took one long swig from her can.

"When I was your age, my father brought me with him on one of his research expeditions, to Antarctica. I was so excited to go, I've always had a thing for penguins,"… Pen-Pen waddled in, looking jealously up at his owner's beer…. "I was there when Second Impact happened,"

She gave me a moment to stare open-mouthed. I felt guilty for not being able to. She drank some more, as she started rooting around in the darker parts of her mind. She took a long breath, and started again.

"I was in my cabin… I wasn't allowed into the actual laboratory… when the first flash happened. It was like lightning, pin-kon, flash and bang. I had just enough time to run to the window to see what it was, when the shockwave arrived and blew the glass in and threw me across the room. That's how I got this scar," she pointed to her chest. "It tore me up,"

"I thought it was a nuclear bomb at first," she scoffed at the idea herself "...some sort of attack. I managed to run outside the cabin, to look for my father...to look for a shelter. I was outside just in time to be caught in the second blast. It just picked me up and threw me against a wall, knocking me out. I thought I was dead."

"The next thing I remember, I'm looking up at my father's burned face as he carries me. I can…see the skin blistered. His clothes were torn…. Bits of him hanging off" She stopped, suppressing a chill, "Before I could say anything, he put me in an escape pod, before handing this cross…"…the one she still wore around her neck… "…to me. He closed the hatch. It opened again, an hour later… I hoped he'd be there still but… " her eyes shimmered, "…there was nothing but a hot boiling ocean,"

She was right on the edge. Why was she doing this? What was I supposed to say to her? I didn't even know what I was feeling. She was showing her most vulnerable side to me… if I said the wrong thing, she'd hate me for it. Words came to mind, but they just seemed hollow and fake, going through the motions.

It wasn't that I didn't care, it was just…. Nothing she said was really news to me.

"I was picked up three days later, by a resupply ship" she continued, "But, by that stage, my wounds and dehydration meant I was nearly dead. I was out cold for six months. When I came around, I didn't know who or what I was. I would try to speak, but nothing would come out my mouth. I'd try to tell them not to turn lights off and leave me in darkness, but I couldn't. For a time, I couldn't even remember myself… I had nothing, no past except what I remembered from the day I came around on that ship. I knew I was this thing called Misato Katsuragi, but what did that mean?"

"Over the next two years they did their best to rehabilitate me. I learned to read and write again. It was a German ship, so naturally I became quite fluent in the language. They weren't always nice about it… they forced me through a lot of doors I didn't want to go through, to work and move forward."

"I hated them at the time for it, but I can see that they were only doing what they thought was best for me. Eventually, I was able to speak again, my first words were "Don't turn the light off,"… in German. My Japanese came back a little later. The whole time I was on that ship, however, I wanted to know what had happened to me, and who I'd been."

"When I came back to Japan, it was time to find out. A friend of my father's… a man by the name of Kozuo Fuyutsuki sat me down one day, just like this...and told me it was time to find out who I was. By that time, I'd become quite secure in myself. I was no longer a thing, but a person. I'd build a new self, for myself.. and I was terrified that everything I'd worked so hard to regain since the Impact, might be lost if I ever found out to much about myself. I had become a new person, with my own experiences and opinions and feelings. When I realised what Fuyutsuki had planned, I thought it meant the death of me, in favour of some other person who'd died four years earlier. Something he said to me, however, changed my mind."

"He told me, 'Do not think about what you might lose from this, by what you will gain.' Those last four years and the person I became because of them, would still be a part of me."

"He took me to my old home, where most of my things had been boxed away. Memory didn't hit me like a tsunami, or anything like that. But I was still aware of things coming back. Every day I knew a little bit more about myself. Some were good, some where bad. More and more, I felt like I wasn't losing myself, but _becoming_ myself. Eventually, I wound up wishing the process would just hurry up and finish, so I could be that person again, so I could be whole."

"The woman I became, is a mix of the girl I was, and the girl I had been before the Impact. I can still speak German without the traditional Japanese accent. I'm still afraid of the dark." She chuckled lightly, "Those things from that time will always be a part of me."

"I know you're different from how I was.. you didn't lose everything. There was enough of yourself left to build something of a personality. That's why I thought we could get away without any rehabilitation… I wanted to save you some of the pain I had to go through. You did better than Ritsuko expected you to,"

With a wry smile, Misato always knew how to make me feel good.

"So Noriko," she cupped my hand tightly in hers, "Trust me when I say this, because I'm talking from experience. You will not lose anything. When you wake up tomorrow, you'll still be the same person you are today. You'll still be the pilot of Unit 03, and you'll still be hilariously ashamed of your newfound sexuality. In ten years time, you'll be a grown woman, but this time and this person you are now will still be part of you."

She had a point.

But she was looking at me as she saw herself. I was literally someone else in another person's body. So that meant it didn't really apply, did it? I really could lose myself. I was losing myself. I was clinging on for dear life to everything I had ever been.

If I let go, would that all be gone?

Would I merge with her, like alloyed metals. There was a mushy stage as the alloys cooled and the grains of the metals sorted themselves out. But the final product was superior to both inputs.. for whatever purpose it was intended for anyway. My education and nerdiness, combined with Noriko's fitness and… whatever else…

I could be a shit-hot fit-girl mecha-pilot who happened to like animé and manga, and could understand the jokes in XKCD. That didn't sound too bad. Fanboys all wished to meet one someday. I just didn't wish to be one.

Yes, XKCD did exist… it surprised me to find that it was only about seven or eight months ahead of where I remembered it being. The one with Summer Glau as the Pilot of the new Unit 03 made me laugh.

And I was distracting myself.

If this goes well… I'll still be myself.

Not that I believed it. Halfway through my own drink, I was still shaking. Misato had stood up to fetch a second and third for herself. Whatever happened, I was going to have to go through with it. To the end.

Sitting back down, Misato cracked a can, before rummaging in the box.

"Now, I'm going to talk a little about you, to fill you in a little on why I think you are they way you are. First, we have the Marduk report I received on you. Pilot's aren't normally allowed to read these, but my authority as Operations Director lets me decide otherwise,"

She pulled a grey folder from the box, and placed it on the table in front of me. I looked down at the cover,

_Marduk Ausschuss  
__Viertes Kind: Nagato, Noriko  
__Eingeschränkt_

"I not speak German,"

"You don't have to," she reassured me. "You should be able to figure out the important parts. First, tell me what you notice about your picture"

I opened the folder. First page.

_Familienname: Nagato  
__Vorname: Noriko_  
_Geburtsdatum: 11/11/00_  
_Geburtsort: Flüchtlingslager Usui. Gunma, Japan_

That was about all I could figure out quickly, before I saw her picture. Smiling and happy, as long haired as I was, wearing a familiar school uniform…

Gears in my mind cranked. With a start, I slammed it down onto the table, feeling a strange panic rush through me. The uniform was familiar... the same white blouse with crest and tartan skirt and been worn by every girl at my old school. Noriko'd attended the exact same secondary school as me.

"What the hell?" I breathed.

Scanning through the file, I started to look for something like an address. With my heart in my mouth, I found it. She'd lived literally two minutes walk from my old home, in an apartment block I knew well. Going to school every single day, she would've walked right past my front door.

Was that why Kawaoru chose me for this?

Or worse, were Noriko's memories bleeding into my own in a way I couldn't even realise.

"That picture was taken last October, by your school. As you can see, you've….grown."

An impish giggle followed, but I wasn't paying attention to the pre-pubescent girl in the picture. Noriko's own memories could be screwing with mine, and I'd never even realise it. Once or twice they'd crashed into my mind and I'd realised it… but if there was a more insidious infection going on in the background?

"It seems you were a little bit of a late bloomer. Puberty might've kicked in for your body while you were unconscious, in the hospital. These are big changes to go through, even when you're awake. The mindset you woke up with was still that of a young girl while the body had moved on. Is it any wonder you're so afraid of your sexuality?"

What now?

"To suddenly wake up to an alien body, with alien feelings and desires must be scary. All these feelings are perfectly natural, for any girl your age. As you grow up and mature, you start to grow into them and the best way to grow into them is to start exploring them,"

Oh God

"I don't have feelings for boys," I stated harshly.

"Oh yes you do," she waggled a finger, "You probably just don't realise you do, but I can see the signs. For one thing, I've seen you staring at Shinji's crotch and butt while he was in his plugsuit,"

Beet red, I screamed "I didn't stare!"

I just wanted to see if anything…showed through. It was a technical curiousity. I just wanted to know how well a male plugsuit fit him, to confirm my theory about how uncomfortable it would be down there.

"Yes, you did," she stated. "Asuka does it too. There's no shame in it, he is quite handsome,"

"I do not have a crush on Shinji," I stated.

Yes Miss Tsundere, I believe you, you don't like Shinji at all. Christ, I really did sound just like Asuka when I said that and every EVA fan knows how she feels.

"I didn't say you did. But your body is giving off signals. Imagine for a second, Shinji holding you, his arms tightly around your back, his body warm and comforting against your tingling breasts. Your eyes close, you feel his mouth meet yours, the moisture of his long supple tongue sliding between your lips to met your own. Your first kiss. You feel one of his hands slowly slide down your stomach, working its way into your pants, his hard fingers sliding along your moistening…"

Resistance is futile… a hundred lemon fanfics mixed with my traditional nightime fun made it an easy mental image to generate, and a hard one to purge. Shinji's face, instead of Misato's, Shinji's fingers, instead of hers…

"Stop it!" I yelled, crossing my legs "Too much,"

"But you did feel something?"

"Embarrassment!" I spat. Why did she always get so fucking sexual when she was drunk?

"And?"

Oh God no. It was there, beneath the shame and the nausea, it was there. The first sparks of a feminine lust, a desire to feel Shinji's body touching mine, arms entwined. Looking up at my guardian, I was terrified…

I'd been expecting an assault on my self identity, not my sexuality. Well, my sexuality is part of my self identity, but goddamn, she really bypassed the Maginot line on that one. I hadn't expected it. I hadn't prepared for it. What else had she picked up from the Germans, other than the language and a love of beer?

"See…"

An old schoolyard rhyme came to mind… Noriko and Shinji up a tree… F…u..c..k…i..n…g. First comes the bump, then comes the marriage, then comes the baby in the golden carriage.

I swallowed half a can of beer in one gulp to purge that thought. Time for one last stand, time for the Samson option. It might squick the hell out of her, but it would be worth it to save my sanity.

"But I think of girls in bathroom. Sometime you," I declared proudly. Yes, I fantasize about you Misato. Haha!

"So do I, from time to time. I used to fool around with Ritsuko in college," she giggled dipsomaniacally, "Usually when we both got so drunk we couldn't stand and couldn't find anyone to come home with us. I used to think she was jealous of me and Kaji,"

Effortlessly defended against.

My body would eventually betray my mind…

She didn't give me time to let that fully sink in.

"Now, we move to your language. You were born Japanese, Noriko, and lived here until you were at least seven years old, before your parents were transferred to GEHIRN research division at Reeksurippu," … Leixlip?... "in Ireland. Your father was an engineer at the production plant there."

"The Intel plant?"

I'd had a job interview there once… and didn't like the place. No wonder Noriko lived near me, I lived near a train line that went almost to that plant's front door.

Misato smiled, "You remember?" I nodded. "It used to be. It was one of the few large scale semiconductor manufacturing plants to survive the Impact. Many of the components of the Magi are built there. That's not my point, though. My point is, your academic records show you as taking Japanese at school, and that you first learned English there. You lived in a Japanese household and probably spoke Japanese at home, yet you could only speak English when you woke up."

She'd mentioned to Ritsuko that I was learning Japanese quickly… I figured it was just a case of necessity.

"That in itself is not unusual…A Croatian boy came out of a coma only able to speak the German he'd learned in school. He had to learn his native language from scratch. Now Noriko, you're learning Japanese a lot faster than if you were 'learning' it. I'm pretty sure you can understand just about anything said to you, even if you have a hard time speaking back. Your language skills are coming back, all you have to do is let them."

I hadn't even thought of that…

"It's not just your language skills. The report mentions some Athletic awards you won at school… and I know how much you enjoy running and your physical training."

And I'd guessed that was where that came from.

"The process is already starting, we just need to help you along with it a little. Trust me, you'll be glad to have your memory back."

"I not know. Do not want spend my life in padded cell," I said, staring at the still-open Marduk report. Some gene sequences were circled in red. Highlighted in yellow, the phrase: "_KEdMP Exemplar 027: __Verbesserte Gesundheit, Kraft und Ausdauer. Keine psychische aktualisieren. __AT- __Feldempfindlichkeit_"

"You won't."

"What I mean. If I not settle on one identity. If memory not mix well?"

"The human mind is a very malleable thing," she reassured me, "Your memories are already mixing. It's time to stir the pot"

Nothing like a healthy dose of paranoia when you're already worried you're going to wake up in the morning with the sudden desire to jump on Shinji's crotch.

"Now, Noriko… would you care to do the honours?" she nudged the box towards me.

I held up my empty can, shaking it from side to side. "More?"

"Sorry. One is enough for a young liver,"

Fair enough, but did she have to crack open her third one as she said so? The smell was making my mouth water. What I wouldn't give for another drink.

"Well," I drew a long breath, "Here I go,"

Hand in, the first thing I grabbed was a plushie, Soft and furry. That tan Teddy bear. I'd seen it before. Calmly, I placed it on the table, it's beady eyes staring lifelessly at me. It was so soft I wanted to hug it. It still smelled of jet fuel.

"What is it?" questioned Misato "And how does it make you feel?"

"I don't know," I answered the first question. "Um… Like it need hug?"

"Why don't you try?"

How weird. It was light, but oddly comforting to look down at those beady eyes. It seemed to wear a smile as it looked up at me through my cleavage. I hugged it tighter, it seemed to hug me back, squashing against my chest. I smiled, before feeling a shot of fear.

It was mine… or hers… but it felt like mine. It felt like a long lost friend.

"It's mine," I said.

"It is. Everything in there, was either yours, or your fathers,"

Where did that feeling come from? I placed it back on the table, before rooting out the next item. Passports. Noriko's father, proud and dignified… very Japanese. Noriko was eleven years old in her picture… she even looked like a child. Her bright eyes, innocent of her fate…

Was this before, or after her mother died?

She died in 2012, answered my mind, a sharp pang of sorrow rising up. Another memory rose up, of a brilliant, sunny day…an old church… a coffin… the metal bracelet on my wrist. Placing the passports on the table, I started to fiddle with it, running my fingers over my own name engraved in it.

"You specifically went for that one, what is it?"

I answered before I knew I had one…

"My mom gave it to me. She sent it from the States right before she died, it's the last thing I have of…" the look of shock on Misato's face stopped me dead.

My mouth gaped as I realised just what I'd been saying, and where I'd been going.

"Go on," Misato nudged.

The dams in my mind were leaking.

"I remember her calling me, saying she would be coming home. There was just one more test… "… the EVA fanboy suggested this might've been the activation test … "Then, a man called to the door. He was." I could see him standing there. I knew him. I answered the door to him. "It was Ryoji Kaji who told me she was dead,"

And I've been afraid of him since I met him.

My lip was quivering, I was coming close to crying.

"That was his job, at the time." She said, with a soothing softness. "What else do you remember about your mother?"

The Angel on the train.

"She cheated on my father. There was an argument at home. He slapped her, apologised, then left the house for an hour. She was crying, sitting on the countertop, saying she'd done something terrible, but that everything would be okay. She left for America shortly afterwards…"

I was…

Cold.

"And your father?"

"He kept his job. He didn't spend much time with me, he buried himself in his work. I asked him to do things with me, but he was always busy. Work Important for the human race… "… I could remember his voice saying it, deep and gruff with a rough edge… "… so I asked if I could help. He let me do his work with him,"

Oh crap.

And then, it stopped. The leak was plugged. I was sitting there, panting, half on the verge of tears, looking up at Misato's sympathetic visage. That was… that was exactly what I'd been afraid of. They wouldn't go away… they just sat there squatting in my mind, live and living large.

"Anything else?"

I didn't want to try it. I didn't want to drown under a torrent of memory. There was one… one thing.

"He was holding me when the plane crashed,"

I could feel myself cracking. He was dead. He died protecting me. But he was not _my_ father. Don't forget that! He. Was. Not. My. Father.

That thought nearly killed me. Part of me was screaming at me, saying he was. Why am I denying my own father, it asked.

Shut up! I snapped at it.

I don't want this. I don't want to lose myself. I grabbed on tightly, anchoring myself in a memory I knew was my own. My college exam results.

"Harder memories come back first, but it'll get easier as time goes on. It's worth it in the end, you will feel better about yourself. Keep moving forward, Noriko, always keep moving forward."

Noriko might feel better about herself. I might be Noriko. I might be dying inside in a way that'd need a philosopher to describe properly. Some crazy metaphysical crap.

Next step, Next item. Moving forward.

My…_her_ father's watch. Tag Heuer. The face was cracked and scorched, from fire. The smell, I hadn't noticed it the last time. It smelled of metal, jet fuel and… meat.

I nearly threw up. Father or not, nobody deserved to die like that… not the man who held me and kept me safe as the plane went down.

"My father's watch," I said. Nothing else came. The leak seemed to be plugged

But…burning to death, trapped in a wrecked aircraft…

"What is it?"

"Fire, after crash,"

He's dead. My father's dead. No he's not, he's my father. He's… damn it this is frustrating. I… I…. can't think straight.

"He wouldn't have suffered," she offered, after a moments thought. She was trying… but it didn't make me feel much better.

Next on the list… move on before it can do even more damage. Deep in the packing foam, I rummaged. I grabbed something else, deep in the box. A hardcover book, I could feel the pages inside. I pulled it out, wondering what sort of book it was. In sparkling letters, printed in pink and purple.

'_Girl's special diary'_

Misato gasped, "A diary! That's perfect,"…My perfect doom…"How far back does it go?"

Cautiously, I opened the front page, and was met by Kanji carefully printed on the front page.

"_Noriko, we bought you a diary for your birthday. One rule. Since you failed your English exam, you must write in English only, to help you learn. Love, Mom and Dad…"_

I could read it… At least, I knew what it said. Feeling oddly curious, I flipped it over to the first entry. Written in faded blue ink in a slow, deliberate hand… like my own attempts at the Japanese alphabet.

"_12/11/09_

_Dear diary. That is how these start. I hate Ireland. It rains a lot and is very cold. __However some people are nice. Father at work. Mother at research. Me at school. School is hard.. my English not to good __ . I hope I get better. _

_-Noriko_

_13/11/09_

_Dear diary. Bad day today. Failed Irish exam. Why they make me learn their language? A stupid language. Dead language. Schoolmates call it torture. It is. Teachers are like old Japanese people._

_-Noriko_

"

I chuckled. Every schoolchild in Ireland hated Irish. It was a universal experience. And arriving in country aged seven, she was lucky enough to get in right before the subject stopped being mandatory for foreigners.

What struck me was the tone of her writing… somehow, I knew she'd been happy when I'd written that. She'd been a happy child. Before her mother moved to America…

I was curious about the diary. It didn't seem so dangerous… the sequins and glitter glue on the front cover just looked silly. Feeling drained of energy, I placed the diary down on the table.

"That is all,"

"How do you feel?"

"Washing machine brain," I answered. My head was still spinning. There was a lot to take in, a lot to analyse and understand.

I think I'm okay.

"Well, bathing is the washing machine of life, Noriko,"

I did need a wash, at any rate.

"Good long soak," I concurred. A good long sleep, to boot.

Walking to the bathroom.. my legs were shaking. I pulled the door shut behind me, still clinging tightly to my sanity, and started to undress. In the mirror, the face I'd call my own for the rest of my life watched me.

Why did I strip naked before turning the tap on?

I had a few minutes padding around, while the bath filled. Water pressure was low today. I started to think.

Noriko was a girl. More to the point, Noriko had been an ordinary girl. Her body was female, the very structure of her brain was female. It made sense then, that her body would start to find boys attractive, It made _perfect_ sense…

And me, what am I then on top of this biological hardware. The idea of getting a good fingering from Misato still turned me on. But I was finding it hard to be attracted to other girls.

_Other_ girls?

My mind wants to be attracted to women, my body wants men, and my body is charging right into the jaws of hell and puberty. These changes happen to my body, happen to the raw biology… they… they affect the mind aswell. I am growing into a woman's body. I am growing into a woman's mind.

These changes will happen to me, as they would happen to her

I am… I swallowed a lump… going to lose that part of myself. And short of tearing my insides out, there wasn't a damn thing I could do to stop it. Nature would run her course.

Tears were flowing.. but I still held on. I wasn't going to let this beat me. I am not going to cry.

My self will just be eaten alive from within. Noriko of Borg, my psychological distinctiveness would be added to her own. Resistance was futile. Those memories stirred by the box sat in my mind. My father… Noriko's Father. He held me as I died… held her…me..

I could see myself at my school, and myself was her… with the same teachers. Whose memory was that? I couldn't tell if it was straight from her, or a corruption of myself.

No matter what I did, I was eventually going to lose this fight, and then…

The dam burst, I dropped to the cold tiles, sobbing for my self, for my father… her father… and for a hundred other things I couldn't articulate in my mind Hiccuping, I tried to centre myself, tried to stop, but the result was just a horrid wheezing that hurt my chest.

I lasted six weeks.

I'll never go home. Noriko has no home. I'll never be me… I'll be _this_ girl for the rest of my life. I'll be assimilated, I'll end up like Misato… I'll be glad to have found my true self when this is all over, when the man I really am is nothing more than a memory, remembered only through a few strange habits.

There was a knock on the door…"Noriko, are you okay?"

I tried to answer… I tried to lie, but what just came out was another wreaking sob. The door shot open, Misato standing there, looking down at me

"No," I whimpered.

I was sitting naked in floods of tears on a bathroom floor losing my mind, how the fuck would I be okay? I watched her tear blurred form stand there, looking down at me.

She crouched down beside me, slowly placing a heavy hand on my shoulder.

"I never said it would be easy, nothing worth doing is. But hang in there, and remember, you are not alone,"

Not alone.

That… worked. Slowly, I stopped sobbing. I gasped for air, coughing roughly, rubbing at my eyes to try and clear my vision. Shakily, I forced a smile. I was grateful for her _trying_ to help.

"Thanks,"

My voice was hoarse.

"It's my job, Noriko. I'm responsible for your wellbeing, physical and psychological. If it's affecting your ability to Pilot, I have to deal with it, or help you deal with it. The happier you are, the less anxious you are, the better Pilot you will be."

So, I was just a pilot to her then? At least she was being honest…

"Like Shinji?"

She nodded, "I'd do the same for any of you, yes."

The bath was still running. The floor was freezing cold. I was getting a hold of myself.

"Bath's ready. Take as long as you think you need,"

I lowered my head and listened to her leave. Finally… just before the bathroom started to flood, I reached over and turned off the tap. Hot water beckoned.

The rest of my life was ahead of me. Or her life. Our life?

I knew why lobsters screamed when they hit the pot… they were screaming with joy. Hot water caressed my body, soaking through to the bone.

It soothed the soul.

I still had those memories. They still sat in the front of my mind. I could move through them like my own, recalling the sites, smells and sounds. Did I lose part of myself when they came back? Not that I could tell… A flash of paranoia shot through my body, but the unease that followed dissolved away into the water.

It seemed Misato might be right.

When my… or her…whatever.. memory finally decided to come back full force, I'd still be in there. With a clear head, I could see that… this wasn't the worst that could happen. When all was said and done, I'd still be a person.

As time went on…if I didn't get killed or tang'd along the way… as I started to reach Misato's age, I'd be reaching the point where I would've spent the majority of my life as Noriko anyway. Then there's another how many years on top of that?

I'll grow up here.

I'll grow old, here.

My body's interest in the opposite sex will grow. I might even have a boyfriend some day… or marriage. And what comes with it.

I will be this person for the rest of my life. I will be this girl. I will be Noriko Nagato. I will be the Fourth Child, and pilot of Unit 03.

And I could accept that. I could live this life. There was no other alternative but to live. I'm not going to lose myself, I'm going to gain someone else.

This was the least worst outcome, after all.

And that was that… one step forward. I didn't feel good about it…. I might be giving up myself after all…. But my head was clear. The weight was off my shoulders. I will take things as they come at me.

The bath started to cool quickly. All good things must come to an end. I stepped out of the bath, catching my reflection in the mirror.

"Here's looking at you, kid,"

She smiled wryly at me. She is me, I am her… and that is that. I dried myself carefully, before wrapping a towel around my waist. I could hear Misato watching TV outside. The others hadn't come back yet… they'd be a while.

Pen-Pen shot through the door as soon as I opened it… the poor bird must've been bursting.

Misato was watching her afternoon soaps. Not wanting to disturb her, I just quietly shuffled towards my bedroom.

"Feeling better, Noriko?" came the question.

I winced. "Yes,… uh thanks."

I was feeling better.

"Good." She said. "Oh, and one more thing… you might want to cover your chest,"

Glancing down, I saw my own breasts, breathing the free air. I'd wrapped the towel around my waist… man style. To Misato's surprise, I started to laugh.

I would be alright… that proved it. I dressed myself, jeans and t-shirt, nothing too special. Same thing I wore every day. Beside my bed was the box, teddy bear sitting on top. It was over. I considered leafing through her diary… but I was just too drained to feel like I could do anymore. I set it aside for another day when curiosity struck me. Instead I watched crappy soaps for a few hours.

Shinji was first back, followed a short while later by Asuka… who insisted on showing off her new high-heeled shoes to me. There was dinner, there was the traditional Sorhyu/Ikari argument. I watched Shinji… I watched myself watching Shinji.

What my body wanted, didn't matter… so long as _I _didn't have a crush on Shinji. Did I?

I felt…. Weird.

Maybe I felt like this all the time? I'm just noticing it now because Misato pointed it out to me. It might even have nothing to do with it. And besides, in no way did I want to get caught in the Asuka/Rei crossfire. And that's providing I ever decided I wanted a boyfriend. What the fuck did it matter what my body wanted? It was still my choice and if I didn't feel like it mentally, then that was that.

It was still my choice, in the end. Everything was.

**I...I**

Monday morning.

I'm still myself. I still had those new memories, they seemed to have settled themselves inside my psyche.

Asuka groaned beside me, curling up into her own blankets. I don't know how she'd managed to do it, but her panties had rolled halfway down her legs. All it did was remind me to make sure I was decent. You're a girl too, said my body. Rolling off my mattress, I pushed myself to my feet. My bracelet was still clamped around my left arm… in its proper place, and a muddy teddy bear sat beside my pillow. It was mine. Gathered my clothes for the day, I thought back on last night. Twelve hours earlier, I'd been sitting on the bathroom floor, bawling my eyes out.

Now, I felt fine.

And, Misato really did care for me.

I lingered on the warmth of that thought for a moment, while I tried to find a clean pair of socks. I found some black thigh-high socks…belonging to Asuka…. They'd do. My psyche raised a token protest, before it shrugged and gave up.

Garments underarm, I quietly slipped out into the living area, soft footsteps the only sound disturbing the silence. The motor in Pen-Pen's fridge clicked to life, whirring away as I padded past it. First up. First into the bathroom. First dressed and happy for it.

Gathering momentum, I pulled the door shut behind me, put my clothes on the hanger and turned on the shower. I still felt fine.

It came to life with a deep burr, followed by the gush of too-cold water. Giving it a few moments to heat up, I undressed, letting my nightwear to drop to the floor. A quick once over of my body told me that everything was OK. No mysterious bruises, or lumps…some stubble I'd have to take care of though.

That was something all pilots had to do, even Shinji. We weren't allowed have a single hair below the neck, for hygiene reasons. But that could wait until evening, after I'd finished training. That'd give me more time to luxuriate in the bath, rather than rushing to be done before Sorhyu battered down the door.

There were more than a few pleasures to be had from this 'girl' thing, and I was quite happy to indulge in some of them. Showering was also high on that 'fun things to do when your female' list. Along with the dirt and sweat of a night's sleep, went all my worries and fears…

Dragged down the plughole by thick white suds.

It never lasted long enough. Getting the tangles out of my long hair was a pain in the bollox too… even if I didn't technically have any. My own private joke made me smirk giddily. A little bit of my old self rearing its' head reassuringly.

Shinji was up. I could hear the boy pottering around outside.

It was a good morning. I felt good after my talk with Misato. I felt great after my shower, and even both male and female sides of my brain had decided to play nice with each other for the day. Maybe they'd reached an accord after last night?

Clean teeth, spray deodorant…. Remember to use the ladies one not Shinji's… having that pointed out while at school had been a bit annoying. Getting dressed was easier than it had ever been… Panties and Bra, blouse and bowtie, followed finally by the unique waistcoat and skirt combination uniform.

A rebel's yell rang through the apartment. Misato was awake and up. Asuka would follow soon. Time was running short. Finally, Asuka's black thigh-high socks. Checking all was buttoned up and looked reasonable, I stood up.

Then started laughing madly when I caught sight my reflection on the mirror hanging off the back of the bathroom door.

Long black hair. Lightly tanned skin. Pale, pastel uniform. A few inches of bare skin between hem of skirt and top of sock. If it wasn't for the slightly giddy face attached, it would've been the perfect character template for the traditional animé tsundere. Steeling my expression, I tried to stare down my reflection.

The girl in the mirror stared grimly back at me.

"_Boku wa, tsundere desu," _I said with deliberate coldness, "_Baka Shinji,"_

It sounded like "Bowkoo wah, sun-derry des"

If I was just a character in an animé, at least I knew what kind I was supposed to be. The dark girl, her heart hardened by tragedy. Orphaned at a young age like her guardian, a mirror image of Misato perhaps? Unsure of herself, or her body, she's thrust into a world of giant robots and psychological torture, forcing her to come to terms with herself and her loss, while kicking ass and vying with Asuka and Rei for the affections of Shinji Ikari.

As Asuka opposed Rei, I was supposed to oppose Asuka. Darker, sadder and more melancholy. And also be sad and secretly achingly lonely because I couldn't get in Shinji's pants since I couldn't work up the courage to tell him how much I cared for him, because I was terrified that if I ever allowed myself care for another person again, they'd promptly up and die just to spite me. Or because I was afraid of being a woman…

Yes… the perfect character for Neon Genesis Evangelion. Or at least one of the silly spinoff games.

Of course, this wasn't an animé, but a real life… sometimes life imitates art.

Another glance in the mirror, and I smiled. Both parts of my mind seemed to agree that it was a nice look for me. The male half made some half-hearted protests about the skirt, but I blew them away with a languid sigh. I felt great. I didn't really want to fight myself..

Maybe it was Misato's talk last night.

Maybe I was just plain getting used to it.

Maybe it was another few pieces of myself crumbling off into the abyss.

Shinji was outside. I thought back to what Misato'd said about me…about him…last night.

Did I have feelings for Shinji? Even just physical ones?

I blew that thought away. Whether I did or didn't, didn't matter. Even if my body wanted to, that didn't mean my _I_ did. Same thing I told myself last night.

"Morning Noriko," Shinji greeted me as I stepped into the kitchen.

"Morning," I smiled back. Nope, no feelings.

So far, I was having a good day. Misato was busy doting on a half-asleep Pen-Pen, encouraging the bird to eat a breakfast. Not wanting the instant Miso Shinji'd prepared….he liked that stuff… I fixed myself some cereal and sat down.

Asuka came storming out.

"Hurry up, " said Shinji, "I don't want to be late for school because you took twenty minutes to get dressed again,"

"Blame her!" she pointed at me, "She always takes my spot,"

"Get out of bed earlier." I grunted, before crunching down on cardboard infused corn-snacks, drenched in watery 'milk'.

"That's what queues are for.. so we don't have to argue over things like this,"

"Asuka," said Shinji in that mildly disapproving tone of his, "I don't want to be late," In other words, stop complaining and just get dressed already.

With a toss of her hair, she got the point, glaring daggers at the pair of us as she disappeared.

"How are you today, Noriko?" Misato questioned me.

"Alright," was my answer.

"Shinji?"

"I had fun last night."

The boy blushed, there was something more behind that, but he wasn't telling. Misato knew not to push. I wondered what he could've been doing with Kensuke and Touji that could make him blush.

A normal morning. God's in is Heaven, all's right with the world.

I paid the price for wearing black socks on the walk to the to school. The mid-August sun was baking the city. Already a ball of sweat, I wondered why I could hear people talking about Absolute Territory. Wasn't the AT-Field an official NERV secret?

How the hell did these kids know about it? MI-6 Agents had been placed in overcomplicated easily-escapable death-traps for even getting close to finding out about its existence…. Probably.

Girl's locker room… change shoes. I could hear Asuka chatting with Hikari.

"Hey Noriko!, nice look,"

I smiled, Motoko.

"They were what I find," I shrugged.

"Dark socks, dark hair… A-Grade Absolute Territory. It suits you so well,"

There it was again.

"Absolute Territory, where did you hear that?"

I tried not to sound too interrogating. She stepped back, surprised.

"Fashion, it's the bare skin between skirt and stocking,"….as if everyone should know it… "Why, what did you think it was?"

"Absolute Territory is a NERV thing too. It's the shield the Angels and the EVA's have,"

"Oh," she giggled. "Well, it looks good on you, especially when you pout. You look so serious and _tsundere-_ish. Boys will go ballistic,"

I winced.

"I not trying to." Hands on hips. "I just wearing comfortable clothes,"

Or was I? Maybe biology was trying a backdoor exploit?

"Well, try wear it more often then,"

I would. But not because of 'the boys', or anything like that. I'd do it because I _liked_ wearing high socks. They felt a little like trousers, and to be frank, they did suit me.

Something had changed… I was too comfortable. Or I was just used to it now. It might be some combination of all three. No…

It must be something from last night. I'm wearing a skirt, and don't even feel awkward. I felt fine… I felt comfortable, like the male side and female side had finally found a happy medium between themselves.

And Noriko's memories…the one's I'd gotten last night…. They were there, just like my own. I felt a flash of fear… but… God help me it felt like a good change. My mind was clear, no feeling like the dam holding back Noriko's memories was about to burst and overwhelm my own. The pressure had come off.

I didn't feel like I had to guard my own mind from itself anymore. I didn't have to push back.

Maybe I should have a mild psychological break more often?

I took my seat in clase, a message from Kyon already waiting for me on my laptop

::When will you have that piece about the NERV conspiracy ready?

Oh, that.

::End of week. I have some ideas. Busy with real NERV work

Constructed with the aid of a Kanji dictionary

I was going to send her the truth… it was far weirder than fiction. And if I changed the names of a few people and places, it'd look just like a coincidence. Too close for comfort… Close enough to spook Commander Ikari even?

Rei was in her customary seat, having her customary staring match with a tree. Shinji and Kensuke were teasing Touji over white toothpaste stains on an unfortunate part of his tracksuit bottoms. Asuka was helping Hikari through last night's maths homework. Another school day…

This was… nice.

Until the whispers started.

"Who's that?"

"Is he new?"

"He's so _bishounen_,"

"What's with the hair? Is he a Grandfather?"

A new student? Grandfather's hair? _Bishounen_? A chill ran through my body. I looked up towards the door, hoping against hope that it wouldn't be.

It was.

Standing in the doorway, hands nonchalantly in the pockets of his black trousers, was _him_. I felt the anger rise up. Just because I'd _accepted_ myself, didn't mean I felt good about what'd been done to me.

"Son of a fucking Bitch!"

And it had been such a good day, to start with. The entire class turned to face the outburst. Staring at me. Demanding explanation. I shrank sullenly back down in my chair.

"Good Morning everyone. My name is Kawaoru Nagisa." He introduced himself with a low bow. "I am the Fifth Child, and Pilot of Unit 04."… shigouki… "I look forward to our time together,"

Kensuke questioned Shinji. Touji questioned his sexuality. Asuka threw Hikari and snide comment. I hid behind my hands, while Rei just kept on trying to beat that tree, unbothered by the affairs of mere mortals. Hikari directed Nagisa towards a free seat at the back of the glass, before leading the class through the Rise, Bow, Sit routine as the teacher arrived.

"Good morning class," the teacher greeted us, automatically, not even looking up from his papers. "I see we have a new student aswell. Welcome to the class, Mister Nagisa." He adjusted his spectacles. "Since you're arriving in the class so late, your guardian won't have to come to the parent-teacher meetings this Friday. Ayanami, your guardian has indicated he is unable to attend, have him suggest an alternative time. Suzahara and Kazumi, we can push back to the twentieth. Nagato, Sorhyu, Ikari… I'll handle all three of you at once, since you share a guardian."

Crap. Why me? I've only been here just over a week!

"Neither of you are doing very well. Just because you save the world, is no excuse for slacking on your studies," he chided. Was there a wall missing a brick somewhere?

On top of Nagisa's appearance in class, there'd be an Angel this week.

**I…I**

And done.

Edited part of Marduk report to hint at just what Noriko is physically, which hints at just what the Pilots are.

Also recc'd on TvTropes a while back. Welcome Tropers.

Finally, don't be afraid to R'n'R. Or did you all think this thing was dead?

-Dartz


	11. A good break

New Perspective Evangelion

_Part 11: A good break._

I don't own NGE, somebody else does  
Stuff might be mentioned that's copyright  
I don't own it either  
It's just a bit of fun anyway.

**I…I**

Tuesday.

I'd managed to avoid Nagisa all Monday, but the good feelings couldn't last. I'd had firearms training on Monday after school, and had managed to annoy the instructor by clearing my weapon the wrong way. Which was fine until the bang. Pull the slide _after_ ejecting the Magazine, not before.

Guess what I spent Tuesday morning doing?

Bloody hardass.

I didn't see Motoko. I didn't see Nagisa. Shinji or Asuka… they were all at school. I spent the morning running through weapons drills so I wouldn't accidentally shoot myself…or worse, shot someone else. I didn't see what the fuss was about… the round went into the sand bucket… which was what that was for, wasn't it?

My anxiety was coming back… slowly. But it was there…the creeping worry that if I ever just let Noriko's own memories overwrite my own; either I'd drown in the surge or just go batty. I could accept that I was a girl. I could accept that I would still remain in a way, when all was said and done.

While I seemed to have found a good place for the time being, It still scared me.

There was still the small matter of my sexuality. Whatever my body wanted, I would never go with a boy, for as long as I lived. I drilled three rounds through the target to prove it.

The idea of sex, still turned my stomach. To have something inside me...

"Your aim is drifting!" the instructor bellowed. "Three shots within five inches. Again!"

Three more shots, muffled by my headgear. A stray…something…pinged against my glasses, distracting me for a moment.

"Good! Three more. Aim for the head."

The targets were vaguely anthropomorphic, with higher scores given for the more lethal shots. God damn this was hard. Not just lining up iron sights, but keeping my hands steady, keeping my breathing controlled. Right stance. Not too tense, not so loose. The smallest deflection made a big difference. There was a hard kick of recoil, there was the gunsmoke which made my eyes water.

It was so much harder than in an Evangelion.

If only Kaworu was here. I'd already had one accidental discharge, would another be too hard to believe? It was an evil thought, but it brought a smile to my face.

"You're pulling left again. Remember, not too tense. Last three. For the chest again,"

Misato said I should explore my sexuality... what did she mean? Should I date boys, or what? The idea of dating... it made me nauseous. Should I at least be aware of my feelings then... and what they meant. How the hell did I do that?... Without going crazy?

She didn't mean masturbation… I did that anyway. While thinking about guys, instead of girls?

That just made me…. Uncomfortable.

"Clear the weapon,"

Alright. Safe and decock the weapon. Magazine out. Tilt weapon down, pull slide back and catch any dropped round. Nothing came out. Inspect the chamber. Empty. Place on table, barrel pointing downrange.

"Done,"

"Good. Reload and start from the top."

Magazine in. Slide forward. Round is chambered. Safety off.

"Ready! Two in the chest, one in the head."

Finger off the trigger until I want to shoot. Take aim. Grip right. Don't tense up. Finger on the trigger and Squeeze. The pistol kicked in my hands. My hits were marked on the holographic target… a barely humanoid figure.

"Good accuracy. But do it faster. This person is trying to kill you, remember?"

If it wasn't for the pain in my wrists, it might almost be a videogame, everything beyond the muzzle was a computer graphic. I sucked at First-Person shooters, but left clicking a mouse was a hell of a lot easier than this… even if it was the same finger.

Or was I approaching this the wrong way. If the idea of sex made me uncomfortable, start somewhere else. Real women don't exactly jump straight into bed, do they?

What was it Misato pulled on me Sunday?

The pistol roared. B-KAMM B-KAMM, B-KAMM.

"Better! Again."

With Shinji. His warm arms around my waist, his firm body pressed against mine. His warmth… his smell.

Was making my mouth water. I swallowed quickly, a little unnerved.

"You missed the last shot! Do it again."

Maybe thinking about this at a firing range was a bad thing? Focus, three more shots.

B-KAMM B-KAMM… nothing. The trigger was stuck.

Huh?

"Malfunction?"

"What kind?" the instructor demanded.

Raise the pistol… one round in the chamber. Slide jammed back, another round caught between the chambered round and the slide. What was this?... in the manual…

"Double feed," I blurted, a little unsure.

"Nasty," he commented. "Alright. Remove the magazine. Don't drop it; you'll drop the unspent round aswell. Catch that and dispose of it."

Push the button, pull it out. The round fell into the palm of my hand. This isn't going to go off while I'm holding it, is it? I dropped it in the metal box beside me.

"Rack the slide three times."

One…two…three. Second round in my hand. Chamber empty. It joined its friend with a clatter.

"Now reload with a fresh magazine and keep going,"

Slide it home, rack the slide to chamber a round, and done. In an Evangelion, if we had a malfunction, we dropped the weapon and got a new one rather than bother going through the fuss of dealing with it.

"Done," I reported.

Well, that was a little exciting. Shooting had been fun the first time, but it quickly grew old as the pains in my arms and hands started to grow. Especially my fingers. The trigger was so stiff it was making my finger ache.

"Good work. Three more shots. Aim for the chest only."

Closed in in a wooden stall at the end of a long hall. It was just myself and the instructor behind me. The muscles in my arms where throbbing….even a Five-seveN started to weigh a ton after an hour. My eyes were aching.

B-KAM B-KAM B-KAM.

"Again. Three shot bursts until the Magazine is empty. Pick your own target."

Learn through pain. And some people thought this was fun? Maybe without a former Bundeswehr instructor barking orders in your ear it might be, but definitely not with. I was pretty sure he was that special class of Sergeant that reproduced through fission…like bacteria… nobody this nasty came from a mother.

Aim for the chest. Easiest shot to make.

What about kissing Shinji? His moist lips against mine. That still felt weird… It hit me somewhere behind the chest. A strange tension that seemed to build and spread up the back of my throat. A tightness I could feel as I breathed.

Like fear…

It was different, for a girl… but I couldn't quite put my finger on how. Because I was more aware of the feelings, rather than the meaning, I figured. My old self, had the benefit of a few years of puberty to understand what those feelings meant, rather than the content of what was happening. Like Misato said… I'd been dumped right into the middle of puberty

For all I knew, these feelings where just the normal 'Oh hey, there's a member of the opposite sex' response. How could I be sure of that? Or maybe it might be something deeper. I certainly don't get the same response from the instructor… he just made me feel plain uncomfortable. What was funny was, he was a man I thought women would find attractive. Fit, tightly built and clean shaven with a soft face and a gentle smile.

Which were blown away with military efficiency the moment he opened his mouth.

I tried the same Shinji trick… Picturing a hug, a kiss. His strong arms around my body. All I managed to do was turn my stomach.

And empty the magazine.

This was going to be complicated. How did original-body girls do it?

"Reload the weapon,"

"Last Magazine," I said, hoping for relief, sliding it home with a satisfying click. There was something pleasingly mechanical about the pistol that I couldn't quite put my finger on. A solid lump of metal, plastic and oil. Everything was smooth and positive, nothing sticking or binding. The slide-stop disengaged with a satisfyingly direct 'click', allowing the slide to spring forward with a metallic 'clack'. Nice gun or not it was a wonderful, well made _machine_ and the engineer within me could appreciate that. It was a machine that did what it was supposed to do, only did what it was supposed to do…and did it very well.

I didn't enjoy shooting… but I couldn't blame the gun. It was doing its best. If you were going to go to prison, it was nice to have a comfortable cell. I'd never want to read Gunsmith Cats again when this was done…

"Ready! Two in the chest, one in the head."

I did it. Three more shots.

"Good. Now clear the weapon and hand it to me safely,"

Remember, magazine out _first_. Pull the slide open, catch the bullet that falls out. Inspect; yeah, it's empty. Slide locked open, chamber empty.

"It's clear," I reported, offering the pistol to him, grip first.

He took it from me and inspected it, checking the chamber before letting the slide come forward.

"Good work." He nodded, curtly. "Clear up the spent casings on the floor then take a fifteen minute break. When you get back, we're going to try something called Mozambique Drill,"

I groaned.

"Haven't I suffered enough?"

Without missing a beat.

"How much do you think I'd suffer if one of you were to die of a gunshot wound under my supervision? You'll stay here until I'm satisfied there won't be a repeat of yesterday's incident."

I'd rather be in school.

Somewhere deep in the darkest bowels of hell, some demons were dropping dead of hypothermia.

**I…I**

After about three more hours of putting holes in holograms at his command the instructor let me go. Another two hours of being laser-measured for something called a 'hard-suit' followed. Beyond the Bubblegum Crisis reference, I had no idea what that actually was… it didn't appear in our training manuals and nobody would tell me anything beyond 'All the pilot's have one.'

A plugsuit mixed with some form of body armour was my guess.

One of life's little mysteries, to be filed alongside the Gremlin in Unit 03's emergency ejection system, Reis mysterious tests, and the tendency for Asukas bras to disappear from her locker even while she was still in the room.

It wasn't me… I only took clean ones from home.

Still with time before my daily sync training, I lay down on the bench in the room, letting my arms dropped to my side, dangling on the floor. If I never saw a firing range again, it'd be too soon. I'd been pencilled to do my final qualifications in two weeks time.

I had three hours to spend with my… Noriko's mother. She still managed to scare me, little worries dancing through the back of my mind asking if today was the day she'd try grabbing her daughter back. She still welcomed me as her own child. Maybe because she knew that one day I would become her child.

My mother was in the EVA. One last test she said before she died. I could see her face when I closed my eyes, smiling warmly at me.

An empty chill ran through my body.

Noriko's mother, not mine, I corrected myself.

Could this be my strength? That I know my mother is the Evangelion. If I'd just been vanilla flavoured Noriko, I might never have caught it….not until I was staring at an MP EVA's hungry grin, screaming in terror. Like Asuka… my mother would protect me.

Noriko's mother, not mine, I corrected myself again.

Not that it made any difference, but something insisted I do it. It was a token resistance.

If I could contact her somehow… could I do what Asuka did in that final battle? Could I do that _every_ battle? Super-Pilot Noriko brought a smile to my face. Could I help the others realise the truth about their Evangelion?

On top of that I knew there'd be an Angel this week. The parent teacher meeting gave it away. Shinji calls his father about it, right before the power goes down. Next one is Misato's promotion to major. The one after, some naked test. Next one, Shinji beating Asuka in Sync scores. Unit 03…which wasn't possible anymore. After that, Zeruel… but with Bardiel not possible, that one was up in the air.

I didn't have to worry about that for a while.

This was boring. Just waiting around. I'd already eaten something earlier in the day…and eating less than an hour before breathing LCL was a bad idea unless you liked the feeling of stomach acid burning your throat and lungs.

Shinji had the day off… Asuka had a medical exam. Nagisa might've been training… I didn't know what the hell that Angel did with himself. Probably took care of the stray cat population in town. I blew the thought away with an angry huff, fighting back another wave of fury.

I settled on a quick shower to wash any thoughts of him away. And the stink of gunsmoke. I didn't want to smell like a blood and guns reject from Roanapur. Hot water on naked skin was always nice, and when I was done, I could just slip into my plugsuit. I still had twenty minutes or more to wait while I fought with the plastic shrinkwrap around the suit.

Each plugsuit could only be worn once for a maximum of about 18 hours, then it was junked for hygiene and structural reasons. Each one cost about a million yen to make, give or take.

Getting into the suit was second nature, I barely even had to think about it. It snapped tight to my body, hugging my figure closer than a second skin. Deep breathing allowed it to contract a little more around my stomach, tightening a little across my chest and backside. A quick stretch was met with creaking plastic pulled taught around my shoulders. The better the fit, the better the signal to the EVA, the better the sync-rate.

Close my eyes, one long deep breath… a switch was thrown deep in my mind. The Pilot of Unit 03 opened her eyes, and smiled at herself in the mirror. I started to churn through system settings, induction modes, test procedures and technical configurations in my mind, confirming that I knew what I was doing.

I knew how to pilot. I didn't just mean I knew how to push the throttles and walk forward, that was easy. Physically moving the EVA was simple enough. If you could see yourself doing it, if you could picture in your mind how you would have to move your body to do what you needed to do, you could do it. Everything from sprinting to Bruce Lee martial arts. That was why we had firearms training… not to defend ourselves against an attack, but to build the muscle memory necessary to use a rifle in full manual mode.

In an open green field with nothing else to squash, and nothing shooting at you, Piloting was easy enough…relatively. The hard part was doing this, while balancing the load across the batteries manually thanks to a blown regulator, tracking friendlies on the ground so I don't step on them, watching where my rifle is pointing so I don't accidentally blow something expensive up if I miss the target, keeping a mental note of the nearest supply buildings and figuring out just what the hell the enemy might be doing when I'm paying attention to all of that.

Doing all that _was_ hard. I could do it. So could Shinji. So could Asuka. So could Rei.

Forgive me if I allowed a little pride to fill my chest.

And as soon as I'd gotten my plugsuit on and comfortable, I needed to use the bathroom. Typical. It could wait until I was in the entry plug.

And there I was, alone again except for the rattle in the plumbing. Now what?

A girl in a plugsuit stood in the mirror. The suit made the hips look broader, the breasts look bigger and the waist look narrower. They weren't designed to enhance the figure, they just did so as a consequence of their actual function.

They did the same to Shinji.

Shinji in his plugsuit. His body stouter, his physique trimmed….

Stop!

I could've done without knowing I had these feelings.

I could do with knowing what exactly they were. Was I… did I want Shinji, or was this just the standard 'cute boy' response. Did I want to hold Shinji? Kiss Shinji? Go to bed with him? I could feel my body, inside the plugsuit, my nipples tingling as I breathed. They were rubbing against the inside of the plugsuit… just enough. My breath was short, my heart fluttering.

A panic was rising within me, electric and powerful, matching this feeling growing in my body

I have to stop this… I have to stop. Just cool down. Damn you Misato for making me notice this… it was like a bad hum or a distant car alarm when you're in bed trying to sleep, once you realised you could hear it, you realised you couldn't stop hearing it anymore. The more you tried to block it out, the louder it got, a strange positive feedback. After the initial hormonal kick, I was doing the rest inside my own head.

Before, I could've dismissed it as apprehension…. The kind that always came before stepping aboard an Evangelion, going out in public or doing anything where people might stare at you and comment on your miserable failures. Could it just be an apprehension now… a fear that I'm feeling something rather than a real feeling? Could my fears actually be driving these feelings beyond the initial impulse? I look for a sensation in my body. I find it, confirming the worst. So I look deeper?

Maybe.

I didn't just suddenly start finding males attractive as soon as Misato mentioned it. I didn't suddenly stop liking other girls either… it just sort of stopped bothering me one day.

How can I be sure I'm not just afraid?

It's not exactly something I could test scientifically, is it? Especially since I was pretty bloody certain I was afraid of feeling something for him anyway. I can't exactly ask another girl, or woman, can I? Not only was it a weird question that'd get me weird looks, but…well…if you ask someone what hunger feels like, the answer you get is 'hunger'. The word describes the feeling absolutely, the same as 'attraction'.

Or do I lack the intellectual subtleties to see it as anything else?

Hunger and thirst, joy and sadness, anger and love… everyone knows the feelings, but how often does anyone think about the physical symptoms beyond the expression on their face?

Feelings are defined by their context…right? A certain sensation that goes away when you eat is 'hunger'. A pattern of sensation when you see a beautiful woman walk past becomes associated with 'attraction' in the mind. A girl with a different body, would have a very different sensation, but assign it the same name.

As a theory, it worked. How did I know I was attracted to Misato, or Asuka when I first arrived? The answer was simple… the mind was driving the body to fulfil its expectation. Now, the body was driving the mind?

It meant asking someone what it felt like would be pointless… I wouldn't get an answer beyond 'uh…you do, idiot.', or one from Misato something containing the words 'your', 'his', thing' and 'in'. The only person who could possibly answer the question the way I needed, was someone else who had no context.

But who was that?

The door opened. I looked up at Rei walking in, who looked down at me lying on my back on the bench, before stepping over towards her locker and starting to undress with her back to me.

That was it! Rei was the answer! Rei Ayanami, a girl artificially grown, isolated from others her entire life. The girl the fandom was sure had feelings for Shinji, but lacked the ability to understand them…. having never had a chance to mentally grow.

If anybody would know the physical feeling behind attraction, it would be her, Miss 'What is this warm feeling I have around Ikari-kun, is this love'. The only question now was whether Rei would answer or not… or give an answer I could understand.

"Rei," I ventured, watching for a response.

She didn't even turn to face me. The girl did nothing but finish unbuttoning her blouse, before shuffling out of it, letting it drop to the floor at her feet.

Okay… well, it's not like I expected her to turn towards me and ask what I wanted.

"Can I question you?"

She unhooked her cotton bra, sliding both straps off her pale shoulders. It hugged her chest for a moment, before falling to the floor, joining the rest of her clothes.

She didn't exactly say no. Just spit it out!

"What… uh… what do you feel around Shinji?"

She took her panties off, sliding them down to her knees before stepping out… one silken leg, then the other. Gathering her clothes, she began to fold them in a distinct, deliberate fashion over the clothes hangers provided.

Still no answer. Disappointed, I figured she'd probably ignored me. I stood up, stretching a little. I had a sync test to get to…

"Protective," Rei answered. "I feel protective," Just like that, in that quietly controlled voice of hers, words carefully and precisely chosen. "And you. How do you feel about Ikari?"

Red eyes turned to face me, inspecting and analysing.

"Um…"

A little stunned, I stepped back. Rei asking _me_ a question? She'd barely said two words to me outside of a battle simulation.

"I…" I started, not wanting to leave her hanging like she did me. Only then I realised the sense of what she'd done.. she'd taken time to properly consider, analyse and distill an answer she knew was right before speaking, while I was shooting from the hip, "…don't…." think! "…really um know."

"I see,"

Impassive… curious. Unnerving. Did she know something about me that I didn't? I couldn't shake the feeling that I'd just confirmed some private hypothesis of hers. She turned her back to me once more, pulling the wrappings off another of her plugsuits.

Why did she ask me what I felt for Shinji? That question followed me all the way to cage 05. Unit 03 was waiting, as she always did.

Mother. Her mother.

The thought made me smile, even as the familiar apprehension that her mother might drag her daughter back by force started to build. I _accepted_ that would happen, that didn't mean I wanted it to happen.

"Pilot!" my crew chief called me over. "Snag sheet. I need you to sign it."

The snag sheet was a list of problems with Unit 03 I'd reported, and comments from the techs who'd fixed them.

"Thanks," I said, taking the sheet.

_Problem: Ejection rails sticking again.  
Comment: Ejection rails greased again._

_Problem: Program error on switch to internal power causing overload warning.  
Comment: Software patch requires operational testing._

_Problem: IFF non-operational.__  
__Comment: IFF normally non-operational in OFF mode._

That must've been Saturday. I'd been half asleep writing those up, along with a much longer description of the problems.

"Good, thanks." I smiled up at him, signing my name at the bottom of the sheet. The sticking ejection rails were still been broken in, the tolerances when new had been a bit too tight. The overload was a glitch while testing the railgun that nearly caused the batteries to explode, and the last one was due to me being present in the entry plug in body only at the end of the day and forgetting I'd turned IFF off to shoot at Unit 02.

The entry plug was ready… I was still testing in the EVA since the simulator plug hadn't been built yet thanks to errors in the test data sent from Massachusetts. I still had to cross the armour to get to the entry plug. Someone had messed up converting from metric to imperial units while building the thing. The plug didn't match the cradles on the cranes…it was a few centimetres too wide.

Replacement cradles would come with Unit 04.

The world could agree that the world needed to be saved but they couldn't agree on the units to do it in. Some things never changed. NERV was a worldwide organisation with many different people from many different backgrounds, all working together towards one cause. Cross cultural communications could be fun… like Asuka ordering three bottles of water and getting two because she held up two fingers and a thumb to count it out, rather than three fingers. It was surprising how well things worked, considering.

The entry plug beckoned. Another rumble of fear passed through my body, but I forced it out of my mind. Slide into the saddle, plugs moulded into the suit back and waist finding their proper sockets. As usual, there was the moment of panic as absolute borderline passed, followed by the rush of growing thirty stories in three seconds.

Mother was there, still watching me. Noriko's mother... not mine.

I scanned the onboard readouts looking, checking that nothing was obviously wrong. Just when did being mind-linked with a hundred-meter tall biomech become this routine?

"Control, Unit 03. Online and stable," I radioed

Control; "Acknowledged. Good afternoon Noriko,"

Akagi's voice.

"Good Afternoon," I answered… being polite.

Control; "Noriko, We're going to run for an extra two hours today to test a reprogrammed powerflow controller,"

Crap.

"Cancel Good afternoon," I transmitted, humourlessly.

Control; "Noriko," she clambered up onto her high horse, "That power glitch on Saturday, if it had happened with Unit 04, would've caused a massive overload of its internal power source. Unit 04 would've exploded, taking Nevada base with it. We have to fix this problem before Unit 04 can be safely activated."

"I understand,"

The work has to be done... I know that. I'm just tired is all. Having a German sergeant yell at you all morning will do that. Standing naked and as still as possible in a laser scanner while it mapped out the most intimate parts of your body for two hours will do that. A woman in the control room who went out of her way to treat me like a child, didn't help.

I just got on with the business of synchronising. Feeling myself flow through the vast body of the Evangelion was a lot more satisfying than listening to an acerbic and sleep deprived doctor.

Being a Pilot was hard work... but was worth it.

**I...I**

Getting to the top of the stairs, I checked my stopwatch. Damn... a little slow. It took a few moments for me to catch my breath. My heart was racing, my muscles starting to burn. I felt like I could get up another ten flights, and still have energy to spare.

Noriko had been something of an athlete, and I'd inherited that from her for sure. Before becoming Noriko, my idea of a strenuous run had been to chase after a bus… now, I was trim and toned, fit and fast… and I loved the feeling.

I'd also taken a shine to the sportswear. A sports-bra put the brakes on the Gainax effect while running as much as humanely possible, while a figure hugging tank-top and shorts kept me cool enough as I ran.

I didn't just meet the NERV fitness requirements, I was starting to get beyond them. Like everything, it took time and effort… and dietwise it must've been two weeks since I last had a Dorito. Blame Shinji's healthy Japanese cooking and my general lack of free time to munch on junkfood for that.

A few kids downstairs were playing.

"I'm playing the red one, you always play the red one Shotaro"

"But the red one's cooler, it's go four eyes!"

"Well if you don't like that, you could play the Angels," the first countered.

"The Angels suck," the second pouted, "They always lose,"

Thanks for the vote of confidence. I listened for a few moments… but there was no mention of a black one. For one thing, the black one had much better armour… a better fire control system and an onboard computer that could discriminate between information important to the pilot and what wasn't, filter it, then report what the pilot most needed to know in a way that was easy to read at a glance. She helped me pilot her.

Asuka didn't have that in Unit 02. She made up for the lack of technical aids with raw skill, training and talent. Coupled with her EVA's relative light weight, much better manoeuvrability and better technical reliability…it was a close match.

Unit 03 was very American… big, brash, a bit overcomplex and loaded with stuff to make life easier. She had a tendency to break down from time to time, but was generally pretty solid. Unit 02 was the epitome of Germaness… efficient, functional and reliable to a tee with nothing there that didn't need to be. Not necessarily the easiest thing to use, however.

Why was I measuring myself against Asuka?

I pushed the apartment door open, kicking off my trainers against the step inside.

"I'm home," I announced.

"Welcome back," Shinji responded. "Misato's on late shift, she's still sleeping."

Asuka poked her head up from behind the couch, "Hey, Fourth… Hikari loaned me her Xbox after her dad banned her sisters from it. Want to lose at StarBlazer?"

I didn't want to lose…

"Shower first. You not appreciate sweaty smell beside, will you?"

"Well, hurry up, the AI on this game can't keep up,"

StarBlazer wasn't an easy game. The AI was quick and malicious, punishing the most minute of mistakes. The controls were complex and combo based and the action so fast and thick, you couldn't turn away from the screen. It was the perfect game to test an EVA pilot's skills.

I fetched some clothes… just some cycling shorts and a t-shirt, before steaming myself for a bit under the shower. That made four for the day… I think I might have a problem. Clean and dressed, I sat down cross-legged beside Asuka on the couch, cushion on my lap to support my chest, controller in my hands.

She gave me an odd look for a moment… I sat like that because it was comfortable, if a little on the girly side. It didn't matter, it felt good.

"Ready?" demanded the console.

Playing games with Asuka was a great way to learn to swear in German, that's for sure, especially when she kept dying to that one evil boss. The skills we'd learned as EVA Children translated well to computer games.

A nice moment. Shinji cooking and listening to the radio, Pen-Pen curled up under Asuka's legs while the pair of us shot seven shades of simulated snot out of each other. We were just three teenagers at home alone, kicking around killing time.

A few moments of peace and comfort at the end of a long day. No psychosexual anxieties getting in the way of things. No holding back against Noriko's memories… I was just… it wasn't something I could put my finger on, but I'd been feeling better and more comfortable in myself ever since Misato's talk on Sunday.

The doorbell chimed.

"I'll kill you! I kill you!" Asuka yelled, stabbing at the B button.

Wearing a hungry grin, "Lance Attack time!"

Cue the German swearing. I appreciated the irony of tearing Asuka's Cosmo fighter apart pixel by pixel with lance attacks.

The doorbell chimed a second time.

A few moments.

Asuka and I were busy playing Top-Gun in space. Our guardian was sleeping before a night of paperwork and multinational videoconferences. Pen-Pen had no thumbs. That left only one…

"Fine, I'll get it" sighed the boy, leaving his kitchenette.

Evangelion pilots were capable of playing video games at a level beyond mere mortals… training designed to help us deal with all the information on our HUD's was just as helpful when dealing with the Grand Space army of Gamilas, as it was dealing with an Angel in a crowded city.

Shinji's voice first.

Followed by a man's.

I didn't recognise it at first, but Asuka froze. So naturally I took the opportunity to kick the tar out of her fighter while she wasn't looking. The lack of annoyed protest finally clued me in to the fact that something was wrong. Pausing the game, I turned around.

"Good Evening, Asuka." Doctor Langley, smiling like a US TV newscaster, wrapped in a cheap polyester suit. "My flight back to the States leaves in a few hours, I thought I'd drop by before I left and see how you were doing,"

"I'm doing fine," she stated, clearly hoping that that would be it.

"It's your father, Asuka," Shinji beamed, clearly thinking she'd enjoy it as much as he would if his father came through the door and asked how he was.

"I know that, idiot," she snapped, with far more venom than usual.

"Asuka!" her father bit back, "Mama asked me to check up on you. She's very concerned about you, you know. She wants to know if you're keeping up with your schoolwork, and how well your guardian is treating you."

Maybe sitting within punching distance of Asuka was a bad idea.

"I don't need to be checked up on, I'm alright without you," she stated haughtily, hands firmly on hips, legs braced apart on the floor. She was not moving.

"You're not alright, Asuka. You're sitting here playing videogames when you should be studying to apply for a master's, or training for war. Without me, your self discipline is going to hell… no wonder you nearly lost on Saturday." Oh Crap… not again. "You're my daughter. Who you are reflects on me as your father. If you fail, then I look bad… and I won't have you making me look bad,"

Asuka looked like she'd been shot… again. Anger was warring with fear was warring with the obvious desire to do her damnedest to get praised by her father. She was shaking… badly. Her hands clenched into fists. Asuka was about to burst…

"You do that yourself!" she screeched… like a bomb going off. "How many women did you get through before you got my stepmother knocked up and she forced you to marry… how many? How many did you get through while Mama was in hospital? You don't even want me as your daughter, all you want is some vicarious glory… to leech off my achievements,"

"Not this again," he rolled his eyes. Shinji shrank back to his cooker. "That's not true and you know it," he stated, his voice gruff and direct. "You are my daughter, and you wouldn't have any of those achievements if I hadn't pushed you forward,"

"You treated me like a child,"

"You _are_ a child,"

"No I am not!" Asuka screamed.

"You're sure as hell acting like one," the man tried to stare her down.

"Oh like you ever acted like an adult,"

Where those tears? Just sit down, shut up and wait for it to blow over….

"That was a long time ago, and I've moved on. I love my wife, I love your stepbrother and I still love you,"

"You don't love me, you love how I reflect on you," she glared at him. "I heard you talking about me in Germany, at the State dinner before I shipped out… all you talked about was how 'I taught her everything', 'I helped her grow', 'I pushed her to fulfil her potential'… it was all about you and not about me," A breath, while she composed herself. Asukas voice cracked. "If you really loved me, then you would never have let her die,"

It was obvious to me who she was talking about…

"I didn't let her die, she did it to herself and you know it."

"As if standing around outside smooching her psychiatrist while her mind started to rot away had nothing to do with it," Asuka stepped forward, standing over me, "You pushed her over the edge and you were glad when she was gone,"

"Damn you," he snarled at her, "I loved your mother very much…. I just couldn't face…" he paused. His tone softened, "I just couldn't face what happened to her at the time,"

"Coward." Asuka spat. "Liar. I hate you."

Brutal, cold and flat.

"If you hate me, then why do you seem to be going out of your way to impress me? You hate me, but you still want to be my daughter,"

"I want…"

"Hey, hey, what's all the noise?," Misato interrupted, groggily scratching herself as she opened her bathroom door, "I'm on nights tonight y'know…" She blinked, then recognised Kyle Langley.

"I'm just here to check up on my daughter, ma'am," he said, his smile returning like it was on a lightswitch. Flick and Bing, bright white teeth.

Misato looked up at him, a full head taller than her, then at Asuka… shivering with a mixture of rage, fear and God-knows-what. She looked like she was about to cry, she looked like she was about to rip her father's head off with her bare hands.

"I think you should leave, Mister Langley," Misato said… polite, but firm.

"Now excuse me," his breast inflated, "But I think as a parent, I have a right to check up on my daughter,"

Without missing a beat, her expression turned to steel.

"As NERV Operations director, I have the right to restrict access to the pilots from anyone I feel may be a danger to their safety, or their ability to Pilot effectively. If they try to break that restriction, I can have them arrested and detained without charge, for the safety of the pilot,"

The threat was obvious.

"Well," Langley harrumphed, fixing his suit, trying to hide how much he was deflating. "If that's it then, I guess I'll be seeing you around Asuka. Good luck. Mama will call you soon,"

Asuka just stared.

Shinji watched as Langley left, probably glad he wasn't the only one who had father problems. I was almost glad I didn't have a father to have problems with. A pang of pain deep inside accompanied that thought…

Asuka was breathing hard, daring her father to burst through the door again. Shinji's pots started to bubble, while Misato watched the door in her nightshirt.

"Thanks Misato," the Second Child said, in a small voice…. Almost ashamed.

"It's my job, Asuka." Misato responded, switching effortlessly from Mother Bear to Big Sister mode "I'd do the same for the others,"

Some more silence. Pen-Pen warked. I hid down in the couch knowing better than to speak. Shinji had a bright idea…

"I don't get on well with my father, either," he said, offering a comforting smile.

"Oh shuttup you idiot!" Asuka yelled at him, "If I'm getting sympathy from a boy, maybe it's the end for me. Of course you have to get on well with your father, how else would someone like you become a pilot?"

Shinji just grimaced… like he'd expected to get burned, but stuck his hand in the fire anyway.

"Asuka," Misato put the brakes on her with a stern look.

Wide-eyes, she glanced between the three of us, while Shinji wondered just where he'd gone wrong… again.

"Dammit,"

She slammed the door on our shared bedroom so hard, it bounced back on it's railings before she slammed it a second time.

"Noriko," Misato's attention turned to me.

"What?"

Something bad was about to happen.

"You're supposed to be her friend, you should talk to her."

And die? I'd rather go to bed with Shinji…

"But if I say wrong thing,"

"Just ask her to talk to you," she advised, "Then let her speak,"

I threw her a look like she was ordering me to clear a minefield barefoot. She could order me to fight an Angel by myself, and I'd trust her… I'd trust my own ability to Pilot. But talking to Asuka about father issues was a whole different ball game. It was so easy to say the wrong thing… and so common for me to do it that I'd just stopped saying things full stop in situations like this.

"Alright,"

Reluctantly, I stood up. I wasn't to enthusiastic about being shouted at… I had no real background experience to talk with her either, from what I gathered, Noriko had gotten on well with her father… she even looked up to him, he'd been so strong after mother died, I wished I could be just like him.

Wait… crap I don't need that right now.

I shook my head to clear the memory, feeling an uncomfortable knot start to turn deep within. Right, here goes.

I slid open the door, to see Asuka lying face down on her bed. What am I supposed to say? Something as simple as 'Do you want to talk about it?'

"I heard Misato. I don't want to talk," said Asuka, her voice quiet but still with an unnerving hardness, "Not to her or you. I don't need your help. Just leave me alone,"

Oh thank God. I stepped back and threw a lock to Misato that said 'I told you so' even though I hadn't actually told her anything. She frowned at me, trying to guilt me into it, but it really wasn't an issue I wanted to force.

If the girl says no, she means no.

"Noriko…" Misato pressed.

The first pangs of guilt started to make themselves known. But really, I didn't know how to handle situations like this… If you don't know how to do a job, then don't try, you'll only make things worse if you do. In that case, find someone who does…

Who would Asuka talk to?

Who else but her best friend?

I'll call Hikari… that's what I'll do. And…what do girls do together? What excuse to bring her here?... A sleepover!

"I have… plan," I stated, feeling proud of myself for it.

I could suffer through a girl's night in for Asuka's sake.

"What is it?" Misato questioned, suddenly looking very concerned.

"I call Asuka friend Hikari. Asuka always talk with Hikari,"

"Hikari…" Misato thought, finger on her lips. "Oh her, she's sweet. Just be sure to tell security she's coming,"

"Thanks,"

Now just to ring her up. Just because I was a girl now, didn't mean I didn't feel slightly nervous before ringing her up. Her number was listed in the phonebook. The phone rang once, twice, three times… just long enough for me to remember all the times I'd been told 'no' over the phone.

"Moshi Moshi," a man answered.

Her father, probably.

"Hello. Is Hikari home?"

"Who is this?"

"Noriko, Noriko from school,"

"I'll get her. Hang on,"

Right, here goes. A few moments trepidation…

"Hello, Noriko?" Hikari's voice appeared through the earpiece.

"Uh…hi.." I gulped a little. I'm asking a girl over. "I…um… can you come over? Asuka feeling down, I think sleepover with friend will help,"

"What happened?" Concern, I heard.

"Her father," I explained, "They not… not get on well,"

"Oh… she told me he was in town, What did he do?"

"There was nasty argument,"

"Hmmm…" I could hear her thinking. "I do have a lot of chores to do. "..damn…"I'll be over in about two hours, alright,"

"Yes!"… If you could send hugs through telephone cables, I'dve been hugging Hikari tight. A girl said yes to me!.

Oh right… I'm a girl too. And we're friends… so she's got no reason whatsoever to say no.

"See you then Noriko… Bye!"

"Bye,"

We both hung up. And still, there was something exciting about that.

"Sleepover?" Misato quirked an eyebrow. "Fine, just remember you and Asuka are still on call in case an Angel attacks… and I don't want to hear reports from Section 2 about you girls being loud,"

'Oh great,' said Shinji's expression. Another night alone in his bedroom.

I was about to leave the phone, and run down to the nearest shop to pick up some snacks, when I remembered one other phone number I knew well.

I keyed Motoko's number into the phone.

**I…I**

It was still unsettling, to think just how fast Asuka went off on her father… no slow build up of frustration… just bang and gone. Asuka might be hard, but she's also pretty brittle. I got the feeling that it was a pretty common argument between the two, whenever they met.

From what I remembered… Asuka didn't even live with her family… she lived with Misato, and then Kaji. What she thought of her father was never really shown. Her stepmother was 'routine communication'. A stepbrother…. That was new.

Her father knew my mother, he said so. My mother cheated on my father. Noriko's mother and father… I could remember my father shouting at her…. Was I even his, or 'that American fuckers?' There was only one 'American Fucker' I could think of…

Was there a chance I was Asuka's illegitimate half-sister?

We did share our sizes close enough to comfortably share underwear and clothes. It was an awful possibility… a screwy one, an unlikely one… but a disturbingly possible one.

Our fathers were the difference between us. I think Noriko got on well with my father, after my mother died. He cared for her, and Noriko looked up to him. Asuka on the other hand, pretty much hated her father. But on Saturday, she'd shrunk back like a scolded puppy from him and then kicked my arse hard because of him. Today, she'd gone off on a hair-trigger.

I don't get it…

He yells at her asking 'are you my daughter', she answers yes, then lays the smackdown with a prog-knife. And the argument. You hate me, but you want to be my daughter. I want, says Asuka before Misato interrupts.

What did she want?

Damn… this was so much easier when watching it in animation… for one thing, anime characters didn't yell at you or get insulted when you got things wrong. A few nerds in an IRC channel might, but I didn't have to live with them.

Asuka was a real human being, with motivations and hopes and dreams beyond what some scriptwriter in Japan decided. She wasn't the character I saw on screen a lifetime ago… she was like that paint and cel girl… but she wasn't her. For one thing, animé Asuka didn't have a stash of 'private' magazines under the bed.

Not that I read them…

Storm clouds hung over Asuka while we ate, her cold mood sucked the warmth out of the air. It was quiet…uncomfortably quiet. Needing to something to think about other than my building apprehension at having two girls over, I decided to finally get an answer to a question that had been bugging me for a while. With some beef between my chopsticks, I asked,

"Where you learn cook so Good, Shinji?"

The boy blushed slightly, a little surprised.

"My uncle," he answered quickly, "He said a man should be able to fix a roof, stop a leaking tap, drive a car, service a car, re-tile the bathroom, cook a good meal, hold down a job, keep his wife happy and keep his kids even happier. He taught me to cook… and I kind of like it."

The boy seemed almost ashamed of it. Something about that made me smile warmly…

"Can you do the other things?" questioned Misato playfully, "The water heater's been a bit unreliable lately…"

Shinji's expression darkened.

"Well I'm impressed, Third Child," Sohryu slammed hard into the conversation, "Cookery is a skill that takes time and effort and dedication to master. My opinion of you has just risen a little,"

She just had to get in there before I spoke again, didn't she?

"Only because you don't like Misato's instant stuff," he muttered. After all, why would Asuka ever want to compliment him, she didn't even like him…

"Oh it's not _that_ bad," Misato batted it off with her hand, "Noriko eats it, don't you?"

"Better than NERV canteen," I shrugged.

Truth. Industrial grade food mixing with a stomach full of LCL was never a pleasant experience.

Asuka greened. "Ugghh… the last time I ate there I spent the next day throwing up." She was back in a good mood… or what passed for a good Asuka mood. A shell?

According to the chore-chart, I was the one doing the washing up. Bloody housework. It had to be done. We lived in that apartment; we didn't just pop in and out of existence for the duration of an episode… We had a lot of time and a lot of work in between battles.

Misato left for a night of paperwork, job scheduling and intercontinental conference calls with Germany and the States.

Better her than me.

Shinji and Asuka had monopolised the Xbox. I hated the smell of washing detergent. I hated the smell of the chimey mix of uneaten foods sloshing around the bottom of the sink. God knows I don't want to be a housewife, if I have to grow up to be a woman. So, what sort of woman did I want to be then? Noriko the Yamato Nadeshiko housewife just didn't feel right, but then it wasn't too long ago that wearing a skirt to school just didn't feel right either… among other things.

Growing up to be like Misato didn't seem too bad... I could almost picture that in my mind. Noriko Katsuragi... We did have a lot in common, almost too much to be a coincidence.

I had things in common with Misato... orphaned survivor of a disaster and all that. The things I had in common with Asuka, were the same things that made me her opposite. Our mother's were both thirty stories tall. Her father is a muppet, while Noriko looked up to mine. Hers was alive, mine was dead.

I wonder what he'd think of his only daughter being a Pilot.

That was a kick in the gut… an emptiness that opened wide inside me. Behind, Shinji was kicking Asuka's arse at Forza Motorsport on the Xbox… much to her chagrin.

He wasn't _my_ father. Somehow, that rang hollow this time. Whether he was my father or not, he was still a good man, he still cared for me… her… whatever. I could _feel_ his arms holding me as the plane went down.

I could close my eyes, take one long deep breath and just sit on it.

"Shinji, stop hitting my ass!"

"Well stop going so slow then!"

At least I wasn't alone here. I had Misato. I had friends coming over.

"I'm not going slow, you're going too fast into the corners. Using the leader as a brake is cheating you know?"

"Because you go so slow and get in my way,"

They really did have a thing for each other, didn't they? I watched Shinji argue, wondering just what my feelings were. I felt…something. I felt it again watching him….watching him smile, watching him bark back at Asuka. Just a biological thing nothing more, I told myself firmly.

All I had to do was remind myself of the many hundreds of Shinji/Asuka lemons out there that made _The Aristocrats_ seem tame to kill it with a wave of nausea. Damn you Misato for pointing this out to me.

And what if I did start building _real_ feelings for Shinji, and not just some biological echoes? What do I do when my mind decides to go along with it? The same unnerving tension came back, my body tightening into itself. I certainly got a stronger reaction from him, than other males.

Great…

I finished washing up, and stashed the dishes in their proper place, cleared up the mess, and generally started trying to figure out what the hell girls did on these sleepover things. Deciding it was futile to figure out… and that I'd find out soon enough anyway… I did the English language draft of that conspiracy thing Kyon had asked me to do. It'd have to be translated with a dictionary, but I was pleased with the result. A mashup of a hundred half-remembered fanfics, some of my favourite animé and enough keywords to attract the right kind of attention…. It felt good to write _something_ again.

It was the truth about NERV. More or less. With just enough changes and flavouring to make it seem like a random coincidence. Nothing I could think of was more screwed up than the truth.

The final few moments before arrival time were spent shuffling around the internet. Despite how different the post Second Impact world was, it surprised me how much was the same…. Exactly the same in some cases. The internet for example, seemed to have just been time shifted by about seven or eight years. The web of 2015 wasn't that different to the web I remembered at all. Even some of the same websites were still up.

An example of parallel evolution?

I thought about trying my old login on some pop culture wiki site…it was close enough to what I remembered that I really thought it would work, even if by rights, that should've been a ridiculous idea… an idea which was interrupted by the door chime. Feeling the lightning bolt of excitement that always followed the arrival of female company, I closed the lid. The excitement died when I remembered they weren't here as my girlfriends, but as my friends because I'm a girl.

"Shinji, you have to go to your room now, this is a girls-only thing…"

Girls only. My God, what have I done to myself?

The boy gave a sour look, but complied. I stopped at the door, not sure what was going to happen when I opened it. What did girls actually do on these things? For that matter, what did anyone? I never had friends over before….

There were the traditional male assumptions…. Though those were more wishful fantasy, than grounded in reality. Watch a few films, play a few games… the first morsel of junk food I've had in about three weeks, then sleep.

No mystery.

I opened the door.

"Noriko!" Hikari greeted, with a cheerfulness that contrasted with her usual class representative persona, "What's this thing with Asuka?"

"Nothing," came the flat-tone answer from the couch, "The Fourth Child just overreacted when Misato prodded her to do something,"

Hikari frowned, looking at me, then at Asuka.

"Well, we're here now," she smiled.

"Motoko?"

"Downstairs with the security guards," Hikari answered,

"What?..." that shouldn't happen. "I told them she was coming, and who she was,"

"They said she was on their watch list," Hikari explained, "Probably because she was the one who originally outed Shinji as the Pilot of Unit 01," she said, sourly. "They might think she's a security risk,"

How stupid of Section 2. Then again, I've heard of worse excuses being used by airports. I left her to her fate, turning my back on a closing door. She'd be up in her…

"He~eey!"

Motoko's voice nearly made me jump out of my skin. How did she do that? Did she teleport up ten flights of stairs or what?

"Oh Hey," I recovered quickly

"Those damn guards of yours made me take all my stuff out of my backpack and scanned it," she complained. "At least the lift worked, I don't know why Hikari took the stairs,"

"Never work before," I said, "That first time," Really… first time since I moved in that that lift had worked. "It normal stick on third,"

Motoko glanced nervously back at the still open doors.

"I could've been…"

"I bought Pizza and snacks," I smiled, trying to pull back her attention.

Her expression dropped, "My mom put me on a diet," she said meekly.

"I diet by NERV." I stated, "But break nice," She gave me a puzzled look, not quite comprehending what I was trying to say. Damn it. "Mom not here!"

That, she understood. She found them in the fridge a few moments later.

"So, what films are we watching?" Hikari enquired.

"We have _Moonlight: Riding Darkness_," said Asuka, "I rented it yesterday,"

"Ew…" I cringed.

Three girls turned to face me, shocked like I was some sort of heretic for saying it. Motoko interrupted her browsing…

"What?" I blinked uncomprehendingly. That was the film I thought it was, right? "Jedward Langdon sneak into Jemma bedroom at night. He stand over sleeping body. Imagine he stand over you while sleep. He can do anything to you. Masturbate, rape…. But he just watch and leave. You see him next day, what do you say?"

Asuka turned green again. "Kimochi Warui,"

And sometimes, with the right direction, Asuka was exactly like her fictional counterpart.

"It's still very romantic," the class rep defended herself.

I knew I'd won. But I'd also missed the point, in a way. The point was that we were there, together, in our pyjamas with each other. The film was crap, but it wasn't the film that mattered, it was the act of watching the film with friends while gorged on junk food.

I think.

I learned never to watch _Knowing_ again, or rather one particular scene of it. I learned that a hug from a friend is so much nicer without a few million years of biology wondering if that hug might be going any further. It was just nice to be held by Motoko, without anything getting in the way. I learned that while playing some version of Truth or Dare the correct answer to 'Have you lost your virginity yet?' is not an honest 'I don't know', but just a flat out 'No'…

"I don't think anyone who fingers herself so much could rightfully call herself a virgin anyway," snarked Asuka

"Hey!" I squealed, "You do to!"

"Not for half an hour or more every night when I think everyone's gone to sleep." She tittered.

Red faced with shame, I fired back, "You mumble names in your sleep, you know. Mmm.. Kaji so big. Kaji lick my…"

She drew herself up , "That's different. We're both adults," She was younger than me by nearly a year. "And besides, you still haven't answered the question."

I looked to the television for help.

"_Frankly my Dear, I don't give a damn,_" the playing movie responded.

Thanks.

"I am fourteen. Of course I am."

"Shiori's thirteen, and she's pregnant," Hikari declared.

Wait, what? Three girls just stared at her.

"Uh-huh," she nodded sagely, "She got stuck with her boyfriend in a room together during the last attack and they….ick….did the deed," Her disgust was obvious. "She found out last week, and her parents are having a cat. They don't know whether to be glad she could, or mad that she did. "

"Poor thing," said Asuka.

"They're too young to marry," Horaki said, softly, "Though I think he said he'd stay with her."

Motoko giggled, "Jeez you're old fashioned,"

The class-rep glared, "My father raised me right,"

Asuka winced, "He'll dump her at the first convenient opportunity. He's probably only going along with it because he's being pushed," she declared.

"Her Father?" I misinterpreted.

"Are you stupid? Her boyfriend of course"

"Kazu never seemed that sort, actually," Hikari corrected her, before taking a few moments to ponder on it. I was stuck playing catchup, translating Asuka's last comment.

"They're _all _like that,"

Given who her father was, I suppose I could understand why she would think that. Then why the hell did she cling to Kaji like a limpet?

"Can we get back to the game?" Motoko chopped the topic off, "It's Asuka's turn, Truth or dare?"

"Truth," the Second Child answered with a flourish. Nobody wanted to be dared to eat Pen-Pen's fish. The bird will kill to protect it.

Hikari, Motoko and I drew into a huddle to consider are options. There was no option, with a whisper loaded with a commanders authority, Hikari spoke, "Let me try something," It wasn't a request, and I wasn't in the mood for an argument. Motoko just look glad she'd been kicked out of 2-A.

Steeling herself, with an expression behind her glasses like a miniature teacher in training, she spoke.

"Tell me the truth about your father," she said. Asuka was appalled at the betrayal. "Unless you want to lose the game,"

And that right there explained just how Hikari and Asuka had somehow managed to become friends. Hikari could be sharp enough to cut straight through Asuka's bluster.

"He's an asshole," Sohryu said, obviously hoping to leave it at that.

"That's not enough," Horaki needled like a good psychiatrist.

My own friend leaned forward, hoping to see the greatest secrets of the mysterious foreign red-head laid bare. I'd already seen them onscreen…. For the most part…. Still it was fascinating to watch.

"Alright," she held her hands up, before fixing the pair of us with a deadly gaze. "If any of this leaves this building, I will kill you," It was a promise she'd keep, I sensed. She sat silent for a second, digging through the darker parts of her mind. She squirmed and shuddered as she dug things out, filtered them down to the bare minimum she could get away with telling. Deep breath to centre herself.

"So, my father's an asshole, right? Well…. He's a total Jim Kirk. He cheated on my mom before I was born. He cheated on her while he worked late projects. He cheated on her while she was dying in hospital." A pause. Pen-pen was watching. Shinji was probably asleep… it was near three a.m. "He treats women like things to be conquered… and his children as nothing more than inconveniences, or another means of vicarious gratification,"

She gave me a moment to catch up. Horaki already regretted asking. Motoko was enraptured. Asuka was starting to look almost ashamed.

"I hate him," she stated with a coolness that made it all the more believable than some spur of the moment scream, "He got my stepmother pregnant. I don't hate her. She was trapped by him, and she had the guts to force him to marry her and actually take responsibility for my stepbrother. I…_respect _her," and that word was carefully chosen, "And she at least tried to be my mama. Kara does care about me, even though I'm not her daughter. She's a good person and we maintain routine communications."

A momentary break to let the information digest.

"But if I never saw that shit-eating sack of meat I have the misfortune of sharing a chromosome with again, it'd be too soon. The only time he ever treats me like his daughter is when I do something that he can take credit for."

There was real steel hate behind her voice. Another beat.

"Now is _that _enough truth?"

If she hates men like her father, then why does she glomp Kaji the instant he enters the same room as her? She hated her father… understandably, the man was a bollocks… but she still wanted his approval, how did that work? Wasn't there some Jung thing where a girl whose father ignores her looks for her father in other men… or was that Misato? For an EVA-fan, I never knew much about psychology, preferring oedipal jokes about how Shinji was more inside Yui than his father ever was, to serious thinking.

Hikari nodded, closing the matter.

"Jeez," snorted Sohryu, "You should be a psychiatrist. Anyway, my turn," that savage gleam returned to her eyes as all those dark thoughts were crushed away with practiced efficiency, "Motoko, truth or dare?"

"Dare," was the too-cocky answer.

Looks like my best friend gets to eat penguin food. Better her than me.

I closed the night living every fanboys dream. I slept in the same bed as Asuka Langley Sohryu. The pair of us where sandwiched between a silent penguin-scratched Motoko, and a snoring Horaki. I felt….nothing. I could smell Asuka's perfume… her face was inches from mine, her breath softly tickling my face.

I was hurtling towards the female event horizon…dropping faster and faster since Sunday. I wanted so badly to feel _something_… a tingle, a tickle, anything at all. There was no desire… none whatsoever.

I wasn't sure what was better…. Being able to sleep in a bed with three other girls and not being a nervous ball of sweating shame, flinching and thrilling everytime Asuka's arm brushed against my nipple, or still having that piece of myself that would stare at Misato's 'scar'.

Just another piece of me dissolved away. Another brown leaf of personality blown of the autumn tree that was myself. New leaves would grow in spring and then…. I found I hated that metaphor.

The good thing was I wasn't being kept awake with unrequited desires.

The bad thing was, I was being kept awake by my own identity worries.

If it wasn't one thing, it was the other.

**I…I**

Wednesday was a day of waiting.

Long, hot and sweaty… half asleep in class while the teacher spent a half hour trying to figure out how to make an old DvD player work with a pre-Impact TV, to play some public information film the government had decided to inflict on all schools in the Kanto region. The screen finally flickered to life when he found the right AV channel

_Protect and Survive under Angel Attack._

It hadn't anything to do with me….When the sirens started to wail, I had other things to worry about… so I just busied myself translating my Haruhi project. The film started with an image of a pristine Tokyo-3, glittering in the sun.

The narrator spoke like an adult talking to children half our age.

"_We all know the Angels are very dangerous, and we must get ready for them, just as we a ready for many other dangers that are around us. First, you have to know what happens when an Angel attacks… you will know when one comes, we hope one won't, but we must get ready. We must be ready every day, all the time to do the right thing, should an Angel attack."_

Pictures of people living in the city. On trains, in cars, kids outside the school.

"_There will be two kinds of attack; with warning, and without any warning. We think that most of the time we will have warning before the Angel arrives. You may be in your schoolyard playing when the signal comes."...A siren..."That signal means to stop what you are doing and get to the nearest shelter fast! Know where you are to go, or ask an adult to help you. You know the places marked with this Kanji? They're safe places to go when you hear the signal."_

The school shelter was built inside the mountain behind it… and was probably the safest one in the city. The narrator's tone darkened.

"_Sometimes… and this is very, very important… sometimes an attack can begin without any warning, or Non-nuclear weapons may be used. Then, the first thing you will know about it may be the flash of an explosion. That means get down and shield yourself fast, there is no time to look around and wait. A non-nuclear initiation looks something like this."_

Stock footage of Old Tokyo being nuked 15 years ago. It looked like CGI, but was the real thing.

"_There is a bright flash, brighter than a thousand suns, brighter than anything you've ever seen. You know how bad sunburn can feel; well the flash from an N-two explosion can burn you worse than a terrible sunburn. It's such a big explosion it can smash in buildings and knock signboards over, and break windows all over the city. It could knock you down hard, or throw you against a tree or a wall."_

The damage to the old city… the parts that hadn't been flooded. Burned logs lay down in the streets.

"_This is what to do if you should be in a corridor… get down and shield yourself. Try to fall away from glass or windows. Then, if the glass breaks and flies through the air, it can't fly through you."_

Adult 'children' throwing themselves against a cardboard 'wall', burying their face under their hands.

"_If you are in class when the attack comes duck down and take cover under the table. Then if the attack makes anything in the room fall down, it won't fall on you."_

Just like the earthquake drills, which the Pilots also did.

"_If an Angel attacks, the Evangelion may be used against it. The Evangelion is a powerful weapon, but can be as dangerous as an Angel to you. It is thousands of times your size, and may not always be able to see you on the ground. Try to stay out of its way. If you cannot flee to a shelter, then duck and cover yourself. Try to get close to a solid building which may protect you from rocks and broken glass kicked up by the Evangelion."_

Computer generated Evangelion, fighting computer generated Angel.

"_Yes, we must all get ready now, so we know how to save ourselves when the next attack comes. Remember what to do friends, now tell me right out loud, what are you supposed to do when an attack begins?"_

"_Protect and Survive"_, answered the movie's artificial class.

What myself and the pilots were supposed to do when the call came, was to run to a convoy of Humvee-alike trucks waiting in the school carpark, and be driven straight to Headquarters at full pelt through the city to try and get there and get the EVA's launched before the Angel arrived.

The rest of the day was as long as it was hot. Just waiting for the Angel to appear, ticking the time over in my mind. It was supposed to be _after_ school, on the way home from school. Shinji called his father… the phone went dead halfway through the call, and then the pilots had fun crawling through random ducts and crawl-ways for a few hours before plinking the Angel.

I was a lot more confident than I had been going to the last Angel.

Nagisa had his own fanclub among the girls… but it didn't seem to faze him. He just went through the motions of being a student. If someone talked to him, he'd talk back and be so obtuse and confusing, they'd just give up. I think that's what some of the girls liked about him. Tellingly his fanclub mostly consisted of the school's _Moonlight_ fangirls… he had the (mis)fortune of being a dead ringer for Jedward Langdon.

They even sounded alike. They spoke alike…using the same obtuse half-truths that could entice the unwary and allow them to draw their own conclusions. Naturally, some of the boys hated him already…. Only the fact that he was a Pilot was saving his arse from a good kicking. Schoolkids were still schoolkids…. But nobody dared bully an EVA pilot.

I hoped someone would give him a good intro to the darker side of humanity.

I didn't know if he'd met Shinji yet….Shinji himself hadn't said anything about him. I hoped Shinji hated him. I hoped I could poison Shinji against him. This made me smile.

The walk to the Geofront for an evening's testing was the longest in my life… just waiting until Shinji peeled off to make a phonecall, or for the lights to fall silent. I wanted to fight, I wanted to show off my new training. I wanted to get an Angel kill and this was one of the easiest Angels to beat, after all.

All it did was stand there, drop some orange acid and get shot dead.

Unless there was another crane moment. But what could go wrong? Everything, now that I'd cursed the mission with that careless thought. We could get lost on the way down to headquarters, for a start.

The longest day finished with no sign of the incoming Angel…except for rain. Barring any weirdness, tomorrow was going to be a fun day.

**I…I**

I jumped awake and screamed.

"My ears! My fucking ears!"

Panting.. panicking in the darkness, I was afraid to terrified of touching them, in case what I thought had been a nightmare… had been anything but. That had happened before. Hesitantly, I brought one hand up, brushing through a few stray strands of hair, before gently probing with a finger to check what was there.

Fearing plastic, I blew a sigh of relief as I felt only all natural flesh.

The rest of my body started to wake up, checking in with the brain to make sure everything was alright. I pulled up my nighshirt and checked my stomach… no polished yellow and black armour.. just that same nasty-looking scar. My chest… soft, perky and tingly. My legs, long and smooth… my arms. All normal, Mark-1 human.

I was…myself.

Thank God.

Raindrops pecked at the window, Asuka stirring in her bed beside me.

The night before Matariel…I guessed… and I'd just been reminded of one of the last Evangelion fanfics I'd had a chance to read. Of Asuka, burned down to a screaming bag of meat by the Angel's acid, then rebuilt into some creepy Evangelion/human hybrid. It was the fanart that stuck most on my mind…

I dropped lay back down on my back, feeling my chest bounce a little. I'd just barely gotten used to being Noriko… I didn't want to be…sangokiko.

It sounds stupid… but it kept me from sleeping for quite a while.

**I…I**

"What's got your goat today, Noriko?" Motoko asked over lunch. We'd found our usual spot, sitting on a low concrete wall by some shrubs at the edge of the yard, near the older school buildings.

I was buzzing, waiting for the Angel… just counting the hours until school ended. I'd even checked up on open routes down to the Geofront… anything to keep the thoughts of a yellow armoured Noriko-bot out of my mind. Even if there was just the little bit of me that liked cyberpunk stuffs and thought it'd be… interesting, the whole melting alive in acid beforehand just didn't appeal

"A feeling," I answered her.

"About what?"

"An Angel today," I said with a knowing smile.

She glanced nervously around at the schoolyard, "Really? They tell you about them beforehand?"

"No. Just feeling in bones,"

She gave me a dubious look, "Did you predict the last one?"

I gave her a cat-like smirk. "Yup."

"….really?"

A nod. "I have high midichlorian count,"

True…Someone working for Marduk loved Star Wars references. Supposedly, a midichlorian was a genetic marker that showed up after Second Impact… the higher the count, the greater fraction of cells with the marker, the better chance a Pilot could synchronise. It was of course, a total arsepull….For one thing, I was conceived with my genetics set in stone about seven months before the Impact.

"The Force is with you then," she joked, catching a reference I doubt many in the post-Impact generation would've.

I shrugged "I prefer Star Trek,"

"I don't care. I prefer Harrison Ford," she giggled.

I used to like Carrie Fischer… not anymore. Sitting on a hot school playground wearing a blouse and skirt, I felt that loss keenly.

"Mark Hamill," I said…. Reluctantly going along with what I guessed was expected.

"Too goodey-goodey… Han Solo is rough and tough,"

I shrugged it off. I may have lost my ability to feel an interest in women, but I'll be damned if I'll be drawn into boy-talk. Which I could file right alongside my statements of willing damnation upon feeling comfortable wearing skirt, masturbating and generally doing anything remotely girly up to that point that had now become a comfortable routine. What next? I may be talking about boys, but I'll be damned if I kiss Shinji? I may have kissed Shinji, but I'll be damned if I sleep with him. Okay, I may have slept with Shinji, but I'll be damned if I marry him. I may be marrying him, but I'll be damned if it's a Japanese style wedding.

Misato'd already pushed me down the slippery slope… and I was starting to fall so bloody fast. I don't want my life to be a stupid high-school romance. I don't want any do-I-or-don't-I feelings for Shinji or fucking anyone else for that matter. I don't want to be a normal girl…

But that's what I was becoming.

"Is something wrong, Noriko?" Motoko asked me, her face concerned. She placed a comforting hand lightly on my shoulder. Dammit… I was almost starting to cry again. Can't I do anything else these days?

"Just memories," I lied… and felt awful for doing it. "I think I hear plane, remember the crash,"

Which after what happened watching that film Tuesday night, made perfect sense. Motoko just looked uncomfortable, looking at her feet for a few heartbeats as she tried to figure out just what she could say.

"I really don't know" she said quietly, "Nothing like that's ever happened to me, so…. I can't say I know how you feel. I'm sorry I can't sympathise."…a pause…"I saw it on the news, and I remember hearing about a girl survivor…. It feels kinda weird to meet someone from something I saw on TV. I know it sounds funny," she laughed nervously, grabbing the back of her head, "..but stuff like that never seemed real until I met someone,"

It was a feeling I knew well….

I smiled warmly at her, "I understand. Hard to know what to say, or how to talk about. Afraid to say bad thing, offend me…or if you might hurt. "

Always wondering what you're supposed to say and do….how to act when you've got no experience yourself and you're thankful for not having had anything like that happen to you? You're afraid to ask what it was like, but still morbidly curious to know.

A black JSSDF chopper thumped its way across the city sky; doors open so I could see right through it. I watched it arc over the city for a half-second, cameraman hanging out the door like a Vietnam gunner, shooting the city beneath.

"Yeah…that's it. It makes it hard to talk to adults, too. My parents never talk about it… they just dodged the question when I asked about Second Impact."

Anyone over the age of about eighteen would be old enough to remember Second Impact, to remember being panicked, half-drowned and to have lost everything they own to the ocean… then get nuked, irradiated, crammed into a hellish refugee camp riddled with diseases once though eradicated and starved for a few months while watching family members die off or be killed by a government using deadly force to maintain some semblance of order. There was stuff about A country survivors and B country rebuilders in there, but I didn't pay attention to that in class.

"I was born in Usui camp," I said.

"Wow… with real running water," she cooed mockingly. "Someone was born with a silver spoon,"

The JSSDF chopper banked overhead, taking pictures of the school. Kensuke Aida returned the favour from the roof of the gym. It circled the yard once or twice, Rei sitting in her own private space watched it, before returning to her book. A _Hotaru_ VTOL from NERV chased it away with a jet scream that sent chills down my spine.

Shinji was talking with Kaworu.

"Son of a bitch," I snarled, shocking Motoko,

"I was kidding," she shrunk back.

"… Not you,"

"What then?" she queried.

"New Pilot. I not like him."

"He seems fine to me," she said. "A bit weird, but all you EVA kids are,"

I glared. " You not work with him. Real creepy, real dangerous. Not even human!"

Again… just like with Shinji the other day.

"Jeez… " she held her hands up, "Alright, I believe you,"

"Sorry," I relaxed. I had to stop going off like a bomb each time someone talked about him…it was just going to alienate everyone and make me look like a total bitch.

"What did he do to you?" she asked me, tentatively.

Stole my life. Stole my gender. Stole my identity.

"Call it…female intuition," I said, trying not to snap her head off

"That's a bad reason," she stated, sourly.

"He still…. Weird to talk to."

"He's still handsome," she nudged me in the shoulder. "All the fanboys have the mysterious Rei to admire, it's nice to have a mysterious boy to think about at night. He's cool, he's _bishounen_, he's mysterious. He's just like Jedward Langdon," she cooed.

"He sink teeth into neck when you turn back,"

She sat there pensively for a moment, probably understanding that whatever had suddenly turned me into a bitch, was a hell of a lot deeper than I was letting on. I watched the two Pilots talk, Shinji questioning Nagisa, his expression puzzled.

He was answered with a quick word.

Shinji started, confused for a moment. What did Nagisa just say to him? Fighting the urge to charge across the yard and but in between the pair, I sat rigid on the concrete… staring…glaring. I wasn't going to let him hurt Shinji. I wasn't going to let him be kind to Shinji,

Another question from the Third Child.

Kaworu's answer made him cringe down into his trousers, the pilot of Unit 01 blushing across the cheeks… ashamed.

What the hell?

He said…something…quickly, blurting it out before hurrying away, thoroughly and obviously weirded out. It brought a sinister smile to my face to see the boy-Angel saunter off alone.

"Oh I see," Motoko's voice intruded, "_Someone_ is jealous. Afraid the newcomer my steal your crush away?" she teased, grinning at me.

Uh… my mind deadlocked. I wanted to scream 'No' in her face, but it just wouldn't come out my mouth. Instead, there was just this horrible feeling inside me that at some level, she might've been right.

"I don't know," was all I managed, my voice lost in the bustle of the yard.

"Oh wow," she laughed, covering her hand, "That's it!" Like she'd uncovered the final secret of Fatima…

"Stop," I pleaded. "I don't know I…." I was blushing.. "I not know feeling," I was quivering like my insides had just turned to jelly. "I….I…._This is all fucked up,"_ I crashed back into my native language.

Motoko watched, puzzled. "….It's nothing to be ashamed of, especially since you live with him and all" she said, her tone conciliatory… but tentative like she was afraid I'd snap off n her face. "I mean, you're fourteen, not twelve,"

Which reminded me of what Misato had told me.

"The plane crash before I…"… what word did Misato use again… "before I _grew_." I pointed at my chest. "I puberty in sleep… and when I wake up.", I cupped my boobs and squeezed lightly.

"Oh…" understanding dawned. "That's… that's kinda fucked up," She was lost for words for just one moment. "Jeez," she rolled her eyes scornfully high "I wish I could go to sleep one night and wake up with boobs like those. How fast did they grow?"

Catching the joke, I appreciated the attempt.

"Female mech pilot," I said with a joking smile, "Do you watch animé? All mech pilots required to be a bit…big."

Asuka, Rei and myself were noticeably 'more developed' than the other girls in the school, something they liked to snark on behind our backs.

"I wonder if the boys are bigger too?" she mused aloud.

"Don't know," I shrugged, dismissively. And didn't want to know… regardless of how the hormones surging through my body felt about it, I can still control myself.

Now can I get back to worrying about being dissolved down into a screaming human potato along all the other myriad ways I could screw up today's Angel battle? That I could deal with easily enough…. I knew more or less what to expect from the Angel, and I'd done weeks of pretty serious training to be able to handle it. I'd been on an active mission and not screwed up…even if something a bit odd had happened.

The school's electronic bell called an end to lunchbreak, chiming like the destroyed Big-Ben.

"Noriko," Motoko said as we both stood up, "If there is an Angel today, Good Luck,"

That just made me feel warm all over.

"Thank you very much," I bowed down… surprising her. Did I get that wrong? Bowing was supposed to be a sign of respect and I was genuinely grateful for her just being there and talking with me.

"It's the least we can do," she said, a little embarrassed, "You pilots all risk your lives to protect everyone. We just sit in a shelter and listen to the rumblings of war overhead, hoping you win, while wondering if we'd live long enough to feel the ceiling collapse in on top of us if you don't. Noriko," she gripped my hands between hers firmly, warmly, "The only thing I can do to help is to be your friend. I can't get into the cockpit with you, but I can still be here for you to help you deal with it,"

"Thank You," I repeated, sincerely, feeling a little awkward.

Shinji had the other stooges, Asuka had Hikari, I had Motoko. Rei had… herself. So long as we had them, we could deal with anything. It made sense…. In the original series, Asuka turned to Hikari after Arael. When Hikari was evacuated, what happened to Asuka?

"I think… back to class," I suggested. The yard had almost emptied.

I felt good again. Was that the value of a friend in a world like this. I attended class in body only, my spirit was busy winging through the school's chatrooms… I thought about trolling the Nagisa fan-club…. But… I was being too much of a bloody bitch. I hate _him_… it didn't do me any good to take it out on everyone else. I'd just end up isolating myself, and driving everyone into his waiting arms. I'm not stupid, I wasn't going to make him into a martyr…. I wasn't going to make him the victim. I'd bet that was his plan all along. Motoko's reaction showed me that much.

And whatever Nagisa'd said to Shinji had really bothered him.

Looking to force my mind away from the Angel, I finished translating my little Haruhi piece, and emailed it on to Kyonichi. I kept turning Motoko's words over and over in my mind…. They made me feel a little better each time I replayed that moment. I'd swallowed my daily dose of angst and whining with a spoonful of Motoko Hino supplied sugar to help it go down.

I'd see her again tomorrow.

Class dragged on. I sat there like an excited child asked to sleep on Christmas Eve. The drone at the front kept nattering on about socio-political changes and how everyone single one of us was supposed to be grateful for all our parents suffering through the hells of Second Impact so that we could be born and live a life of luxury and comfort on the backs of their struggle.

Why didn't I just head straight down to headquarters then, instead of staying and listening to one long old-aged guilt trip? Because I couldn't explain why I'd skipped school and gone down there on the very day an Angel just happened to attack.

I just had to sit and wait.

And wait.

And sweat.

The school's bell chimed ending the day… I was gone like a bullet before it stopped. I could be early for my training… I might even make it down before the power died. If I can catch the electric train down, I might just be able to make it in time to have the Angel all to myself.

All It could do was drip acid on the ground, it'd be an easy shoot.

Which was a wonderful time to be reminded of last night's nightmare. That was just a fanfic! I snapped at myself. And so was the story about the adult male waking up in a teenage girl's body, and becoming a character in his favourite animé…. That seemed like a great laugh until I went to bed one night in Dublin, and woke up in a Tokyo hospital.

This wasn't the world I saw on TV. It was like it… but it was already different because of me.

"Hey, Noriko… wait for us!" Asuka called out across the yard, waving at me, "We're doing our harmonics today, remember?"

Shinji was with her, with Rei bringing up the rear. No Kaworu.

That put an end to any thoughts of a solo mission. Well, it wasn't like they'd send me out alone, I was still the newest active pilot and they didn't know this was one of the weakest Angels while I couldn't tell them it was.

"Alright. I just get out of sun," I lied. Looks like we were going together… I'd probably screw up by myself anyway.

**I…I**

The walk through the city was awful. I couldn't stop listening for any distant signs of the Angel. A crash, an explosion, a siren. My whole body stretched taught, ready to start running at an instants notice.

It was the hardest thing not to just rush the others ahead with me.

Kaworu was nowhere to be seen… either he took a different way down or didn't have any tests today since he didn't have an EVA to test in… I was determined not to worry about it.

"I was talking with the Fifth child at lunch," Shinji picked a wonderful time to bring it up. I winced, closing my eyes and biting back before I could say something I'd regret.

"Oh him, he's weird," Asuka announced.

Shinji frowned. "He is… a little." The boy seemed almost ashamed of himself for saying it.

I wanted to kiss him. Figuratively.

"He's like the First child." Sohryu explained, "He was probably brought up alone, with only scientists for company. He never met a child his own age and…"

"I am not like him," a soft voice from behind interrupted her like a hard slap. Rei had decided to remind everyone she was following.

Asuka glowered at her, standing right in front of her. "Yes you are! You both have the same eyes, the same skin… if I didn't know better, I'd swear you were brother and sister. He's just a little better at faking emotions."

'Why the fuck am I standing here listening to this?' Rei's expression asked. It was so hard not to laugh, it was the funniest thing to see. Either her body didn't quite know how to display just how annoyed she was, or she was squelching down hard on her frustration...

"I am not like him," Rei repeated. "We share a genetic disorder, that is all," Her voice had hardened, ever so slightly. She looked at me, then Shinji.

"Oh come on," Asuka took that as a direct challenge. "You're just a doll faking emotions. You're not even good at faking anger," she stabbed, hoping to a get reaction.

"Uh…" Shinji tentatively interrupted, edging forward like someone seeing just how much pressure it would take on the switch to detonate the mine, without setting it off , "Ayanami's not faking,"

He took the words right out of my mouth.

Asuka held her nose imperiously in the air, "Nobody could stay _this _calm, she has to be faking it."

One of Rei's arms twitched like she wanted to hit Sohryu a belt. Pissing Rei off... now that's impressive. Part of me hoped she'd just let go because Rei slapping Asuka... that'd be hilarious. No matter how much of Asuka's friend I claimed to be, I knew she could be a bleeding pain in the arse at times. Instead, Rei showed the self control of a Saint, wearing only a mildly bitter expression, like she'd swallowed a sour sweet by surprise.

"Can we continue," she said calmly, stepping around the Pilot of Unit 02. It wasn't a request.

"Damn you!" Sohryu sneered at her back. "Damn you Shinji for taking her side!"

The green-eyed monster reared its head. He looked like he'd expected that, resigned to his fate. Asuka took off after Rei, chasing her while. Shinji just took a breath, concluded it was worth it, then walked beside me.

"_She really_ _does have it for him bad," _ I commented to myself.

Shinji thought.

" _Have what?"_

What? Right, he takes English classes at school, all Japanese schoolkids do. I didn't, because I was taking extra Japanese. He probably wasn't anywhere near conversational… school language classes tended to edge towards getting the student passed the exam, rather than getting the student to say anything useful.

Still. It gave me a choice. I could tell him exactly how Asuka felt about him… he did ask what she had for him, didn't he.?I could tell him how Asuka secretly had a crush on him, that the only reason she acted like she hated him was because she hated him being so meek, when she knew how courageous he could be. I could tell him how she wanted him to be strong and courageous, like when he dived into the volcano to pull her out without so much as a moment's thought.

I didn't.

As much as it seemed like an exciting thing to do…. I just couldn't bring myself to betray Asuka like that. She didn't even know her own feelings… I wasn't going to out them to Shinji. Well...not directly...

"Jealousy," I said

"Why would she be jealous," Shinji questioned me.

"Because, you defend Rei," I answered.

He looked pensive for a moment, "But, Asuka was wrong. I've seen Rei smile,"... he smiled to thing about it. "It just didn't feel right to let her say otherwise,"... another rush of shame.

And Rei told me she felt protective of him.

"Like she need..uh... you protect?"

"Unh," he nodded.

He's really sweet, I thought... before realising it. That 'tightness' started to spread through my body... a butterfly's flutter in my heart. Stop it!

"You talk with Nagisa," I jumped off that train of thought, "What he say?

"He's weird," Shinji said... again, looking pensive. "He told me that it was good to see me again. I don't think I've ever met him. And...well..." he just looked uncomfortable... "he said he loved me.." Which was pretty much the most disturbing thing to say to a fourteen year old boy... "Boys shouldn't say that to other boys,"

"He not know meaning of love," I stated, trying hard not to laugh.

"Maybe. Asuka was right about one thing. I don't think he's ever been around other people."

It was more than that. That was Rei. She had her feelings, she just didn't know how to express them. Kaworu had none. Nothing but an imitation. Hate smouldered inside me.

Shinji was edging nervously away.

"Why would Asuka be jealous anyway?" he laughed.

He'd have to answer that one on his own. We passed a public phone, before turning right onto 23d streeth, while I glanced up at the evacuation tower my training told me was supposed to be there.

"Hey Shinji," Asuka's green eyed monster called back, "Weren't you going to call your father today about the parent-teacher meetings?"

"I'll do it after the test," he answered.

"You can't keep putting these things on the long finger. Do it now or you never will!"

Obviously... she was just trying to stop me talking to him. Not wanting to be at the hypocentre of a red-haired A-bomb initiating, I kept that opinion to myself.

"Alright," he relented… looking forward to it like a cow looking forward to the slaughter.

"There's a payphone right here," Asuka pointed at the wall beside her, "You can use this,"

Rei stopped to watch, while Shinji held the phone to his ear. He frowned. "There's no dial tone,"

"Try my cell then," she practically forced the phone into his hand.

He took one look at the screen. "No signal," he said, dourly.

"_Scheisse,_" Asuka swore in her own language, frustration starting to boil, "You're doing it wrong, idiot. Give it back." She ripped it out of his hands, stabbing at the keypad. "What did you do to it to break it?"

Being in on the joke, it was hard not to laugh.

"Mine is not working either," said Rei, holding up her phone.

Asuka looked like she wanted to bite her head off for a moment, before her common sense caught up and clamped down on her tongue. She looked around, watching a few birds fly overhead, before turning to her attention to a set of traffic lights.

They were dark.

"Power's out," Shinji stole the words from her mouth.

"Why payphone not work?" I wondered aloud. As far as I knew, landline phones took their power directly from the phone line itself, which was separate from the city's power grid.

"Down's down," Asuka killed the question. "The important thing is; what do we do now?"

Rei already had her emergency manual to hand. She cracked open the security seal. Shinji fumbled for his, while I remembered I'd left mine in my locker at school to make space for 'Nihongo Now' textbooks.

"Pilots are to proceed to headquarters on foot using road access routes. Pilots are to be ready and available for a manual launch." Rei read.

"And we need a leader," the Second Child added on with her usual arrogant flourish. "Naturally, it should be me since I have seniority,"

Naturally…

"Sure," I shrugged. What the hell, it wasn't worth fighting over, was it? Between herself and Rei, I didn't have to share a bedroom with Rei. Shinji looked dubious, but nodded. Rei gave her a glare behind her back that could strip paint.

"We'll go to the main gate," ordered Sohryu, "There's bound to be someone down there who can open the gates for us,"

"Without power the gates will be closed," Ayanami countered, "The manual requires us to take road routes only. "

"Subordinates shouldn't question their leader," Sohryu shot her down, hard.

"A good leader listens to her subordinates." Rei seemed as calm as a winter millpond.

They're not going to start a fight in the street, are they?

"I think Asuka's right," Shinji tried to be diplomatic, "The main gate is closer, and there's bound to be a way to manually open them,"

Not up for crawling through dusty ducts, I decided on the middle ground.

"Should we split? Me Rei down road run. Uh… Asuka, Shinji main gate. Two groups, double chances,"

And if we got there first, which we probably would since I could run like hell and so could Rei, I could be first in line to get my face melted off. To my surprise, she actually thought about it.

"No, we stick together. We won't get lost that way,"

And we wouldn't make her look the fool by arriving before her. Fine, whatever…. The longer we argued over it, the less time we had to deal with the Angel. Let's just get moving so we can kick its arse.

My confidence was starting to melt, replaced by a bristling fear that maybe… just maybe something I did or was about to do would screw this up.

**I…I**

Rei didn't say "I told you so" when we found that the gates wouldn't open. She didn't have to. Her expression said enough when Asuka ran her card through the reader only to be answered with silence.

"The emergency gate is down that corridor," the security guard directed us. "It's hand-cranked. The other boy is waiting for you,"

Crap.

Shaking lightly, I swallowed a building fear, forcing it down to the pit of my stomach… as usual. Not only could I get hurt, I could get hurt with Kaworu watching. He might even be my replacement if the worst happens.

He was standing by the door, nonchalantly leaning with his back against the wall, humming that stupid European anthem. Dim emergency lights illuminated the corridor, silhouetting the Fifth Child.

"I've been waiting for you. The guard gave me directions down,"

"Well, I'm in charge," Asuka stamped her authority on him. "So do what I say Fifth and we'll get along just fine,"

"Of course, Miss Sohryu," he bowed slightly, a malign glint in his eyes. "Lead on, Macduff,"

He misquoted that Scottish Play.

"We have to open the door first," she said, ignoring it. "Shinji, Nagisa… this is a job for men,"

"You only ever need me when there's effort involved," the Third Child grumbled, sourly.

The two boys cranked the door open, while the three girls watched on. Oil-starved hinges stiffened and squeaked. Gear trains that probably hadn't been moved since they were installed ground around. Better them than me.

I watched Shinji cranking hard, his breathing heavy and stressed….almost passionate as he cranked with Kaworu. I watched his muscles work, his arms bulging with the strain as they contracted pulling the handle in towards him, before pushing forward and out. In… out…. In… Out.

I felt myself blush hot. Riding a teenage rush, my body tensed. Feeling a flash of panic rising inside me, I spun around. Just because my body has a thing for Shinji, doesn't mean I do. Just because my body has a thing for Shinji, doesn't mean I do. The mantra for manly sanity. The guard at the gate was watching on, chuckling behind his hand.

Glad to see he was enjoying my shame…the git.

"Door's open Fourth child, let's go," Asuka tugged on my uniform.

"R…right," I stammered to the floor, still fizzing inside with a hormonal buzz. No wonder she asked the two boys to do it, she wanted to ogle them! What…of course she did… she's a teenage girl, he's a teenage boy….. and I'm a teenage girl.

How disgusting!

Sick to my stomach at the idea of being someone's...girlfriend...I trailed behind on purpose, wallowing in my own shame. My body was going all Quisling on me and there was nothing I could do to stop it.

Since when was it 'my body'... and not Noriko's?

Gah!.. this isn't the time for this.

Trying to put it behind me I caught up... psychosexual screwups were not best dealt with in a dimly lit corridor. A decade old layer of concrete dust sucked the moisture out of the air and made it ticklish to breath and itched at the eyes.

"Everybody stay close." ordered Asuka, he voice calm and commanding, "If you get separated you'll get hopelessly lost down here,"

"Should've taken the road," I muttered to myself. Nice, wide... no way of getting lost. Straight run to the parking garages. Straight run from there to the locker rooms.

Instead, we met a door held shut by a thin layer of spilled concrete.

"We should turn back," suggested Shinji.

"The ventilation duct will take us around," Rei pointed to an open vent on the ground, beside an upturned cardboard box that seemed strangely clean when compared to the tools beside it.

That explained the power failure….

"Pickaxe," I pointed behind the box.

"It will take too long,"

"Then we'll take the vent,"

Asuka was almost disgusted with herself for agreeing with Rei.

"We should turn back," Shinji repeated, firmly. The duct was dark, layered with dust, nobody with any common sense would willingly climb in there...

"I'm going first," Asuka killed his suggestion.

I sure as hell didn't want to go in there.

"We go around. Road route near!"

"It's just a little further," Asuka's voice answered back, chased by a hacking cough and a puffball of grey dust.

Oh, it's just not worth it.

Shinji chased Asuka in...reluctantly. Rei followed him. No way in hell would I turn my back on Kaworu, so that meant I went in last. I got to breath in all the dust that had been stirred up by everyone ahead.

It was getting in my hair, scratching at my scalp, mingling with my sweat and slowly turning to concrete.

"This sucks," I spat a gobbet of concrete spit on the steel floor.

With the five of us crawling forward on elbows, it sounded like we were crawling through a badly tuned steel drum concert being held inside an oven. It was hot, cramped, sweaty and pitch bloody black. The only sense that Kaworu had stopped ahead of me was when I crawled into his backside.

"Move it!"

"Sohryu has stopped,"

My ears were still ringing. I could hear her drumming hard on something up ahead, followed by Shinji's soft admonishment, then a string of frustrated Germanic swearing.

We crawled on, passing a distinctly dented grille.

Another stop... some more metal bashing. Some more swearing. Another dented grille that wouldn't bloody open. We couldn't even turn around and crawl backwards,

"Nice plan, First," Sohryu shot back.

It's not Rei's fault... it's our intrepid leader's. A leader is responsible for the conduct of troops under her command, for their successes and their smegups, regardless of whose idea it had been in the first place.

At least Rei had proved herself to be human and fallible.

Third time lucky?

Nope

We kept crawling. We kept coughing and sneezing. Asuka's scream when she put her hand down on what seemed to be long-dead rat was deafening. In the gloom, I couldn't see much more than its teeth highlighted by a small streamer of light.

Fourth grille.

No joy. We remained trapped in darkness. Oppressive, closing darkness. Pure black, penetrated only by a few brief glimmers of light filtering through a dented grate.

How the hell did Solid Snake see where he was going in these, I can't even seen the white tennis shoes of the unperson in front?

Not until one kicked me in the face.

Unseen chips of stone, concrete and rodent bones bit at my arms. Long socks saved my kneecaps for a while, but I longed for a good pair of trousers. I was sure my elbows were bleeding raw. I was sure I'd have to endure a sickening course of harsh antibiotics when this was done…. Can't have the special Children getting sick. Worst of all, I was sure I'd just ruined my favourite socks.

Which actually belonged to Asuka… but there weren't very many of them and long socks were a hell of a lot better than the alternative.

Fifth Grille.

Nothing.

Asuka hacked and banged at it for five minutes, crashing and punching furiously until…. It buckled a little.

Were we ever going to get out? In time for the Angel? I felt the first wiry tendrils of panic wring through my body. Trapped… in this tiny, dark shaft. A black hole crushing in on my shoulders, pressing down on my back. The draft in the duct deepened to the deafening roar of a turbine engine, mingling with Sohryu's hammering into an oppressive cacophony banging on the inside of my skull.

Get me out of here…

My body bristled… sweating…. Panting… half on the verge of panicking. I had to get out of here… I had to get out.. .Someone for the love of God get me the fuck out of here! I tried to stand up stupidly, smacking my head off the steel roof with a clatter, before dropping face first into the dust.

"Jeez, calm down back there, " Asuka called back to me.

"Hurry the fuck up!" I screamed back to her.

Before I go completely batshit.

"I'm trying. But it wasn't my idea to come in here,"

"It was your idea to go this way in the bloody first place," I shot back. And what a brilliant idea it was too. If we'd taken the road route we'd be there by now. Nice way to fuck up Asuka. Thank you very fucking much for bringing me down here… Thank you so much. Seriously…

"You were the one who followed my orders. A soldier should never blindly follow orders," she lectured, "Some of the greatest tragedies in history have been explained away with 'I was only following orders'"

Oh…that was low.

"Can we stop this?" interrupted Shinji… gently, "It's getting us nowhere,"

"Have you tried pulling instead of pushing?" suggested Rei.

"What? Of course I have, I'm not stu…" the unmistakeable tin rattle sound of sheet metal coming loose. "…pid,"… she finished solely for the sake of completeness.

We scrambled out into fresh air. I pushed Nagisa out, bowling him over in the desperate rush to just get the hell out of there.

Fresh Air!... relatively. Stagnant, hot and arid-dry, but still better than chasing an Angel's arse through a ventilation shaft.

"This normally doesn't take this long," Shinji said, dusting himself off. His elbows were raw and bloody, like mine. Anyone who thinks climbing through an air-vent is an easy thing to do is a moron.

"Shut up!" Asuka snapped him down.

She knew she was wrong.

We walked on down corridors I couldn't recognise. It was funny to watch us walk. Asuka let Rei lead, because that allowed her to get between Rei and Shinji. He was in the middle ahead of me, with Nagisa not quite behind me. It became a sort of strange ballet, all of us orbiting slowly around Shinji.

Asuka was muttering about the Commander's favourite First in Shinji's ear. Rei was trying her best to ignore her. I was keeping between Nagisa and Shinji and not really paying attention to it.

We waltzed along the darkened corridors, lit only by a few battery powered emergency lights, some of which were already starting to flicker.

The Angel above was on its way. Closer and closer… It might be the easiest Angel, but it can still really fuck me up if I give it a chance. All I could think about was that bloody fanfic… It was stupid and it was silly, but for the life of me I just couldn't get over it. It lingered there as an example of what might just be possible if it all went sour… a little petrol on the bonfire of my nightmares.

What did Nagisa say about the world cycling around? Wasn't that one of the fan theories about Rebuild…. That it took place after the ending of the original series? Might this be Rebuild, with me as the brand new character promised?

I lingered on that thought for a while for the sole sake of keeping my thoughts going anywhere else.

Each fanfic a cycle? The one where Shinji overcame his anxieties and recognised his true love for Rei. The one where Shinji overcame his anxieties and recognised his true love for Asuka. One where Rei Ikari was born instead of Shinji. One where a man from our universe woke up in the Rei tank and… was that ever finished?

I'd never know how it ended now.

I really must be clutching at straws if I'm recalling fanfics I've read to prove my identity. But what better proof? Along with the series itself, they were one of the few things I could guarantee hadn't come from this world. How could I have read a story about a past that was different…but the same… or a future that hadn't happened yet?

A possible future.

One that was changing already because I was here.

After another few minutes, we came to a fork in the path. Asuka halted us with a raised hand

"We go left," Rei carried on.

"Hey wait!" Sohryu yelled after her. The blue-haired girl stopped, "I'm the leader here and I say we go right,"

"I believe the guard said to turn left," Kaworu chipped in his own two cents. "And the passage continues to descend. The right passage heads up to the surface,"

"I don't know," Shinji was as indecisive as usual. Side with Asuka, or side with Rei? Who wouldn't take it as a personal insult to disagree with her?

"Left," I said… not having any great desire to meet Matariel face to face.

Asuka looked to us, weighing up her options. Three against One. She stopped and composed herself perfectly.

"Well, a good leader listens to the concerns her subordinates." She said, absolutely straight faced. "We will go left,"

To bad she didn't listen earlier when it would've made a difference and saved us from a long and dirty crawl. I might still have had skin on my elbows, and I wouldn't be subjected to a long an arduous course of antibiotics and antivirals on the off chance I might've caught something from the rats.

We kept going, plunging down into the gloom. That weird little dance around Shinji continued. I might've been the only person aware of what was actually going on, and how silly it looked, but I wasn't going to stop and let Nagisa get close to Shinji.

This really is stupid…

So why did I still keep it up?

After another ten minutes or so… we came to a door, illuminated by an orange low-light.

Asuka stopped in front of it, turning to face us. "Here we are!" she announced as if it was all a result of her glorious efforts. She brought her foot over in one giant arc, and kicked it hard open.

A loudspeaker-amplified voice blasted through the open door carried by a cold rush of air, pushing her back almost to the point of her falling over.

…"ANGEL. AN ANGEL IS ATTACKING!" I heard, followed by a bright flash of headlights and the roar of a diesel engine being strangled to within an inch of its life. A white painted blur crashed through the open door, drawing a yelp of terror from Asuka who landed hard on her butt. A squeal of tyres being torn against tarmac echoed off the concrete walls while Asuka sat… stunned.

"My foot," she whispered.

"What happened?" Shinji was by her side in seconds.

Eye's wide like saucers. "It… touched… my foot,"

The black sheen of her shoe was marred by a streak of white paint, running along the toe. Outside, there was a shout of voices, and the clunk of a car's doors.

Rei stepped outside, while Nagisa watched.

"Need a hand?" I crouched down, offering an arm to Asuka.

"No," she pushed me off, pulling herself to her feet with the help of the wall instead. Her skin had blanched the same pale shade as Rei's.

"There is a van out here," Rei stated, "Damaged. Lieutenant Hyuga is aboard,"

I put all the pieces together. Another few inches, and she'dve lost her leg to that van. "… Holy shit that was close,"

We save the world. We pilot giant robots against extraterrestrial monsters. We're the five most important children in the world and Asuka nearly got killed by a speeding van... Funny when you think about it. We were just as vulnerable to cruel chance as anyone else, despite us being well… important.

"Well!" Asuka composed herself as best she could… despite being obviously shaken by the near miss, "Now that we know that an Angel is attacking, we have to hurry and launch our Evangelions. Since there is a van outside, I think we should take it."

A satisfying cold breeze rumbled through the road tunnel… fresh, cooling air mingled with the smell of exhaust, spilled diesel oil and burning rubber. At the end of two black skid marks on the tarmac was a white Toyota van, with a buckled door smashed through its bonnet, steam from a broken radiator rising and boiling around it.

Its starter motor chattered, the engine coughed, sputtered, then died for the last time.

"Hey!" Hyuga waved to us, the dark haired technician still in his shorts and t-shirt. "There's an Angel coming, it's in the city already. I…" he coughed.. "have visual confirmation. Get to the command centre. Warn them it's coming!"

He was out of breath

"Noriko, you're the best runner, you go ahead," ordered Asuka, "First, go with her. We'll be behind you."

"Right," I nodded. That made sense.

And I liked running. My muscles pumping with my heart. The breeze tugging at my body, running its fingers through my hair. I'dve preferred a pair of shorts to a skirt, but it was still fun. I was such a good runner even Asuka admitted I was the best at this. Or she just didn't like getting all sweaty….

Praise from Asuka was high praise, I figured… and something I was compelled to justify.

A voice from behind. "I cannot keep up,"

Rei was flushed red and panting while I still felt reasonably fresh. I had to check myself a little to let her keep up.

It took us five minutes hard running to get to the Command Centre, and me another few moments to get over the sheer size of it. It was big enough inside to safely hold pay-per view Evangelion wrestling matches. The main viewscreen… darkened but still glowing a dim green due to some residual effect, was over 5 stories high on its own, with secondary screens running along each wall, each taller than a double-decker bus, and longer than an average commuter train.

The main tower itself was one solid lump of concrete rising like a battleships conning tower ten stories up from the pit containing now powerless holographic projectors for the main screen. Myself and Rei were on the lowest deck of the tower, surrounded by technicians working furiously at dimmed consoles to try keep the MAGI system above cool.

Above us, I could hear Akagi barking out orders, demanding checks on the coolant pumps and main breaker CT's. Above each station was a single flickering candle, giving the whole place an air of some strange Lovecraftian ritual.

Rei looked dead on her feet after the run. While I was breathing hard, I still had a little in reserve, but was too busy marvelling at the Command centre to actually say anything. Rei still spoke first.

"An Angel has been spotted near the city," she said between deep, gasping breaths, "Lieutenant Hyuga has confirmed it."

"Is this true?" a voice rang out from above as sombre and cold as a tomb. The Commander… out of sight… had spoken.

"Yes," I confirmed, finally waking up to the fact that I wasn't there to admire the scenery. "Other's behind. We ran ahead to warn,"

"Good work, Rei," he responded… ignoring me. Hey!

Rei smiled, propping herself up against the concrete wall. It felt like an exclusive privilege to see her subtle smile… just the slightest upturn of her lips, no more than needed. Nobody else seemed to notice, but it gave me a warm and fuzzy feeling inside for a few moments before she turned it off.

"Prepare the Evangelion for immediate launch." Ordered the commander, his voice still holding the same flat, sepulchral tone.

"Can we launch like this?" another hidden voice questioned… warmer.

"Of course Professor," I heard, "We have the emergency diesels."

I watched a figure start to clamber down a ladder several stories above me…. High enough to make him seem a lot smaller than he actually was. It was the closest I'd come to the Commander since joining NERV. The figure disappeared behind a parapet, and I didn't see him again.

I sat and watched the crew work while a young brunette I might've found cute a few weeks ago fetched some water for the pair of us. It was hot, noisy, and the air was beginning to stagnate and grow heavy. Sweat clung to our bodies, soaking our clothes.

Everyone was shouting at everyone else, the little headset radios had failed when the power had, leaving everyone with only their own voices to carry across several stories. With everyone else trying to do the same thing, it got a little loud.

I only started shaking when someone passed on the order to us to actually get ready to go. This was… it. Not training or a simulation, but the real deal. I beat the simulations… but the amount of times I'd also lost in them was hard to forget. My mouth was bone dry and my insides were fighting themselves to get out…

Was I scared? Too fucking right I was. But I couldn't exactly turn around and say to everyone that while all the training had been fun, I really didn't want to actually put myself in harms way thank you very much. If I wanted to Pilot EVA, I had to fight Angels.

And…cheesy as it might be… there were literally thousands of millions of people behind me. The entire world dies if I screw it up. The entire world was hoping I won. They'd all done their little bits, from building the EVA itself, to the rifles we used, right down to the little plastic neural clips on my head. The food we ate, all the military experts they called in to do our training…. All those people who built our stuff and shipped it and got the four of us to the point where we could even contemplate taking on the Angel face to face. Motoko who wished me luck. They'd done the best they could for me. What else could I do but my best for them?

Dear God… I just paraphrased that American General from last week. That was the most insidious thing about rousing speeches… sometimes they worked.

And left me feeling a little dirty inside as I scrambled into my plugsuit.

The emergency lights in the locker room had failed, but a high-powered torch pointed at the ceiling did a decent enough job. Stark shadows made Rei in her white plugsuit look positively demonic, her hair bleached almost white by the light, her eyes glinting red.

Asuka grunted as she pulled the normally powered door open on its runners, stepping through before kicking it shut again.

"Stupid power won't come back. How do they expect us to save the world if they can't even keep the lights on? They can't even launch us to the surface, we'll have to use our auxilliary battery packs and climb there,"

One side of her face was lit by the torch, the other seemed to be in pitch darkness. The Red Devil indeed. I didn't dare ask what had taken her so long to get here.

"It be easy mission," I said… focusing on the TV show version to reassure myself.

"Of course. This Angel doesn't even have a ranged attack… or it would've used it by now to blast into the Geofront,"

So… just neutralise the AT-Field, fill it full of lead and go home. Asuka was already naked, fumbling a little with her plugsuit in the darkness.

"Lucky us,"

Luck would've been to have it wait until we got the power back… but that would've been too easy.

"Y'know what that idiot asked me on the way here?"… no, but I was going to find out anyway, "He asked me why we had to fight the Angels. " she huffed, "They're attacking _us_,"

How did that conversation go again on TV?

"I think… he mean, why are Angels attacking?"

"What does that matter?" she shrugged, "What matters is that they are, and we have to stop them. It's only natural for us to clear sparks from our hair."

Actually… why are they still attacking? The easiest way to break the cycle would be to just not attack humanity and not set the whole ball rolling.

"This one will be an easy Angel," I repeated to myself, trying to build my own confidence.

"Someone's feeling confident,"

No Asuka… I wasn't. Rei stood behind me, her usual calm self, no different from any of the other times . Asuka was stoking herself up, wearing a grin like she wanted to tear the Angel apart with her bear hands. How did she do that?

She's not afraid, because she doesn't think about how she can die. That's what she told me after the last Angel.

Again, how did she do that when all I could focus on where the myriad ways EVA fans had come up with for this battle to go wrong?

Asuka and Rei had courage. Shinji too... little mister meek could jump into a volcano without a second thought. What did I have but an overactive imagination to show me every which way we could come to a gruesome end?

"It's an easy Angel," I repeated for the third time.

There was a knock on the door. A man's voice entered the room.

"The EVAs are ready. Report to the cages."

I looked up at Asuka. Her gaze was cold and firm, her features set hard and fast. She closed her eyes, took one long breath in through her nose and held it for a few moments, before slowly releasing it through her lips.

"Let's go… Asuka," she whispered to herself.

Rei was already pulling the door open. The door didn't seem to be liking it very much, grinding and squealing on its runners.

I wanted to be able to say something hot-blooded and courageous-sounding… if only to look as strong and confident as the other two… but realised that I'd never be able to pull it off right. The end result would probably backfire in my face and make it plainly obvious to the world how scared I was.

"Good luck," I said.

Asuka gave me a thumbs-up.

Deep breaths. Time to go.

**I…I**

I will not stare at Shinji in his plugsuit. I will not stare at Shinji in his plugsuit. I will not stare at Shinji in his plugsuit. I will not stare at his firm backside and broadening shoulders. And I most certainly will not steal glances at his…

Oh for God's sake.

I used to have one of my own once, it's not that special….just a little bulge between the legs.

I am not staring at Shinji, he just happens to be in my line of sight. I'm not attracted to him in any way… I'm just nervous about actually fighting in an Evangelion. I'm not about to cry because I can feel my manhood slipping away with each lustful breath… it's just the dust from the ductwork in my eyes…

At least I wasn't the only one. I caught Asuka watching his butt.

I'm being stupid again, I realised.

Shinji peeled off first, through a door jammed open with a mop. Unit 01's paint fluoresced in the dark, a green glow in the darkness. Asuka next, 02's four eyes glinting with reflected torchlight.

Then, my turn.

The black-armoured EVA 03 was a hulking shadow in the darkness. The entry plug was waiting, open and standing proud of the neck. I could hear my crew chief barking orders above the roar of a diesel generator. The engine coughed, lights flickering as it misfired.

Kaworu appeared beside me like a spectre in the dark, his deep purple and black plugsuit highlighting just how thin and wiry he was. The Angel-boy's grey hair seemed almost glowing as he smiled.

"I've been ordered to accompany you," he said, "It should be...interesting,"

"Why? Why the fuck would anybody do that?"

I tried to hide my anger, but my voice rang out through the cage. Him... inside the entry plug with me... alone.

"I have no EVA of my own. As Unit 04 will be similar to 03, Akagi felt it would be a valuable experience for me to accompany you,"

I couldn't help but scowl bitterly, even though I tried my damnedest to be polite.

"Thought noise. Two minds, different languages. EVA Shutdown,"

Episode Eight, as I recalled.

"My A-10 clips have been retuned to prevent interference," he reassured me, his voice as smooth and slick as an oiled pane of glass.

Is this being done on purpose to annoy me or something? There's no logical reason for him to be coming along, is there? It's got to be Akagi...she's trying to screw me up somehow.

And I'm getting paranoid. Like everything, it was no use fighting.

"Alright. Do not get in way,"

"I will stay behind you then,"

Was that an attempt at a joke? His expression gave nothing away.

I clambered across the shoulder…as I usually did, hoping the Angel behind me would slip and fall. Thirty stories worth of gravity would do a nice number on him. I stepped over some dragging cables, roughly spliced into the insertion motors for the entry plug. Taut chains held the hatch open. The Pilot's seat beckoned.

I climbed aboard, nestling myself into place as usual. Nagisa climbed in behind me, standing on one of the runners that supported the actual cockpit itself, within the plug. On it was stencilled 'No Step'.

I signalled to the crew chief on the gantry that we were both aboard and ready. He answered with a thumbs up, and gave the signal to drop the hatch. It slammed shut, ringing the metal walls, closing us in darkness.

"Have the interior lights failed?"

I switched them on,

"No. Just manual,"

A bit like having the courtesy light in your car only came on when you push a button under the dashboard.

Another question from Kawaoru; "Who is Kilroy?"

"Huh?"

"Someone named Kilroy drew a caricature of himself on the disk drive, along with graffiti saying he was here."

It was hard to be angry at such obvious innocence… it made me chuckle. He may have known the truth of life the universe and everything… he still didn't know the basics of human culture.

I switched power to the plugs own batteries, and decided not to warn the passenger before insertion. I heard him behind me pawing at the smooth metals walls, scrambling to brace himself as the plug rotated and locked forward. He fell under the cockpit with a clatter.

He was climbing back up when I opened the LCL valves. Feed-line de-icers booted their own disk operating system. Circulation pumps spun up, whining as I set them to full power… to handle two people in the plug instead of one. Check LCL Ph…in case there had been some caustic left in the feed lines when they were last cleaned. Hand on the LCL-dump handle just incase…. Inhaling super-strength Drano would not be a nice way to die. Ph neutral, all clear. Deep breath, feel the warm fluid fill my lungs… Kaworu didn't start coughing and wretching.

"First time in EVA?"

"Yes," he answered me."I am familiar with breathing LCL,"

"Right…" I switched back to my own language, remembering my own question. "So tell me then, if you want to break the cycle, why are the Angels still attacking?"

"I am not the others," he answered, without skipping a beat, "But we must fight humanity, it is not our choice….and some of them have come to hate you. A hatred that some of you deserve,"

Was that an attack on me? Damn him!

"I hate you for a reason," I grunted,

"Why?" A simple question, in a very simple tone of voice. "What did I do to deserve your hatred?"

I nearly thumped him one in the face. How the hell could he _not _understand? I gritted my teeth and bit back… starting a full blown fist fight in an entry plug would be bad, no matter how much I wanted to throttle him… no matter how many tears I could feel trickling down my cheek.

I am not going to cry over this. I am not going to scream, no matter how much I want to. I am going to calmly and rationally tell him.

"Nagisa..." I started, hearing the shaking in my voice. I tried to fix him with a Sohryu-style glare, but those awful red eyes of his still chilled even as he was still fucking smiling at me. "I want you to understand what you did to me."

A pause… just enough for me to take a hold of myself.

"You took me from my life." I said, coolly. "You _destroyed_ everything I had. You didn't just rape my mind, you violated my very _self._ You destroyed my identity. You destroyed everything that made me who I am... or who I was. My friendships, my accomplishments, my plans for the future…. All gone."

And it was so hard not to cry again. Grimly, I locked eyes with him.

" I will never forgive you for that."

A few moments while he thought about it.

"The dead have nothing. The living can have everything. "

"I was not going to fucking die!" I screamed at him, my voice ringing off the metal walls.

Just for one satisfying instant, he seemed startled by that.

"You die in the accident," he said, solemly, "You always die. This time I kept you alive,"

"What acc…" I stopped dead. He wasn't talking about _me _me…. He was talking about Noriko. He was talking to me as if he saw me as Noriko, as if I had only ever been Noriko. He didn't even care what he'd done to me…

That son of a bitch!

With rush of hate an anger I punched the plug wall, cracking my knuckles and sending a nice shock of pain rippling up my right arm. I swore, and glanced back at him… still watching impassively… serenely…still not getting that what he did to _me_ was wrong. Sure he gave Noriko life, but he took mine away to do it.

"Hey Fourth Child, are you having a problem in there?" Asuka's voice rang over the speakers. "Why haven't you started up yet?"

A nice reminder that the time for moping and screaming for my lost identity was _after_ we killed the Angel.

"Program error," I transmitted back, lying.

"Well hurry up!"

Right… focus on the job. I can wangst pointlessly over this later. Manual startup of an Evangelion. I switched to voice control, the hardest part of which was knocking back my natural accent to something an American programmer would expect.

"Entry plug LCL full,"

A little red light on the consol in front of me told me so told me so. I flicked two switches beside it.

"Begin activation sequence,"… the computer indicated it understood with a green light. "Confirm,"

"Open primary nerve connection,"… I could feel the familiar tingle inside my brain, the sensation of something other than my own body,.. "Confirm."

"Starting data recorders,"… two more switches, two more green lights, "Confirmed,"

"Starting biomonitor,"… one more switch. An orange light flickered; it wasn't able to connect to the external computer. No problem. "Confirmed."

One last check. Nothing seemed out of order.

"Synchronisation sequence start…" a dramatic pause while the main displays booted up. "Now!"

The thirty story void within the Evangelion swallowed me whole. I checked myself first… no headaches, no pressures, no funny noises or itches… just the ghost sensations coming back to me through the nerve-links. I closed my eyes for a moment, getting a few flashes of light and shape from the EVA's own eyes projected across my own eyelids.

Next… check my instruments.

Auxiliary batteries at ninety-five percent. Hydraulic locks released. Power consumption set to 'Conserve' mode. Guidance to internal. Navigation to internal. Data-links disabled. The LCL pumps seemed to be drawing a few more amps than they should've been… but it was still tolerable… they just had to work a little harder to handle two people in the plug.

Another flash of anger, matched by a sympathetic shudder in the machinery beneath me.

Focus on the job… not on the bastard behind me. Oxygen usage was also nearly doubled by him being there. I had enough for about nine hours now, rather than over sixteen without him.

Finally to the world outside.

My crew chief was standing on the umbilical bridge in front of me, holding two red flags down by his side. He raised them up high, held for a moment, then lowered them again. I nodded the EVA's head gently, showing that I'd gotten the signal. He dropped both red flags and raised a single green one, calling something out over his walkie-talkie.

"Unit 03 active," I radioed Asuka,

The face of an angry redhead appeared beside me.

Sohryu; "About time,"

A few bellowed ordered from the Chief, and moments later I felt the lock bolts on my shoulders come loose, followed by the primary restraints. Moments later, the chief raised two green flags, motioning with them for me to start pushing on the restraints.

Moving a couple of thousand tonnes of steel and concrete was easy, moving it without bending it was tricky. Moving it without knocking the Chief off the catwalk was delicate in the extreme.

He had the sense to sit down before I started pushing.

The hardest was overcoming the static frictions in the system. One jolt would do it. Too much of a jolt, and the Chief went for a tumble. Gripping the throttles, I nudged them ever….so…slightly. The steel structure shuddered, lurching forward about a foot…

Catching himself, he started to guide me forward, beckoning me gently on.

Ikari; "Unit 01 Free,"

Shinji was followed by the Pilot of Unit 00.

Ayanami; "Unit 00 Free."

Sohryu; "Unit 02 Free."

Looks like I'm last. The chief raised both red flags, a signal to stop. The gantry stopped, he didn't… Again, he had to save himself from a long fall. Why didn't they install safety railings? Pushing back was easier… just step off the launching platform, and push the locks back.

"Unit 03 free," I joined the others, gently urging the big machine forward. If anyone got underfoot it was their own fault… I had no hope of seeing them.

Ayanami; "The Angel is on the surface above shaft 221-Kilo. We can take recovery track 180."

Ikari; "We'll have to crawl," he pointed out the flaw.

Sohryu; "It'll look stupid."

"It's still the fastest way," I said.

Ikari; "I don't think the Angels care how we look," the pilot of Unit-01 deadpanned.

Unit 03 was slightly taller than the other EVA's…. I was reminded of that when I took chunks out of the tunnel roof. Unit 01 in front of me was trailing sparks from its knees... the purple-armoured biomech squeezed into a tunnel designed to take one EVA on its back on an oversized railway car.

Unit 00 was behind, the only one of us with a rifle. I checked I still had my pistol. Ahead of Shinji, Unit 02 leading us forward.

Kaworu moved forward beside me, displacing a wave of LCL.

"He wants to die quickly," he said, whispering in my ear, "He will not change,"

"Die?"

_Wants_ to die?

"He must die. He must fight. We all must."

Boo…hoo…hoo. I'm not going to feel sorry for it. The EVA shuddered, responding to my darkening mood. I focused on her, still watching patiently over me. I could _feel_ Kaworu through the nerve links… barely. He disturbed the flow of nerve pulses like a rock in the centre of a stream…. An inert object that did nothing but get in the way and cause turbulence.

I sense a disturbance in the force….

I smirked at that thought.

We came to the main shaft, Asuka flipping her Unit 02 out, punching her hands and feet through the concrete to support herself. Shinji followed, kicking up debris, then my turn. I glanced down into the gloom… radar rangefinders telling my it was a fall of nearly a kilometre.

Above, the other two EVA's silhouetted against the sunlight of an open shaft. Behind, Unit 00 patiently waiting.

No sign of the Angel. Good. We might just make it to the surface before it started to drip acid. That'd make things very quick. Grabbing a gantry crane on the tunnels roof for support, I swung my legs forward, putting them through Shinji's footholds.

I climbed up the shaft using the clip-locks on the EVA's forearms, rather than gripping concrete. It seemed to give me a better purchase and kept my hands free if I had to carry a pistol. With the benefit of a few moments hindsight, it might've been a better idea to draw the pistol before climbing out into the shaft.

I started mumbling an old song I remembered while climbing, to help keep a rhythm.

"_Shiawase wa, aruite konaii," __  
_I sang quietly to myself, slamming my left forearm into the wall.

"_dakara aruite yuku 'n da ne," __  
_I pulled the EVA up._  
__"Ichinichi, ippo. Mikka de sanpo."_  
Right forearm slam!

" _Sanpo susunde, niho sagaru,"__  
_ And pull up._  
__"Jinsei wa, _one-two-punch!_..._"  
Left again, _hard_ this time_._ A slab of concrete the size of a car came off, dropping on Unit 00.

"A good song," purred the Angel behind me, "About facing adversity. Three steps forward, two steps back…but still moving forward,"

I huffed. A ruined song now. I didn't even remember where I heard it… just that I knew the words even though it was in Japanese. Another bit of Noriko bleed-through?...

I crushed the thought. That's not something to worry about in the middle of a mission.

Something glittered as it fell past me. Probably just come concrete. Focus on the rhythm. Slam and pull. Slam and pull. Check batteries… already below forty percent and still plummeting. Navigation… nearly two thirds up the shaft.

Looks like we're going to make it too the surface.

I should've known better than to tempt Murphy with that thought.

Soryhu; "I see the Angel. It's right above us!"

Aw shit… Quickly, I glanced around, looking for a way out of the shaft.

"We have to get out," I broadcast. "Sitting duck,"

Ikari; "There's a passage a hundred meters above,"

Again, something slashed through the air beside me. More debris?

Sorhyu; "Keep going," she ordered, "We're almost there. If we stop we'll be pinned,"

I tried to glance past the two EVA's above, but all I could see was Unit 01's armoured arse. Beyond that, a silhouette of Unit 02, and a splash of sunlight that was overwhelming 03's lowlight filters.

Ayanami; "Unit 03, watch out."

Rei warmed me as urgently as he voice would allow.

I wondered what she was talking about for a half-second, before warnings started to sound. I felt a flash of panic, expecting some awful burning sensation any moment. Nothing. I scanned my instruments, looking for the problem. Another half second or so, and I found it.

The thrusters in the left shoulder pylon had failed. Fuel tank pressure sensor failure. Other sensors began to malfunction in short order, failures spreading like fire through the pylon. A horrible knot in my gut told me this wasn't an accident.

Obviously.

I glanced at my shoulder, to see concrete where I should've seen steel. The top half of the pylon had gone completely, cut off by a bubbling orange liquid that was starting to nibble away at the emergency battery.

Worse… I could see what had once been the barrel of my pistol hanging loose, the rest of it having dissolved away to vapour. The battery fell a few moments later, damaged locks finally giving way. Alarms warned of the drop in power while I tried to steady the EVA, cursing under my breath.

A quick thought inspired me to jettison the remains of the pylon, before the acid started eating away at anything painful. Explosive bolts blasted it free, sending it tumbling into the darkness below, trailing gas. Three seconds or so had passed since Rei's warning.

I had enough time to think about warning Rei to watch out, before Asuka screamed. I glanced up just in time to see a falling Unit 02 smash into Unit 01… Shinji tried to hold her, but the walls of the tunnel couldn't take the sudden shock load. The concrete exploded beneath his hands and feet, a combined fifteen thousand tonnes or more of metal and flesh dropping towards me.

Kaworu grimaced, grabbing on tight.

"Aw crap,"

I held on tight, but it was useless. The hit was hard… harder than I expected. Kaworu fell, cracking his skull against the cockpit. Something smacked me hard in the face, blurring my vision and jarring my brain. I reached up to grab…something… desperately trying to keep myself from falling.

I felt sick as I grabbed thin air.

"Stop us you idiot!" Asuka was screaming.

"Too heavy!" the boy grunted through gritted teeth

I crashed back first into Rei.

"Watchout!" I yelped, after the hit.

For a heart-stopping few moments, I thought the whole lot of us where doing to drop all the way to the end of the shaft. A kilometre and a half's fall in an Evangelion wouldn't be lethal, but it'd certainly wreck us.

And leave us in a wonderful position for the Angel to dribble all over us.

Sparks showered past, something tearing gouges out of the walls. It took a few heartbeats for me to see four distinct furrows being made. Fingers! Rei was trying to hold on. Feeling the gradual deceleration, I reached out to try and help, grasping at the walls.

Rubble spalled off.

With a bone crunching lurch, all 4 EVA's stopped. The four of us hung on mid air, supported only by Rei.

Ayanami; "I cannot hold for long," she advised us.

Feeling like I'd just been through a quick boxing match, I struggled to get a grip on the wall. Shinji rolling around on top of me didn't help… he was busy try to untangle himself from Asuka.

"That was…unpleasant" Nagisa muttered behind me.

Briefly concerned until I remembered who I was concerned about, I turned around to check on him…. His cheek had been split open, bleeding nicely as he pulled himself back up. He pressed two fingers against his bloodied cheek, and seemed almost shocked at the fact that it hurt.

Wide eyed, he stared at the red liquid on his fingers.

"Ouch." He stated, sounding almost curious.

His first time experiencing this thing called 'pain'… I hope he enjoyed it.

Sorhyu; "We've got to get out of here, there's a tunnel just above. Hurry!"

Four giant machines clambered up into the tunnel, each of us dropping our dead batteries. We sat and watched a rain of acid pour down outside, sealing us in. I checked my internal batteries… about three minutes left. Set system to idle to save power. Adjust gyro's to deal with the imbalance of losing a pylon, sit back against the wall and…

Ikari; "Well, now what?" he took the words right out of my mouth.

Sorhyu; "We'll destroy it, of course!" Asuka replied smugly.

Ayanami; "I dropped the rifle," the girl stated.

"My pistol's gone too," I reported. Bugger… that could've been handy.

So…. Just wait for Asuka to come up with her idea, and for everything to work out. Matariel seemed happy to stay where he was and keep doing what he'd done on TV.

Sorhyu; "Alright, here's the plan," she started. "Offence will take the rifle and shoot the Angel. Defence will shield offence from the acid, and neutralise the AT-field. Support will be beneath offence to catch offence if they fall. Backup will drop down and retrieve the rifle, pass it to support, who'll pass it to offence.

Ayanami; "I will take defence,"

Sorhyu; "Not a chance," the second child snapped her down. "That's my position,"

Shinji looked worried.

Ikari; "But isn't that dangerous Asuka?"

Sorhyu; "That's the point, _dummkopf_!" she said, "I owe you one for the last battle, so you get the easy job of being support,"

I felt a sudden, nervous thrill. Kaworu watched on, patiently smiling. He knew the outcome as well as I did.

Sorhyu; "That leaves wondergirl to take backup, and the Fourth to take offence, clear?"

I get to kill it! My heart clenched… what if I screw up?

Ikari; "Got it!" Even though he didn't look too pleased about it.

"Roger," I responded.

Rei merely nodded her assent.

Unit 02 was first out into the shaft, vaulting out to face the Angel head on. My turn next. My heart was pounding as I placed Unit 03 into position beneath. Mumbling Shephard's prayer, I took time to make sure to get a good hooking grip on the walls with my locks.

Rei was next, jumping into the darkness, followed finally by Shinji, he took position beneath me, bracing himself hard.

"Impressive," said Kaworu.

I could see the Angel now… barely… a black shadow at the top of the shaft, about five hundred meters above. It vomited orange liquid which splashed and hissed across Unit 02's chest.

Hurry up Rei. I glanced at Shinji, who winced as Asuka began to scream. Kaworu was smiling. Was that bastard enjoying Asuka's pain? Something spattered on my arm… I had just enough time to wonder what it was, before it started to tingle.

Then chafe.

Then burn like someone was holding a blowtorch to my biceps. I gasped in pain, barely having the presences of mind not to clench my arm back. I could see the acid bubbling and munching its way through plastic and flesh… I could feel it burning.

Clenching my hand into a fist…I tried to grit my teeth and bare it. Concentrate on the mission, concentrate on sync… it's not my arm. If I can pass the agonizer, I can pass this. Just _focus…_

Asuka above must've been in a furnace, liquid fire cascading off her armour. A few more spots splashed across me like cigarette burns.

A minute forty-two left in the battery... more than enough. Unit 03 seemed to be holding... I could feel her, helping me, taking her fair share of the pain. I could feel…her warmth. She was right there.

Ayanami; "I have the rifle"

She threw it, and Shinji caught it in one hand.

Ikari; "Nagato! Catch," he called up to me.

I reached down, heart thumping inside my chest. Don't fuck up… don't fuck up. He tossed the rifle up. I held my breath, reaching out. I closed my hand and…

For a moment, only air.

No!

I felt my hand close around the pistol grip… tightly. Hanging only from my left cliplock, I hooshed the rifle up into a position to shoot. No time to use the targeters, I had to do it manually.

"Asuka!" I warned.

Unit 02 turned in mid air, pressing itself against the wall to give me a clear shot. For one brief moment, I could see the Angel… its bowl shaped carapace, its impossibly spindly legs… its staring saffron-tinted eyes weeping corrosive tears

I stared right into one of them, eye to eye thanks to a miracle of camera technology, and lined the barrel of the rifle up with it. Like shooting the pistol in the range on Monday… line up the front sight with a point on the target.

Finger on the trigger.

A heartbeat.

I squeezed down on the button. The rifle kicked and bucked as it fired in a way it wasn't designed to. I held the trigger down until the gun emptied itself… two seconds of sustained fire.

The Angel spasmed… rocked on its legs then collapsed down onto itself. It was dead.

"So it goes, Matariel," Nagisa whispered beside me.

I whooped like an Indian Chief. Unit 02 finally fell… still holding on one-handed, there was no way I could've caught it. The hit was jarring, but I was too giddy to care. The pair of us crashed down into Shinji, who caught us both effortlessly.

"I killed it!" I giggled to myself. "I killed an Angel,"

I really killed an Angel.

Motoko was going to go ape when I told her tomorrow morning.

**I...I**

No electricity mean no water pressure, meant no working showers in the locker rooms. We earned a collective 'good work' from Misato for our troubles…and a little danger pay, but nothing more. I wasn't showered with praise or adulations for finishing it off… I hadn't done anything special, I'd done exactly what I was expected to do….exactly what I'd been trained to do.

That didn't stop me from feeling good about it.

Keen to get rid of us before we really started to stink, Misato had us driven up by some poor unfortunate to an old viewing spot that had been popular back when Tokyo-3 had once been a golf course.

The evening grass was cool… the evening breeze even cooler. Sure we smelled like an old slaughterhouse… but it was a good smell. A victorious smell. A smell that got us free cokes from a nearby shopkeeper, just so it wouldn't linger in her store.

Who knows what she made of us, and what we were wearing.

Above, the entire milky-way was laid out, a river of stars running across the sky. The moon was full, but low in the sky, casting long shadows. It was a beautiful night.

I took the time to trace through the stars, looking for a familiar constellation. I found The Plough, laying low on the horizon. Remembering an old cub-scout trick, I traced a path along the handle, out to the brightest star just beyond.

Polaris. The North Star.

The former North Star. It was noticeably out of position, thanks to Second Impact kicking the planet off-axis. A few crickets chirruped, while down in the city I could see the black remains of the Angel, swallowing the moonlight rather than reflecting like the concrete around.

I killed it.

The thought still made me feel giddy, even though it had been nearly six hours.

"The stars are beautiful," Shinji broke the quiet." So brightly packed, like a crowd of people all together in the sky with a candle."

"They seem close," Kaworu spoke, "Yet the distance between them is vast and empty. "

"People or stars?" I ruined a really nice metaphor by asking the obvious question.

"They are connected by space." Rei stated, after a quick moments thought. "Not separated by it"

Wait… I didn't know she watched _Planetes_.

Asuka leaned back onto the grass, crossing her legs. "My, it seems like we've a pair of philosophers,"

"I wonder if that's what makes humans special," said Shinji. "Maybe that's why the Angels are attacking us,"

"Probably," I shrugged.

"What are you stupid?" Sorhyu snorted, "Who cares what they think?"

"Mind different from human. Alien thought. Alien…motivation," I found the right word after a moment,

Below us, the lights in the city flickered, before flooding the sky with a yellow haze.

"There, much better," Asuka said, "Now it feels like people actually live there," she rolled over to face the boy beside her. "Hey Shinji!"

"Yeah?"

"Did you ever ask your father about that thing…?"

Shinji nodded.

"And?"

"He said he didn't have enough time, he had so much work," the boy answered, smiling a little to himself. He might've been told 'No', but he was still glad he asked. At least he got a reason.

I yawned and lay back in the grass. This was nice. Basking in the warm glow of victory and friendship.

Nobody had been hurt, and the only damage had been cosmetic.

A good end.

**I…I**

The school had Friday off. I spent the entire day sick to my stomach thanks to whatever antibiotics Akagi filled me with. Saturday was an occasional half-day, to make up for time lost to the Angels.

I tried to contain myself as long as possible... I really did. I was fizzing as I crossed the schoolyard. Bubbling as I entered the girl's locker room. Asuka was giving me weird looks, while Shinji happily scarpered off to his friends.

Some of the girls were talking about the power-cut,and the Angel. That only made it harder to keep quiet. Motoko was standing by her locker, fetching her indoor shoes.

I couldn't hold it in.

"I killed it!" I erupted with a squeal.

Everyone stared at me.

"There's no 'I' in team," Asuka called over to me, caustically, "All you did was finish it off. I did all the hard work,"

True.

But I still killed an Angel. I was entitled to some smug self-congratulation.

"Congratulations!" beamed Motoko.

"DakkaDakkaDakka, Dead!" I mimed firing a rifle at an overhead light.

"Ooh," she boggled. "All I did was pass my English test,"

"Nice one!" I offered a thumbs-up. The English language was harder to master than piloting a giant robot, I knew that from experience. I still had problems getting apostrophes right.

She hugged me. For a brief moment, I was surprised. Tentatively…a little unsure if I was supposed to, I returned the gesture. Her body was warm and soft against mine… Not in a sexual way… it was always nice to be held by someone. She sprang back a moment later, a broad grin plastered on her face.

"We are so win!" she cheered.

A few of the older girls scorned... but who cared? We both had good reasons to be cheerful, and we weren't going to waste the opportunity to enjoy the feeling.

I could hear Asuka complaining about how annoying the Fourth got when she had such a 'swelled head', how annoying Shinji was when he didn't make lunch in the morning because he didn't do his homework last night and...

Motoko noticed my expression turn sour, "What?"

"I forgot my homework," I said, my voice shrinking. "Too busy with Angel,"

"I'm sure they'll understand," she shrugged, "You saved the world, they can't expect you to be up to date with homework,"

I... saved the world. It seemed such a ridiculous thought, I had to laugh.

"Yeah, I know...silly isn't it?" she giggled.

Yup... but it didn't half inflate the ego. My good mood continued up to the classroom. Nobody else really cared that much… it'd been a few months and summer break since Sachiel first appeared. The Angels and the Pilots had become just another part of life.

I settled down at my desk, waited for Hikari to run through her daily rise-bow-sit drill, and logged into the school's intranet.

A message popped up from Kyonichi.

::_Nice work! Might have to change a few things because they seem a little unbelievable however. And your grammar is a mess._

I messaged back ::_Like what?_

:: Well, the part about the Pilot's mother's soul being inside the EVA , for one thing. The guardian stuff was good :) . Some parts reminded of Blue Aru a bit.

So, the stuff I made up about Misato psychologically manipulating us was believable, but the truth about the Evangelion wasn't. Real life had one advantage over fiction…. It didn't have to be believable. I wanted to go on a long winded rant about how I was the pilot of a giant robot fighting extraterrestrial monsters, how I'd come from an entirely different universe to do the job, and how that part was actually true. But I lacked the language skills to do all of that before lunchtime.

::_Point is, We have to talk about changes, so we can be consistent when talking with Sakura. Can you meet me at TG today after school? Room 204, old building._

::_No problem._

Asuka would probably scoff and snort at the nerds and otaku within…if I ever told her. But up until a few weeks ago, I had been one of them. I knew I was safer in there than anywhere.

"Now," the teacher finished his lecture, "I trust you all had plenty of time to do your assignments in the shelters."…damn… He scanned the Pilot's expressions.

" Nagato, Ikari, and Sohryu, your NERV duties are no excuse for sloppy or late work especially if Ayanami can still manage to hand satisfactory work up with the same schedule. Hand it in Monday and I'll decide on a penalty then."

Nuts. I barely passed the last one I got in on time, and I knew even less about the Tokugawa plan and its social consequences than I did about the Valentine peace accords. I decided not to bother with it… since it was a sure thing I'd fail it anyway, I figured that time I'd otherwise have wasted failing, could be put to better use in a subject I might have a chance with. Which, if I recalled right was the exact approach the Tokugawa plan took with all the coastal cities and their residents.

I could hear giggles around the classroom, some loved it when the Pilots were brought down a notch.

The teacher was surprised when Shinji handed something up… He scorned Asuka for having nothing at all, but was a little more conciliatory with Nagisa because he hadn't actually been in the class when the assignment was given.

I got a nice remark about how I was already falling behind after only a few weeks and how I'd have a hell of a time catching up with my language difficulties _and_ how I had to think of my future and my college education. What college would accept a student with a bad evaluation from their middle school, he threatened.

If Third Impact happened tomorrow, he'd still insist my puddle hand up his assignments. The teacher's mentality was a universal constant.

I did well enough in mathematics to pass the year in anyways. I liked going a bit beyond what was expected Calculate the speed over a distance for a given time? They just wanted us to divide by the time… I made a point to integrate with respect to _t_. Which led to the same result assuming initial conditions were zero.

It was a bit silly, but it was also a self-affirming thing to do. Since the rest of the class hadn't done calculus yet, the only place I could've learned would've been in my own schooling.

I'd taken two maths tests, and scored a full twenty in each of them.

The maths teacher loved me…especially since she doubled as our science teacher. We were supposed to have a teacher for every subject, but about half the school's teachers and students had left after the Angels started attacking leaving the remaining ones to cover what was left, so more than a few were shared.

Class ended for the day at what would normally be lunchtime. I met Motoko for a few minutes, and nearly managed to forget that I had to go to the old building to meet Kyonichi.

'Haruhi' was around…. But I managed to avoid her. It seemed ridiculous….how screwed up would someone have to be in order to think they were someone else…to assume an identity to hide from reality?

An identity based on a popular animé.

Her friends were doing a _Goodbye Lenin _act around her to save her from the truth. It all seemed a bit like the traditional goofball highschool animé plot. But, real life wasn't worried about clichés, or common sense.

It didn't take long for me to find the room, on the second floor in a part of the building that turned into a furnace in the afternoon heat. I could recognise a few of the voices coming from inside… Shinji, Touji and Kensuke were in there, among others.

I stopped outside the door for a moment, a paper sign reading "The Amalgamated Animé, Manga, Video and Traditional Gaming club' taped to it.

I remembered my last time going to my college game society, then knocked on the door.

"Come in!"

Kensuke's voice. I waited a moment, taking a few moments to overcome a strange nervousness before sliding the door open.

"I am here for Kyonichi," I stated, oddly shy.

The room was small, with a window half-blocked by a flatscreen television opposite the door, and shelves lining both walls. The shelves were loaded with a mix of DvD's, animé, boardgames and sourcebooks, some of which I recognised. Kensuke, Touji, Shinji, Kyonichi and someone I didn't recognise sat around a table in the centre…. With a Noriko Takaya figure in the centre.

"Noriko," Shinji blurted, not quite believing I was here.

The unknown boy giggled. He was tall, a little lanky with jet black hair combed over to one side. Touji muttered darkly in Shinji's ear, while Kensuke struggled with his surprise for a few seconds.

"I got the stuff printed off in my bag," said Kyon, "We can go through it when the guys are playing…but…" he looked to the doll, and suddenly looked very uncomfortable. "…well, when I said you were coming…"

"We were wondering if you could sign this Noriko Takaya figure for us," Kensuke finished for him, in a hurry.

Shinji sighed and rolled his eyes.

I stepped back a little, for a moment feeling a little ambushed.

"Why?"

I'd never been asked for my autograph before.

"Well, you're the real thing. Noriko the mecha pilot," Aida explained.

I assumed I was supposed to be angry…but didn't really feel it. Truth be told I was a little bit flattered.

"Dude," groaned Touji, "Have some self respect sometime,"

Shinji smiled a little. I knew what Asuka's answer would've been…some colourful German, followed by a stinging red handprint on each face. I considered doing the same, but just didn't feel up to it. For one thing, I'd always been a Gunbuster fan

I smiled a little nervously, "Sure, I liked Gunbuster,"

The dark haired one spoke up, "Can you say 'Buster Beam'?"

I scowled at him. Shinji buried his face in his hands "I will sign," I stated, firmly, remembering Asuka's advice about dealing with them.

Kensuke handed the doll, and a marker to me.

"I volunteer for EVA," I told them, "Because I want be like her. I want be giant robot pilot,"

"You're one of us who's a real living the dream," Kensuke said, stumbling over himself a little "I mean… I 'd say yes in a heartbeat too, even though I know it's hard work and…even your voice sounds a little like Nono…with guts and…"

He was speaking so fast I had a hell of a time keeping up.

"I come here to get away from EVA," Shinji cut him off, hard. It actually surprised me. The Third Child threw me a dark look, obviously not appreciating my intrusion.

"Sorry, Shinji," apologised Kensuke.

"Maybe I should go," I offered,

"It's okay," said Kyonichi, "We're just not used to having someone who's so open to talking about the Evangelion. You can understand that we're pretty fascinated by it," I nodded. "And…well… it's obvious from reading the conspiracy you wrote that you like animé."

I blushed a little… embarrassed. "It kept me in touch with Japan, when I live abroad,"

Another lie, but a good one. Not daring to use my name incase it appeared on eBay, I wrote on the figure's stand;

"_From the real Nonoriri.  
Third Children. Pilot of Evangelion Unit 03. With Guts and Effort,"_

I held the Noriko Takaya doll I'd just signed, staring at it. Its joyful brown eyes stared lifelessly back at me. I ran a finger along its body, tracing its figure down from its chest, over its hips and down its legs to the stand. The vinyl plastic was perfectly smooth under my finger... utterly unlike real skin. But still...

I…

I had one of these once. The exact same Bomé figure with the out of proportion left leg.

I…

I have a body just like this.

I looked up at Kyon, then Kensuke, then down to Shinji sitting at the table watching me. Something inside me just switched. Back to the doll… my signature still drying on the stand. I have a body, just like hers. I am... the same.

Again, back to the assembled boys, watching me like something was about to burst out of me.

I…

...am a girl.

Just like that. Feeling my heart race in my chest like an engine on neutral. I felt faint, a little overheated. I turned to face the wall, propping myself up with one hand.

I am a girl.

Still nothing wrong with that thought. No howls of protest from my formerly masculine mind. That was literally it. Fear flared through my body, my stomach tensing up. I... I'm …. I feel like … My thoughts just ground to a halt. I looked up at them, swallowing...

I was aware of myself... I was aware of my body. I was aware I was different to them. I was aware

how. I was aware of how attractive I was… I'd known I was a good looker, but now I actually _felt_ it.

"Noriko, you feel okay?" someone enquired.

I feel like I'm a girl.

"Overheated," I responded, lying.

This shouldn't be okay, I wanted to whine. It shouldn't be this easy. I knew it could happen… but I only figured it out five days ago. I should be screaming. I should be fighting…. It should not be this fucking easy to go from the man in the girl's body, to just plain old girl.

"But you're crying,"

"I am not!" I barked back, stunning everyone.

In the silence that followed, I felt a tear run down my cheek. Just one. I checked my body once more, hoping for the right answer this time. I'm a girl, was the answer I got back.

I had _accepted_ my life as a member of club female. Whether I felt like a girl, or young woman, or whatever, I'd come to terms with the fact that I'd have to live as a man in a woman's body for the rest of my life. I'd known that someday, I might finally just wake up one day and be a woman… full stop.

But not like this… and not this soon.

I wanted to feel uneasy walking into a girl's bathroom again. I wanted to feel awkward watching Asuka undress. I wanted the concept of tampons to make me scream to the heavens. I wanted to be ashamed at the idea of even thinking about masturbating in the shower. All those little fears and shames that had dissolved over the last few weeks, I wanted them all back… every single one of them, just so I could be me again.

Nope.

Gone forever.

A moment of silence for my dead manhood please. I had my memories… I had some of my personality. I had the unique despair of knowing that they were going to be absorbed into the greater whole of Noriko and that I couldn't stop it. I could feel myself loosing my mind…and worse, feel another one muscling in on the empty space.

No… I wasn't losing my mind. Kensuke stood up beside me, concern on his face.

"You can have my seat, if you'd like," he offered.

He's only offering it to you because you're a girl, part of me warned. I thought about fighting back…about saying no. I wanted to. But Kensuke was just being kind… and I didn't want to be rude.

"Thanks," I return a soft smile, taking the seat. I had to force the smile.

He blushed… a light pink across his cheeks.

"Ah… I'll get you some water aswell,"

"Thanks," I said again.

His blush deepened.

"I'll… just… gogetit," the last few words of the sentence ran into each other like a drunk driver into the back of a truck as he ran off out on a hormonal rush.

The five other boys in the room just stared at the door he bombed through for a moment, before returning their attention to me… then to the door… then to the Noriko doll I'd signed.

What did I just do?

"Kensuke you cheeky git," Kyonichi commented under his breath, Shinji was trying his damnedest not to laugh. "That was like, straight out of Trembling Hearts three," continued Kyon. "When Kimiko feels faint in the clubroom…"

What… wait what?

"I never played Kimiko's story," Touji declared. "Tina's the better ending. But I know what you're talking about man,"

"Saya's the easiest," the dark haired one spoke up.

"What's the point in playing a game on easy, Mamoru?"

"You get to the good pictures faster," he grinned lecherously.

"But she's fuck-ugly and her personality is horrible," Touji argued back.

Kyon palmfaced.

"That doesn't matter. They all look the same from behind anyway," snarked Mamoru.

Nice tact. The four remaining males gaped, then stared at me, expecting me to go off on some feminine rage about perversion and dating sims and how Mamoru was a total friendless arsehole. Followed by female on male violence. A minute or so of expectant silence followed… they were waiting.

I was too busy trying not to have my second psychological break of the week to care.

Kensuke came back, placing the plastic cup in front of me.

"Thanks," I smiled again, earning another blush for my troubles.

"No problem," he said, meekly.

"So Ken, Saya's ending on Trembling Hearts three?" Mamoru started to dig for allies.

"Why? It doesn't even count as a game completion," said Kensuke, diplomatically "It's a bad end where she cheats on you, unless you take the time to actually help her."

"Why bother, the fun part's over?"

I hoped he was just joking... people weren't really that damn thick. I had to say _something_.

"I play dating game too," I stated, trying to sound as cold and malevolent as possible, trying to channel Asuka. "Like fishing. Fish like Mamoru easy catch, but too small to keep." … fish being an obvious parallel to something else… "Big fish hard but worth effort,"

It was hard not to laugh at him… there was an odd pleasure to be had from watching him fizz with anger.

"I don't give a crap!" he roared, red faced, "You say I'm small, I'll show ya how big I am!"

"Mamoru," Kyon interrupted him, deadpan "Don't antagonise the girl who pilots the giant robot."

"Asuka would've killed him," Shinji giggled.

Wow… Shinji… laughing. I don't know how, but it helped my mood. I'd never seen him laugh like that. He was so unguarded and comfortable.

There was something I could do… It's idiots like him that give men a bad name. No Asuka, all men are not this stupid and weird….especially nerds and otaku. They're not creeps or weirdo's… I should know, I used to be one. The hardest part about talking to any girl was knowing that she'd probably already dismissed you as nothing more than an obsessive weirdo, based on the actions of a couple of braindead cabbages like this.

My last manly act, I supposed, would be to call him on it. I looked to the figure. Give me strength, Noriko.

"Mamoru. You know Asuka?"

"Yeah,"

"She tell me, fanboy, gamers… otaku... are all like you. I know not true," I took a few moments to compose in my head, "Kensuke sell girl photographs, right? But… " I recalled our meeting on the roof, "You have good reason for pilot EVA. You want to protect, and for Shinji not to worry. You want be his friend."… he blushed again… "Touji sell pictures too, but Hikari tell me you have sister, and you care lot for her…spend a lot of time."

"Yeah….well," he shuffled his feet, a little ashamed."Family's family,"

"Kyonichi. You care about Sakura so much, to go to the effort of…. Um…. Tolerating Haruhi, to keep her safe,"…. It took him a moment to catch up to that. I thought carefully what to say next. "And Shinji, you really are brave,"

The 'brave' Pilot of Unit 01 just looked like he wanted to hide under the table. He was also honest, dedicated, hard working, humble, courteous and… I killed the thought before it went any further.

"I see their Good. Mamoru," I steeled myself, "What good do you do?" He slid back from me for a moment, wide eyed… terrified of being placed on the spotlight. "I know type. So afraid of being seen as not man, you act like you think a man is. A…. um…" what was the word, _"Stereotype,"_ I used the English one. "Destroy real person inside with it. What is good about you?"

Silence reigned, while I tried to glare right through him.

"He's our friend," Touji answered for him, calmly

"Huh?" I blinked.

Mamoru almost seemed as surprised as I was.

"Sure he's an ass, dontcha think we know that?" Touji continued, "But he's still our friend,"

Kensuke slid his glasses up his nose, "I don't expect a girl to understand it. Betrayal may come easy to women, but us men live by cast iron codes of honour,"

I ran my hand through my hair… I guess I walked into that one. Shinji just quietly watched me, not quite sure what exactly to say.

"_Fair enough,"_ I conceded, with a resigned smile.

"But you're still a jackass Mamoru," Kyonichi added.

Mamoru himself just quietly sunk down into his chair, not sure if he'd won that or not. That was the proof of it. My last 'manly act' had only served to confirm that I wasn't one anymore.

"Thanks guys," he finally said, his voice barely a whisper.

I kept it out of my mind while I ran through the Haruhi sheet with Kyonichi. Most of the changes were just linguistical… sometimes I'd pulled the wrong Kanji from the dictionary. Sure they sounded the same, but they had two wildly different meanings. Great for making puns, a pain for writing.

I took a few moments to admire some of the collection…a lot of post impact seemed comfortingly familiar. _Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann_ was there, hidden among _Gundam ZZ_ and something called the _Blue Aru_ Platinum Directors Cut Final Edition. A few of the games and sourcebooks I recognised, some of them were even pretty old.

It really seemed as if pop-culture had just been put on hold for about seven years by the Impact, then started moving on where it had left off.

Kensuke was explaining the rules of some wargame to Shinji, while Touji just looked bored with it all, only hanging around because two of his friends were here. Mamoru deliberately and obviously kept his distance from me, burying his face in a Doujin.

With that done, Kyonichi thanked me… I considered hanging around waiting for Shinji and walking home with him, but I'd intruded enough on his private life for the day so I left and walked home by myself.

Half an hour later, I stood naked in front of the bathroom mirror. One last try.

"I am a man," I stated, calmly.

No, you're not, my body answered. I couldn't even picture myself as anything but the fourteen year old girl. It felt wrong to even try…. Completely and totally wrong.

"I am a girl," I stated… again calmly.

Yes, I am, confirmed my body.

That was it. Gone for good. I thought I should've collapsed into the floor, bawling in a heap for my lost manhood, but… fuck that…. It wouldn't change anything. I'd gone past the point of no return. I mourned for a few minutes in the shower…another bit of 'me' gone forever…. before taking time consider what to do next while drying my hair.

"I am…a girl," I re-stated.

The result was still the same, not that I'd genuinely expected it not to be. My probationary period was up… I'd become a full-patched member of the fairer sex. I really felt I should've been a crazy ball of despair on the floor… but, I really didn't feel that bad. It was a fate I'd resigned myself to, even if it had come a little faster than I'd expected.

Maybe if I hadn't gotten that nice little ego boost from killing the Angel…calling up that memory still filled me with a surge of pride… it might've been the final tipping point, but it wasn't. Psychologically, I was still hanging in there.

But my self identity hadn't been overwhelmed.

I still preferred to dress in jeans and a t-shirt, or wear shorts if it was too hot out. I still liked the exact same things I'd liked when I'd gotten out of bed in the morning. The concept of pink frills still gave me chills. I still baulked at the idea of wearing makeup, taking Shinji as a boyfriend, becoming the traditional Japanese housewife or doing any other so called 'girly' thing.

I recalled what I'd said to Mamoru, about doing stereotypical manly things because he was so afraid of being seen as a girl….to the point where he'd managed to do an overrun screw on his own natural personality.

Had I been doing the same thing?

No, I concluded after some thought.

Just because my brain now considered itself female, didn't mean I had to act like a female stereotype. After all, with a few unintentional exceptions, I'd hardly acted much like a male stereotype when I was trying to hang on to my masculinity, had I? I just tried to be myself, and do the things I liked, or felt most comfortable with doing.

Regardless of what my body insisted it was… I was still myself. I just had to act like that.

So what did that mean exactly?

Who am I?

I am a former university student turned Mecha Pilot. I like Animé, I like Manga… I used to love it for the vicarious thrill it was, the chance to glimpse an 'interesting' life without ever having any of the risks actually involved. I had a thing for Asimov's short stories…especially _The Immortal Bard_ which was something I believed every English teacher should be forced to read. I dabbled in RPG's, considered the Amiga 500 to be the greatest gift to computation since binary mathematics, was socially awkward and had the tendency to put myself down, rather than talk myself up. I could be snarky and childishly vindictive at times. I was a regular staffer at a local animé convention. I built Gundam kits, and played Warhammer… hell, I was actually a half decent miniature painter. I still enjoyed a cold beer…even more now that I couldn't have any anymore.

This was me, months ago…these traits were part of me long before I'd ever considered the whole 'turned into a girl in another universe to Pilot the big giant robot' as anything more than a fanfic scenario. I still did these thing… one look through the web browser cache on my own computer proved it.

Add to that a newfound enjoyment of athletics, long stockings when I absolutely had to wear a skirt and religious wearing of a steel bracelet around my wrist… these were among other little quirks I'd gained from Noriko.

Misato was right.

I wouldn't lose myself. All those things I'd enjoyed… I still would. I would gain more from Noriko….that still scared me a great deal…but it would still become part of this thing that is 'myself'.

Myself was always changing, evolving as I met new people or encountered new concepts. Two months ago, myself would never have even considered facing an Angel in combat with the fate of the world on my shoulders. Now, I'd beaten one

And so.

Well before Episode 26.

I accepted this 'myself' as this changing person, always evolving as a sum of experiences and ideas. I am myself, and it was okay to be myself.

There were no trophies, no congratulations on top of a big blue ball with poor bus service… there didn't have to be. I truly felt good about it. A heady feeling of freedom.

To celebrate, I treated myself to boiled pasta shells in curry sauce for dinner. Nice and healthy, nice and spicy.

**I…I**

And that's the end of that chapter. Jesus that's a big one. Thanks to Cattynebulart, and the inhabitants of Spacebattles, TFF and Evageeks, for comments and such.

First of all, Noriko's nightmare is a reference to part 7 of "And if that Don't work" by Sunshine Temple. I won't give away too many details about it because it's a pretty big spoiler. There're also a few slightly obvious references to "I was a Teenaged Dummy Plug" around in the story… which in some ways ended up inspiring this thing.

The end of this part surprised me a bit…. I'd originally planned for it to have a much more despairing resigned feel to it, but based on some C&C, I gave Noriko a little bit of happiness and progress rather dropping the weekly mountain of angst on her to whine through. It's a little bit of a mood whiplash. Does it work?

It also means I've to re-plan part 12. In a similar vein, Asuka does a lot this chapter… especially her 'leadership', her father appearing and accidentally spurring Shinji into talking with his father. How does this come across?

I'm trying to do the changes building upon changes thing…..

Also. Because it's been highlighted by a few people... you're supposed to notice most of the pop-culture references. It's not just me being twee. They're there to be noticed, and are pretty plot relevant. Just think, how would 'a pop culture wiki' exist in a way Noriko could remember and recognise well enough to even consider trying her old login? It should be inconceivable with such a different universe, shouldn't it?

Next time, Noriko reads her diary,  
Misato gets promoted to Major,  
Shinji gets to do character development courtesy of alcohol and Noriko's recollection of a fanfic she once wrote,  
The Tenth Angel decides it's not going to do what some damned TV series says it should,  
Noriko faces and Angel she might really lose to.  
And there may be prime starfish if I can't think of a better way to shoot down an orbiting Angel in the meantime.  
And there'll be lots of fanservice...

-Dartz


	12. Virtuous Cycle

New Perspective Evangelion

_Part 12: Virtuous Cycle_

I don't own NGE, somebody else does  
Stuff might be mentioned that's copyright  
I don't own it either  
It's just a bit of fun anyway.

Pre-read by Robert M. Schroeck and with comments from Sunshine Temple and the denizens of Spacebattles, TFF and Fukufics.

I...I

Getting up in the morning on Sunday was great.

I felt…normal.

I found it hard to think of any other way to describe it. I went through my usual routine as if I'd been doing it my entire life. The reflection in the mirror had stopped being alien, but now I felt I was actually looking at myself.

The dark-haired girl smiled back at me. A pang of regret hit deep. Not long ago this had been my nightmare. I knew I'd changed. I changed yesterday.

"I am myself," I said to her. "And myself is always changing."

Humans are not static creatures. Our likes and dislikes change as we move forward through life. The elements that define us change from minute to minute. Maybe I could argue that the self is the whole continuity of these changes, rather than just a snapshot in time at one moment.

All that continuity still remains a part of me. Everything I am still flows from it. I've changed so much, especially in body, but the lineage of self still holds. Noriko's memories and ideas add more to the self, more changes.

But I'm losing nothing. I'm just gaining more changes. I may have journeyed across time, space and the vast ocean between genders, but the self remains the same across all.

Does that make sense?

The girl in the mirror just gave a puzzled shrug. Philosophy wasn't my strong point. Something about all that made sense, but not in a way I could write a long essay about.

Yesterday was the day I finally crossed the female event horizon. The wiring upstairs now matched the plumbing downstairs. I'd expected it to be a moment of ultimate despair, a resignation or surrender, a moment to be spent sobbing in a pillow or rocking myself back and forward in a ball of bawling angst.

That was the Evangelion way, after all.

Instead I took the psychological equivalent of a step forward. It was an acceptance, an affirmation of being. I stopped, thought about it and concluded that it was okay for me to be a girl. I wasn't going to lose myself to my body, that the self was dynamic and changing.

Or something.

Something good.

I watched the girl in the mirror dress herself for her morning run. I was her. I would be her for the rest of her life. Hiroki Nagato was my Father. Megumi Nagato was my mother. Biologically.

And so were my original parents. On that thought, I snapped the bracelet into its proper place on my wrist.

On a whim, thinking back to the Noriko figure, I found a strip of cloth and used it to tie my hair back, Takaya style. Dressed in my normal sportswear, I struck a pose in front of the mirror, crossing my arms under my chest with my bare feet planted far apart.

The image of a strong, athletic young woman smirked back at me. I'd known I was a good looker, but now I felt it. Like Asuka and Rei, I had a body most girls my age would kill for. Dietary pressures after Second Impact meant the majority of people were fit in a way that few were before, but we took it to another level.

We were the Pilots, we were the main characters, and fatty tissues tended to expand as they absorbed LCL. I allowed myself a few narcissistic moments, admiring my figure in the mirror. Every little synapse assured me that this was my body; this was the person I was supposed to be.

Asuka slept in on Sundays, so I had plenty of time for a little self-service fanservice; the wholesome, confidence boosting and self-affirming kind.

I heard Misato come home from her night's work, keeping quiet so as not to wake anyone. I heard Pen-Pen waddle out to meet his master. I could hear her coo and cuddle the bird like a favourite toddler. Figuring she'd need the bathroom soon enough… I finished up and stepped outside.

"Morning."

She looked at me through bleary eyes, pushing a few ragged strands of hair off of her face.

"'night," she slurred, her brain already nestled into her bed.

One thing.

"Misato."

"Huh," she turned back to me.

"Last week. You were right," I smiled.

She looked at me, trying to figure out what I was talking about. "Oh yeah," it clicked. "Told you so."

I had a starchy breakfast with orange juice, before setting off for my morning run. Tokyo-3 early in the morning was almost pleasantly cool. The concrete jungle that normally blistered with heat was still absorbing the morning sun's rays.

Cartridges broader than I was tall were being loaded into one of the tower blocks by a pair of mobile cranes. Another whole building was being carefully lowered into its socket in the ground, work crews carefully guiding it into place. Mechanisms engaged, and the stiff, erect tower slid down into its snug socket.

I ran on, heading downtown towards the lake Ashi.

This was my life now, for the rest of my life. And I actually felt good about it. Until I recalled that, if some people had their way, it wasn't going to be a very long life.

I grimaced, trying to push Third Impact out of my mind. Besides, all I had to do to stop it was beat the harpies that started it. Not hard. Crush the entry plug, crush the core. Game over. Asuka nearly had them beat on her own, didn't she?

I put it out of my mind. I felt too good to let that get me down.

It was funny though, how quickly this had actually happened. Less than two months; it was a hell of a lot faster than I'd expected. Anything sensible that I'd looked up had told me it shouldn't have been this easy. To suddenly find yourself in another body, different from the one every spark of your being told you was yours... it should've been a hell of a lot more fucked up.

Truth be told, I wasn't sure whether it was a good thing or not that it was so quick. At least I'd been spared the unique hell of spending the rest of my life as a male in a female body. That, I could be grateful for.

I guess I was just disappointed that I didn't put up more of a fight. Biology was an irresistible force.

And what next?

Over the next few weeks or months, Noriko's memory would start to return and mingle with my own. That much was inevitable. I'd remember my friends and hers. I'd remember her parents... her father and mother.

I'd finally realise that they are dead... that I really was an orphan, not just in the way I liked to joke about. When I realised that I really had no-one in this world to turn to, that both my parents were dead and that I'd never see or talk to any of them ever again I'd...

I shot that down quickly.

Couple that with the traditional growing pains of the teenage girl. God help me, I was already wondering if I had feelings about Shinji, and what exactly they were. Going through puberty again was going to suck.

Mattariel's remains blocked my usual route... the whole lot was hidden under a prefabricated building while it was torn apart. Another shot of pride sent me running on down to the lake again.

I wasn't just a teenaged girl. I was an Eva Pilot. I was the very best that humanity had to offer, standing between mankind and oblivion. One of the few upon whom the fate of so many depend... to paraphrase.

And I was allowed to be proud of myself for that. I was allowed to enjoy that. I was allowed to be proud of my running ability, and my maths. I was allowed to at least try and be more self confident. I was allowed to like myself.

And I did.

I didn't like myself because I'd been turned into a girl... don't get me wrong. I didn't like my new gender better than my old one, or immediately feel the female life was superior to the male. None of the things I liked about myself were exclusive to the female species. Being an EVA pilot wasn't, that was a function of parenthood. Being an athlete wasn't, that was just training and little dedication on Noriko's part that I'd taken up. Physics and mathematics was something I'd learned, that was just study and time.

And yes, there were things I liked about being a young woman, the exact same as there were things I did like... and missed quite a bit... about being my old self.

My life didn't automatically get better because I jumped universes, or genders. That's a fallacy of most fiction; a wish fulfilment based on the belief that, if I only had another person's life, if I was only someone else, I'd do better. Giant robots aside, there's nothing I do now that I couldn't have done before I got here.

At the core, I am the same person, after all. And there's nothing I did before that I can't do now. Aside from reaching the top shelf, or taking a hit from a speeding car and walking off.

Still, it was okay to be Noriko, it was okay to be this person and be proud of my accomplishments. It was okay to be happy where I am.

I smiled. I'm on a psychological roll, amn't I?

I made it to the lake shore, pausing to rest for a few minutes. A soft mist clung to the water, steadily burning off as the pirate boat was beginning its first tourist run of the day. The black crater blown into one side of Mt Futago sparkled as the sunlight played off a million little glass shards formed as rock melted by Ramiel's blast flash-cooled.

Futagite was a popular souvenir sold in the old city. Mildy radioactive thanks to NIGA and with a unique marbled pattern thanks to the various minerals in the soil... it was actually quite beautiful. Most fluoresced green in the dark thanks to all the depleted uranium dropped into the soil.

The lake was mostly sterile and scavengers had long since picked off the remains which had washed up. Cicadas made their presence known solely by the irritating sound they made, while a few rabbits hopped lazily around a clutch of shrubs, sniffing sightlessly as they went about their daily business. One of them nudged at a tarnished shell casing lying beside its burrow, wondering if something inside was edible. Most rabbits in Tokyo-3 were blind thanks to UN tank crews mucking about with laser rangefinders. It didn't seem to bother them much.

I turned back to the apartment. The fortress city of Tokyo-3 was waking up too, a few little human touches unfurling like morning flowers in the cracks between the brutal concrete towers. A line of washing shared space with an Evangelion power point.

At street level, colourful shopfronts started to open up for business. A yellow Vespa was parked up outside a bakery. There was this weird little frog thing on the footpath outside an apartment building that looked like an idol of Keroru Gunso. Another building beside it had had its top cut clean off.

A few more people appeared. Most joggers had no idea who I was. The odd NERV employee who recognised me waved. I smiled back, appreciating the gesture. A balding old chef swept his restaurant entrance beneath a dirty pelican mounted on a scaffold.

The poor sods that had Sunday jobs set off to work, some cycling, some walking, some driving jealously maintained pre-impact cars while others had to make do with the traditional post-impact tin box. Public transport was popular for a reason.

An electronics shop was busy showing the morning news on a wall of cheap televisions. It was a story about the oceans or something... a whale was involved. Parked on top of an EVA lift was a cluster of chanting protesters, surrounded by military police while a helicopter thumped overhead.

The city was so much nicer when it was lived in, rather than being a concrete wasteland with a few artificially placed trees. The little touches of humanity made it feel far more welcoming. It was a place where people lived, rather than a setting for a mecha animé.

It was the only home I had.

I kept running, finally starting to feel a little tired. Section Two followed from within a blacked out Toyota.

I caught my reflection in some glass. My perspective on myself had changed so much, but the world and the people around it still seemed the exact same. How was that going to change? Changes in myself would naturally bring about changes in how I felt about the world, and how I interacted with it.

It was on one level, fascinating. On another, terrifying.

It was already happening. When I saw Hikari running errands with her sister, I saw 'just another girl'. The same as me. I waved to her from across the road, and she waved back.

There were other things too. Five kilometres had gone from a long walk, to an easy run. I defaulted to taking the stairs where possible. My definition of 'tall' had changed a bit. Misato was now 'tall', Misato was also about a hundred and sixty centimetres. I used to be nearly thirty centimetres taller than her.

The pilots where all under one-fifty including me, and I was the eldest and tallest. That was the legacy of being born after Second Impact. Which made it all the more remarkable that I could run like a cat on fire.

And remarkably, I saw myself as being the child born after Second Impact. I was the hope of millions that there would be a new generation, that they weren't the coda of humanity facing a long slow twilight and descent into nothing.

That's who I was.

That was me.

I made it back to the apartment block fresh enough to run all the way up ten floors, then finish with a quick set of pushups and situps followed by a few light cooldown exercises. I bounced at the apartment door, triggering a slight Gainax jiggle before sliding my card-key through the slot.

I remembered sitting in Misato's car, fresh out of the hospital, and just how alien and wrong that bounce had felt. Now it was just annoying… perfectly natural, but still annoying.

The door opened with a whirr, and I stepped inside. The radio was playing cheery pop-music in the kitchen, while I undid the laces on my boots.

"I'm home," I called out.

"Welcome home," Shinji's voice came back. Of course, who else listens to that station?

He was reading a manga while he ate his breakfast at the table… still in his sleeping shorts and t-shirt. What was that he was reading?

He snapped it shut and blushed red. "Morning Noriko."

Something embarrassing. It was hard not to start giggling.

"Morning Shinji," I responded with a cheerful smile.

He very carefully hid the manga under one of his hands in a manner he'd hoped would be utterly unnoticeable, but only ended up drawing attention to it. I remembered being in the same position more than once myself, so I just ignored it.

I watched his eyes, run down from my face, along my body before stopping at my backside for half a second. The boy gulped, and looked down at his bowl of miso…

A giddy thrill shot through me… he'd been checking me out. Followed by a rush of nervous nausea… and I'd found it exciting.

"Soup in pot?"

"Unh," he nodded.

He was there behind me. Shinji the boy. Noriko the girl. I glanced back at him… he was quietly hiding the book, keeping an eye on me to make sure I wasn't keeping an eye on him. He fumbled and dropped it on the floor with a yelp of fright.

I chuckled lightly to myself.

He frowned.

I could feel that same tension building in my body, that same tightness across my heart being chased up by the same fear that always followed. I'm a girl, it's okay for me to be attracted to Shinji, I tried to tell myself… but I just couldn't believe it.

The idea of finding Shinji attractive….

Of kissing him on his moist lips…

Of taking his clothes off and pressing his body against mine, both of us hot and ready.

It thrilled me. It scared the ever loving crap out of me. It disgusted me to the point that it turned my stomach in sickening loops. In a weird way, it was even reassuring… there were still some final taboos.

Or were they just the natural anxieties of a teenaged girl?

I sat opposite Shinji, still coated with sweat, sipping away at the Miso. Shinji looked up at me, then looked down at his breakfast, then up at me…. Then down. Then up. Like playing paddleball in his mind. He opened his mouth. Closed it. Looked down again. Looked up once more. Opened his mouth.

Whatever he was trying to say, it was just dying in his throat.

I figured it out. "Oh… sorry. I need shower."

"No, no!" he waved his hands, "It's just…." He looked at his shadow in the soup, shamefaced. …."You seem different."

"Huh?" I blinked.

"Since yesterday, you seem more relaxed."

I winced. If Mister too-dense-to-realise-how-bad-Asuka-was-crushing-on-him could figure that out?

"Not in a bad way," he reassured me. "It's just…you seemed so uncomfortable yesterday when you left the school."

He was worried about me. It was warming, in a strange way.

"My memory," I half-lied, "Come back. Was a bit shock... but I feel good now."

"Oh." A pause. "I don't know how you three can be so strong," he said. "Asuka, Rei and you... you take it all in your stride,"

A week ago, more or less, I'd been sitting in a heap on the bathroom floor bawling my eyes out for my lost self identity while Misato comforted me.

I shook my head softly, "I do not."

"But on Thursday... you seemed so confident, so calm."

No, I wasn't. I glanced down into my soup, feeling a little ashamed.

"How you feel?"

He blushed again, nervously looking away from me for a moment.

"Scared," he said, before locking his grey eyes with mine. "That I might make a mistake and get someone killed. That, because of me, everyone might die." His shoulders dropped beneath the weight of it.

I wanted to tell him how it was perfectly natural for him to feel afraid, how I felt the exact same way, how I was stunned to find that I'd actually come across as in any-way courageous when I was just following my training and trying my damnedest not to fuck up, and that from my perspective he probably seemed just as courageous and assured in the cockpit to me as I did to him.

But, frustratingly, I hadn't a hope of being able to say that.

All I could say was a quiet, "Me too,"

"Really?" he blurted out. "But I thought you liked piloting."

"I do," I nodded, feeling a familiar tightness grip my body. "But still terrified I make mistake,"

The boy smiled lightly at me. That tightness turned to a sickening flutter. I forced myself not to lick my lips as they turned bone-dry... just in case he got the wrong idea. Another part of me started to wonder what his leg might feel like if I just brushed my own against his.

I snapped my gaze away, focusing in on the radio.

"_Beautiful Boy," _it sang. "_jibun no utsukushisa, mada shiranai no_"

I grimaced at its treason, hoping that the song would be interrupted. No such luck, Utada Hikaru just kept on singing.

He looked up at me, wondering just what my problem was.

"_It's only love_" The radio continued. "_nete mo samete mo shounen manga_

_yume mite bakka, jibun ga suki janai no_"

It's not love. It's annoying.

"What?" Shinji wondered if it was something he'd done.

"I have to shower," I stated, jumping to my feet. More like I had to get out there before I said something or did something to give him the wrong idea.

The boy watched me practically run to the bathroom, still trying to figure out just what the hell had happened.

I sighed. "I'm being an idiot, amn't I?"

The reflection in the mirror didn't answer. But I had enough self-awareness to at least know what I was doing looked like. I knew what answer Kensuke would give him, if he ever asked. 'Noriko is _tsundere_ for you Shinji, just like (character) in (animé)'.

No, I'm not. I'm just acting like a child. I'm acting like a normal, ordinary teenage girl. That thought made me chuckle in the shower. Just an ordinary teenage girl, with ordinary teenaged insecurities.

With Asuka sleeping in on Sundays, I had time to enjoy myself and get all nice and clean. I think I figured out the trick to all the shampoos and things. I used the ones that smelled nice, having no idea what they actually did.

Shinji had his book out again as I padded past with a towel around my body. He peered over the top of the page for a moment before hiding his gaze just as quick. I hurried in to where Asuka was still sleeping, dead to the world on her bed. She was lying on her back, red hair splayed across her pillow.

A flash of memory sent a chill down my spine.

End of Evangelion. I really didn't want to think about that right now. I was in too good a mood. I dressed myself, shuffling into a fresh set of clothes. My taste in fashion hadn't changed.

I left Sorhyu still slumbering, the girl mumbling to herself. Sunday morning animé beckoned. I slid the door shut behind me.

"I guess you expect me to wash your training stuff again," Shinji said with a bitter resignation.

I smiled shamefully at him, "I not know how."

His expression soured, "How can you not know how to wash your own clothes?"

Too lazy to bother.

"Never done it. And you make...um... good fabric soften."

His eyes narrowed.

"Fine..."

I probably should've felt guilty, but I didn't. I sat myself down on the couch and soaked up some post-impact animated culture. Mostly re-runs… one of which caught my attention.

A mixture of Yuusha Raideen, Space Runaway Ideon and Macross, washed through Babylonian Mythology and _Snow Crash_, Blu Aru was to giant robot shows, what Twin Peaks was to a cop show. Something about it seemed disturbingly familiar, and yet… completely and utterly different.

I promised myself I'd download it when I got the chance, or maybe borrow the boxed set I'd seen at the school club.

Like all mecha animé these days, it was broken by NERV recruitment ads. It asked, what are _you_ doing for the human race? A nice quick injection of pride. I was an Eva Pilot. I _saved the world._ I was the pointy end of a really long spear made up of all those people giving everything they could, just to get the Evangelion to a point where I might be able to fight with it.

I was probably overdoing it.

With the washing on, Shinji slipped into the bathroom… hoping to get washed and dressed before Asuka finally awoke. From what I guessed, it was something of a passive game of chicken. How long could he leave it, so that he could finish and be done before she was out of bed? How long could he stay in there?

I could hear Sorhyu start to stir. The shower had only stopped for about a minute, Shinji was either brushing his teeth, or shaving. I started to hope Asuka would be awake before he was done... if only for the entertainment value.

I mused to myself, since when did I become so evil?

It must've been something rubbing off from Misato. Dissapointingly, Shinji won the race, emerging with a towel wrapped around his waist, and a few spots of shaving foam under his ear... and on his leg.

"What?" he questioned.

"Nothing,"

Just a little disappointed, was all. I clicked the television over to the morning news. A bunch of covenanters had blocked an Eva lift. God hates NERV, read one sign. Angels are a blessing from God, read another. They learned the hard way that civil rights stopped at the city limits.

Covenanters were a weird crowd, to say the least. The last time they'd appeared on the news, Misato had gone off on ten minute rant that amazed even Asuka. They were the god-botherers who held to the idea that Second Impact was a result of mankind breaking some ancient covenant with God, so the Almighty took the good with him in the rapturous Impact War, and then sealed himself in heaven forever denying Earth his love.

A man-made hell, they called this world. In the theological sense of being a place free of God's love.

Of course, according to them, the only way to get back into God's good graces was to give in to the Angels and let the rest of us be raptured away in Third Impact. God raptures those who rapture themselves. And anyone who got in the way of God's good works - everyone who disagreed with them - well it was only Christian to rapture them too. They were the biggest threat to us… the Pilots. They were the reason we were followed by a discreet Honda loaded with agents everywhere we went.

The next story on the morning news followed a biosphere reconstruction project along the old Barrier Reef and another on the near-completion of the Boston reclamation. The city council election results were out, not that it mattered. Nozomi Takahashi won the window seat with the big pension.

The Ninth Angel was mentioned solely due to it blocking a few main thoroughfares. Attacks by giant aliens had become a weird routine. The first was amazing, the second was interesting, the third and following were a commuter inconvenience.

Shinji emerged from his room dressed in shorts and an airy t-shirt that advertised its wearer as being a 'Happy Fun Spirit'. That must be some sort of false advertising…. He sat beside me on the couch, startling me a little.

He was a boy. And I was a girl... and I was suddenly very aware of that.

"What's on?"

"The news," I said, making a conscious effort not to look at him.

"Anything else?"

I changed channel, "Cheeky Angel?" The reason why I watched it was obvious.

He frowned. "No…. something _good_."

"Like what?"

"I don't know."

Typical. People know what they don't want... but never what they do. An _awareness_ of his presence started to filter through my body, muscles tensing up ever so slightly.

He was a boy, and he was sitting beside me. I checked to make sure he wasn't looking at me. Nope. Just watching the box. For some reason, I was fascinated by how smooth his legs were. And how different…

Okay… focus on TV. I changed channel, flicking forward.

"Some Game show," The object of which seemed to be avoiding falling in the municipal sewers.

"Ew." he cringed.

Click.

"Lum the Invader Girl?"

"No," he sighed as if it really didn't matter.

Right. Nuts to it. We could hop through all ten channels and not find anything he wanted to watch. In fact, I was certain that's what was going to happen, so I just stuck it right back where I started, in time to catch the beginning of _Yuusha Strykers._

"I don't like mecha," the mecha pilot opined.

"I do," I stated.

And since he'd be unsatisfied no matter what I put on that screen, well, one of us might as well be satisfied.

"I get enough giant robots during the week."

"I like it. Good show."

Shinji just pouted it and made it clearly obvious that I was harming his fragile psyche by not putting something else on. He still sat and watched anyway. It opened with the ending of the previous episode. A First time pilot, and classmate of all the others, had decided to sacrifice herself with a dramatic and tear-jerking self-destruct. It was so…cheesy.

"_I'm sorry we won't make it to the lake after all Joe."_

Shinji decided to speak "Why do you like stuff like this? Why do you like piloting Eva?"

"_Light No! Think of all we have to live for. We can beat it. We can rescue you. We'll get you out. Just hold on."_

Didn't he already ask me that?

"_No… I'm already dead. This way, you'll all live to fight on. What does one life matter when the world is at stake!"_

"Always like Mecha," I said, "Link to home and... awesome um... how do you say? I like technology and machine,"

"unh," Shinji nodded, "But Eva isn't a TV show, this is real. People really get hurt."

"_Your life matters to me, Light. It matters more than anything in the world."_

I could almost have laughed at that. "I know," I said, keeping my voice soft. "That is not all,"

"Oh?" he pushed ever so slightly for more information, his calm blue eyes asking without pressuring for a response.

"_No Joe. It's too late. Your etha-shield will protect you. Live on Joe… Live on for me__.__"_

"Also. I am proud."

"It gives your pride?"

I just nodded. He thought on that for a while, while I thought on _him._ I could feel my body tensing up, my heart starting to beat ever faster. I took a long, deep breath and tried to cool myself off.

"I know you hate Eva," I said, testing the water. He winced a little. "I know you were force..."

"At first. But I chose to pilot again," he said, his voice firming again.

"Huh?"

"_Light!" _The TV screamed

Shinji nodded.

"Why?" I asked him, curious.

"I…. " he paused "Don't know."

The mech on television exploded in a flurry of flashback memories, halting at one final lingering shot of her with her boyfriend at the lakeshore that would just never be, before fading into white.

It was cheesy as hell.

"And that's why I don't like mecha animé," Shinji said, quietly. His voice was nearly drowned out by the scream from the TV.

"Cheese?"

"No," his voice softened.

The animated characters found the body in the wreckage. Lifesigns negative, followed by manly tears. The episode followed a funeral procession, with the coffin being carried on the back of a transport truck through streets lined with mourners, which promptly was interrupted by the next attack. Can the _Strykers_ get over their sorrow enough to save the world?

Is that why Shinji doesn't like Mecha?

I still didn't change the channel. Shinji eventually got fed up and left, getting back to his manga for a few minutes, before arranging to meet Kensuke and Touji. He called them, not the other way around.

Motoko was busy with a doctor's appointment today. Despite how much I hated using social networks, I left a message wishing her good luck on her DSpora noticeboard using my phone, then got back to my TV time.

It came to an end as Asuka emerged from our shared bedroom.

"Hey, Perry Rhodan is on the UN Forces channel," she announced, dropping down onto the couch beside me. As if everyone wanted to watch a German Language program.

Asuka watched it religiously.

I used it as time to take care of some of the paperwork expected of us pilots, noting my diet, some 'personal matters' and my exercise regime down for Akagi's records, before taking care of some technical stuff for Unit 03. I was technically a Lieutenant, an officer, so I had to sign off on maintenance logs, read a few reports from my crew chief and issue a few orders for work I wanted done.

I didn't need those carbon shrapnel launchers - they were only useful for close in stuff - so I gave the order for them to be replaced with a multiple missile launcher system I'd tested out with last weekend. There was also the option to mount a set of braking thrusters, gun turrets, ammunition bays, or even a pair of modified Minotaur IV rockets with N2 warheads.

They were intended to knock out orbiting targets only. The fourth stage was replaced by a warhead bus and 5 independent warheads. The warheads were designed to burn up safely if they ever re-entered the atmosphere. It required the Commander's authorisation to fit. He required the authorisation of the Security Council to authorise fitting the system. It'd be nice against the next Angel, but by the time the bureaucracy was sorted out, Tokyo-3 would be a crater.

Too bad. Looks like we'll have to just catch it again.

I logged in to the intranet with my laptop and forwarded the work order to my crew chief, along with some seat adjustments and a request for a redesigned plugsuit with a bit more space up top.

Shinji sat quietly beside Asuka. Why wasn't he complaining about her stupid programs? He probably couldn't even understand it, he was just sitting beside her and...

Oh.

Had that been a flash of Jealousy, Noriko? It can't have been. I have nothing to be jealous about. I'm just annoyed that he isn't complaining about what Asuka's watching.

Because Asuka will just tell him to shut up complaining. He complains to me because he feels safe and comfortable complaining to me. And that just makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

I chased that feeling away with another wave of disgust. Welcome to puberty, I thought bitterly. If it wasn't identity and self issues, the sanity monster was going to go after my sexuality next. Little Noriko's growing up and becoming a woman.

Bored, and waiting for the response from my crewchief, I overrode the school's own blocking - they just used their own DNS server so it was a simple matter of pointing it to a free one - and headed out into the wild blue web.

Here also, I could see how my perspective was changing on things. It wasn't a big thing, like suddenly seeing a picture of a muscled man and squeeing or transmuting into a rabid Yaoi fangirl, it was far more subtle than that.

It meant identifying more with the heroine of the webcomic, rather than the hero. It meant looking at her costume and quietly wondering what it might feel like to wear, even if I knew I didn't really want to. It meant finding the Yuri fanart exciting for entirely different reasons, and quickly skipping on from the more usual lemon in case my mind wandered to places I wasn't comfortable with it going.

Little steps.

There were other things beyond that which just served to enhance the feeling that myself had really changed. An argument about what GURPS stats an Evangelion would have proved that I was still myself.

It was fascinating to see what the world at large made of the Evangelions, and how wrong most of them where. There were the usual idiots who claimed to know the 'truth' about the pilots with all kinds of weird theories. It was an open secret that we were teenagers attending the local high school.

And going from that, any journalist worth their salt could probably figure out our names, where exactly we lived, nab our pictures and generally put together a reputation-building exposé.

NERV kept them quiet by threatening to freeze out any organisation publishing 'unwanted' information. They'd get their one big story, but NERV's PR department would go fully public, and make sure their competitors got the rest.

The only other occasion where NERV would go public with a Pilot's names, was if one of us was killed in action. I didn't want to think about that. Nobody had died in the original series. Not until everybody died anyway. If any one of us died, it would be my fault.

For a moment, I had the clearest picture of it, of a graveyard so large, I couldn't see the ends of it. Just uncountable numbers of little black markers and a single tear trickling down Asuka's cheek while she glared at the casket, as if hoping by sheer force of will that she could bring the body inside it back to life.

Fuyutsuki gave the eulogy, followed by the last post…. And I decided that I really didn't want to think about it anymore. I checked my mail inbox, and thanked God that my crew chief had sent back his acknowledgement.

I sent that to print, which meant sneaking into Misato's room to get it out of the printer. Pen-Pen stood guard outside.

"Who goes there?" he warked, standing to attention.

Ignoring him, I slipped into the room. It was a bombsite. It looked like someone'd held a pay-per-view EVA battle inside. Clothes were just dropped on the floor where they'd fallen from her body. I could see the exact sequence in which she'd stripped. Jacket, blouse, skirt, socks, brassiere… panties… and then Misato herself on her bed, lying butt naked on her back, sprawled across her bedsheets like a murder victim.

I stopped and gawked, feeling a sudden hot rush.

God she was hot!

A small part of me wondered if I wasn't looking at myself in fifteen years time. An even smaller part was busy wondering if it couldn't figure out a way to get….closer.

I put it out of my mind and hurried to the printer. Getting the printouts was easy, just don't drop to leave. I turned around to leave, carefully threading my way back through the mess on the floor. The aim was simple: don't wake Misato.

She sat up like a zombie. "Noriko."

I winced. "Sorry."

"Tell Shinji not to cook for me, I'll get something at work."

"Yep," I answered.

"And Noriko," she said with a wink and an amused giggle. "You might be quiet. But the printer isn't."

Typical. I hurried out after another apology, sitting back at the computer while I figured out what to do with the rest of my day.

It was strange, even our hobbies helped our ability to pilot. As Ritsuko explained it to me, they reinforced the idea of myself, and who I am. They strengthened the ego border, which meant harmonics and sync tests could be run deeper in the plug where it was easier to synchronise.

There was still something affirming to me about 'debating' online with someone I'd never met over an issue as petty as to whether an Evangelion could lift a Montana class battleship or not.

The television was showing some propaganda cartoon. Buy bonds today or something.

I got back to taking care of one other thing I'd been meaning to do. Familiarising myself with history. And not just of the last fifteen years. For some reason, World War Two didn't end until 1947. Otherwise, things were pretty much the same, right up until the end of the 20th century. A few names changed in certain places, but the nail factor was pretty low right up until Second Impact. Our history courses focused almost entirely on the last fifteen years.

I didn't give a rat's ass what the name of the scientist who discovered the meteor was, or what caused the Last Act of God, or what the Wulfenbach peace edict meant for international relations. It didn't matter to me

But it mattered to teachers.

I got back to filling my day with pointless inanities. Schoolwork was just too much effort. Translate, read. Read a load of other background stuff because I'm still missing fifteen years of cultural context, then finally get around to answering the question. Once I had the question answered, it was just a matter of translating that back into Japanese again. Even the 'easy' ones took forever.

All that work left little or no time for Maths and Sciences.

Maths was easier. Maths was a subject I aced. Everything else I could just do the bare minimum to pass the year and it'd be grand. Numbers where a universal language. I blitzed physics and sciences. I blitzed them because I knew it all already.

It surprised me when I scored the lowest of all the pilots in standardised IQ testing.

The phone rang. Shinji looked at myself, then at Asuka. Neither of us could really be bothered to answer it. I was too busy browsing through threads for poison singles on ni-chan while appreciating my new perspective on the whole thing.

"Fine," he sighed, stepping up to answer it.

I should've felt guilty. I didn't.

"_Moshi Moshi," _Shinji said. There was a pause. "It's for you, Asuka. It's Hikari."

Now she was in a hurry. She snapped the phone out of his hand, shouldering him out of the way. He stumbled backwards. "Hey!"

Asuka sneered at him. "It's none of your business Third Child."

He looked to me for help, but I was only ever going to stay neutral at best. I gave him a soft smile. Not my fight Shinji. He returned to his seat and started to channel-surf, Asuka chatted with Hikari, while I paid attention to the inanities of the world wide web. On most websites where I had a profile, I'd deliberately left my gender ambiguous.

Most users just assumed I was male, and a good deal older than fourteen.

I didn't want to destroy their illusion at first, and it had been fun to slip into the old male shoes for a little bit. But now it felt like I'd be pulling the trigger on the last of the man I had been.

Asuka hung up the phone. "Hey Fourth Child. I'm going to the mall with Hikari. You want to come?"

It wasn't really a request. I'd bet a month's allowance it was more because she didn't want me alone with Shinji than because she liked my company. Well, there was no way in hell I'd spend a few hours pouring through the latest in post-impact fashion.

I...I

A few hours later, I was pouring through the latest in post-impact fashions at a department store just south of armaments building R-34. Part of the car-park was given over to an EVA lift. A warning sign advised that owners parked their cars at their own risk.

Inside, the layout was basic and horribly tacky. It was post Second Impact cheap efficiency-chic. The only difference between brand-name clothes and the cheap store-brand, was literally just a label with a logo on it. All of it was made in the same factory. All of it was uncomplicated and simply cut.

I wasn't hating it. It would've been better if Motoko had been there, but I could still enjoy Hikari and Asuka's company. There was a shop selling Gothic Lolita stuff. It was a fascinating idea. I'd had friends who were interested in EGL and I liked the style.

But only on other people.

It'd be cool to wear. It'd suit my body for sure. With the dark hair, it'd look epic. It just didn't feel right the same way the pink frilly dresses didn't. It wasn't _me._

I found myself in the sportswear section.

Asuka gave her opinion. "Oh great, Noriko's gone cavegirl again."

"Asuka!" Hikari scowled.

"What? You do same physical training I do!"

Comebacks were never my strongpoint. Especially not in a foreign language.

"I meet the standard," she said, with a mild sneer. "But who wants to spend all day getting sweaty and sticky?"

Depends on who with.

"I like running. I like fitness things. I like a... how you say…Running High." She eyed me dubiously, always inspecting me. I stood my ground. "I Athletics champion. Olympic not for crash."

That took her back. Why did I feel like I had to defend myself to her? Why does that question matter? I have to, that's it. Sorhyu pursed her lips, thinking.

"Prove it," she challenged.

"This isn't the time," Hikari advised. "But I saw you out this morning Noriko. You looked so fast."

"Thank you," I smiled at her, throwing Asuka a smug glance.

Asuka's expression went black. "When we're done here, we're going to an internet café. We're going to do a search on your name." Her whole body inflated like a cobra ready to strike. "_Then_ we'll do a search on mine,"

You know what. I knew I'd been a champion. I remembered the trophy. I remembered running down the track with a school's crowd cheering with the cool breeze pulling against my t-shirt. The track surface was cracked and old, soft green weeds coming up through the cracks in the pavement. It might once have been red, but the sun had bleached it. The stadium concrete was stained and blackened by years of rain and grime. Schools had come out from all over the province. There were other girls there, most taller than me.

They stretched in the school colours. Some waved to the crowd. There was a small section calling my name, chanting "No-ri-ko, No-ri-ko". It was printed on the shining bracelet around my arm.

At the start line. My heart drilling through my chest, my body tense in the starting block, like a charge catapult ready to throw an Eva to the surface. Shoot off with a bang, and I'm in the lead from the first step. Race at speed along the track and I know I'm pulling away. Even from such a small crowd the sound is amazing. It picks me up and carries me forward and I'm suddenly the most important person in the world.

I'm going to win, I'm going to be number 1. I'm getting the trophy. The tape snaps across my chest and it takes a few moments for me to hear myself think over the cheer. I've got time to stop and turn around and see the second place crossing the line. I'm that far ahead. It's astounding. My time's better than the under-16's by a few hundredths of a second. And they're still chanting while that medal hangs on my neck, heavy and cold.

"No-ri-ko. No-ri-ko."

"Hey Noriko, snap out of it Fourth Child,.

She's clicking her fingers in front of my face. What's Asuka doing here? Things crash together like a gearbox shifted without a clutch, just a crunch of memory being forced together with little shavings of ideas sent spinning everywhere. I stare blankly at Asuka for a few seconds, simultaneously remembering the race, while also remembering attending a similar event, looking down from the stands.

It's not the same. In _my_ memory the stadium is better kept. It was before Second Impact after all. I'm the one in the stands, cold and shivering and cheering. Two concurrent sets of memories, co-existing happily.

"Whoa."

Asuka's eyes narrowed, her expression changing from a sort of plastic irritation to genuine concern.

"I think…" I started before pausing, holding my hand up. I didn't mean to give everything an air of cheesy melodrama. "I think I just remembered something."

"What? That you haven't done your homework yet?" she snarked at me.

"No," I said, flatly. "It was…" I looked at Hikari. Hikari looked just as uneasy as I felt, leaning around the side of Asuka. She didn't know my 'tragic backstory', or about my memory problems, did she? I switched languages "_It was my memory coming back, of a race."_

"_So you really remembered that stuff about being champion?"_

I nodded. "_Oh yeah__.__"_

She smirked wolfishly at me._ "Well, we'll see what Spider says later,"_

Hikari was tapping her foot. "Y'know that's really rude to do that."

"Sorry," said Asuka. "It was classified pilot stuff."

Thank. You. Asuka.

Hikari stood firm, bracing herself with "You could have told me,"

"Hey, I didn't know until Fourth child came out with it, alright," She glared at me. You're the one who should apologise Noriko.

"Sorry Hikari," I said, bowing just a little. Enough to show I knew that I was probably supposed to, but not so far that I might be either mocking her, or feel like a total eejit.

"Well, to make it up to you, the Fourth Child has agreed to buy us all ice-cream when we're finished."

"What?" I snapped at her.

She just smiled brightly at me, from ear to ear. "Hmmmm." Those blue eyes brooked no argument.

"I like Vanilla," Hikari said.

Two against one. Damn.

I put my hands up. "I surrender. I will pay."

They smiled at me. Two cats that got their cream, and I was the mouse. I needed Motoko, Motoko would've backed me up if she wasn't away with her doctors appointment. We carried on, while I started to feel more like the tail of the dog. Sure I could waggle when I wanted to, but I was still being dragged around wherever I didn't want to go.

Sure I felt I could wear anything in the store without getting weird looks, but I still didn't feel like I wanted to. I didn't have to either. A tomboyish girl in sportswear was still a girl, still a member of the club. An effeminate boy was just a target for others keen to prove their masculinity.

Girls could be just as cruel, but for different reasons I hadn't quite grasped, and in a very different way. Girls tended to attack self esteem rather than get physical, they tended to sneer and put down, rather than beat down. I think being an Eva pilot earned me a "get out of jail free" card from any school bullies, but I still saw it happen to others. I found myself hoping Kaworu didn't get the same privilege.

It didn't seem likely.

It was pointed out to me that I couldn't exactly go everywhere in running shorts and a t-shirt. I needed something more, girlish. After much personal debate, I decided to go for things which played up to the dark-haired _tsundere _type. If I absolutely had to wear a skirt and blouse, I'd wear a red button-up blouse, a dark pleated skirt and thigh-high socks because I really had a thing for _zettai ryouiki_ and it was marginally more comfortable than going bare-legged.

A look in the mirror told me that all I needed were twin-tails to complete the stereotype. It looked classy, for want of a better description. It was unanimously agreed that it was a look that suited me to a tee.

Choosing according to animé archetypes I'd liked might've seemed a bit silly, but it worked. It produced something at least tolerable to wear.

It reminded me that it was okay to still like the things I used to like. It wasn't one or the other, I could have both. I could still be a gamer and an animé nerd. As my self confidence got a little better, I might even be able to get around to trying cosplay. Well, I was already wandering around in Evangelion cosplay near daily, wasn't I? I could make a hell of a Revvy, or a Sailor Mars.

I did leave the store carrying significantly less than the others. I think I reached my emotional zenith for the series about the time we passed a games store. It was small, non-descript and quiet.

Asuka stopped outside, rooting herself to the concrete. "We are not going in there with those… those… nerds."

I actually had the courage to shoot back with a vicious glare. "I am," I stated, pushing the door open. A bell chimed. Hikari followed out of what must've been curiosity, while Asuka went in solely to avoid being the last one left outside.

There was only the clerk inside, who looked up just enough to acknowledge that we'd entered. He seemed to want to say something, opened his mouth to say it, but then decided against it. I didn't really intend on buying anything, I just wanted to get an idea of what things were like post second impact.

First thing; there were very few post-apocalyptic sourcebooks.

I flicked around, while Hikari marvelled at the painted miniatures in a case. Asuka stuck close to me.

"It smells in here," she whispered.

"That's paint." And the fact that it's hot and humid and their aircon seemed to be broken.

"I don't like the way that clerk is looking at us," she muttered.

"Hey Asuka! Noriko!" Hikari called out. "They have model Eva's."

Asuka lit up. "Do they have my Unit 02?"

I glanced over at the clerk, who'd suddenly taken interest. The salesman's sense had kicked in. "We have Evangelion Orange, Evangelion Purple and Evangelion Red," he announced. "But they're kits, not the finished models you see there, so you have to assemble them yourself."

Her nose seemed to scrunch up. Ew, self assembly.

"Do you have Unit…." I caught myself. "Do you have Evangelion Black?"

He smiled at me, "Since the body below the neck is the same as Red, we sell it as just a head."

It's not the same, it's not the same at all. Unit 02 only has twelve thousand plates of armour, 03 has twice that. And Unit 04 was a carbon copy of 03.

"Can I get the full set then? And two Evangelion Black kits?"

Asuka gawped a little.

"Two?" the clerk raised an eyebrow. "Know something we don't?" he chuckled getting far closer to the truth than he ever would know.

I laughed a little nervously and shared a conspiratorial glance with Asuka. She just shrugged.

I was encouraged to buy undercoat primers, paint sets and some other equipment that I knew I'd be able to get by without. It was my first encounter with a well meaning and otherwise pleasant clerk who just naturally assumed I had no idea what I was talking about because I happened to be a fourteen year old girl.

Was this normal? It was bloody annoying. I've built resin kits before, it was my big hobby. I knew he meant well, and didn't really mean to be annoying – I'd been on the other side of this more than once and learned that just because someone says they know what they're doing, doesn't mean they do.

It allowed me to be far more patient than Asuka would've been. She was already starting to stew.

I picked up a random sourcebook I liked the look of, solely to boggle Asuka's mind, then left confident in the knowledge that NERV would pay for it all out of my allowance. It was good. I was affirming myself. I was a person who liked athletics. I was a person who liked gaming, who liked animé.

I was becoming a fully rounded, generally happy and psychologically stable character. Hello, I'm Mary Sue and I've already slept with half the cast. It was a case of water water everywhere, nor any drop to drink. And, Misato love aside, I didn't even feel very thirsty anymore.

The PCs at the internet café seemed to date back to before the Second Impact. A quick glance on the shipping dates printed on the back told me they were less than a year old. 2014 model Athlon. It just showed where the world's priorities were.

Hikari sat at the keyboard, while I paid for an hour's computer time and ice-cream. Well, NERV paid for them. Asuka hovered impatiently over Hikari's shoulder, while she fought tooth and nail against a brain-damaged machine. I managed to get back just in time for her to get the browser actually working, and onto the directory page.

"Okay, do me first," Asuka ordered.

Hikari keyed in her name. Asuka thanked me for the ice-cream. Tense seconds went by. Asuka grimaced under the force of a full blown brain-freeze. I ate slow. Hikari left hers to melt.

"Error," she said.

Printed onscreen was 'Connection interrupted by intermediate server.'

"Try again," I suggested, before taking a bite out of some damn-fine minty-chocolate. Mmm... decadence.

"Error" she repeated. "The same one." She looked puzzled for a moment. "I'll try you, Noriko."

Asuka looked annoyed. "Stupid computers," she huffed.

"Another error," Hikari said, softly.

"Shinji Ikari?"

"The same again, Asuka."

"Rei Ayanami," I said. I think I see the pattern.

"Same error."

Hikari sighed and sat back. She glanced at us both. "You don't think NERV is monitoring the connection?"

"Try a search on your own name," Asuka suggested. Calmly.

Hikari laughed. "As if I'd ever be a pilot."

There were a few anticipatory moments, waiting for the servers to respond.

'Error,' the computer informed.

We glanced nervously at each other. Okay. That was weird.

"Try Touji," I said, tentatively.

Hikari typed, then clicked, then frowned. "The same."

I looked at Asuka, who looked just as confused as me. "Maybe Michiko?"

Type. Click. Sigh. "The same."

"Our searches on _everyone_ in our class being blocked?" asked Asuka, with an irritated snort.

"What about Motoko?" I suggested. "Motoko Hino is in 2-C."

Type. Click. Hikari let out a slightly surprised hum. "Translate" click. "A 'massage parlour' in California. "

All three of us laughed at that one. It wasn't a massage parlour at all, it was something far more…. intimate. Motoko would've blown a gasket and then some to know she shared her name with a second generation Japanese immigrant in California who ran a 'personal erotic massage parlour' for men.

We tried a few other names; people we knew, NERV employees, a few random names, my old name … the one hit wasn't 'me' … and a fanfic author I'd liked. All seemed to support the conclusion that searches on NERV employees were being intercepted, along with everyone in Class 2-A. Everything else went through, including some of the real crackpot Second Impact theories.

"But why would they block everyone in Class 2A, then?" Hikari wondered aloud. "I understand the Five of you, but not Kensuke Aida or Ami Mizuno."

Who, unsurprisingly, hated Sailor Moon.

Asuka's gaze was sour. "Maybe it's because everyone in the class is a pilot candidate?"

I looked at her, a little surprised. Nailed it in one.

"Even the foreigners?"

"Especially _us_." Asuka put a specific point on the 'us'. "If there're foreign pilot candidates, they go into class 2-A as well. No other class in the school has non-Japanese students. Most attend the UN school across the city."

Including Asuka and Kawaoru, there were five non-Japanese in 2A. The others were a pair of Americans and one Brit who kept their own private clique.

Hikari sat quietly for what seemed like quite a while. "Can you imagine me as an EVA pilot?" she laughed.

I smiled at her. I'd seen the fanart.

"Better you than one of the three stooges," opined Asuka.

Pilot Horaki. Considering that I pilot Unit 03, Bardiel's pretty much out of it unless something real screwy happens. Yes, I decided on being optimistic. I was in that good a mood. The world was getting better, even if I did nothing but be there. Everyone was happy. Nobody was a bawling ball in the corner. Angels will die. I'll live here for the rest of me life and be happy. And tempt fate while I'm at it.

"Try search; Leinster athletics championship 2014."

"Len Star?"

"Let me," I said.

She nudged the keyboard towards me. It took a few moments to figure it all out before I sent the search request. The answer came back a few moments later, three results down, beneath the sponsored links. It was a basic page, a news report from a local newspaper. The article was in English, but the picture put it beyond doubt. There it was… there I was…. a picture of me standing on the top step of the podium.

I slipped back into the memory, feeling my way around it, easing through it. I could walk around the sights, around the smells. I could feel the grit on the old concrete under my running shoes and the sweet scent of the grass. The podium was hollow, the girl beside me jealous and bitchy at the little foreigner who runs like a rocket. The medal was cold and heavy against my chest…. That was getting tender. A photographer called me name and told me to smile.

And there I was, on the other side of that image.

It was frightening. It sent a chill through my bones. It was strangely exhilarating. It was a thrill. It was a little like those first few moments after tipping over the edge on a roller coaster.

They both looked at the picture, then at me.

"You've grown," Hikari said, flatly. She wasn't referring to my height.

"Now let me try," Asuka grabbed the keyboard, punching at they keys. Moments later, a German webpage came up with a university graduation class photograph. Conspicuous among the students was one who was obviously a lot shorter andwore obviously long red hair, this time in a pair of thick braids suspended from a pair of red neural clips. "My university graduation class," she declared, haughtily.

Hikari shrivelled up just a little bit. "I feel so ordinary."

A perfect distaff counterpart to Shinji Ikari then.

Asuka swaggered as usual. "Well, I'm the only really exceptional one…."

"Hah!" I snorted.

"Well those two _wunderkind _share a genetic disease or something…. Shinji Ikari could be any boy in Japan and you…. Well you're just _weird,_ Noriko._"_

She rolled her tongue around the word weird. It sparked my sense of mischief and I tugged the keyboard away. I typed something in… just a quick curiosity of mine. A moment later, every single person in the café groaned and cursed as one.

Connection failure.

The whole café had been disconnected from the net. Wow. Suddenly feeling just a little bit paranoid, we left quickly. It wasn't until we were well outside and halfway home that Asuka dared ask me what exactly I'd typed into the search engine.

"Just a few NERV related keywords."

"That's creepy," said Hikari. "To know that people are watching you all the time."

"Such is the life of an Eva pilot."

Distant helicopters were beating their way through the air, and I began to regret doing something so stupid. We hurried back to the Katsuragi apartment, making it to the door without being run down, or bundled into secret black choppers to disappear into the night. It felt like an accomplishment.

The first thing I did was check to see how Motoko was. The only thing that would've made this day better, was if she'd come with us.

I…I

Most of the evening was spent fiddling with resin. The others were doing the last of their homework. I'd finished the parts I'd intended to do an hour or so earlier, so I got down to my hobbies. The casting quality was alright, with a good level of detail. But I could see the differences between the real thing and the model.

The sculptor'd only had grainy photographs and video snippets to go on and had gotten the proportions a little bit wrong. For one thing, the shoulders were much too human and narrow, with a too-broad waist. I kept spotting little glitches and errors; the sort of things you only noticed if you actually piloted the thing.

It was frustrating, and more than a little distracting. Unit 01 lacked the proper frill, and the horn was shaped wrong. Lockbolts were missing, as were the comm's arrays. And the entry plug armour plating and power-socket were totally wrong. They assumed the arms were armoured, when only Unit 03's were.

Needless to say, it was no Master Grade. It was still good to get about building the thing.

"That's not how the chain rule works, stupid!"

Asuka was helping Shinji with mathematics. Oh, that question. It was easy enough. I turned my attention back to the kit, cleaning some flash off of a Unit 03 head. An ominous shadow fell across me. I looked up, right into the cheery brown eyes of Misato.

"What's that you've got there?"

"Evangelion models," I stated, cheerfully.

She leant down on the back of the chair, her breasts brushing nicely against the back of my head. "Where'd you get 'em?"

"Games shop. Mall near...uh... Armaments R34."

"Ah." Misato said, putting a finger to her lips as she thought. "I know the mall. I'll have Section 2 raid the shop."

"Huh?"

"Well," she said with a cheery grin, "That's critical Evangelion weapon system design information."

The feeling of treason lingered for more than a few minutes. I gave her a sour look. "Not good kit. Many mistakes."

She just sighed, "Still, it's something we have to investigate."

"And. Discussion online?"

"Most is on servers outside our jurisdiction." She winked at me, "And it's a good way to spread misinformation."

"Well shit."

"And why are you doing this, and not that essay?"

Because, I saved the world. Because the only reason that old git is still alive and not a puddle on the floor is because, while the others were typing away by candlelight I was hanging in an access shaft with a pallet rifle. Because it was idiotic to expect us to keep up with schoolwork when we were busy synching, training, testing, and following that up with more testing.

"Not worth doing."

Her expression darkened, "Explain."

"Well." This was hard to get straight in my head. "I score low on history. I pass by small amount. With late penalty, failure guaranteed. It is better…" I stopped to arrange the words in my mind. "...to concentrate on what I know and do it well and not...um…spend hours on something I fail, then lose time to spend on things I am good,"

"So, prioritising what you can do well and not wasting time on things you can't do. Then, the extra time taken with what you're good at makes up for the automatic failure?"

I nodded.

"Hmmm. As I recall, that's what the Tokugawa plan was; to prioritise those we could help and assign them rations based upon their current and future usefulness to society."

I knew that. I knew it because it was drilled into us in school that we were the most valuable thing humanity had. We were humanity's future, even without the Evangelion. We got the best of everything, the best food and care in the refugee camps, the best medical care outside. It's why I was kept alive.

"So," she continued. "Maybe you should just write a quick note explaining that. Especially since you've already finished your other work,"

It was time for a childish pout. There could be no other arguments. There had to be a way out.

"I will help Shinji with math."

"Oh no you don't, Fourth Child. He doesn't need your help, since I'm already doing it."

Asuka's green eyed monster reared its ugly head. I was just looking for a way out of wrist-aching kanji.

He frowned, "You're making it harder."

Dirty minds!

"No I'm not. Look, I'll do it for you," she grasped at his pen and he snatched it back. "Show some gratitude!"

"Asuka," Misato cut in. "He has to do it by himself or he'll never learn."

"Oh come on, now you say that?" she snapped back.

Looks like I'd be getting out of the work after all. I made a show of working while I chatted with Motoko via IM. I was actually describing what I'd bought with glee, solely because she was interested, and it was nice to have someone interested in what I'd done. She even asked for a webcam picture. Naturally, I obliged, scuttling off to get changed.

I'd happily wear a skirt for a friend, especially if that friend was likely to tell me I looked good. Mental attitude tended to work in a positive feedback loop. Feeling good made it easier to do things that made me feel better. Feeling bad meant things would just get worse and worse in a vicious cycle.

Taking out that Angel broke the cycle of despair. It allowed me to take a step forward.

It let me be more adventurous in what I wore, to have the self-confidence to start to explore and maybe find things that made me feel better.

Shinji was first to see me emerge, curiously turning around, his attention more drawn by the sound of activity rather than me specifically. Then he saw me. Then he began to gawk, the half-chewed pen in his mouth drooping down. Asuka saw him gawking. The green eyed monster returned while I watched her expression darken like the sky before an oncoming hurricane.

It scared the crap out of me. It thrilled me. He found me attractive. Asuka saw me not as something beneath her, but as an equal rival.

"Shinji, pay attention to your work!"

Pay attention to me! She was really saying.

"Sorry," he whined. She tried to tower over him. In short-cut denim shorts and a sleeveless t-shirt, she succeeded. Misato looked up at me, lazily eyeing me over the rim of her can of coffee. No beer when driving.

"Nice… but aren't you supposed to be doing homework?"

Damn.

Asuka barked a laugh "Hah!" Shinji smiled at me before cowing down to work.

It took over an hour to eke out a single paragraph of an essay. That was all I could do. It was painstaking. It was physically painful. Each word felt as if it had to be hewn from a solid block of raw granite with a very small chisel. It was a royal pain in the bloody arse. It leeched away all the energy I had and left me slumped and drained, leaving a desiccated husk behind unable to do anything but consider going to bed while rhythmically rubbing my stocking'd feet over and against each other. Smooth nylon on a cool evening…. It was…soothing. It was so distracting I blanked for what felt like ten minutes before snapping out of it with a shock and a warm tingle running through my body. The idea that it might feel good to brush my leg against someone elses flickered through my mind. I shot that thought in the head… the nearest leg was Shinji, and Asuka would kill me. It was still bleeding on the floor of my mind when Motoko's response came back

"Wow! That's a really nice outfit Noriko. It really suits you."

It was totally worth it just to be complimented by a friend. It closed the virtuous circle with a boost of ego that had me wondering if I shouldn't try other things.

Misato, now dressed for work looked in on what I'd managed to do.

"It's better than nothing," she said. That was about the kindest thing it would be possible to say about it, and I could tell she'd taken a long time to come up with that. "Doing nothing just because it's too difficult is the first step along the road to destruction. What do you think would've happened now if we'd listened to the scientists who told us building the Evas was impossible?"

She stared right at us all, wearing a cold expression that sucked the heat out of the room. "If you aren't willing to try, then why are you alive?"

There's a big difference between the ultimate pan-global Manhattan project to build a weapon upon which the fate of all humanity must hinge and a poxy middle school essay set by a doddering old codger who still had impact flashbacks and insisted that we should all lionise his generation for rebuilding after a World War and a global disaster.

The way I figure it, if I'm going to be a fourteen year old girl, it's only fair that I get to be fourteen in outlook too. It's a package deal.

But she did have a small point. I prioritised my time, then found that I still had some left over. I could at least use it to make an attempt and score a few marks.

"Ok." I said.

"Well," she smiled a little at each of us, bringing a small amount of sunshine into the room. "It's time for my shift. Hopefully, I won't see you three until the morning."

Because if we saw her sooner, that meant an Angel attack. I knew there wouldn't be one.

"Goodbye," Shinji beamed. Asuke glared. I suppressed a hearty chuckle that'd get me killed.

Misato winked at him. "Be careful Shinji. Don't let these two girls corrupt you and take your innocent purity," she purred, suggesting she wanted him all to herself.

"You old pervert," Asuka sneered. "He's half your age."

"It's not how old you are, it's how old you feel," she cooed dreamily, leaning over Shinji. She propped those two big breasts of hers on top of his head, squishing him down into his seat. Shinji grimaced from beneath marshmallow hell, glowering up at her, his face a grim mixture of irritation and adolescent hope.

I had a sudden flash, picturing myself in Shinji's place, going all tingly inside. A second flash, of myself in Misato's place, with Shinji's head pressed against my chest sent little tingles crawling through my chest, like the feet of a thousand little ants deep inside me. I crossed my arms defensively, feeling an odd blush begin to heat my face. I set my jaw grimly.

"I do not like Shinji," I stated. He looked stunned for a moment. Crap! "I mean... I ... Not like ... em..." I tumbled over myself, trying to find the right words.

Asuka sighed. "She means she's not physically attracted to you," she clarified. "Not that she hates you,"

"Exactly," I confirmed.

"Oh," Shinji relaxed, and seemed to forget for a moment that he was wearing Misato's boobs for a hat. "Can you take them off? They're real heavy."

"Try carrying them around," Misato giggled, standing upright again. She squeezed them together into this great deep valley, before letting them drop down with a bounce.

Right. Back pains. Something else I get to grow into.

"And aren't you going to be late?" Shinji said, sourly.

"Spoilsport," she pouted. It took a few moments for her adult composure to return. "Anyway, a long and boring night dealing with the Goddess Relief Service beckons. I'll see you three in the morning."

Hamburg named their Magi after the Norns. Japanese members of NERV did what came natural soon after. Misato slipped quietly out of the door, for a moment leaving me with the feeling that she was just a little bit ashamed.

Asuka blew out a long, false sigh as the front door slid home, leaning dangerously back on her chair, almost daring it to slip out from under her and break her neck.

"Must've met Kaji last night, " she declared.

"Huh?"

"She gets like this if they both were on the same shift. She always teases Shinji more."

The boy frowned just a little bit. "It sucks being the only guy in the house."

"Ritsuko will... do surgery, if that problem."

He gawked at me.

Asuka groaned. "Cavegirl makes a funny."

"I don't want to be a girl anyway," said Shinji. "I'm a boy," he declared with manly gusto.

I half-laughed.

It would certainly have reduced the sexual tension in this apartment to manageable level if Shinji had been a girl. Misato wouldn't be teasing her. Asuka wouldn't be going all tsundere, they'd probably even be friends, and I'd be able to lounge lazily around in my underwear rather than having to get dressed.

And it'd make for a more interesting show, if you're into the moe thing. Moe Shinjiko, hard, tsundere Asuka, softer Noriko, and fey and mysterious Rei. I smirked at the thought. There was a Yuri doujin in there somewhere. Shinji himself got back to cooking.

It was a scene of domestic bliss. I thought about changing out of my clothes, but ended up not bothering. What did the saviours of humanity do on their off-time? What did animé characters do during the long days between episodes when the excession of the week wasn't blasting the city to rubble and threatening humanity's extinction if we failed?

The exact same things every child their age did when they had free time to spare.

We lounged around, watched TV, argued, ate snacks, complained and hogged the telephone. I pirated a two-decade old animé series and some RPG sourcebooks to confirm a few things for myself, and finally went digging for some crisps because I felt like eating something crunchy and salty.

"Sorry," Asuka waved her packet it me. The remaining crisps inside shuffled mouth-wateringly inside. I felt my mouth begin to perspire with desire. "Last one. Early bird, catches the worm."

I always preferred to be the second mouse who got the cheese myself. I shot her a dirty look. She grinned at me in victory.

"_Ah bollox, I'll get some myself,"_

Change clothes? For a trip to the nearest Lawson's for a bag of Doritos? I breezed out the door and out into the late evening. The sky was a stunning, burning orange, pale smoky clouds rolling over the tops of the mountains. Lights were coming on in the city. Many were aircraft warning lights or Evangelion waypoints. Some were apartments, twinkling into being on the face of residential blocks. The roads where near empty, with only a few out on the streets. There was an evening chill in the air, while concrete radiated the stored heat of the day.

A traditional-style bar was bustling as day-shift down the Geofront was beginning to end. Kaji waved at me, and I ran away. Something about him just set off alarm bells deep within. Ryouji Kaji was Bad News, my mind warned with the full flashing lights and klaxons display. It sent chills through my body just thinking about him.

I was getting into the old part of town, by which time the sun had sunk low between two mountains, which for a moment reminded me of a pair of breasts. There was a small playground on a green area just outside the supermarket. Alone, a boy was playing by himself in a diamond sandpit, slowly digging a trench with a plastic front loader that in his own imagination was five metres tall solid steel.

I remembered being his age.

I remembered being a boy his age. Clear as a bell it rang like the cicadas in the evening sun.

His mother called him away and he began to pout in that childish way we all did when we wanted five minutes more after the last five minutes more. The bell of recollection tolled once more as I remembered myself demanding the exact same thing. I knew I'd seen this place before.

And not recently.

I stopped at stared into the pit for a few seconds. It was just a diamond full of rough sand, surrounded by cracked and silvered wood.

The memory was gone.

Oh well. Not every recollection was going to come as easy as that championship one. I picked up what I wanted from the Lawsons, along with a few other things I didn't want as was the usual way with supermarkets, then set off home at a gentle amble. The great thing about being so physically active day to day, was that I could eat a little junk food without too many ill effects.

The sun had dropped below the mountains, burning like a distant fire in the west. More lights were coming to life. That's what Asuka meant, about the city seeming more alive with the lights on. It was a place where people lived, rather than the rusting ghost towns along the coast. Light was life.

I had a whole life ahead of me now. And it was my life.

Clear skies were turning to purple velvet as darkness finally closed in, the first stars winking back at me as a coda to a day which had felt revolutionary. I hiked up the stairs, finding the door to home. I remembered my first time making the journey, and how I'd come through that door to see a pair of Asuka's neural clips and Shinji's SDAT on the table and it'd all seemed so strangely unreal.

"I'm back!" I announced.

"Welcome home," Shinji smiled. His arms where caked in suds, the boy cleaning up after dinner

That was it. If a random omnipotent being had popped in at just that moment and survived to offer me the chance to go home, chances were my answer would've been that I am.

Come to think of it, I never really thought much of home. At first, maybe I was too shocked to think about it. As that passed, I was too burned out from training, then came my identity issues, then… now. It never entered my mental landscape because I was too busy with other, more immediate thoughts. Now, well… here I am.

Asuka spotted the bagful of junkfood.

"So that's what all the training is for," she said, with that foxish smirk.

I propped my leg up on the couch, stretching it straight out. Muscles went taut under dark stockings, and I slapped my thigh.

"Rock solid." More or less.

Under my skin was the soft outline of muscle. Not bulging or anything, just me being lean, fit and toned. Her eyes narrowed. Behind me, there was a clatter, followed by a splash that sent a shock through my body. Both of us turned around to see a heavy steel pot on the floor, dishwater slopping across the tiling.

"Pervert!" Asuka accused.

Oops.

The three of us finished the night gaming, with Pen-Pen stealing crisps. I showered for the evening, while the others went to bed. I lingered alone in the land of the waking for a few minutes because I just didn't want the day to end.

My new life wasn't better than my old. It wasn't worse. Sure I got to pilot the giant robot, but it was a lot of work, and I could get killed. I could get worse than killed. I was fitter than who I used to be, but conversely, more fragile. A hard fall would shatter my leg and arm all over again. It was all swings and roundabouts really.

Padding my way to my bedroom in the dark, I glanced out the window at the night beyond. There were lights twinkling on the moon while the city beneath had gone to sleep.

Asuka was dead to the world in bed, muttering away to herself in her native language. Her bedsheets had fallen off. Striped panties accentuated the curves of her backside. My first thought was that she was going to wake up cold and grouchy, and I'd have to put up with it.

My second thought was that it was time to get to sleep myself. School tomorrow. Pain-in-the-ass teacher tomorrow. And another three hours of after-school testing and training tomorrow. Kaworu tomorrow.

Here I am.

Even if I do still dream of Evangelion fanfics

I…I

Monday morning. I don't like Mondays. It was still dark when I woke up, wondering why I wasn't able to see in the dark anymore before quickly realizing that had probably been a dream. Stupid thing. I was licking at my incisors while slipping a hand down my underwear to just to confirm that I was still Noriko.

That'd be just perfect, wouldn't it?

I didn't want to go through this all over again. And I didn't want to spend the rest of my days re-watching End of Evangelion knowing I left people I actually care about to that fate, when I could've been in a position to do something. Asuka, Shinji, Misato, Motoko, they were all real people, not just animated emotional wastelands.

What I find down below reassures me, and I wonder for a moment if it wouldn't've been easier to just take a breath and feel my bedsheets tickling against my chest, or turn over and let the weight of them droop over.

A few minutes later, I was running through the usual morning routine. Eat, exercise, wash, have more breakfast, confirm that I did have a post-school synchronisation test, get dressed into my school uniform, run to catch up with the two lovebirds, then make it through the gate with a minute to spare.

Motoko was there, switched to those pain-in-the-foot school shoes already

"Morning Noriko."

"Morning Motoko."

"You seem cheery this morning."

Yes, yes I am. "My memory come back,"

"Oh," she paused for a moment. "I just remembered something too. A bunch of us are going up to lake Takanosu for a swim this weekend, want to come? Just us girls…"

I thought about it for a moment. A week ago, I might've made an excuse to get out of it.

"Sure." I smiled, giving a shrug "_What the hell__.__"_

Class was its usual monotonous hell, stuffed in a solar furnace. Rei was still trying to win her staring match with the tree outside, I glanced back at Kaworu who was ever the diligent student. Nothing unusual was happening. Nothing was going to happen, despite me tempting fate. Our weekend assignments were collected, and I spent more time fooling around sending messages on the school's intranet and dodging around the webfilter than I did paying attention to the old man.

"As you would know from your assignments, the Tokugawa plan was founded upon the simple assertion that, if we tried to save everyone, we would save no-one. The plan called for the distribution of resources according to where they would be most effective, rather than where they were most needed,"

A message popped up.

::Meet me at lunchtime – Kyonichi

I sent back.

:: Why?

"Whole communities were left to fend for themselves, while important urban centres were evacuated to refugee camps. Priority in the camps was given to skilled labourers, expectant mothers and especially young children after the full effects of Tyrell's disease became known."

::Something weird happened with the secret information you sent.

::What?

They didn't get arrested, did they?

"After the despair of learning that we would be little more than a twilight to the human race, came the hope when it was discovered that the children who had been born after Second Impact were immune to the disease and its effects."

He was looking at Shiori who made her best efforts to hide behind her laptop.

"Never forget that the future of the human race is inside you, in more ways than one."

And I felt sick to think about that.

:: I need to talk in person. Main yard.

He probably didn't. He probably wanted to be seen talking with an EVA Pilot. Well, it wasn't like I had anything important to do.

::I'll see you then

"Of course, you should all remember those who got you here, those who rebuilt from the ground up , not just once, but twice, and made sure that you would have a future…" And I stopped paying attention outright. Noriko's brain has left the building. His mouth was flapping, sounds were coming out, but I really didn't care what they were.

And started pondering the nature of sexuality, and how I was supposed to figure that out. Blame Motoko for sending me a link to what was supposed to be an attractive man. It didn't trigger a single thing. Rather than making waves, I pretended to agree with her, while generally feeling just a little inert inside. It wouldn't be too long before I understood completely. The law of averages said I'd be a nice, natural heterosexual woman…

Well shit.

I was marking time, waiting for death by boredom.

After a few year's wait, the lunchbell chimed. "Have we not heard the chimes at midday," said General Chang. Or something like that. I preferred sandwiches for lunch. Asuka preferred to get hers from Shinji. Some of the girls were laughing, and I could tell by the way they were looking at me that I was the target. I scanned the yard self-consciously, wondering if it was something I'd missed.

Schoolyard paranoia, how I missed you.

Nobody else seemed to be paying attention. I scanned again. Shinji had clustered with his own group, while Asuka was stalking. For a moment I thought I saw Kaworu with one of the girls from 2-C, but must've been seeing things. Rei was her usual rocky island, by herself and obviously content to be. Life continued.

"Yo Noriko!"

Kyonichi was waving from across the yard. I didn't run over to him, I strolled slowly. This was me in control. This was me regretting the whole Haruhi thing and not just ignoring them from the start.

"Hey," I said, unenthusiastically.

Well, he wasn't a bad person.

"I don't know what you did, but our server got rooted twenty minutes after Ha…" he stopped, grimacing while he rubbed at his temples. "Sakura! Damn it, now even I'm doing it," He was radiating frustration, hot and angry. He shook it off. "Anyway, where was I?"

"Server root," I said, fighting the urge to twirl a strand of hair through my fingers. Just hurry this up please.

"Yes! It got hacked and blown straight off the internet. Erased beyond hope of recovery. I don't know what set it off, but it's got Sakura believing that whatever you say to her about NERV will be the truth, and that they were covering it up."

I chuckled mischievously, before remembering what had happened at the internet café. A creeping unease snarled up inside my stomach. It gave me an idea… something that might keep him from bugging me for more.

"Be careful," I said, keeping my voice as flat as I could manage. "NERV always watch. They watch internet. They watch posting. They will disappear people who know too much."

He slowly turned his head towards the convoy of vehicles waiting to bring us to the Geofront at a moments notice. He looked at me. He looked at each of the other pilots in turn, then over at Sakura who was bothering someone from the computer club.

"She wants to ask those agents about the conspiracy."

"Really?"

He gave me a wan smile. "I'm beginning to think this Haruhi masquerade might've been a bad idea."

"It…." and I had no idea how to finish that off. The sentence I'd prepared in advance just didn't fit anymore "What else can do?"

"Bite the bullet, call the school psychiatrist. Destroy what's left of her. Push her into a full blown mental breakdown and hope she doesn't harm herself when she finds the truth. Then have her fall into the government childcare system."

Alright, I'm still an adult in a way, I can still make the adult choice.

"I think, it would be harmful to continue," I suggested, tentatively. "NERV will disappear her if she… continue."

He sighed, looking away over at her still bothering the girl she insisted was her Mikuru, "I just don't want her to be hurt."

"The longer it goes on, the more it'll hurt when it ends."

I forgot what film that was from, but it felt like exactly the right thing to say. He was still looking at her. "Unh… there has to be something we can do?"

I am technically an orphan. I don't feel it. My father died holding me. My mother is 'dead'… my other parents are in an entirely different universe forever sealed away from me. I don't really feel that at all.

But I can lie about it.

"I have no parent." I stated.

He took a double take at me. "Really?"

I gave the best impression of a solemn nod. It was hard not to grin like an idiot. Part of this still felt like I was pulling the biggest prank on the whole world. For a moment I feared he'd call me on it.

"Well, I suppose you're in the Father's only class. But…"

He was clawing for a way out of the emotional hole he was certain he was digging

"I do not mind," I assured him, forcing a smile. "It was an accident last year. "

I could smell jet fuel as I kicked that particular memory back under the carpet. Shoo! Shoo! Get out of my mind. Take a deep breath and staple down the carpet where it could stay hiding.

He looked away at Sakura, still in full Haruhi cry. She'd stopped being annoying comedy, and had become a tragedy in her own way. Pitiable, but someone I could sympathise with. I knew a little about what it was like not to know who you are, or to think you're the wrong person…. Or something like that.

"Well, if you're willing to back me up. I'll talk to the others."

"I will."

"Thanks Noriko, _Ja ne__.__"_

I was left alone again as he ran off, waving at me. But not for long, I determined. I knew where Motoko was, and I was determined to spend some quality time with my high-school friend. I wasn't sure what exactly we could talk about, I was curious to see how my changed perspective would affect things.

"Noriko," a voice tried to stop me.

I ignored it.

"Noriko," it insisted. A heavy hand grabbed at my shoulder.

I spun on my heel. "What?" I spat.

Kaworu Nagisa was smiling at me. What the fangirls were calling stunning alazarin eyes were boring through my soul, riding a hollow mockery of a friendly smile,

"I need to speak with you."

"Fuck off Kaworu!"

I'm certain half the campus heard that. He didn't seem ashamed, and I certainly didn't feel the need to be. Time to put my tsun-tsun hat on. How would Asuka deal with him? I consciously copied her usual stance. Legs planted, arms akimbo, staring down the target while trying to stretch myself up.

His expression didn't change. "I still don't under…"

I deliberately slammed the door on that sentence. "Look. I don't get why you're being so friendly with me," I hissed through my teeth. "I don't care. I'm just waiting for the day you turn around and finally decide it's your turn to make a run at Third Impact. And when that day comes it won't be Shinji taking minutes to think about it, holding you in Unit 01's hand. It'll be me, with a grin on my face, glad to wait just a few seconds to savour the moment before getting my revenge and making your body go pop in my fingers."

And that mental image never failed to make me smile. Ever squeeze a jelly baby between your fingers when you were a child?

"Even if that would hurt Shinji?" he enquired "If I was Shinji's friend, you would murder me?"

"Don't use Shinji as a shield! You destroyed me, remember?" I tried my best to loom and menace. He smelled of sweat and LCL. "I'm beating you by building myself back up and putting myself together. I'm getting used to it. I can live like this. But I can't forgive you for taking my life from me. I am going to destroy you."

And that was a fucking promise. Drilled into his chest with my finger.

_That _got a reaction. A momentary shock. Kaworu doesn't like pain. Kaworu doesn't know what pain is.

"So be it." He knew he was going to die anyway. He would have to. He didn't even bat an eyelid. " I just assumed you would like to know about the next Angel."

"Misato's party hasn't happened yet," I hissed.

"No, but Sahaquiel won't play by the script. Sahaquiel will play to win."

He spoke with the same, serene certainty he always did.

"What?"

"I don't know how, just that he'll try."

"Well thank you. That's a great fucking help that is."

"You're welcome," he said, mildly.

I went arms akimbo. Another deliberate Asuka imitation. I was on a roll. "What, no concept of sarcasm, Mysterious Stranger?"

"I believe you are grateful for the warning, even if your anger doesn't let you truly show it,"

What. The. Christ.

"Whatever. I'm done."

I spun on a heel with a weighty swish from my hair. It pendulumed behind me, dragging my head just a little. I stomped away from him, driving my heels into the tarmac. Stones crunched under thin-soled shoes and I would be damned if I wasn't glad half the school was watching that.

The virtuous cycle of self-confidence continued.

A mental image of who Noriko was supposed to be was beginning to form in my mind. Asuka-lite. Heavy on the _dere_, with enough _tsun-tsun_ to give the right amount of spice. In otherwords, normal, well adjusted... with an irrational hatred of one particular person that nobody will be able to explain. Misato without the real dark parts, and hopefully with the same... bounce.

Myself was mine to define from here on in.

It's funny. In fiction, the heroes were always the hero. They could be safe in that knowledge. While the coward could assure himself that he would always be the coward. But, here and now, in Tokyo-3, the self-called hero could become a coward. And the self-called coward could become a hero.

We are who we make ourselves to be. Ask Shinji about that in a few episodes time.

I choose to be happy.

I probably shouldn't have yelled "I am shit hot!" and punched the air in the middle of the schoolyard.

But I felt great. I was in that wonderful time of bliss between the time when I dealt with my own problems, but before the one's Noriko had before the accident manifested themselves. Enjoy it while it lasts, because if Noriko's neuroses don't hit, something else is going to come along to take this away from me. A meteorite from above perhaps.

Eating as I walked, I looked for Motoko.

Shinji was at the centre of attention again, flanked by both stooges as they dealt illicit pictures. I could hear him laughing in the centre of it. Asuka was in the bathroom….. that was a sickening reminder of something I really hated. It made me cringe inside.

Where was Motoko?

The alarm bell interrupted my search.

Back to the drudgery. I'd catch her on the network. Save the world, go to school then get chewed out by a teacher who doesn't appreciate me trying to winkle out of an assignment using a clever justification based on the subject of that assignment. The one thing Misato couldn't beat was an educator's sense of arrogant superiority.

I received a failing grade. I was the only student failing history. Everyone found the concept of one of the Eva pilots _failing_ hilarious.

I received commiserations from Motoko, humiliation from everyone else, then a nasty shock when the RSS feed suddenly exploded with tsunami warnings.

The tenth?

I snatched a glance at Nagisa, then at the others in the class. He wasn't doing anything more than sitting through his lesson, pretending to be normal. Asuka was tapping away one-finger scrolling through whatever she was reading. Shinji appeared to notice, but not be too bothered.

News followed through ten minutes later; Another earthquake off old Tokyo, a faultline dumping aeons of stress…. Nothing more.

All it did was get my heart racing and collapse a few old buildings on the coast that were well rotten.

Our next assignment was a writing assignment. Speculative fiction. Had Second Impact not happened, what would the world have been like?

This. This would be easy.

I...I

I live in a world where half of humanity was wiped out by natural disaster, giant monsters beyond our understanding are attacking and the only way to fight them off is using technology centuries ahead of its time, powered by weaponised maternal instincts and piloted by children of questionable sanity. I wrote an essay on alternate histories for class, about a world where Second Impact never happened. I told the truth, straight down the middle.

It got rejected for not being believable in the slightest. A good technothriller maybe if I worked at it, but completely unrealistic.

An hour later I was sitting in my giant robot. What is the real world, when the truth about where I came from gets rejected as a ridiculous fiction?

This one. Because right now, this is where I am. September 11th, 2015, Neo-Tokyo 3.

A week had gone by. A week of training. I saw Nagisa going through the same training I had. I saw him at school stalking around by himself.

A bunch of us went swimming up at the new Lake Takanosu. It was nice to be around other girls without feeling like the outsider all the time, or uncomfortably self-conscious. It was just the normal teenage self-consciousness.

I made First Lieutenant in a small ceremony, where I received a medal for killing an Angel. My emotional armour was at it's strongest.

We did this really cool exercise, an officer training thing, where each of us was put in a single room and given a pair of television screens and our own bridge-bunny. I got Maya. The screens would only show surveillance camera footage of a squad of troops we had to pass orders on to. We were given a simple objective; building a cart out of an assortment of random parts from scrap cars, then guiding them and the cart through an obstacle course under simulated fire.

The test was of our ability to think through a problem, take advice, and then make sure that our could get my point across through a bridge-bunny with nothing more than a comm-link. I think the real reason was to give us a little bit of sympathy for the difficulties of command.

I did alright. My initial plan of doing whatever Misato would do failed when I realised I had no idea what Misato would actually do. So I just asked the squad for ideas since they knew better, then chose which of their own ideas to implement. Mission completed, with the third best time. Asuka grabbed the bull by the horns and controlled everything, micromanaging the slightest details. She finished first, a full minute and a half ahead of everyone else. Technically she got two of her people 'killed' in the process, so was docked points. Rei took the same approach I did, coming in second just ten seconds ahead of me. Kawaoru was fourth, with Shinji taking the longest.

Finally, we were graded by the troops. They liked Asuka's ability to take control quickly… to a point, though greatly disliked her tendency to get them killed. But it was hard to argue with results. Shinji, at the opposite end, just didn't assert himself enough while Kawaoru did his usual thing of being pleasant at first, but creeping everyone out in large doses and sowing discord. In a tossup between myself and Rei they felt that Rei was the best commander; I just didn't contribute enough ideas of my own into the mix and took a little too long to make decisions.

After that were a full-up battle-simulations. Angels just didn't use regular tactics and regular tactics just didn't work against them, so they were really only good for teamwork practice. Tactical training was more more about getting us working together. The usual practice was for 00, 03 and 04 to provide fire support, pinning or – more likely – irritating the shit out of an Angel enough that it'd ignore 01 and 02 flanking with prog-weapons. We provided covering fire for a fighting withdrawal, or a high speed advance. In simulations, it worked.

In reality, it was doubtful any Angel would arrive in a way that let us actually do it.

Technically the last Angel had, and maybe Zeruel when it appears, but otherwise supposed be little more than a starting point to try so we could see how the Angel responded, then adjust tactics to match and try again. Lather, rinse, repeat and hope it doesn't take too long to figure out how to blow it up. It wasn't a case of monster of the week, it was outside context problem of the week. I had a leg up in that regard, which I couldn't really use without answering some very uncomfortable questions.

That was followed by the usual pain-desensitisation exercises. Those were always tough. Focus on a complex task, while they put you through an artificial agony. As a counterpoint, the usual sync tests were an exercise in monotony. Since when had sharing my mind with the slumbering presence inside a thirty-story abomination against creation become routine?

I knew what she was capable of, but never felt threatened by her. Unit 03 was a big old mama bear. I was her cub and she always seemed glad when I first sync'd. She had moods, I was certain of it. Maybe they were reflections of my own, or maybe they were hers. When I was happy, she seemed almost cheerful. When I was scared, she was soothing. When I was angry, she was savage.

Sometimes it made me wonder how sapient she actually was.

That was my advantage over the other pilots. I knew who was in there with me.

Best of all, I had a plugsuit with more chest room and some new plastic trim under the ribcage. My confidence peaked in a sleek figure-hugging plugsuit. Being the eldest pilot had its advantages. I was stronger and faster…. Among other things. And, from a comfort perspective, it was certainly better to be a female Eva pilot than a male. Dimensional consistency made wearing a skintight plugsuit so much more comfortable. I certainly saw Shinji suffer more than once at the sight of Asuka walking in front of him.

You have been assimilated, Noriko. Resistance was futile, wasn't it?

Daily life was a bit more give and take, but it still evened out. And the things I actually liked about myself had nothing to do with gender.

It was a Wednesday that managed to be utterly unremarkable, except for the rain hammering at the windows of the bedroom. The downside of having a lot of black hair was that it took forever and an age to get dry.

The upside; it was an excuse to sit in just my underwear and a t-shirt enjoying the hot-air blast from a hairdryer. Asuka was providing fanservice for the perverted behind me as she changed out of her school uniform, while I was more interested in the doujin that was cradled in my crossed legs.

"Are you ever going to be finished with that thing?"

"This is why I bought my own," I cooed at her, wearing a smile of smug, self satisfaction. "Yours is in the bathroom."

A low growl rose from her throat. I sat my ground. More self confidence means resisting Asuka gets easier, means more self confidence. It keeps working. She stormed out in her underwear.

I smiled to myself.

I heard her go into the bathroom, clattering around as she tried to find her own. She was swearing in German. I was gaining some vicarious thrills courtesy of Rally Vincent.

The bathroom door opened. Asuka was coming back. Till Lindeman stared down at me from a poster, waiting patiently for her return.

The front door opened. Three voices entered.

"Thanks for letting us stay, Shinji," I heard Kensuke remark.

"Yeah, man… it's just…." Silence. Touji stopped dead in mid-sentence.

An alarm went off in my mind. Asuka screamed. She shrieked Germanic curses. It was a screaming, howling storm of rage and fury. Touji dove in boots and all with a studs-up verbal tackle. Being called tiny-tits certainly didn't do much for her volume control.

Her underwear was getting a bit... tight on me.

I popped out a head through the door to enjoy the drama scene. Three boys, soaked to their skins and dripping a trail of water on the floor, so caught up in the argument they seemed to be oblivious to the fact Asuka was still standing there, bare feet planted on wooden floor, in her underwear.

"Asuka." Shinji interrupted, his voice somewhere on the nervous side of calm. "Misato's still in bed."

A deep yawn made that a lie, cutting off Asuka's snark before she could do more than scowl bitterly at them.

Kensuke snapped to attention. They both bowed to the point where I thought they would fall over. How to do that without headbutting the ground was a skill I'd never master.

"We apologise for our unforgivable rudeness, ma'am," they both harmonised.

Shinji blinked. Asuka stood there blind-sinded, trying to look angry and generally failing.

"I needed to wake up anyway," she batted it away, stifling a yawn. I smothered a laugh behind my hands.

Kensuke adjusted his glasses, inspecting something on Misato's collar. His eyes seemed to zoom in. My good humour dissolved as he snapped to attention, throwing a crisp salute.

"Congratulations on your promotion, Major Katsuragi!"

So. That would be tonight.

And then Sahaquiel over the next couple of days.

We were both dressed in our plugsuits, making our way through anonymous corridors to a sync test.

"You might've backed me up earlier," Asuka hissed at me.

Says the person who, if I had've charged to her defence would've been just as pissed off and vehement that she didn't ever need any help whatsoever.

"I was wearing panties and a t-shirt," I offered in my own defence.

"And you sent me out there in a bra and panties rather than lend me yours. It was your fault Noriko."

And clearly she expected me to make it up to her.

"Alright, alright," I raised my hands in surrender. Time for a peace offering. "I was going to go shopping tomorrow with Motoko, maybe you could come along?"

I really had planned it in advance. A thin smile formed on her lips. "If you're paying for ice-cream?"

"Fine."

Friendship with Asuka was expensive. We passed the male locker rooms on the way. Shinji, and Kaworu were just ahead of us, reversing the usual order of things. Asuka nudged me in the side, whispering into my ear.

"Y'know. From this angle, the Fifth isn't so bad."

Showing remarkable intelligence and my usual razor sharp mind, I answered;

"Huh?"

"Weird personality. But a nice body," she smirked at me. "I wonder if that's how boys see Rei?"

"I'll take your word for it," I demurred, trying to hide a big fat lump of hate filled revulsion wrapped in vengeance and spiced with naked spite rising up the back of throat. She was wrong anyway.

"I am not like him," Rei reminded us of her presence. And that she was at least bilingual.

"You are what I say you are," Asuka sneered at her.

If I had to pin Rei's expression, it was somewhere between 'Why did I even bother speaking?' and 'Not this shit again'.

"I think she's right," I said, tentatively testing the ground. "Kaworu is like a serial killer. Rei..." I pondered for a moment. "She's just shy and sheltered." Enough that she seemed completely unbothered by us talking about her. "It's not really a sexual thing. She just acts like she needs protecting. It feeds the big brother instinct and the desire to care for a younger sister. They want to matter to someone."

She blinked. Her eyes narrowed. "Whatever... boys are weird."

I don't know. They made perfect sense to me. Then again, I did have certain advantages

"So. Gun to your head. You have to choose one of them, which would you choose to spend the night with, for the good of the human race,"

"Ikari," I answered. I didn't even hesitate.

"Huh?" he glanced back at me, hearing his name.

"Nothing," we harmonised.

"And you? Which would you?"

She grinned at me. "I'd rather take the bullet."

As if that was the only noble option.

I pouted to hide my smile. "You never told me that was an option."

"When it comes to preserving myself, taking the bullet is always an option." She continued with her haughty posturing. Her body was as pure as spring water, reserved especially for one person. Her eyes glimmered as she thought of something funny

"What about you First?"

I caught the sneer in her voice as she asked.

"Ikari," Rei answered. Straight off the cuff.

Asuka made a show of shrugging her shoulders. "Well I guess you two will have to share then. I'm sure the pervert won't be picky."

I didn't take the bait.

I placed a finger to my lips. "Hmm... that might even be kinda fun."

A moment later I found myself agreeing with myself. It would be interesting. My insides squirmed at the thought.

"No," Rei said, simply.

Both of us looked at her. Her expression was as impassive as ever. Those red eyes regarded us with their same quiet curiousity they always did.

"First doesn't like to share, does she?" she groused.

"No," Rei repeated.

"Well, I don't want him. He's too whiny. He never stands up for himself and he's a total perv'."

The thought occurred to me to call her bluff, just to watch her go pop. But then I'd end up winning a hand I really preferred to lose anyway. She saved herself for Kaji... being selfish I saved myself only for myself.

I was smiling like an idiot at that thought all the way to the main control room. Ritsuko was there with the usual briefing beforehand instructing us on the specific details of the day's test. I paid my usual attention until she finally mentioned my name.

"Noriko. One last thing...Worcester finally got off their ass and sent the simulation data for Unit 03, along with that of 04. You can join the others in the simulation plugs."

"Why not Unit 03?"

"Safety protocols. It is much safer to use the simulation system, than the actual Eva."

Safer for the pilot, anyway. The simulators were the standard entry plug design, but instead of being mounted to the Eva directly, they were connected via a massive collection of metaphysical technobabble that transmitted the signals between pilot and mecha. It was a tangle of cables and conduits bubbling away at the bottom of a bleach-smelling tank of cooling fluid.

Firstly, it was impossible to get trapped inside a berserker Eva if you weren't inside it in the first place. Secondly, falling into the coolant pool would be embarrassing. Falling off the shoulder armour of an Evangelion would be lethal.

Nobody wanted that accident.

Internally, it was a case of the simulator being the same, but...

For one thing, there were no visual displays to keep my interested, no little toys. 03 was there but, syncing through the simulation system was a lot like driving a car with an automatic gearbox.

There was a strange inertia in the system. It really felt like trying to turn a propeller by stirring the water you'd suspended it in. It took a while to get up to speed once you started, and it ran on even when you were pulling back.

The effect on my scores was pretty much as expected. Akagi was unusually conciliatory, assuring me that it was just while I adapted to the system.

The effect on Asuka when she was politely informed that she had to do better since Shinji was catching up on her was also pretty much, as expected. I made a note to avoid that thunderstorm by spending twenty minutes in the public baths. Rei gave nobody any surprises.

"And in his first test, Nagisa scores forty point two percent synchronisation, with a harmonics value of two-five-two."

"Fuck!"

Everyone looked at me.

Ritsuko continued "As the Fourth Child so eloquently put it, those are exceptional scores for a first test."

It took me weeks to match that. He was cheating. He was doing that sync on demand thing.

"So, it looks like we have another prodigy on our hands," Asuka sneered at him, "Maybe the rest of us who have to work at our tests should give up now?"

"Beginner's luck," Nagisa assured her, diplomatically. "Nothing more,"

Rei was staring hard at him.

"Well, if it translates to an operational score with Unit 04..."

"Wait, he hasn't even been tried in an actual Eva yet?" Soryhu interrupted.

She stole the words from my open mouth.

Akagi glared at her as I shuffled in behind, lending my support. "...I would see no reason not to move him to operational status as soon as Unit 04 arrives from America," She paused, sucking on the end of her pen. "Of course, if you want his operational scores now, there're enough similarities between 04 and Unit 02. We could run him tomorrow..."

"No way!"

"When is Unit 04 coming?"

Hello Bardiel.

"Within the next two weeks, once final airlifting arrangements are met."

Kill two angels with one bullet. Perfect.

I made a point to get out of there as quickly as possible. Nagisa was ruining everything. He ruined everything. He was walking ruin with a smile on it's face. He sucked out all my good humour and replaced it with vile hate and anger. He used it to power that evil little smile of his.

"So, what's up between you and the new _wunderkind_?"

Asuka, halfway out of her plugsuit, decided to interrupt my private two-minute-hate. She was fishing for allies to go against the newest threat, that much was obvious.

"That's private."

I didn't even try to be subtle. It got dangerously close to things-she-was-not-meant-to-know.

"Heh, Jealous of him destroying your scores so easily. Maybe it'll mean the end for us who have to work at things, when it all comes so easy to them."

"Knock it off, Asuka."

I was ready to fight my corner... I was ready for anything from her except what she did next. The energy drained right from her body, all that bluster just blew away, replaced by an expression that might almost have been sympathetic.

"What did he do to you?"

It was completely disarming. I stood for a second, half naked, trying to figure out what I could say to her to get her to drop it, without blowing the whole lot back in her face. She was going out on a limb... offering a hand.

"I'd rather not talk about it," I said, offering a forced smile.

She scowled at me. "Well he had to have done_ something_. You hate him. It's so blind stinking obvious enough that you hate him that I've overhead Misato talking about it."

My jaw fell open.

"You recognised him when we first met, even though it was his first time in Japan. And you hated him from the first second."

I started to feel ill. She noticed that?

"So, you've met him before, haven't you? And he did something to you. He did something to you horrible enough to make you hate him with every fibre of your being, and enough that you don't want to talk about it. "

And she was determined to weedle it out of me. I knew exactly what she was insinuating.

My first instinct was to leave... to get out of there and get as far away from her as possible... but she'd track me down. She'd hunt me down and she'd corner me and she'd drag it out of me.

Whether it was to satisfy her own curiousity, or she was genuinely trying to help...

If she thought I'd been...

I can't tell anyone about what I really am, about what he really did, can I?

I can't tell the truth.

I can't outright lie to her and make up something that'd take ten minutes to prove wrong. That'd just piss her off.

And leave me in the exact same place. Actually, it'd leave me down a friend.

I took a breath, and didn't look at her face.

"I'm going to the public baths. If you want me to tell you, meet me there in twenty minutes. And promise you won't call me a lunatic."

I hoped this would work.

Now I had to figure out what to tell her, and how. The fun couldn't last, could it?

I...I

I've noticed it's somewhat traditional for these fics to end at around this point. I wonder why?

Hope you enjoyed it. Until lucky thirteen...

Oh, and apparently we have a small Tropes page. Tiny one.

-Dartz


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